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Feeling overwhelmed

(10 Posts)
JohnnyMarr Sat 25-Jul-15 10:18:04

After 3 years as expats DH and I recently made the difficult decision to return to the UK, essentially because DD had never settled, she was incredibly unhappy, had "switched off" at school, totally dis-engaged from us, and latterly began resorting to self harm.

It has been an incredibly stressful time for both of us, on top of the issues with DD we have had to pack up our lives in Asia, say goodbye to much-loved friends, organise a mountain of paperwork, put our house in the UK on the market as our return neccessitated a relocation, and try to find somewhere to live/new schools in an area we're both unfamiliar with from thousands of miles away, these stresses have been exacerbated by the fact that DH loved his job and both he and the company were performing phenomenally well - he has secured a position within the same company back here but his heart is not really in it and I think he feels a bit rail-roaded into having had to return.

DC and I came home a few weeks ago, more stresses trying (unsuccessfully - we have three dogs) to find a rental property within commutable distance of his new job as our house still hasn't sold - no rental property = no school so basically I've been tearing my hair out. At the same time he was trying to tie up the loose ends of his job, and had to fly back with the dogs (quite a task!)

He arrived back on Sunday after a 12 hour flight followed by a drive from Paris to the UK and on Monday rather unceremoniously informed me that I no longer feature in his future plans. I feel shitty, shell shocked and sick, totally a bolt from the blue. We have had issues in the past but worked through them and I thought our marriage was the stronger for it, I absolutely did not see this coming. In retrospect we have not been kind to each other over the last couple of months, have both been internalising our worries a lot rather than talking things through and have been pretty terse with one another on a few occasions - but this?!? He seems absolutely dead to me, I got the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" spiel - he won't accept that not many couples are gazing at one another with dewy eyed devotion twenty years and two kids down the line and says he isn't interested in trying to work things out. I am utterly bereft, and as for the kids...

My head is an absolute mess, everything is just going around and around in circles and I am veering between wanting to walk away (petrifying, but at least with my dignity intact) and fighting for what (I thought) we had - clearly I have no desire to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me but this is so unexpected I can't help wondering if he is thinking straight.

Any words of advice/hand-holding would be massively appreciated.

YvyB Sat 25-Jul-15 10:32:03

Jeezus. No words of advice yet but couldn't read and run. Holding your hand x

learntoloveagain Sat 25-Jul-15 10:38:33

So you have already moved back and he's staying over there? Sorry not quite clear about that.

I have seen this happen with couples several times. A major event and then the end of the relationship as if one party allowed this to happen as a way out. Does that make sense? He went along with the move but he didn't really want to and now he wants no part of it. End of.

You are obviously in shock. What support do you have? I really feel for you.

AlpacaMyBags Sat 25-Jul-15 10:38:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Horsemad Sat 25-Jul-15 10:46:32

If I were you, I'd move back to the house you lived in before moving abroad, settle the DC in school there, reconnect with friends etc and let him get on with it.

MummyPiggy87 Sat 25-Jul-15 11:01:30

Agree with pp, why can't you go back to your old neighbourhood and life if he's decided to leave you?
I also think he's a coward to have done that, he must have known how he felt back when you made the decision to move back to the UK, he's used that to his advantage to get out of the relationship. Is he staying over there then?
You should try and be strong, not only for you but for your dc who will also need support and has been through enough by the sounds of it. Don't beg for him back, he's made his decision and if you cry for him back he will only stay out of guilt. That's not a relationship. You will get past this, you will. thanks

Nolim Sat 25-Jul-15 11:12:12

Do what is best for you and your dd now, since you dont have to find a property near your stbxh find an area you like or go back to your previous home.

Move on with your life.

Stripyhoglets Sat 25-Jul-15 15:02:48

Go back to where you used to live. Then at least that will be less stressful for you.

JohnnyMarr Sat 25-Jul-15 16:03:15

Thanks for the replies, and sorry for the delayed response - I took the DC out, feel like a shitty mum as well at the minute, my head feels like it's about to explode and it's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other without collapsing in a blubbering heap, haven't really slept since all this happened and have lost half a stone so not functioning well for the kids at all despite desperately trying to keep it together in front of them.

In answer to some of your questions he is now back in the UK and will be staying here for his new job but in a different county, DC and I have been staying with my dad as our shipping container was en route and so no furniture in our house but it has now arrived so the kids and I will be moving back imminently (absolutely dreading being amongst all "our" stuff tbh) I have also applied for school places here for them, but these are yet to be confirmed.

DD and DS are aware - DD is playing her cards close to her chest but has said she feels "relieved" as their relationship has been very fraught. DS, on the other hand, is, understandably, very distraught. He saw Asia as his home and was gutted to leave his friends and life as he knew it and for him to now have this to contend with is just breaking my heart, particularly as with the way things currently stand he will now only get to see his dad once at week at best.

I absolutley take heed of the advice that I should just leave him to get on with it and will definitely not be begging him to come back but we have both fought hard for this marriage to work and I just want to be sure that it's me he doesn't want and not actually that the accumulated baggage of the last couple of months has made him miserable and not able to see the wood for the trees, iyswim. I have certainly pondered the idea that coming back and essentially off-loading me was an easy out and all part of some cunning masterplan but various things he had said and done really don't point to that being the case, and only recently friends of mine had told me he'd been telling them how much he loved me, was proud of me etc, it just doesn't make any sense and that's the hardest thing of all.

kaneda Sun 26-Jul-15 22:32:10


I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through. I've recently come to understand that sometimes love just isn't enough to make a relationship work. It sounds to me like your DH doesn't know what he wants, possibly because he doesn't know who he is as a person. And maybe he needs to be on his own to work that out. No consolation for you, I know, except that you should understand this isn't your fault.

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