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Has anyone ever lost contact with loved SDC?

(7 Posts)
StuffDocMcStuffins Fri 24-Jul-15 20:56:31

I just want help in understanding my DP's situation so I know how to go forward really.

He was married quite young to a woman who already had two children. He hasn't any of his own. Their relationship moved really quickly and he moved in within months and they married shortly afterwards. Neither of his SDC had much contact with their fathers and while he never formally adopted them he was their father for five years. He thought of them as his own. They were very young when he first met them, the youngest was only a few months old.

After five years, they split quite acrimoniously (she cheated), although it sounds like the relationship was bad for a while. He was eventually cut off from all contact with the children. He hasn't seen them since about 18 months ago while they were separated.

Six months later, he met me and we've been in a pretty lovely relationship ever since. I have one DD who is around the same age as his DSD.

We took it really slowly in regards to him meeting my DD. Infact they only recently have and have now met a few times.

He has recently admitted he still feels really sad sometimes about the SDC and that he loved them so much and is never going to see them again. And that it has made him worry about getting close to my DD. And he has had a fear that what if he can't completely in the future. Although he says he doesn't want that to be the case.

This worries me a little bit. I don't want to put her in a situation where she is never going to be loved.

Ive never been in his position with children involved but I know what it's like to be badly burned in a relationship. My attitude is you've got to keep taking a risk, yes be more cautious and more sure but why think you have to close yourself off? But then, is his situation much worse and more of a grief?

I want children with this man. I love him, although I've not actually told him that, maybe I should.

Has anyone ever been in his position before? He doesn't really like talking about it but I want to know about how it feels and how to treat it if that makes sense

PushingThru Fri 24-Jul-15 21:27:57

Yes. My ex partner of six years prevents me from seeing her daughter since our acrimonious split a year ago. She replaced me with a new girlfriend in a week / possibly cheating. I'd known her since she was a baby. It is honestly a heartbreak & my first thought when I wake up every day. I can understand his reluctance for closeness to other children, but equally your needs and circumstances matter and holding back isn't going to be tenable for you with a daughter. I'm hoping that time heals for me & perhaps it will for him too, but sometimes the passing of time and important events like a birthday etc remind you that you're missing that child. Personally, I wouldn't be able to be in a relationship with someone with a child again, but your partner has made an active decision to do so & if you are to have a future together, it must all come together somehow. I'd be patient in the meantime & monitor the introduction of your daughter & partner & how their relationship blossoms.

honeyroar Fri 24-Jul-15 23:06:36

That's really sad to hear two stories, in just two posts, of people mourning the loss of children they loved, despite not being their own. I bet the children missed them too. Why must some adults be so mean and selfish in break ups. Surely even the odd card or phone call wouldn't hurt, even if they didn't want to see their exes?

I'd hope that in both cases time heals the wound a bit and they feel
Able to trust again.

PushingThru Sat 25-Jul-15 03:07:10

^ thank you x

StuffDocMcStuffins Sat 25-Jul-15 14:34:59

Thank you so much for your input pushing and I'm really sorry that happened to you.

It's helped me understand a little more about what might be going through DP's head too.

I have wondered why he embarked on a relationship with someone else with a child. He said he wouldn't have if he didn't think he could handle.

Time will tell I guess

thanks

pocketsaviour Sat 25-Jul-15 14:44:17

Yes, I went through this when I left my H. I had been bringing up my DSS since he was 5, and I left when he turned 11. At first my H was happy for me to have him every weekend, but then he realised he could use access to hurt me, and would randomly cut off contact on a whim. It was extremely hurtful to me, but it was worse that I knew DSS was being punished and was missing me terribly.

Your DP may wish to consult a solicitor about a contact order. It is not unheard of for a step-parent to be awarded contact, although every situation is different and it must be shown to be in the child's interest and that there was a close and meaningful relationship between step-parent and child.

In my case the threat of taking my ex to court, based on the information a solicitor had given me during a free half hour consultation, was enough to scare my H into allowing contact again. (H then died a few years later and I had to struggle to try to get DS back from his birth mum, who is an emotionally and physically abusive fuckwit, but that's another story.)

StuffDocMcStuffins Sat 25-Jul-15 17:24:21

Thanks for the advice pocket. DP has decided against this course of action for various reasons I can't really go into incase I out us all. Basically, the SDCs situation now is potentially quite confusing and he feels a legal battle would do more harm than good with it being 18 months ago anyway.

Did it work out for you? Or is you DSS still with his mother?

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