Not too sure if I'm posting this in the right place.
My twin brother and I have always been really close and we've always been able to tell each other anything and everything but this is a whole new situation and I don't know how to approach it.
My brother met his girlfriend three years ago, she seemed nice at first but I didn't get a chance to spend much time with her. She would come out or round to our house and would feel ill or need to leave for something early. The times I did spend with her I noticed the way she spoke to my brother was at times quite rude, mean or sometimes aggressive. She used to take any opportunity to embarrass or humiliate him. I never mentioned anything because it wasn't my place to say.
They moved to another part of the country last year. My brother had a really good job here with a few good friends and he's now self employed and doesn't have any friends where he lives. He's told me that he sometimes feels really lonely but there's no one there for him to meet up with. He seems to have really changed and is now quite withdrawn and doesn't have much confidence any more. His girlfriend has a job and from what I see in Facebook quite a few friends in the area who she sees regularly and goes out without my brother quite a bit.
A few things have happened recently that are making me want to say something to him about the situation. Something more than "how are things?"
I had a baby four months ago. My brother came to visit and was really happy to see us. He spent a few days here without girlfriend who then came to visit. She refused to hold the baby (which is fine, I know not everyone likes babies!) but then said "Ugh, I really can't stand kids. Babies are even worse, they just scream and scream. Your one mightn't cry, but it still isn't cute enough to want to hold. Why not just get a dog instead?" I was a bit hurt by this so I did bring it up with my brother and he just brushed it off with you know what she's like. I asked if they ever talked about kids and he laughed it off saying she's not interested in anything like that. Fair enough, she doesn't want kids or like them but doesn't mean she has to insult my baby!
I asked him last month when he would next be visiting and he said he wasn't sure so I asked if we could come up for a few days to see him. He got really excited about this and began to plan a whole week of things to do. The next day I got a text saying it would be best to leave coming up for a while with the baby being so young as they have just got a dog. I said I was planning on staying in a hotel so wouldn't need to be around the dog and he then said that the girlfriend will have to check work if she can get time off and he'll let me know.
Another thing that happened was my brother's old boss contacted the girlfriend on Facebook (my brother deactivated his own but I have no idea why) and asked if she would ask him to give him a call about some work he had for him. From what he said, it looked like a good opportunity and meant that he'd be back here for a few days. I asked him a few days later about it, just in passing saying that I'd seen it on Facebook and it looked good. He had no idea what I was talking about and when I went on to her page I saw that the post had been deleted.
The final thing that has really got to me is that one of our best friends from school is moving away to Australia next month. We've planned to have a surprise party for him next weekend. It will be my first night out since having the baby so really looking forward to seeing all my friends. My brother suggested we hire out a room in a pub we used to all drink in and was really looking forward to coming. He called me this morning to let me know he can't make it. His girlfriend has booked a last minute holiday with girls from work, it was a really cheap deal that she couldn't say no to, now he needs to stay at home with the dog. He said he wanted to put them in a kennel for the weekend but the girlfriend hated that idea and it caused a big fight so to make life easier he's just going to stay at home.
I couldn't even talk to him about it, so I just said that it was a shame he'd be missing out on it but we can arrange something else whenever he's next free.
I know he needs to grow a pair and stand up to her, but I'm suspecting that she's been emotionally abusing him. He is a complete shadow of his old self and seems really unhappy. He's admitted once to me that he is not happy with the relationship but can't find a way to leave her. He said she makes him feel happy and then hate himself in the space of an hour sometimes but he knows she doesn't want him to be unhappy and that she's sorry when she makes him feel this way. He also told me that she hit him once after an argument and has thrown a plate at him but he knows she was sorry and he'd done something wrong so deserved it. I think he's scared to do anything or talk to her about how unhappy he is.
We're moving to a new house that has a converted garage and he could come and stay here if he needed to get away for a while. He'd find work in no time back here and I know his old boss would love to have him back.
How can I tell him that he needs to get out of this relationship? I know if it was the other way round and someone was treating me like that, someone would have already picked up on the signs that I was in an abusive relationship. He would have came and dragged me away if he had to and I want to do the same for him.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
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Relationships
Tricky situation with brother and girlfriend
PikaWho · 24/07/2015 14:13
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