Was I being unreasonable to be upset by this? Will sound a bit strange - apologies in advance!

[noperspectiveonthis]

Hi

Dh is 12 years older than me so is 58 to my 46. He has always been pessimistic about how long he is going to live. In years gone by (we have been together 19 years) he used to say he would be dead at 60 , but has now started saying that he thinks he has another 10/12 years left . Leaving aside the whole issue of why he is so pessimistic etc..., today he said that he better get on and finish or rather start doing up a particular property that he owns (monument listed and very difficult to get planning permission for) because when he goes he doesn't reckon that the DC will do the work that needs doing.

This presses my buttons for lots of reasons. Going by his skewered logic that he only has a decade or so left, that would bring me to the age of 56. I really hope that I will still be around then (touch wood), so erm, why wouldn't I be the one to finish this off?

I know this all sounds utterly bananas, but to me it confirmed that he has only contempt for me really and ties in with the fact that both our home and the investment properties (this is partly what h does - invests in property which he tries to do up if he has the money etc...) are in h's name only. We have no will and no life insurance because he does not want to do any of this. So part of me wonders what on earth my status would be if he were no longer here??

So I said that I would finish the project off and he said that he knew that I wouldn't - judging by the state of the garden and the dining room table - and the fact that I had put the garden chairs in the wrong place .

I said that what I wanted was a joint project but that he is the one who does not want this (he is very much a one man band) - he said no no, if I wanted I could be the one to go and argue the case with English Heritage (meaning now). This makes me feel a bit like an employee. If we co-owned things and had talked about what would happen in the event of either of our deaths, I would feel a lot more secure and as if these projects were mine as well. As it is I feel that he is very much in charge (and he certainly would not accept any real input in terms of design etc iyswim) but might delegate the odd job here and there as you would to an employee.

I don't know how to get out of this impasse and maybe I am projecting too much of my own stuff on to this?

Please be gentle because I am aware that all this talk of death is a bit weird but I need to know if him saying the above makes it sound as if he really does not give a flying whatever about what does or does not happen to me should he die before me. Almost as if I am not really here - kind of like a hologram or like the wives who used to forced to burn on their husbands' funeral pyres.

We have separate finances and he is the one with the ultimate control really. In the past when I have said that I would like to co-own the house we live in he has said that he cannot have people telling him what to do or having control over him, and that if I want my own house (so to speak) I should go out and work for it. At that point I was a SAHM. It upsets me that he does not seem to see my contribution (looking after the 3dc) as worthy of much in a way. I have now started slowly getting work - at least during term time for now. Poorly paid but it has made me feel better.

The whole issue has become an obsession for me in a way. I am quite an obsessive person. What I would really like is a different way of looking at things so that the same thoughts stop going round and round my head!!

[Handywoman]

You're not wrong to be upset by this. His whole attitude is a symptom of a deeper malaise. He thinks he's way more important than you.

Was he always like this?

[noperspectiveonthis]

Yes he has always been like this really. The only difference would be that we were closer in the earlier years before I realised what was what!

[FortyCoats]

Do you like him? Love him? Want to stay with him?

[AnImpalaCalledBABY]

Are you married? (I'm assuming so as you called him DH) if so I think a session with a solicitor to find out where you stand would be a very good idea. But if you are married the house is not 'his' no matter what he says

Finances aside he sounds awful, and yes treats you with contempt. The comments about him not wanting to be controlled or told what to do in relation to co-owning your home show how he thinks of you. He clearly feels that he is the one with 'control'

You don't sound like you make each other happy, that should be a bare minimum in any relationship

[Handywoman]

I feel for you, OP.

I'm afraid his views are likely deeply entrenched. You thought you were in a mutually fulfilling relationship but you now see the fulfilment only goes one way.

I'm so sorry. But in a way I'm glad you feel angry, because angry gives you energy. Energy can be used to get things done. How old are the dc? I would recommend a chat with a lawyer to see how the picture might look if you started again with half or more of the marital assets + child maintenance behind you, minus the man who thinks you are way beneath him. It's do-able, normally.

Is there anyone in real life you can talk to? Friends? Family?

[noperspectiveonthis]

Yes good question FortyCoats. I find some of his behaviour towards me and in general, difficult. Mainly he pays very little attention to me really. At other times we chat away (on a superficial level) and get on fine. We have had lots of relationship problems over the past 2 or 3 years and I did kind of look divorce in the face but that was really so horrible that I decided that it would be better to get on - at least on some level.

So he does not know what I really think about a lot of things but I don't think this really occurs to him as he is quite self absorbed.

Basically I suppose that I like him sometimes, and would like him / love him a whole lot more if he showed me more interest and affection.

[noperspectiveonthis]

Sorry, missed the other posts.

Over the past 2 years I have been to see a solicitor twice (when things were really bad). At the moment things are really a lot better than they were then, and I am using this time to carry on getting on ok with dh, sort out clutter in the house, and build up work for myself - or the ability to work through courses etc... Both of us would really hate to be apart from the dc (who are 9, 11 and 13).

We are rumbling on ok with each other, as long as nobody delves any deeper. I suppose we both have ISHOOS that we project on to each other - dh especially!

I have gained some confidence since finding some (albeit temporary) work, and I suppose I kind of no longer blame myself for everything that is wrong in our relationship. I suppose that some of h's views really don't sit right with me either.

But it's not all doom and gloom - it can be fine and chatty and after all we have 3 children together and have known each other a long time - if you see what I mean!

[noperspectiveonthis]

I can talk to my family and some friends about all of this and have done a lot in the past. Things are on more of an even keel at the moment so I tend to talk to them (about this) less.

[Morganly]

If he dies without making a will you get the first £250,000 plus all personal possessions. You also get a life interest in half of the remainder with the rest being divided between his children. So actually, you do co-own your house and will have some say over the investment properties as well.

My advice is to forget about joint projects as he obviously won't give you any say. Continue to build up your autonomy and self esteem with your independent employment.

By the way, if you divorce him, you will get a good chunk of the marital assets!

[noperspectiveonthis]

My advice is to forget about joint projects as he obviously won't give you any say. Continue to build up your autonomy and self esteem with your independent employment.

Thank you Morganly. This is what I have been trying to do but it is good to hear it again because I go off course sometimes (like today!).

Re. dying without leaving a will - what if he has actually made one and left everything to the dc .

The other thing that annoys me is that if we were to sort things out properly, not only would I feel more secure, we (or the dc I mean) could also avoid (I think) unnecessary taxes /hassle.

I know that it is weird to be thinking about death rather than about life. I just do not like not really having a say in anything other than the day to day disposable stuff .

[FortyCoats]

I'm in Ireland so not sure if our separation/divorce/succession laws are the same. For that reason I can't advise on sole or joint property/assets within a marriage so I'll leave that to others who are in the know. You were a sahm when he was working to acquire his property, I'm sure that has to stand for something in your court system. You were a team, working different jobs for the good of your family and future. I'm sure it can't be that he gets to keep (or will to others) something you both worked for?

I asked you because I felt sad reading your op. I can't imagine DH making me feel so insecure and unimportant and I really just wanted to say that, money and property aside (you'll make life work for you so don't worry) you deserve to feel appreciated, loved, respected, valued.

I'd strongly agree with PP who've advised speaking with a lawyer and once you have the facts you can decide, if as a young woman, you want to continue to live this way.

All the best

[noperspectiveonthis]

Thank you FortyCoats that's made me cry a bit.

[FortyCoats]

take care of you. You deserve it! One life is all we get (that we know of but that's too woo for this thread! )

Having read your last post, maybe last two, I see that you're working on things and that's good. I'm all for working on a marriage when BOTH parties participate but if it's you putting in all the effort and making all the personal and emotional sacrifices, that's not fair. You are more than a wife, a mother, a daughter... you are NPOT (insert real name) and as much as I understand your desire to mother and protect your children from hurt or upset, you cannot lose yourself to it because how you treat yourself is how you teach your children to treat themselves. "Once I become a wife and mother my own needs, wants, happiness, fun, hobbies or whatever take a back seat".

I hope I'm not projecting on you and if I am, I sincerely apologise. Just know that NPOT has a right to love life xxx

[Morganly]

If he excluded you from the will you would be entitled to make a claim for "reasonable provision" which would be close to what you would get if he dies intestate. Yes, you would have the hassle plus potentially more inheritance tax, though hasn't George Osborne just raised the threshold dramatically?

Sorry to just be concentrating on the financial aspects rather than the shitty way he is treating you but I do think it is helpful to know that these tightfisted bastards are deluded if they think their wives aren't legally entitled to a good chunk of the marital assets just because they keep everything in their own name.

[AmIbeingTreasonable]

"In the past when I have said that I would like to co-own the house we live in he has said that he cannot have people telling him what to do or having control over him"

But it's alright for him to have control over you apparently??

[stayanotherday]

What a horrible situation. I would check your rights.

[Joysmum]

But it's not all doom and gloom - it can be fine and chatty and after all we have 3 children together and have known each other a long time - if you see what I mean!

Only if you are the passive one allowing him to put you down and him to call all the shots.

[Twinklestein]

Inheritance tax threshold is to be raised to 1 million.

[Lovingfreedom]

Divorce isn't that horrible...it's not worse than living with someone this awful for the rest of his/your life...remember, despite his self indulgent wingeing, there no guarantee that he will die first...get out while you are still young and healthy. :-) x

[Anniegetyourgun]

I wondered I had posted in my sleep when I started reading your OP - about the same age gap and he used to go on about how he wasn't much longer for this world. The bad news is that he's in his late 60s now and still going strong. The good news is we're divorced and I did make it to 56 (and counting) in one piece! You have a load more assets than we did though...

Anyway, the problem here is that you appear to have married a dinosaur. They're all very well in their own way but they don't make terribly good partners for 21st century human beings. Best to rehome him and seek companionship with a member of your own species.

[noperspectiveonthis]

Yes, you would have the hassle plus potentially more inheritance tax

As I understand it the million pounds applies if the home was originally owned by both mother and father once

[ImperialBlether]

But can he leave everything to the children if you and he are married? Surely everything's yours between you, so he couldn't leave your share to the children on the event of his death.

Btw I think people who threaten early death usually go on to live as long as anyone else, but I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not!

I would see a lawyer and find out what's what. You can't make any decision until you know the facts.

You do realise there's a happier life out there for you, don't you?

[cheapskatemum]

OP please Google "Financial Abuse", because that's what this is.

[noperspectiveonthis]

Sorry I never finished that message.

The million pounds applies if the house was jointly owned by the mother and father. Otherwise it's 500k. If I were to point this out to him I think he would say that all I want is to co own the house. It's the not looking into things to find out the best way of doing things peace of mind wise that annoys me.

He is entitled to leave the house to whom he pleases I think (and I would then have the right to contest it). Not that I think he would necessarily.

He has been talking about the possibility of moving recently. I will ask him if my name can go on the deeds at some point - if he says no this will open a whole can of worms for me because it will seem that all the trust has to be on my side.

I think he would like me to be unquestioningly adoring but I would feel better if I knew what was what financially / future wise.

[noperspectiveonthis]

Thanks for all your messages . I guess more than anything I want to move on from thinking obsessing about all of this.