Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Mummys boy problems(27 Posts)
I'll try and keep this short and sweet. My bf and I have been together 6 years we met when I was 17. For a period of 3 years I moved in with him AND his mother and it was the worst experience I felt like she was always trying to push me out I'd go downstairs to make my bf lunch she would already be down there. My bf is 30 now. I moved out back to my parents home as it was too much to bear. I hated living at my bf just because of his mother although she was fakely nice I new her intentions of keeping g her soon at home (did I mention it was her who invited me to live with her in the first place), I know it was because she was scared of her son leaving her. Now at present I think 6 years is more than enough time to think about marriage and moving in together ALONE. He actually offered to move out with me whilst I go to university so I could have help paying bills, my hopes were brought up however a week later he said that his mum had a heart to heart and said he can go but she would be sad if he left. Now this comment was enough for him to turn around and refuse to move out with me although he proposed the idea. Now he doesn't speak of it any more,, I'm in a sticky situation as I have just been left when we had plans I'm just on the verge of leaving but somehow hoping he will change is keeping me there. When he gets angry he always says 'why would I leave my mum for you' comment like this hurt. He is genually a lovely guy but his mum always seems to come first (which I respect in some cases ) but he is 30. Stays at mums rent free. Has no responsibilty . I'm sick of it and dint know what to do??
Mummy's boys do NOT make good partners.
Mummy dearest will always rule the roost and there will be 3 people in the relationship and you won't be the priority.
It'll be worse if you have a child with him.
Take time to read this section and read stories of women who married men who always put mummy first.
It does not end well. It does not make for a happy life.
You have a choice. And it's a straightforward one at this point. You have no ties to him. You are young. It is uncomplicated.
You can choose to be in a thruple and always have mummy to prioritise.
Or you can leave him in the warm comforting arms of his mama while she strokes his hair and whispers how nobody will ever love her likkle soldier like she does.
If his mum comes first then you will always be second best regardless. He's in a difficult situation as his mum sounds as though she is guilt tripping him & laying on the emotional blackmail thickly enough for him to not leave. This won't change, the only way it can change is when your bf is strong enough to leave in his terms, which is not yet. Does he know you are thinking of marriage, is he still thinking you are not that serious yet?
If you did give him an ultimatum, who would he choose?
The quick neat and simple solution (and the one that is best for your BF as well) is to kill Mummy. Failing that, I suggest you dump him now. He's never, at any time or in any set of circumstances going to put you before his mother. Cut your losses and find someone better.
Run- how can you plan a future with him knowing that anything will have to go through mummy? She will be the MIL of nightmares- read a few threads.
You're in your early twenties and have your whole life before you - what you have to decide is whether you're prepared to spend it always coming second, hoping that one day you'll be thrown a few crumbs and always being disappointed
As I know to my cost, men like this don't change; he's said as much in asking "why would I leave my mother for you?" Is this what you're prepared to accept for yourself?
Voice of (bitter) experience here. Agree with all pp that you should cut and run now. He will NEVER change. I had a whirlwind relationship with DH and my MIL has been the bane of my life ever since. If I had my time again, I'd never have gone into a relationship with him.
She doesn't sound terrible to me! Something that would have some bearing on my opinion would be whether she lives with a husband or partner. If not, her son's thoughts about moving out probably include concern about whether she would be lonely left on her own. Not that it should stop him moving out, but if this is his thought process I think it points to him being a kind and considerate man.
All mothers (hopefully) have to come to terms with their DC leaving Optimist1 !! Doesn't mean it's easier if we're married
He should have been independent years ago. Age 30 and living with his mother!
The guys I know who live with their parents (have never left or post-divorce) are all tight. They do it to save money and I notice your guy pays no rent. Oh and they're lazy. All chores done for them.
And to say, why would I leave my mother for you? It's a contest is it?
Well let him get on with it. You know where you stand. Leave him and find someone who wants to be with you.
You are together 6 years, he can't cut the apron strings and the mother has no intention of letting her son get on with his life. He's cowed by her, and she controls him.
I wouldn't spend another day with him and if you were my daughter I'd tell you to run like the wind.
30 year old living rent free with his mum and having 2 women fight over who cooks for him and who wants him most.
He must be like a dog with 2 tails.
Don't consider living with/marriage/children with this man unless you either want to do it all as he is used to being waited on hand and foot or have his mother with you during birth and perhaps even conception they are so close!
Get out and leave them to themselves before it is too late.
It all sounds rather embarrassing. Mummy's boys don't change - RUN!!!
I am glad I was never a man like him. Painful as it will be I think you ought to leave him.
I think 6 years is more than enough time to think about marriage and moving in together ALONE
It is. And he has. He likes things as they are , and has no incentive or wish to change the situation.
So you can carry on as you are, hoping, or start looking for a man who cares about a proper adult relationship with you. I don't mean that to be harsh or critical. It's just a pity to waste your time like this with a man who is so lukewarm, when you're young and have life ahead of you.
She is a side issue - don't get sucked into blaming her because that it just convenient and let's him off the hook.
He is old enough to be independent, make his own choices and to have rationality within his relationships.
He is choosing to be somewhere other than with you. That's it really. I would be gone.
I agree, Horsemad , that being in a relationship doesn't necessarily make the leaving easier. I know a couple of mothers who couldn't wait to have time with their spouse a deux, though! And personally, the thought of being alone with my (now ex) husband when the youngest left home filled me with dread. Different strokes and all that ...
Wanting to still live with mummy at the age of 30 tells you all you need to know.
I'm a LP with a young adult son. I would cringe at the thought that I would want to keep him at home instead of going out into the world to become independent and make a life for himself. Which is what he is doing.
In fact, exactly what you are doing by going to university, good for you.
Don't keep this millstone around your neck.
Nooooo! He's really not ever going to change. Just imagine for a moment if he were to move in with you: there'd be the lengthy guilt trip phone calls (always timed to interfere with your couple time or plans). She would be in touch CONSTANTLY with little jobs for him to do at her house. In addition, he'd expect you to take her place as resident fawning female and molly-coddler. I know you are invested in this man, but this relationship is going nowhere good. You're definitely young enough to be able to date around and then get into a healthier relationship with an adult male. You'll do that, get married, maybe have a couple of DCs and by that time, your current man will STILL be living with mummy.
Read around the relationships threads and you'll easily find women who tried hard for years in the hope their beloved and otherwise perfect dh would manage to separate from his enmeshed mum. And are now in awful situations where the issues with mother have finally destroyed the marriage and now there are children involved.
He is the man in her life, her main relationship in life. Many women who behave like this with adult sons have attached to their sons as a pseudo spouse, and their sons are not emotionally healthy because the mother is not invested in their son's happiness or them having a successful independent life, she is invested in using her son to meet her own needs.
She's selfish enough to be thwarting him in having a relationship and a home of his own, and he's been conditioned to let her. These kind of situations also typically get a lot worse when pregnancy and children get involved, as often the mother wants to possess the child too as an extension of her son and to mother the child herself, and you'll be even more of a threat to her.
She's only had to say 'I'll be sad if you leave'..... and he's made his choice and told you: he's chosen her. You need to think about what that tells you.
It probably isn't what you want to hear but the best thing you could do is run.
He is like this still at 30, it doesn't take a crystal ball to say you will always have his DM fussing over him and he will give you just enough hope to hang on in there. That said, when you do finish with him this lady will sing your praises to his next gf!
Ugh run away! He's still attached to her umbilical cord and she will fight you all the way.
My ex was like this. He, like yours, proposed we move to East london together however 'rent, bills etc' scared him and he ran back to Bristol straight into his mothers bosom. Safe to say that was that. He contacted me on fb a few months ago and I told him about my dd, my lush flat etc and he said, 'Oh thats nice... I just bought a car but I share it with my mum.' ....
Go to university, meet new people, enjoy student life !
If he wanted you, he would have moved heaven & earth to be with you
He has his chance
He has made his choice
Pay your own bills
why would I leave my mum for you'
he said it, and he means it. He's already made his choice. Run like the wind.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.