Hi
Dh is 12 years older than me so is 58 to my 46. He has always been pessimistic about how long he is going to live. In years gone by (we have been together 19 years) he used to say he would be dead at 60 , but has now started saying that he thinks he has another 10/12 years left . Leaving aside the whole issue of why he is so pessimistic etc..., today he said that he better get on and finish or rather start doing up a particular property that he owns (monument listed and very difficult to get planning permission for) because when he goes he doesn't reckon that the DC will do the work that needs doing.
This presses my buttons for lots of reasons. Going by his skewered logic that he only has a decade or so left, that would bring me to the age of 56. I really hope that I will still be around then (touch wood), so erm, why wouldn't I be the one to finish this off?
I know this all sounds utterly bananas, but to me it confirmed that he has only contempt for me really and ties in with the fact that both our home and the investment properties (this is partly what h does - invests in property which he tries to do up if he has the money etc...) are in h's name only. We have no will and no life insurance because he does not want to do any of this. So part of me wonders what on earth my status would be if he were no longer here??
So I said that I would finish the project off and he said that he knew that I wouldn't - judging by the state of the garden and the dining room table - and the fact that I had put the garden chairs in the wrong place .
I said that what I wanted was a joint project but that he is the one who does not want this (he is very much a one man band) - he said no no, if I wanted I could be the one to go and argue the case with English Heritage (meaning now). This makes me feel a bit like an employee. If we co-owned things and had talked about what would happen in the event of either of our deaths, I would feel a lot more secure and as if these projects were mine as well. As it is I feel that he is very much in charge (and he certainly would not accept any real input in terms of design etc iyswim) but might delegate the odd job here and there as you would to an employee.
I don't know how to get out of this impasse and maybe I am projecting too much of my own stuff on to this?
Please be gentle because I am aware that all this talk of death is a bit weird but I need to know if him saying the above makes it sound as if he really does not give a flying whatever about what does or does not happen to me should he die before me. Almost as if I am not really here - kind of like a hologram or like the wives who used to forced to burn on their husbands' funeral pyres.
We have separate finances and he is the one with the ultimate control really. In the past when I have said that I would like to co-own the house we live in he has said that he cannot have people telling him what to do or having control over him, and that if I want my own house (so to speak) I should go out and work for it. At that point I was a SAHM. It upsets me that he does not seem to see my contribution (looking after the 3dc) as worthy of much in a way. I have now started slowly getting work - at least during term time for now. Poorly paid but it has made me feel better.
The whole issue has become an obsession for me in a way. I am quite an obsessive person. What I would really like is a different way of looking at things so that the same thoughts stop going round and round my head!!
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Was I being unreasonable to be upset by this? Will sound a bit strange - apologies in advance!
noperspectiveonthis · 24/07/2015 23:12
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