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Don't know what to do with DP but I don't know if we have a future.

(21 Posts)
Sinkingships Fri 24-Jul-15 16:05:00

I have always been the kind of person that likes being in a relationship, I hate being alone and feel worthless and miserable when I'm single. At the same time I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want a future with me, I don't do 'casual' dating very well.

Been with DP on and off for 2 yrs, before that I was with ExH for years but I broke up with him as he was neglectful and a drug addict.

Things with DP were hard at first as I was quite emotionally broken after my breakup with ExH amongst other things and it culminated in DP cheating on me about a year ago. We did eventually get back together but I find even though I have forgiven him for it and I understand his reasons at the time, I'm having trouble getting over it completely. I don't like to admit it but I still have real trust issues which DP doesn't help sometimes when we goes out and refuses to tell me where he is - I'm 99% sure he is with friends etc but he does it just to wind me up and I hate it because it makes me so upset and nervous after what happened before.

This and other things makes me worried that we won't have a future together. I sometimes look at other couples that seem really happy and it's not that I'm unhappy with DP but I can't help but feel like we don't have what they have and never will. I don't feel like he's 'the one', he's admitted in the past (possibly as a joke but I'm not sure) that he doesn't think we will last, which makes me feel really shitty.

We don't have a lot in common, no real common interests, often when I try to talk to him about things that interest me that he isn't interested in he just says that he doesn't care or doesn't want to talk about that which ends the conversation pretty much straight away.

That having said I do love him so much I just don't know if I can live the rest of my life with him in this way.

Also, it sounds awful but I have to think practically as well and in the horrible event that DP and I did split, I won't have anywhere to go. DP and I live together, I do work but only part time as I am going to uni in September and I can't increase my hours. I can't afford to live on my own and I have no one else I can live with but that seems like an awful reason to stay with someone (not saying that is the only reason I am staying with him but I have to factor it in).

Don't know what to do sad

Bellemere Fri 24-Jul-15 16:11:00

I think you do know, I think you just don't want it to be the truth, perhaps?

He doesn't sound very nice. He broke your trust and now winds you up by not telling you where he's going? That would be a deal breaker for me let alone the rest of it.

The idea of being alone is worse than the reality of it, I found. And it's infinitely better than being with someone who doesn't value you or cherish you.

Lweji Fri 24-Jul-15 16:15:48

If you don't have children and are going to Uni, I'd be looking at a flatshare. Can you afford it?

Or look for student loans or grants.

You say you can't increase your hours because you are going to Uni, or is it a job limitation? Could you postpone your Uni course until you can support yourself?

Jan45 Fri 24-Jul-15 16:17:41

You know he's no good but stick with him cos you're scared of being alone, work out why as that's not a good reason to stay with anyone.

He's already cheated, he knows you will accept crap so winds you up and goes out and tells you nothing, until you can value yourself, he wont either, he will just keep taking advantage of you.

Morley19 Fri 24-Jul-15 16:21:30

you do know the answer, you just don't want to face it.

You need to sort out practically a way to move on without him

Good luck

Sinkingships Fri 24-Jul-15 16:28:22

Bellemere, I just don't know if it's worth sticking with or if he will never see my point of view. I have talked to him before about that and other issues I have with his behaviour but has a very 'I'm not going to be bossed about and told what to do' attitude, which means he refuses to do quite reasonable things I ask him to do due to, imo, some macho idea of being 'whipped'.

When we broke up before it was beyond awful. Not just emotionally agonising but I couldn't eat or sleep properly for weeks. Don't know if I'm strong enough to go through all that again.

Lweji, I would happily be in a flatshare but I really don't know how I would afford it, I only earn about £400 a month and am not eligible for anything as far as I'm aware.

I am getting a student loan/'maintainence grant' but that won't come into effect until sometime in September and even then will only work out to be about £70 a week (absolutely better than nothing but not sure that would be enough for me to live on on my own).

I can't increase my job hours because I only cover days off for the other members of staff, I will do extra hours in the holidays but not really during term time.

Jan45 Fri 24-Jul-15 16:32:39

Look at the crap he has put you through in 2 years.

The longer you stay the longer you deprive yourself of a normal, happy and healthy relationship.

You may be entitled to housing benefit if you are on such a low wage.

8angle Fri 24-Jul-15 16:32:46

This is a horrible relationship for you to be in and you seem very aware of that.

As others have said, find a way to move out as soon as practical.

Then you should spend some time on your own / single. I know this seems hard but you will always end up vulnerable in a relationship if you can't be happy on your own.
If you can't value time with yourself, then you will always accept being in a relationship with someone who also doesn't value you.

good luck

Lweji Fri 24-Jul-15 16:35:08

So, at the moment you are effectively living off him?
And he is using your financial dependency to act as he pleases.

Go and talk with CAB. You should be able to find housing through the council. You'd need to break up with him and for him to kick you out.

Could he afford to live by himself?

Sinkingships Fri 24-Jul-15 16:53:43

8angle, I think that is part of the problem. I have very low self esteem and I always have had. I think because of that I have ended up in relationships that have been no good for me and put up with it for years because I don't think I can get any better.

Sometimes I look back at the mess I have made of my life and it makes me so depressed, uni is, for me, the chance for a fresh start and hopefully the beginning of a path to a better future but sometimes I just don't think I'm able to be happy in the future because of everything that's happened in the last few years.

Lweji, I'm not living off him as such but because we share all the bills 50/50 and he earns a lot more than me (he works full time) he has the option of living alone and I don't really.

He can be so loving towards me, talking about marriage etc and then the next day can be saying that he doesn't think that we will last and joking that if I do XYZ I'll be single and he can find someone else. It's wrecking my head sad

8angle Fri 24-Jul-15 17:01:52

I know it is glib, but try not to worry about the past - there is literally nothing you can do about it. You are doing something about your future - university is a great step forward and who knows where it will lead.

Don't worry about the idiot you live with - as soon as you can, you will be moving on, and he will be another thing in you past to be forgotten. Anything he says now should just be white noise.

Spend some time single, get involved in your university course and all the other activities on offer that interest you, enjoy the freedom of doing what you want, when you want and coming back to a room that is your own space, with no one belittling or insulting you. No one "wrecking your head".

good luck and take care of yourself

Lweji Fri 24-Jul-15 17:06:25

So, do you get any disposable income?

Was it your choice to live where you do?

It doesn't sound like a very fair split, particularly if he goes off and does his own thing without any consideration for you.

It's fine if you share 50-50 but that's mostly for room mates, not life partners, IMO.

Lweji Fri 24-Jul-15 17:07:35

Also, it looks like he is playing carrot and stick with you.
Keeping you hopeful that it will lead to marriage and keeping you on your toes as he may leave at any moment... Nasty.

ineedabodytransplant Fri 24-Jul-15 18:02:49

Probably been said but you do realise he's a wanker, don't you?

He cheats and then 'rubs' your nose in it.

Come on girl, you deserve better, much better, than the low-life you've hitched up with.

Sinkingships, you need to realise that you deserve better than you are settling for. Get away while you can. Someone better, and to be honest any man is better than the shite you're with now, wil be around somewhere.

Good luck.

Sinkingships Fri 24-Jul-15 18:17:47

Lweji, that is exactly how I feel sometimes, like if I don't do anything and everything he wants he will just replace we with someone who will. I want him to be with me because of who I am not just for all the stuff I do for him.

Sometimes, (and I'm not making excuses for him here but) I do feel that he doesn't really have an idea of what a real, functional relationship is supposed to be like. He spent years in a very unhappy relationship with his ex and I think he's in that mindset now of 'I'm not going to take any shit' and instead of being reasonable and conceding that sometimes in relationships you have to compromise, he's very much 'my way or the highway' now.

OllyBJolly Fri 24-Jul-15 18:28:57

Really, you are worth more than this. You are making excuses for him.

Being single can be really wonderful. You say you "are the kind of person who likes being in a relationship" but what you describe doesn't sound a very happy way of living.

Get a flatshare while you're at uni. Spend a couple of years just getting to know and like yourself. Invest in you. Get your own independence so that you are never cornered in a situation like this again. Give yourself some real choices in life.

You are never going to be happy in this current relationship. Neither of you are.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Fri 24-Jul-15 19:38:27

This relationship is just meeting your attachment needs. You don't love him, you don't trust or have anything in common with him and you don't feel he's the one. You just can't bear to be on your own and you're feeding that need with this guy. What you actually need is therapy to work on your self esteem and anxious attachment but for a start you need to break up with this place holding guy and stand on your own two feet.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Fri 24-Jul-15 19:39:56

I want him to be with me because of who I am not just for all the stuff I do for him
I think you don't actually want to be with him for him but for what he does for you, practically and emotionally. You are both trying to force a relationship that doesn't fit.

Atenco Sat 25-Jul-15 00:23:31

Mmm, bangle is giving you really good advice. In my late teens, early twenties I went for one relationship to another without allowing anytime in between and I too ended up with a wanker. I didn't even feel that I loved him but I still would have stayed with him if he hadn't done me the favour of breaking up. Then I went into a very deep depression, but that was because I was mourning for three relationships altogether. To me this is what happens when you don't allow time in between relationships, you end up scared of being on your own and settling for any auld rubbish.

Creatureofthenight Sat 25-Jul-15 00:38:27

Someone that really cares for you does not talk about marriage one day and breaking up the next.
Someone that really cares for you shows at least a passing interest in the things that you care about, even if they are not massively into it themselves ( exhibit A- my attempts at talking about cricket with DH!).
Someone that really cares for you doesn't "wind you up" by not telling you where they're going.
I think you know all this, and I understand that being on your own is a scary prospect. I have read so many threads on here from women who are in unhappy relationships, please think carefully about your future. Is this situation really so much better than making your own way in life for a little while?

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Sat 25-Jul-15 10:38:08

"I have always been the kind of person that likes being in a relationship, I hate being alone and feel worthless and miserable when I'm single"
Sinking, this is such a self-descructive place to be because it will put you at far greater risk of putting up with unsuitable men. Would you consider going to your GP and asking for a referral for counselling to help with your self-esteem issues? You really need to learn how to feel happy being single. I can't stress this enough.

"I would happily be in a flatshare but I really don't know how I would afford it"
Have you spoken to the uni about this? They usually have a team that help students with housing issues so worth having a chat with them. Have you actually looked into the financial implications of living as a single woman or are you assuming you can't afford to?

"When we broke up before it was beyond awful. Not just emotionally agonising but I couldn't eat or sleep properly for weeks. Don't know if I'm strong enough to go through all that again."
Unfortunately you will have to go through it again because your relationship is unlikely to last. And while it does last it's giving you angst which you will not want when you need to focus on studying. It's just a matter of when, not if, it ends and far better if it happens at a time when it impacts the least on your studies. Imagine if he dumps you just before your exams! It could be catastophic for you. But imagine it happens now, when you have weeks to heal before you start uni. Only you can control that.

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