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Is perimenopause private or open to ils input?(29 Posts)
My dh has just returned from staying with his whole clan (we live abroad) and apparently the word is I should be getting hrt for my moods and stroppyness! Not that it was worded like this by dh, more like his db "suffered terribly" due to his wife's early onset and poor dh, who is his mum's special snowflake (pushing 50!!!) should not be subjected to something so easily curable.
Part of me snorts at how preposterous their attitude is (don't know how many were actually involved in this decision making, pils? Db? Dsil? My dsc?) as there is a history of mh issues, alcohol abuse and lots of pill popping in his original family that has been made known to me and then conveniently glossed over when someone wins at golf or some other completely irrelevant yet vaguely glamorous shit.
Another part of me knows that dh can be a real arse to secure a comfortable life by making out random others (exw) are really to blame for shortcomings.
Let me just point out the huge enormous impact my fluctuating hormone levels have had on our relationship: my periods which may now be stronger and last longer means less sex on demand. That's it. No hot flushes, no weird behaviour (except taking less BS and becoming more assertive in general
Should perhaps have posted in AIBU or health thread instead, but I read about so many dh/ ils related matters here, I thought I'd try here first.
What is he doing talking about your hormones to his family? Let alone 'moods and stroppyness'? Totally disloyal. Rude. Inappropriate etc
He can fuck off.
His mum wants you "cured" of being assertive. He agrees.
Why do I suspect this is the tip of the twattish behaviour iceberg?
How did he come to be discussing your periods with his family?
My DP discussed our (very private) miscarriage with his "D"sis. She has told all and sundry all about it and denied that it was her. I felt completely and utterly violated.
I really really don't get how any woman could think that they have a right to talk about any other woman's gynaecological health details that are clearly private. I have no idea why your ILs didn't point out to your DH just how disrespectful he was being. You have my complete sympathies. I don't know what the answer is now it has been done though.
Your situation is slightly different though as your DH did it without your knowledge/consent (I was fine with my DP telling his DSis when he needed some support). I would be so fuming with your DH in your situation.
Thanks for replies.
I spent some time now writing a detailed rundown of our marriage but decided it's really irrelevant.
Agree with everybody saying its fundamentally twattish behaviour and it's always worse when he's been receiving "support" from his family.
In better moments he admits his selfishness and promises change but it's obvious now he's not "the new man" he sold himself as (as opposed to his macho dad).
What really grates on me is that he feels so terribly entitled. His mum always tells me to look after her boy when we part company (visits to us or theirs) and I don't ever recall her reminding him to treat his wife well.
They all HATED his first wife, who I admit is terribly entitled herself, but I wish I had half her nerve now!
There was talk of db and dsil visiting but I said no, and have encouraged dh to visit his family
a lot by himself with/without dsc so as not to come between them. But after this break of them all patting themselves on the back and discussing me (I have always received wayyyy too much info re dsil, btw) I'm not sure our marriage can take that much pil/ mil input any more?
Mil also always has some impenetrable illness
probably alcohol related that requires loads of attention and and and ... And they Skype weekly.
There has always been a hint of "no one is good enough for my boy" but I feel a new level of outrageousness has been hit.
Cake, really sorry about your miscarriage. That is so much worse. Thanks for replying though. It is a violation.
Blimely, this should be discussed with no one outside you and your DH. I would flip if my DH had done this.
BTW, I have just started HRT - and it is not going great so far. Whilst the hot flushes have subsided somewhat I started bleeding two weeks in and this has continued for 4 weeks!! I am thinking twice about continuing. Sorry, that was completely irrelevant!
He told you what his family reckon you need to take for your "moods and stroppyness"? Oh. My. God.
Was he wearing full body armour and ear plugs when he came out with that gem?
Amothersplace, thanks for sharing that, I don't know anybody who has been happy with hrt (including bloody mil!!) and so far I've not had anything too debilitating to make me even consider it.
Thanks everybody for your moral support
... I'm feeling less moody already!
I'm not sure it is worse OP.... your privacy being violated is horrible whatever the circumstances. Medical stuff is private unless the person concerned chooses to share it, and knowing someone has been discussing your medical conditions without your consent is just.... actually I don't know the word but when it happened to me it just made my skin crawl. It still does when I think about it.
A (male) friend of mine started telling me details of his DP's periods a few months ago and I just stopped him and said "Does she know you're telling me this? No? Then stop?" In your case I would be so cross - both with your DH for sharing it and with his ILs for not telling him that this had nothing to do with them and that your gynaecological details are not for public speculation. And it's entirely up to you you if and how you want to deal with any symptoms not them.
The idea that they all get to sit around discussing something that is so personal to you is just so entitled.
I would also point out to him that the reason you are "moody and stroppy" is that him and his family do not treat you respectfully. And that the remedy to that is obvious - and it ain't HRT!
"Medical stuff is private unless the person concerned chooses to share it, and knowing someone has been discussing your medical conditions without your consent is just.... actually I don't know the word but when it happened to me it just made my skin crawl. It still does when I think about it."
I can imagine that having people know details of a miscarriage must be very upsetting.
I think it's pretty normal for people to tell people some things about their partner's health, isn't it? I mean, some things are more personal than others - maybe your colleague mentioning his dp's periods was looking for advice/support?
My dp is having tests for thyroid function. I've mentioned this to a couple of friends (mainly as a funny story about how the twit managed to miss not one but two GP appointments to discuss it) but I don't feel he would be bothered that I had done this.
I think saying "Mel gets hots flushes" to his mum (I don't [yet]) isn't a big deal. If she replied "oh, has she looked into HRT, it was good for my mate x" then that is all fine too.
Where the OP's case is wrong is them being quite so demanding about it and also rather than it being a consideration of her health it's all about the dh. If my dp's mum, in response to him mentioning hot flushes said "that must be so hard for you to put up with darling, tell her she has to do something so you don't have to put up with that" then I would soon be telling him not to discuss me with her at all.
(I should note - dp's mum is lovely and if he did say something like this she'd probably just say "ooooh......nice weather isn't it")
Your DH's family are not the problem here. Your DH didn't need to tell you about what they'd been discussing, but he did, didn't he? And why's that? To give you a clear signal that you are unacceptable in some way and that he's backed up by his family.
Why are you still married to him?
I personally think that it is totally out of order, its your body and a confidential medical issue and he has no right to discuss it with ALL of his family. HRT doesn't suit everyone and isn't a "cure" for menopause, we all go through it and all have different symptoms and your doctor should advise what is best for you, not his family! Also it does sound as though its all about him, why didn't she recommend that he takes a chill pill and tries to be more understanding towards you?!
I wonder if your DH has used your hormone trouble as the excuse for your absence?
Wow, loads of food for thought here.
Agree with Melon re lovely mil, hope I can be like her one day (ds 17). This is so no one's business. But thanks for making me laugh with the "that must be so hard for you darling..."!! Spot on.
Cailindana, are you psychic? Everything you've said actually already happened in a different context, my earlier ref to blaming dh blaming exw (her saying "don't spend money on that woman and her son" turned out to be his own miserliness, but I digress...). But yeah, in general me and my family (really small at this stage, basically 3 people) are made feel less significant. His dsc are pretty loutish BECAUSE it is encouraged behaviour.
Why am I still married to him? Good question. We spent 18 months in couple therapy and got nowhere.
Yes, tip of iceberg situation here definitely.
Using my hormones to explain my absence? That would work on so many levels as not only am I seen as weak and lacking, but dh still gets to be "best boy" with real bad luck in picking wives.
God, if I didn't know how truly pathetic his whole family were (again, dh over sharing) I'd be truly depressed. Now I'm just pissed off at their collective cheek!
Thank you mumsnetters, you have given me huge support here. Will see dh tonight and have a chat about his family discussions. Promise to report back!
Or an excuse for something else, like his behaviour? Or failure to do something?
Maybe you could phone his family and ask for advice on his erectile dysfunction and haemorrhoids?
OMG this is getting really weird!!! I just thought to myself that maybe I need to detach a bit and
seek revenge give them a dose of their own medicine. And mentioning erectile dysfunction was top of the list.
Like I said earlier, dh has a tendency to over share but I would never for the life of me give a third party unsolicited medical advice (but if mil ever suggests I need to be medicated I'll casually bring up the effects of alcohol abuse).
Have just finished reading The frazzled female, Wtf to OMG, mumsnet recommendation, and am happy to say that the message, you don't have to be a bitch, just continuously assertive definitely works. I'm too shy/ polite to confront head on, but I will keep all your encouragement with me as I tackle this intrusion.
They sound similar to my in-laws, right down to the pill popping and alcohol abuse (which is never acknowledged of course). Sil and mil decided between them bil was to get the snip! Wtaf were they even doing discussing something so personal, let alone pressurising him into having it done. Everybody on their side of the family know, because mil gossipped about it to everyone. I've never met such massively entitled people in my life.
I hope your DH's able to take it on board that discussing personal stuff about you with his family just isn't acceptable, but that's glaringly obvious, right?
but not to the Entitled
Hmm - I remember ignoring my mother's overinvested info on DBIL's snip. I have no doubt that DH's lack of snip was discussed as my pill taking came up in a
row conversation when I was about 40 which leaves me thinking as it was never flaunted or discussed by me or DH..............
Nope, relationships is absolutely the correct place for this. How fucking dare he discuss you in such terms with his family.
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