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Is this usual in relationships?

(106 Posts)
JaneLouiseT Sat 25-Jul-15 04:34:35

I love my husband dearly and most of the time feel very lucky we are together. But we do have some issues at times and very different outlooks on some things. My husband is a personal trainer and has an amazing physique. But he expects a lot from me and I know he is disappointed about how I look, even though I only had our daughter 3 months ago. I am slim and everyone else thinks I look amazing considering having the baby but I know my stomach isn't good and I am not toned as not been to the gym since before the latter stages of my pregnancy. I do want to look better as I don't feel good, but it is hard to find the time right now and I have no one to look after the baby so I can't go to the gym (can't rely on husband to do it as he works varying hours). So I told him I want to work out at home and he is buying some equipment for me, which is all good.

The biggest issue I have with my husband is he thinks he has to have a drink before we have sex. Which would be ok, I don't care for drinking myself but would tolerate it if he only had a few. He cannot control it and nearly always gets drunk. When he is drunk he gets more judgmental and nearly always has some comment to make about me or my body. I've told him loads of times how much I hate this and how it makes me feel and he still does it. I can't enjoy sex anymore if he has a drink and sex was and is really important to both of us. I tell him all the time and we often argue and end up not having sex at all. I know he is wrong in all this, I just want so much for us to be ok because in other ways he is the best husband and dad and I love him so much.

The main reason I am posting on here is to get some perspective about how sex is in other relationships. Tonight we ended up not having sex because I refused to put make up on. I ended up putting some eyeliner and lip stick on but this isn't enough for him so he started shouting at me and telling me if I love him I should do this for him. He know I am not skilled at putting on make-up, I know I need to learn this because other women seem to be able to make themselves look amazing and I just don't know how. This had never been important to me before I met him, I was 38 years old when I left my ex husband and all that time he has never cared too much about how little effort I made with myself. Some of it was about lack of knowledge or ability to apply good makeup, some was about confidence. But in some ways I feel I am confident because I believe I look ok as I am, I only thought I needed a lot of makeup if it is a special occasion. I got my makeup done for my wedding and felt amazing and he loved that.

I keep going off because there is so much to say to try and give a full picture. My main things I want to know is about sex... My husband has always had a routine about sex since we met, and that is fine. There is occasional spontaneous sex but usually We both shower and take care of ourselves, this means shaving etc and making ourselves presentable. For me after the shower he would then like me to be dressed in nice underwear, stockings/heels is a bonus for him, nice perfume, and full make-up. He complains when I do wear makeup it is not enough.i just think that last night it was 11:30pm before we had both showered etc and I dressed for him in hold up stockings and black lace g string. I put body lotion on in the perfume he likes on me. As soon as I came out of the bathroom he said to me am I going to put makeup on? And I said no because he always tells me I can't do it right anyway so what was the point? But as I said I relented and did a little makeup. I would have done more but it was obvious that between me going to the shower and coming out he had had a lot more to drink, which makes me not want to bother. He is not critical of me when he is sober since I told him about it. When I came back to the bedroom with my minimal makeup he just ranted at me about how I should do it better, I should know how to do it because I am 40 and 14 year old girls know how to do makeup better than me (I know this but it doesn't help me).

I told him I believe that most men would not be so demanding as he is but he said that every other woman he has been with, and it is quite a few, has always known how to make herself look good. Part of me wants to please him so much and if I knew how to apply good makeup like he wants I would do it. But part of me thinks he should appreciate me for who I am and how I am without it. I do have an issue because I feel inferior to him because of how he looks, I know he could easily find someone else who would want him. But I never fell in love with him for his body either, I am not like that, I never lusted after fit men. I just fell in love with him for who he was and his eyes and his smile and his laugh. I just wish he would appreciate the good qualities in me more, I am caring and kind and a good mum to our daughter and his step-daughter when she stays. But then sometimes I feel I am the frumpy wife and wish I could be different for myself as well as him. Deep down I know he loves me because I am different to what he is used to, but sometimes I know he thinks we are too different. I am so close to telling him to find someone else if I am not good enough for him. I always tell him how much I love him and try to make him feel special and good about himself.

I Don't have experience with men, my ex hardly wanted sex at all, hardly paid any attention to me. Do other men expect the things my husband expects? Do some men anyway? Considering we have our baby I hardly ever say no to sex because I do have a good sex drive and I enjoy it, 3 times a week is usual for us, I think most men would feel happy with that and lucky to have me, makeup or not, sexy underwear or not. Am I right?

nooka Sat 25-Jul-15 04:45:52

Yes of course you are right! It sounds like your husband has significant problems about sex, and I would suspect that it's porn related. Possibly steriod use too as it's very common in the fitness world (my dh was a body builder for a while).

Sex isn't supposed to be a performance in a relationship. Sure sometimes it's fun to dress up, but most couples have sex for intimacy, to show their love for each other.

Plus if you don't want to wear make up then why on earth should you? I've never worn make up and have had sex with my dh many many times! Not that we haven't had issues, but not matching his personal standards wasn't one of them.

I also think that most men would not be having very much sex if their partner only had a baby three months ago. He should be feeling grateful, not put upon because you aren't making sufficient 'effort' for him. Plus making love to someone who is drunk can't be that great for you. How much effort does he make to make you feel good btw? Is it all about you doing stuff for him or is it reciprocal?

ditherydora Sat 25-Jul-15 05:17:37

this is not a normal way for a man to behave ime. I don't think I've ever come across somebody like this. Possibly the men who fancy me just prefer low maintenance!

But as nooka says, after 3 months it's astonishing that you have the energy to have sex at all, let alone putting the effort in that his routine demands. Doesn't it also just take some of the fun out of it?

I am not sure that I am able to give you much advice though. You obviously love him a lot but this isn't how I would want my relationship to be. Do you think he could change his behaviour. Cut out the drinking at least?

avocadotoast Sat 25-Jul-15 05:27:29

Poor you OP, that sounds like a lot of hassle.

Sex should be spontaneous and fun. Of course dress up if you want to but you shouldn't feel like you have to.

Where do your wants and needs fit into all this? Is he selfish when you're actually in bed?

Horsemad Sat 25-Jul-15 06:08:44

God, it's all about HIM, isn't it? Tell him to take a hike next time he starts and don't back down. If he can't appreciate the sex he's getting when you have a 3mth old, then he doesn't bloody deserve it.
Feel cross on your behalf flowers

differentnameforthis Sat 25-Jul-15 06:09:43

He is not critical of me when he is sober since I told him about it But he still has those thoughts in his head, because that is what he thinks of you. He can't hold it in when drunk, as alcohol makes him lose that ability.

Listen very carefully to him...he is telling you exactly what he thinks of you & it isn't nice.

I do have an issue because I feel inferior to him because of how he looks No. You feel inferior to him, because that is what he wants you to feel. He wants you to think that he is better than you.

And no, not every other man expects this from their girlfriends/wives. Other than a reasonable level of hygiene (which I also expect from him) then dh tales me as I am. And I never wear make up. I hate the stuff.

TheStoic Sat 25-Jul-15 06:35:48

I cannot STAND men like this. Full of double standards, expecting his woman to be a sex doll in the bedroom because sex is all about him.

If a man criticised my naked body in ANY way, they would never see it again.

He needs to get drunk, and he needs you to jump through hoops, in order for him to honour you with sex. Are you absolutely sure he is straight?

Iamatotalandutteridiot Sat 25-Jul-15 06:49:51

I would agree to all his requirements... IF... He agreed not to take a single drink....

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Sat 25-Jul-15 07:06:27

He sounds awful OP, I find his attitude and treatment of you completely unacceptable and I would not tolerate this in a relationship at all.

He clearly has major issues around sex - only "being able" to have sex when drunk is a massive red flag for a start.

Critical comments about your body - not acceptable at any time. ESPECIALLY 3 months after giving birth, for fucks sake! He should be in absolute awe of what your body has done in making his amazing child, not whinging that you don't have washboard abs at the moment.

Refusing to have sex unless you're dressed up like some kind of stereotype of a sex doll - ridiculous - down to HIS issues around sex. Sex in a loving relationship is an expression of love and affection. Not a performance you have to be dressed up for.

You don't "need to" learn how to put on makeup - unless you want to for yourself of course - what other women do is completely irrelevant. If a man I was with asked me if I was going to put any make up on as I came out of the bathroom at nearly midnight, he would not be spending the night in my bed, to put it bluntly.

YOU ARE RIGHT. He should love and appreciate you for who you are - he should not be trying to control and intimidate you into doing things you don't want to. No most men are not like this. You're close to telling him to get lost? GOOD. Hold on to that self belief. He comes across as a misogynistic emotionally abusive idiot in your post.

What are his good points exactly? What makes him 'the best husband'?

The timeline all sounds very rushed, there was only a year between you leaving your ex husband and becoming pregnant by your new husband? How long have you known him?

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Sat 25-Jul-15 07:11:32

Oop pressed send too soon there. Did not mean to sound critical asking how long have you known him!

Honestly OP what you have written makes me feel incredibly angry on your behalf about the way he treats you and made you feel inferior. You are not inferior at all. He has major issues. And it's not your job to fix them.

Velociraptor Sat 25-Jul-15 07:12:41

I certainly couldn't cope with a man that expected that of me. It sounds awful. You have just had his baby, and he still expects you to behave like a blow up doll for his entertainment. I don't think that is in any way normal. It sounds like a one way ticket to the end of your self esteem.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sat 25-Jul-15 07:18:03

His attitude is revolting
1- you've just had a baby. He is criticising your body. How dare he?
2- the whole performance for sex - he doesn't want to connect with you in a loving and real way, he's saying you're not good enough without makeup and underwear

He's seriously disfunctional and emotionally abusive. I would hate to be with a man like that, it would be like a prison. Normal men enjoy sex even on the times you haven't shaved your legs and you're wearing your ratty old pyjamas and haven't brushed your hair. Because they don't require these bizarre conditions before they can get aroused.

TheDowagerCuntess Sat 25-Jul-15 07:18:09

This is not normal, in any way, shape or means.

You are not inferior to him - the very idea... He sounds like a very dysfunctional individual.

There are so many lovely, kind, decent, loving men out there. Far, far better than this excuse.

You deserve better than this. flowers

SkatesMcgee Sat 25-Jul-15 07:18:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GinAndSonic Sat 25-Jul-15 07:19:43

He sounds like a complete bastard. This is not normal in my experience.

hedgehogsdontbite Sat 25-Jul-15 07:25:11

No it's not normal. I think he's very creepy.

Crosbybeach Sat 25-Jul-15 07:27:56

Not normal at all in my experience. He sounds like v hard work. Is he worth it?

NoArmaniNoPunani Sat 25-Jul-15 07:29:53

This is very far from normal. I've had a large number of sexual partners and none have expected this kind of performance.

LadyPlumpington Sat 25-Jul-15 07:32:17

He sounds like an utter twat. This is not normal for a sexual relationship op, really.

bittapitta Sat 25-Jul-15 07:32:49

He is emotionally abusive.

Is he gay/struggling with his sexuality or just a massive misogynistic prick?

You don't have to stay with him. It's okay for you to tell him his behaviour is not normal and it's unreasonable. Tell people IRL. Friends, family. He can only have sex when drunk and when you're wearing ott make up. They will agree it's not normal.

Glastokitty Sat 25-Jul-15 07:37:42

He sounds absolutely vile! There is on way you should put up with this, he's treating you like a blow up doll! Where is the love? If a man came to me with a list of requirements ( and insults!) like that I'd tell him to fuck off and pack his bags, I really would. I'm so angry for you! And you've just had a baby. Actually I'd kick him in the cock, then tell him to fuck off and pack his bags. angry

sofato5miles Sat 25-Jul-15 07:42:21

My first thought is that he is struggling with his sexuality and the anger he throws at you is transference.

You speak the truth when you are drunk.

ArgentinianMalbec Sat 25-Jul-15 07:42:41

This isn't normal. I sometimes make a bit of an effort for my DP if I can be arsed and usually we have sex when I've got hairy legs, or need to wash my hair.
If he ever told me to put on make up it would make me feel really awful, so I totally understand how you must feel.
He sounds awful sad sorry OP.

tumbletumble Sat 25-Jul-15 07:43:43

This is awful, OP. I'm not a big make up person (I wear it for a night out, but not on a daily basis) and I would hate to be asked to put it on just before having sex. It's like he doesn't want to see the real you, but a painted face. I would hate to have sex with a drunk person too.

Notgoodwithwords Sat 25-Jul-15 07:44:58

Goodness me he sounds like a twat!!

Where is his love, respect, admiration & consideration for the mother of his new baby??!!

I know it's a mn classic question but is he a watcher of porn? Because it sounds like he expects you to look like a porn actress every time you have sex!! Selfish twat!!

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