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Struggling with recent experience

(8 Posts)
PinkSpottyHat Sun 26-Jul-15 08:03:57

I'm really not sure if this is the best place for this, so please suggest elsewhere if necessary.

In an attempt to not drip feed this may be long, and I have name changed because I really do not wish to be identified.

The basic gist is this - I have been 'wendied,' I think is the term here. A previous friendship group has ostracised me due to the manipulation of another, newer friend, let's call her H.
H was always a friend, but not a particularly close one to any of us who were close and last year suffered a very difficult loss. We all felt dreadful for her and supported her in every way we could, from financial to emotional and practical. I don't wish to blow my own trumpet, but I was the driving force behind most of the help and whilst all the ladies were wonderful, I was the organiser. I like organising wink

Some months after this, H began to behave differently towards me, and she was growing visibly closer to some other friends, I was happy for her, she seemed to be moving on. She, however, must have either had some long held but kept quiet dislike of me, or she developed one around this time. She orchestrated a huge drama, accusing myself and several others of betraying her trust and privacy (this was categorically untrue) and succeeded in freezing myself and a couple of others out, because the other friends believed her over us, despite our proof and her lack of.

This in itself in theory doesn't bother me, I do not want friends who will treat me the way these people have (they were awful, turning so quickly and becoming abusive and extremely unkind, there has been only one apology from somebody who later realised what their behaviour had been like once it was shown that H was lying). But I am struggling, a lot, to come to terms with the total shift in my social life, I have lost all but a few of my closest friends. I am now developing new friendships with Mums on the school run and at toddler groups etc which is wonderful, but they are not yet at the point where I feel I can confide in them the way I could my old friends.

I am finding it incredibly difficult to trust new people, I am so afraid of being treated this way again, I am hurting. Is this normal? I just want to be able to get up and move on with my life but I am pulled back by a memory and feel I have to start from scratch with the 'recovery' process again.

I feel like this has been a theme my whole life, I have never and would never set out to hurt anybody, yet I seem to do so by accident with my mere existence. At school and college I had wonderful friends, all but one of these were lost when I fell pregnant early. Not so wonderful after all then.
When I was pregnant with my eldest son, I made new friends through my then partner, he was sleeping with all but one of those and even that one was discussing me and knew all about ex partner behind my back. Why do people do this?

I think I am a nice person, I do not judge people, I am kind, I help people, I can be fun, I'm not miserable not in public anyway . I have a lovely, amazing DH and beautiful well-rounded children. We have parents on both sides who support us and are great but they are also basically our entire social life. DH has friends at work but all his previous friends live where we used to and have drifted away, I feel for him too. Is this just the way adulthood goes when you have children or am I doing it wrong? Much as I love DH and DCs I don't want them to be my entire life, I'd like friendships too!

Well done if you managed to get to the end of that. grin

midnightvelvetPart2 Sun 26-Jul-15 11:42:34


Sorry Pink I have no advice, just bumping for maximum visibility for you smile

PinkSpottyHat Sun 26-Jul-15 12:57:21

Thank you smile

springydaffs Sun 26-Jul-15 15:50:49

Oh no. Awful to have had that happen anyway - but on top of what you went through in your last relationship I'm not surprised this hasn't twisted your universe.

Take them separately: this Wendy has a personality disorder. Unfortunately, and very shockingly, a surprising number of people get taken in by these sorts. I don't get it either - how can people just not SEE what's going on?! It's so shocking.

The previous situ with your repulsive ex is so awful, you must be traumatised. It's like a picture of hell. And the treacherous birches? I'm lost for words.

The only thing I can't agree with you about is you blaming yourself, saying you hurt people by just existing. That just can't be possible. From where I'm standing, many people have hurt you desperately; real up there betrayal and treachery.

Has this happened before? Ie in your childhood. I have a history of gut-wrenching betrayal and it started in my childhood. It took therapy to oink out the facts, after yet another heinous headfucky relationship laden with abuse, rejection betrayal.

The key here is it's not your fault. Its not your fault. You have to get that. People with these levels of dysfunction - the ones who have done your over - sniff out someone who has that weak link, who think it's something inherently wrong in them. It isn't - really, it isn't.

autumnleaves123 Sun 26-Jul-15 16:19:31

I sympathise OP. I learned over the years to be very careful around groups of women, especially the ones who call themselves friends. Don't take me wrong, I love the bond with female friends, but over the years, I prefer one to one's to groups.

I notice that a lot of female friends groups have a queen bee, who is a manipulator in disguise. This is usually a narcissist, with a very strong personality and a great view of herself. If she's ok with you, all might be well and cosy, but don't ever challenge her or upset her, and it's the end for you. She'll do everything in her power to discredit you within the group, spread lies, and manipulate the others to dump you. If the others are good friends and very clever, they will see through her but most people believe what's said to them is in good faith and will believe the lies of the manipulator.

If you avoid spreading gossip, and are a kind person, you will be out of the group in no time. Whereas the queen bee will still be enjoying their fake friendship, based on lies and manipulation.

That's the ugly side of female groups of friends. Even within a trio, there is the risk that two are talking about a third one.

I wish I had a solution to this kind of situations. It seems to happen more to nice, decent people than to the bitches out there.

All I can say is be very careful when opening your heart, your house and your wallet to people. There are a lot of users and manipulators out there. Keep it simple, a couple of good friends here and there are worth a lot more than a group of fakes and backstabbers.

PinkSpottyHat Sun 26-Jul-15 20:02:14

Thank you both ever so much, it is so helpful to hear "it's not your fault," I've been beginning to think I'm going mad and must just be a horrible person but I am always trying to do good things for people.

I do have a very happy little life usually, so I'll try and forget these bitches and focus on really growing the new friendships I've gained recently. smile

LammilyDoll Sun 26-Jul-15 20:11:25

No, definitely not your fault, PinkSpottyHat.

Although I think those of us who are friendly and trusting can leave ourselves open to "attack" by the Wendies and other unpleasant people. Nevertheless I still prefer to trust others (until they prove untrustworthy) rather than hide behind a metaphorical closed door.

autumnleaves123 Mon 27-Jul-15 20:42:20

If you are a truly happy person and have a happy life, I'm sure there must have been an element of envy too. Nothing worst for some people than seeing someone happy with a good attitude to life.

Sometimes what people envy is not this or that that someone may have, but a positive, genuine attitude to the world around them.

I hope you make new friends and forget about this horrible people and situation. They are not worth your time.

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