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Is this me or him being unreasonable?

(53 Posts)
wherehaveigonewrong Fri 24-Jul-15 18:18:36

I have nc for this as I feel very fragile and also terrified of someone outing me in RL. Please be gentle with me, I don't know where to turn, and I have had good advice on here before. (not that I've always taken it sad).

I've been with DP a few years, it hasn't been easy but we are still together. Not living together but I moved to be nearer him as he said he wanted this and at the time we were planning to live together eventually. It never happened though, and now I don't know if I even want it to, but thats a whole other story.

We both have adult DCs, he lives with his, I live alone.

We haven't seen much of each other in the last week, only in fact at social things with other people and at his home with his DC there. Last night when I left his, he said he'd be over today at lunchtime and made it clear he would want sex. I didn't say I would, tbh I havent felt very sexy recently due to medication and just being tired I think. (oh dear this is really difficult). Then he text me later to say he was looking forward to tomorrow (ie today). When I found the text this morning I felt a bit wrong about him coming over at lunchtime for a sh*g with no weekend plans in place, I don't know why but I think I was afraid he would then find he was busy all weekend and I would feel a bit used? So I text light heartedly to say I hoped he was looking forward to a cup of tea and a chat and not lunchtime sex as I was working and busy and not up for that. Later I rang him just to make sure, he said yes he had seen my text and would be with me at 1pm.

He came over, and within a few minutes asked me to go to bed, I said no, and he started saying why not, what was wrong with me, we'd had a nice evening last night, what was I doing, what did I think he was expecting after I'd kissed him and been cuddly last night etc etc. It blew up into a horrible row and in the end I stupidly said i wouldnt go to a social thing with him and friends this evening. he went home, and after I had cooled down a bit I went round and said I was sorry and I did'nt want to be without him, I did want to go with him and could we just kiss and make up please and be nice. We cuddled a bit then he then asked me to go to bed again, and because it was only half an hour before the event time I said no, I didn't want to just sh*g and go. (I thought the social thing would cheer us up a bit then we could come back, have a drink and go to bed properly). He went ballistic (not violent) saying he had feelings, he was a man, I was crazy and weird to come and say I wanted to be with him but then not want sex immediately. I can't even type the things he said, it just sounds so wrong somehow.

Anyway the end of it was he said I couldnt go and he'd go alone, which he did. he said he would come back to mine later and now I'm in a right state because I can't decide whether to go out, stay in, be smiley, dump him, or what. I do suffer with anxiety and depression which he knows so stuff like this is hard for me. I know I'm not blameless in all this so I expect someone will tell me I'm an idiot and what did I expect, I just seem to have lost all my judgment and I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable or not even when he tells me I am.

Should I go out somewhere so I'm not in in case he comes? Or just not answer the door? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill and should I just be cheery and have a drink with him and let things go? I really don't want to be a crazy weird woman, that's not me. He says I'm making him ill with my unreasonableness which I don't want at all. I just want it to be like it used to be really.

SewingAndCakes Fri 24-Jul-15 18:22:26

Do you want him to come round later? He sounds like hard work and you communicated very clearly to him that you didn't want to have sex.

TalkingintheDark Fri 24-Jul-15 18:22:59

Yes, you are blameless in this. The blame is 100% with him. Dump him now.

wherehaveigonewrong Fri 24-Jul-15 18:27:10

sewing I don't know. Partly i do, hoping it will be all OK and he'll be nice, and a bit I don't, I just want him to stay away so I can get on with being sad and get better. He is the sort that will never admit he is wrong and actually I wonder now if he wanted to go on his own all along.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret Fri 24-Jul-15 18:28:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret Fri 24-Jul-15 18:30:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flatbellyfella Fri 24-Jul-15 18:32:05

Dump the self righteous user...." men have feelings ?" So do women !!
He is being very unreasonable .

LindyHemming Fri 24-Jul-15 18:35:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Fri 24-Jul-15 18:35:56

You were very clear that you didn't want sex. He turned up and expected sex anyway, he then argued with you and had a go at you for not instantly agreeing to his demands.

What kind of man wants to argue you into submission when he knows you're not interested? He actually doesn't care if you want to sleep with him or not, he expects you to deliver on demand.

Please leave him. This isn't how nice men behave. You deserve so much better and you have done nothing wrong.

DoreenLethal Fri 24-Jul-15 19:19:40

OP is he really an utter cunt underneath, do you think?

He says I'm making him ill with my unreasonableness which I don't want at all. I just want it to be like it used to be really.

Saying no to sex is not unreasonable. You are not his sex toy. I suspect you might feel better about yourself if you scrape your self esteem up off the floor and tell him to go fuck himself and delete him from your life forever.

RandomMess Fri 24-Jul-15 19:26:34

If historically it has been him putting off living together I'd just say he's happy to use you as a companion and F*ck buddy.

You deserve more, much more.

Joysmum Fri 24-Jul-15 19:32:51

You want sex to be an expression of love and your not feeling very lived.

He just wants a fuck.

You are perfectly entitled to say no without feeling pressured. He clearly has a sense of entitlement to sex and to use your body.

I was raped by a previous partner with the same attitude. I wouldn't want you or any other woman to go through that. sad

He's not a good man.

Back2Two Fri 24-Jul-15 19:37:08

A decent respectful relationship is nothing like this.

Offred Fri 24-Jul-15 19:41:29

I really don't want to be a crazy weird woman, that's not me. He says I'm making him ill with my unreasonableness which I don't want at all.

Fucking hell... Just fuckin fucking hell!!!

You are making him ill?!?!?

You are fucking making HIM ill?!?!?!?

I'm a total non violent pacifist hippy type and this statement alone out of all the entitled, inconsiderate, disrespectful and selfish crap you have described makes me just want to punch him in the face repeatedly...

Fucking hell...

No, you are not in the wrong... He is absolutely in the wrong and you know that really, don't you? How would you feel about a man treating your friend like this?! You know he is wrong and if you ask me quite sexually dangerous - one short step from bullying you into sex to raping you...

I think you should go out tonight, call women's aid, take some time to regroup and gather strength before you even speak to him... He's an absolute shit!!!

Offred Fri 24-Jul-15 19:44:37

Come on in the abstract, emotions aside, do you really think the person who feels angry because he believes he is entitled to penetrate someone else without them wanting it is in the right or is it the person who wants to be allowed to dictate who penetrates them and feels sad that the person wanting to penetrate them isn't respecting their right to say no?

moopymoodle Fri 24-Jul-15 19:45:30

He's a pig. Get rid

trackrBird Fri 24-Jul-15 19:51:20

He is completely charmless. He wants what he wants and doesn't seem to care about you, or having a relationship with you.

I really don't want to be a crazy weird woman, that's not me. That isn't you, that's what this manipulative individual says about you, to make you do what he wants.

Time to break it off.

GoldfishCrackers Fri 24-Jul-15 19:56:22

It's not ok for him to try to bully you into having sex.
It's not ok for him to tell you you're crazy and weird.
It's not ok for him never admit to being in the wrong.

I wouldn't be cheery and let these things go. I'd text him and tell him not to come round, and don't answer the door if he comes round. He's really an unpleasant man and you don't have to accept this. It can't be very good for your mental health.

Lweji Fri 24-Jul-15 20:00:57

I think you must be glad you are not living together.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 24-Jul-15 20:05:47

Your unreasonableness at not wanting a lunchtime quickie or a brief shag shortly before you're due at a social event is "making him ill"? What illness would that be? Atrophy of the dick?

As there's only one reason why he intends to turn up later, I would suggest you take yourself off out and don't return until you know there's no chance of him fetching up on your doorstep.

NB I would suggest you text him to say you're having an early night but I suspect he'd have no compunction about ringing the bell/knocking on the door until you open up in more ways than one.

Out of curiousity, do you have sex at his place or is this activity confined to yours? Does he stay overnight with you and do you stay overnight at his house?

Lweji Fri 24-Jul-15 21:13:28

I would text him not to come to yours later because you won't open the door if he does, anyway.

You are not to blame in any way. Nobody should ever be forced to have sex if they don't want to. Even if they had said yes a few seconds before.
Nobody has ever died or got ill for expecting sex and not get it.

He is a complete twat for his behaviour in relation to you, as has been pointed out by pretty much everyone in the thread.

And this would be a deal breaker for me. I have been with a sex pest and my boundaries are very strict at this point in life.

AnotherEmma Fri 24-Jul-15 21:22:00

Goddess LOL at "atrophy of the dick"!! grin

Nothing to add except I agree with the PPs. Text him and tell him not to come over later. If he comes over anyway, don't answer the door.

OooMatron Fri 24-Jul-15 21:29:48

Oh stuff that!! He gets to go out then come to you for a shag!

No way Jose!

honeyroar Fri 24-Jul-15 22:37:26

is it really going to help if he comes round drunk? It Will just be another row and him trying to guilt trip you into sex. Bin him. You deserve much more.

TheStoic Sat 25-Jul-15 04:52:43

You are a booty call. You saying No is not part of his plan, and is making him so frustrated that he can't even pretend to hide it any more. You are not supposed to have your own thoughts. Get rid of him ASAP.

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