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I am the OW

(395 Posts)
headinthesand55 Fri 24-Jul-15 19:09:13

I have been having an affair with a man for 4 years - with it getting most serious within the last 10-12 months.

I have known about his girlfriend from the beginning. She has found out on a few odd occasions and we have stopped once or twice but we both always go back to each other. I think the initial stages for him were just a bit of fun but he has recently admitted about 3 months ago how he realises how much I mean to him and how he thinks about leaving home every day to be with me.

We have just spent a night away together in a hotel and it was amazing. We both said I love you a few months back and he is absolutely lovely to me and makes me very happy. But obviously, he still hasn't left her. He has a holiday booked with her and mentioned it last night so I know he still plans on being with her in a few months when they go.

I just cannot bring myself to end it with him even thought I know what I am doing is wrong.

He makes me feel amazing and so happy, and I miss him incredibly when we aren't together and he says the same. He has been part of my life for 4 years and I know him very well, but I know I cannot go on for another 4 like this!

Do I give him an outright ultimatum? I know most people on here will say he won't leave her, and I think deep down that is true. However, a mutual friend of ours recently found out her boyfriend was having an affair and he was going on about how she should get shut of him and not stay with him just because they own a house together. He too owns a house with his girlfriend.

Do I tell him exactly how I feel and ask what his plans are? Earlier in the week he said he doesn't know what he is doing with his life and it's a mess.

SkatesMcgee Fri 24-Jul-15 19:11:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SkatesMcgee Fri 24-Jul-15 19:12:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect333 Fri 24-Jul-15 19:12:50

He won't leave her. If she has found out and they are still together, why would he leave her?

GinSoakedBitchyPony Fri 24-Jul-15 19:12:51

Shall I get the popcorn in?

rumred Fri 24-Jul-15 19:13:38

Is this a wind up or have you done no research into Mumsnet/you can't read?

usualsuspect333 Fri 24-Jul-15 19:14:20

I mean he had the opportunity to end it with her when she found out. But he chose to stay with her.

He's using you and her.

StickEm Fri 24-Jul-15 19:14:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatieScarlettreregged Fri 24-Jul-15 19:14:46

They are not even married?
And he hasn't given any indication he will leave her for you. In 4 years?

GinSoakedBitchyPony Fri 24-Jul-15 19:15:14

rumred - aye, well timed, posted on a Friday night too wink

LovesYoungDream Fri 24-Jul-15 19:15:21

Yawn....Friday night already and this is the best you can come up with ophmm

Yarp Fri 24-Jul-15 19:16:44

OP is you are real you are a masochist.

He's not very nice is he? Do you want to be with someone who Isn't Very Nice?

Yarp Fri 24-Jul-15 19:16:57

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LovesYoungDream Fri 24-Jul-15 19:17:02

grin Gin Great minds think alike!

andthenagain Fri 24-Jul-15 19:17:36

He has no reason to leave why should he when he can get extra sex from you with very little effort,
Booking a holiday with his GF shows commitment. He says he loves you to keep you sweetly waiting in the wings.
Grow up and do the right thing, Find yourself a BP who wants to be with you, not be someones sly bit on the side.

Hopefulnewbie Fri 24-Jul-15 19:17:59

Why would you want to be with a man who cheats on his girlfriend?
Not to sound horrible, I wouldn't commment on here to have a go at you but it's been 4years.. If he wanted to leave her, he would.
He's got the best of both worlds as you know about his girlfriend and are still happy with the situation so he has no reason to end things with her, he's saying he loves you but he's not exactly showing it is he.
I think you should put down the last 4years as experience and find someone available who will put you first.

rumred Fri 24-Jul-15 19:18:20

But gin why? Why would the op bother? I honestly don't understand.

whereismagic Fri 24-Jul-15 19:19:05

I know of a man who left his wife and children having had an affair for a similar amount of time. So anything is possible. The question is: if it became "serious" only a year ago why did you spend 3 years with somebody for whom you were just fun on a side?

hesterton Fri 24-Jul-15 19:19:41

Oh I don't honk you've given it nearly long enough. At least 12 years I believe is the minimum and you have to have had at least half of your Christmases eating toast and marmite on your own by the phone with big tears plopping into your Baileys.

And really, you should stick it out until the bitter twisting in your guts of having sacrificed everything to be someone's occasional scrapings when you have become too old to have children.

You're just NOT COMMITTED ENOUGH TO THIS RELATIONSHIP.

ScrambledEggAndToast Fri 24-Jul-15 19:21:00

No idea why I am getting involved.......

However, if you end up with this 'wonderful man', I hope you realise that he will feel the need for another OW very quickly.

That's my contribution.

StaircaseAtTheUniversity Fri 24-Jul-15 19:21:29

He won't leave. And even if he did, he's a faithless cad who's fucked you and her about for years. You can do better than this. Been where you are and thought I couldn't live without him.... But I did and my life is much better as a result. Turn and leave and never look back. Leave them to it.

TrojanWhore Fri 24-Jul-15 19:22:34

Let me guess. He's with his GF (and friends, family) this weekend. Talking about him is all you get until Monday.

I'm amazed you've settled for that for all this time.

Enoughalreadyyou Fri 24-Jul-15 19:22:45

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WallyBantersJunkBox Fri 24-Jul-15 19:22:53

I think he's very carefully planning a stealth move from her to you, he's probably discretely moving one sock a week from the chest of drawers so not to hurt her feelings and that's what's taking so long. But hang in there...I mean why would he lie to you?

Why not just stay as you are?

Then you can enjoy romantic weekends away with candle lit dinners and I love yous.

She can stay home washing his skiddy undies and subbing your mini breaks. It's all she deserves after all, the deluded fool....

ThroughThickAndThin01 Fri 24-Jul-15 19:24:11

He may leave. He may not. Who knows. Only time will tell.

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