Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

New romance with boyfriend gone very wrong;-(( help please

(411 Posts)
KatieMaddocks Thu 23-Jul-15 16:59:38

Hi all,
Something I would like to share and get your help on, it was hard to write this out so please do not be unkind.
I met a guy online and our courtship and romance started off quite fast, he did all the planning, pursuing, courting and reaching out to me as well as calling, texting and making sure we have plans. we've been seeing each other for almost 3 months now, twice a week (Wednesday evening for a date in town) and on Saturday when we spend the whole day together and I stay over at his house.

We enjoy each other's company but have delved into conversations about children, family, marriage as I am 35 and had been married (no kids) before, he is 44, never married/no kids. I have voiced a desire to have a family soon with the right person, he said he wants the same. He has said he does not believe in marriage - parents divorced when he was 10 - and that he can have kids and 'then see if marriage can be on the cards'.

I am not entirely happy with it as it means he has 100% commitment from me and no recognition on paper/formally. He does say he loves me, he said it first and pursued me, but now calls less and rarely texts, also we met on Wednesday after a great weekend and he said that he was going on a finance course the next day and wanted us to finish early. I asked him if he wanted to meet at all, as he seemed distracted, a little aloof/cold and did not compliment me on my dress, looks - which he rarely does anyway, less to nothing now - and was not in a hugging/affectionate mood. I told him in a bar that I would love to see his affection and emotions and that I really like if we're tender with each other. He told me he has come out to meet only because I 'would give him grief if we didn't meet on Wednesday' and that I 'always pick an argument'.
I feel I cannot discuss the affection issue with him, he closes off and sees it as me nagging him. It felt like I was an old wife he got bored of and we're only dating 3 months!

Needless to say, I was upset, he saw me off home, did not get out of the car to say goodbye and walk me to my house. I invited him in, he declined. He wanted a kiss, I briefly kissed him and jumped out of his fancy car. He was angry I did not properly kiss him and I ended up saying why don't you come up for 5 mins? Big mistake. We ended up having sex which was mediocre (unlike before), he left and said 'cheers' on his way out....!!! Then returned realising it's wrong and just to almost tick the box said 'love ya'.

I feel like he has intimacy issues and does see me as wife/GF material but is not in love with me. He cannot say it to me face to face, plus if I bring up affection, hugs and kisses or calling during the week he gets angry and defensive. I do not know what to do and feel awful as it feels like he lost interest after hunting a beautiful girl down (he told me he was very proud a beautiful girl like me went out with him).

I feel broken hearted, upset and not loved/respected because of his recent treatment and how he talks to me on a daily basis (no compliments, cute words, no feelings.)

I played by the rules, did not pursue him, did never call him, rarely returned calls. What happened and is there a future here? Am I blind and need to move on if he does not appreciate me?

Another fact is that I am a high earner compared to him 9 years younger and have a really good job/lifestyle which he does not have to the same extent. Being a macho and a red-blooded male male, it does bother him I think. Nothing I can do about it, but thought it's important to point out. I love him the way he is, and my only criticism is absence of emotions/affection/hugs and compliments, as I am a fairly good looking girl who is used to swim in men's attention and adoration.

He does also routinely swear at waiters, people in cars and sometimes me - he has called me a 'dick' when I unbuttoned his shirt's top button, 'an arsehole', and told me 'not to behave like a bitch'. I find this really shocking as my mum and dad never speak like this, but he says it is okay and he is not meaning anything nasty by it.

What is your advice on this for the future? It was hard writing this and I really would like your point of view. I love him but not sure how/if this can work which fills me with fear and sadness.

merrygoround51 Thu 23-Jul-15 17:01:10

To be honest HE doesnt sound like marriage material, I would walk away

Jan45 Thu 23-Jul-15 17:01:54

You love him the way he is, calling you an arsehole and a dick, is this a joke?

Sorry but you really need a reality check.

CtrlAltDelicious Thu 23-Jul-15 17:04:14

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/2432196-New-byfriend-romance-and-courtship-lsot-in-translation?
Linking to the other thread you have on this OP so that people can see your updates. x

KatieMaddocks Thu 23-Jul-15 17:05:22

CtrlAltDel, thank you - I did not know how to move it into this one....

Jackie0 Thu 23-Jul-15 17:07:30

He sounds horrible.
Consider it a lucky escape

KatieMaddocks Thu 23-Jul-15 17:07:42

Jan45, he said it - as he says - #in jest', and also says he is a farmer boy so doesn't use big/elegant words, he claims it is playful doesn't mean anything...
I know. Still, find it offensive. I am so confused, because he says I am the problem and the trouble maker in this, someone who 'likes to argue'.

Petridish Thu 23-Jul-15 17:10:05

He sounds very nasty and manipulative.

Pooseyfrumpture Thu 23-Jul-15 17:12:01

Pointing out that you don't like him behaving like a jerk is you "arguing" ?

I think you know the answer. You could do so much better.

Toohotcats Thu 23-Jul-15 17:12:38

Seems to be a fair few women starting threads today which involve being called a "dick" by their partners.. Seriously, if this is genuine if a guy called me a dick and it wasn't a joke I'd be out. After 3 months? Sadly it hasn't worked out, don't you think?

goddessofsmallthings Thu 23-Jul-15 17:13:06

Use the 'Report' link to ask Mumsnet to delete this duplicate post so that responses can be easily found in one place.

Twinklestein Thu 23-Jul-15 17:17:40

He's a rude sexist arsehole, I can see why he's never married. Why would you even consider staying with him?

How much can you really love him after 3 months, you don't really know him and what you do know is unpleasant.

KatieMaddocks Thu 23-Jul-15 17:18:28

Yes, I think it did not work out. He says dick without offence, I believe him - but it is not appropriate. also, call a girl 'dick' - is it a bit weird??? A woman??

He called me an 'arsehole' for unbuttoning his shirt and trying to take his watch off at home (it was digging in). He calls himself 'hairy arse farmer' who has no manners and says I should accept him and not change him, if he is not Colin Firth.

Tournesol Thu 23-Jul-15 17:19:29

If he is like this after three months I think it is time to cut your losses.

Too much hassle to try and get a long with someone who is constantly misunderstanding you and then shows you no affection or makes you feel loved.

Twinklestein Thu 23-Jul-15 17:20:51

'Hairy arse farmer'. = abusive oaf apparently.

Jan45 Thu 23-Jul-15 17:21:45

Is he actually Wurzel Gummage, he's got about the same finesse and tact.

KatieMaddocks Thu 23-Jul-15 17:21:45

Twinkelstein, I agree. He says women are inferior, he talks about them needing to cook/wash/stay at home and be quiet...I first thought it was a joke....maybe it is...I will never know.

I just tried not to pay attention to small things and now all of the 'stuff' has piled up. I can see all of the flaws. I find it hard to cope.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 23-Jul-15 17:23:37

3 months in? He's started all hot and heavy and talking about love, marriage and kids and suddenly gone cold? This guy is a chaser. He's addicted to the chase and the first flush of love and when he gets bored he'll drop you like an old shoe. 3 months is the classic point for it to happen.

Sorry to say you've been had by a player. Next time keep
Your guard up for a LOT longer and leave the love and marriage talk until you really know someone

Keeptrudging Thu 23-Jul-15 17:24:02

Knowing what I know now, looking back over past relationships, the swearing and 'being rude to waiters' thing is the thing that all my bad /abusive exes had in common. You sound like you could do so much better than this, it's only been 3 months, get rid!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 23-Jul-15 17:24:22

Just read your last post. What's the matter with you? How could you not have dumped him at that?

KatieMaddocks Thu 23-Jul-15 17:24:24

Jan45, you made me laugh through tears;-)

Jan45 Thu 23-Jul-15 17:25:07

Good, Katie, c'mon, there's much better out there!

Tiptops Thu 23-Jul-15 17:25:52

You say you want a family soon, so cut your losses and leave this man. He isn't the one. He's pulling back on affection when you should be in the honeymoon period, whether that's because he's getting cold feet or is using affection as a way to manipulate and keep you on your toes, only he knows. Both outcomes are unpleasant for you.

I also think it's a big alarm bell that he claims to love you after only 3 months, especially with only twice weekly meetings. How can you love someone after that amount of time, you barely know them confused

Twinklestein Thu 23-Jul-15 17:27:21

He says women are inferior, he talks about them needing to cook/wash/stay at home and be quiet...I first thought it was a joke....maybe it is...I will never know.

Is it funny? No, so it's not a joke.

I think you really need to sit down and figure out why you have been with him for 3 months. This man shouldn't have got past the first date. Otherwise you're in danger in ending up with someone who's as much of an arsehole.

KatieMaddocks Thu 23-Jul-15 17:27:46

EhricLovesTheBhrothers, I know. He does want to see me, he wants me to meet his sister/mum/nephews. He invited me to a racecourse with his friends. I am therefore so confused. If he is cold, why meet me? If no affection, why see each other? He says I took his affection by 'arguing with him'. But every question is taken by him as an argument!!!! I cannot even ask anything without being called premenstrual or potentially pregnant (new joke!!!).

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now