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Why do i feel guilty and sad?

(17 Posts)
Errrmm Thu 23-Jul-15 21:52:29

Dp and i split again this week, we had been together for 6yrs.

He is abusive physically & mentally and it was only through lurking on here that i realised i wasnt going mad he was gaslighting me. I couldnt be ill or be tired, if i had a cold his was worse, if i had headache he had a migrane, i couldnt have an opinion or friends. It was all about him and what he wanted to do. He would make grand gestures buy me a car ( which he took from me when it suited him) bought me an engagement ring (again he took back)

I was a sahm, he told me i was lazy so i got a part time job, he said i was neglecting the dc due to them going to after school club for a couple of hours. I paid for everything, his money was his own.

He put me down over everything nothing i did was ever right. He called me digusting names accused me of allsorts belittled me in front of people. He would hit, push, and drag me about or throw things at me. He would ignore me for days on end creating an atmosphere in the house.

He told me i had to go to the doctors as i was paranoid and loosing my mind so i went thinking maybe it was me, i got a prescription for antidepressants. He made me throw them away as he wouldnt be with a nutter that had to rely on happy pills ( he denied telling me to go see the dr)

I lost my job and i was upset it was the only thing i had for me, he didnt care to him it didnt matter. The other night he actually reeled off a list of things he doesnt like about me!

Theres lots more alot more!!!

But now hes finally gone and hes staying gone, my youngest was stood with his hands over his ears last night as we were arguing, my dd told me she never wants a boyfriend if there like exp its heartbreaking,

So why after all this am i feeling guilty over him leaving? Why is he making me feel like he is the saint that took me and dcs on and i should be grateful to him?

daisyJ123 Thu 23-Jul-15 22:37:14

Well done OP for protecting yourself and your kids by ridding yourselves of this man.
It sounds like your self esteem & self confidence have taken a massive battering after all you've been through.
Have you been able to reunite with family & friends? Do you have a support network locally?
Maybe speak to your GP re counselling & ask about support from any local domestic violence charities as you are probably very traumatised from the abuse you've suffered.
You sound like an amazing, strong and brave woman.

heyday Thu 23-Jul-15 22:48:28

It's going to take time before you learn to love and believe in yourself. You have been treated horrendously and it became so normal that you wasn't even really recognise that he was treating you so badly.
Put your foot down now and refuse to spend a moment of your life with people who make you feel bad. Surround yourself with people who love and support you.
I could sort of understand if you miss him, as I can imagine he has left a bit of a hole in your life but it's time to move on now to a better, happier future. Don't spend one minute feeling guilty, just say good riddance to bad rubbish and be much more selective of partners in future. Good luck.

Hassled Thu 23-Jul-15 22:51:43

It's really early days and you're bound to be all over the place. You've done incredibly well - and you have absolutely nothing to be grateful to him for. I agree that counselling would be a good idea. Just take your time with everything - go easy on yourself.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 23-Jul-15 23:18:49

Did he leave you or did you boot his abusive arse out of your home?

The only thing you should be feeling guilty about is the damage you've done to your dc by allowing this despicable twunt to take over your life and call the shots.

Your dc may need therapeutic input to overcome the traumas they've endured, but you can help them process the abuse they've witnessed by encouraging them to talk about their fears and their hopes for the future.

DON'T allow the twunt to cross your threshold again and please sign up for the Freedom Programme either with your local Women's Aid or at and complete it before you give any consideration to dating other men. .

Delete the twunt from your phone/emails/social media and do not enter into any communication whatsoever with him. And find another job asap so that you can begin to rebuild your self-esteem.

There's no reason for you to mourn his leaving and the only cause for sadness is that you didn't get rid of him years ago. Perhaps you and the dc can make some bunting and/or bake a cake to celebrate your liberation from his malignant presence?

ShebaShimmyShake Thu 23-Jul-15 23:23:06

Because, as you say, he gaslit you and got inside your head and controlled your sense of identity. Thank God, you have realised this, so when you feel these feelings, remind yourself that, while they are real feelings, they are not based in anything credible, they are not the facts of who you are and they are just the ghosts of his abuse and control. And one day, perhaps sooner than you think, you will exorcise them, just as you have so bravely and brilliantly exorcised that utter shitbag.

Tell yourself you no longer give that piece of shit permission to control you or your feelings, that he has no power over you that you do not allow him to have. One day you will be free, and you will see him for the cowardly, snivelling, pathetic little runt that he is.

RandomMess Thu 23-Jul-15 23:23:32

After years of him brainwashing you into believing EVERYTHING is all your fault and all relationship issues are because you are not good enough it is going to take time to reverse your thinking.

It's him, not you. Please do not give him or what spouts from his mouth any foothold in your mind or life it is lies all of it.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 23-Jul-15 23:36:34

Were you perhaps brought up on messages that you have to work hard to make relationships work, that if you make your bed you must lie in it even if some bugger rumpled it up, or that you are a difficult person to live with?

What on earth is there to feel guilty about, anyway? You split with him, you didn't bury him under the patio I hope. He's well and employed and all that. He'll survive. How about you, is another job on the cards?

newnamesamegame Fri 24-Jul-15 06:24:14

It's natural that you feel some grief and sadness over the end of a long-term relationship and add into the mix the huge social pressure on women to keep the relationship going at more or less any cost its not surprising.

That's normal and healthy. I think it may help to allow yourself to think you are grieving for the end of something in which you were quite heavily invested, as opposed to grieving him per se.

I split from my H about 2.5 months ago under similar circumstances and I'm going through all sorts of stages from elation to guilt to anger. It's not easy at all but I still feel far happier now than I did when I was with him.

Counselling would probably help with this...

Errrmm Fri 24-Jul-15 07:20:11

He left me he said he couldnt deal with me being miserable and not being able to take a joke (they were all at my expense so no im not going to laugh, it gets draining allday everyday) he was sick of me being miserable with the kids i wasnt i was anxious around him treading on eggshells something that was ok one day wouldnt be the next day.

Yes i stuck it out for alot longer than i should have, i had been in an abusive relationship before and i wanted to proove that it wasnt happening again. But it was but exp told me it was my fault i was the problem and he wasnt in the wrong.

I really thought and sometimes still do think maybe hes right nobody has 2 abusive relationships do they?

Rozalia Fri 24-Jul-15 07:35:52

Errrmmm, I had two abusive marriages, but then I had a horribly abusive childhood. I grew up thinking it was normal to "earn" love, but never quite get it, to be called names, violence aimed at me, blamed for everything, on and on. My second husband sounds just like your ex partner, but I stuck it out for nearly 20 years. He left 5 months ago for good. I wish with all my heart it had only been 6 years, but he isolated me thoroughly and I was so frightened of him I didn't know how or where to get help.

Please don't let this abusive man back into your life in any way. Please focus on your children and on your own healing. Try to do Women's Aid freedom programme to help you understand what happened and stop it happening again. Posting on MN will give you first class support, it saved my life.

I have to get ready for work now, but I'll check in when I can. Remember this "It wasn't your fault". Say it, come to understand and believe it "It wasn't my fault". Huge hugs, celebrate being free from this abusive man. Stay free from the bastard and build a happy life, if I can do it after 19 years and at my age, so can you. I'm happy and free now. thanks.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Fri 24-Jul-15 07:43:17

Despite all he's done it was him that left you. If he hadn't gone of his own accord he'd still be there with you enabling him to behave exactly as he pleases.

Listen to your daughter who is clearly telling you how unhappy your relationship with this man has made her. You may be prepared to put up with his behaviour but it is not fair on your children. When he comes back, don't let him in. You will be doing untold damage to them.

Errrmm Fri 24-Jul-15 08:37:03

I totally agree its not and hasnt been fair on the dc which is where the guilt comes from, all im doing is pining for the good times and there was some just all his terms.

Yesterday me and dc had a good time on our own and it continued up til bedtime whereas before we would have a good day out and the mood changed at hometime.

On the job front i dont know what to do i would love another job, but i think for now i need to learn how to run my home how i want to, i need to learn how to become a better mum, i let some of the dcs stuff slide because i was focused on doing stuff for exp so not to rock the boat with him. Reading that back i have been a terrible mum at times sad

goddessofsmallthings Fri 24-Jul-15 09:28:57

How old are your dc?

As he left you I have no doubt he'll be back in the next couple of days. Does he have a key to your home? If so, make it a priority to change the lock. You'll most probably only need a new barrel; they're easy to fit and there'll be a step-by-step guide for your particular lock available online.

When he returns make sure he doesn't cross your threshold and keep your dc uppermost in your mind when you tell him his days of ruling you and yours are over and you'll call the police if he doesn't leave immediately - and don't hesitate to call 999 if he kicks off or tries to gain entrance to your home.

Spend the summer concentrating on your dc and running your home the way you want and keep an eye out for a local part-time job that you can take up when the dc are back at school.

As advised above, delete his number from your phone and block him on your email/social media account(s).

Please understand that good times that come at a price are far from 'good' and don't pine for illusions of the man you thought he could be because he's never been anything other than a controlling and abusive twunt and he'll never change.

Make contact with your local Women's Aid and enrol on the next available Freedom Programme.

Jan45 Fri 24-Jul-15 16:27:16

Not just unfair on your children but damaging, probably already been damaged, keep thinking of that, put your children first, he's a weak little coward who got his kicks demeaning a woman, your poor kids.

princesspink7404 Fri 24-Jul-15 19:00:51

Was just lurking and wanted to send hugs xxx

You have made the big step now and that is the important thing. DO NOT ever take him back. Perhaps some counselling to get "you" back and then you can make a new happy life with your DC and perhaps meet someone new (and niceer) in the future. x

Errrmm Sat 25-Jul-15 20:51:08

Hes definatly gone, hes taken all his stuff clothes passport paperwork everything.

He has been and picked ds up today ( other 2 dc arent his). He was fine at pick up and drop off. How can he hold his head up high knowing what hes done to me?!

Ive just checkdd his facebook (yes i know hmm ) and theres pictures of him out with friends laughing and joking urrrgggh i hate him it seems like its roles reversed im the one that did him wrong and hes had a weight lifted why cant i be laughing and happy smiling for real not just painting it on for the dcs life really does suck right now

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