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Being fed up of circumstances......

(3 Posts)
Lolliew Thu 23-Jul-15 14:33:40

Link to AIBU thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2431916-To-feel-fed-up

After being advised to post this under relationships with all the info together - here goes.

Following previous posts

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2380946-Help-please

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2413802-Continuing-on-from-his-EA-and-how-Im-coping

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2420475-And-so-it-continues

We are trying to spend some time together to help repair the mess we are in, and DH's depression/suicidal thoughts are making it very hard for him to 'pull himself together and move on' so I am helping him by guiding him step by step. I do totally believe him, he is a changed man, distraught about what he has done including the leaving/not leaving and needing time to think things through. I know the time scale is very short on him wanting to leave and that some may be sceptical but I see the evidence in front of me and he is devasted about what he has done.

He is back on the anti d's and is truly repentant and councilling sessions are taking place.

Anyway back onto yesterday's AIBU thread. He asked of ways to treat me nicely, things that within his grasp and that he could do easily. So I sent him a bunch of ideas via text. He choose to run a bath and candles, wine topping and to wash my hair and there be no expectations of each other for all the skin to skin touching. Cheap, time together, don't need childcare.

He got a text just after he called me into the bathroom from his long standing friend who we were very close to, he has 2 small children and a DW, he has been diagnosed with cancer that that has a 13% 1 year survival rate. Obviously he is devasted and needs his friends around him. I told my DH to go and ring him and just listen or talk or whatever his friend needed.

I did feel totally pissed off fed up that our short time together was interrupted due to his friends circumstances but wouldn't expect DH's to do anything else apart from speak to his friend. I am not that much a spoilt princess shallow.

We don't see the friend as often as we used to as when my DS1 went in the w/chair (7 years ago) they didn't know how to speak to us/discuss the situation/be friends regardless and the friendship died a little due to us not really wanting to walk our friends through our bad times when we were struggling ourselves and thought that our friends would at least ring and say I dont know what to say but I'm here for you we did still socialise a little but nothing on the scale of before.

I have offered whatever they need, child care, school runs, cooking, baking, hand holding at 3am etc - I am not callous enough to think that his situation should take a back seat to ours I just wanted a short time together to be on our own and a physical display of care from my DH to do something nice for me and it was taken away due to outside influences.

Anyway, back to this thread and I'm not going to ask AIBU to be fed up because the answer is yes and no (fed up because of time being taken away from us but because of the circumstances it's understandable) but to be shown a bit of sympathy and understanding for my feelings.

InTheBox Thu 23-Jul-15 15:55:13

Lolliew I've read and posted on pretty much all your threads.

Forgive my crassness but what exactly is stopping you from walking away from someone who has proven time and time again to not be worthy of your love or trust?

As many have commented on your previous threads a 'night in' being spoiled will not a marriage save. By all means have compassion for your friend who's recently received the cancer diagnosis. But where do you draw the line? When he'd spent close to an hour on the phone with this friend even that drove you up the wall so what exactly are you after? What other responses do you need that you haven't already heard?

Your H asking for ways to treat you nicer could have been to have never jeopardised the marriage by having an affair but that's gone now. Things will never be the same again and I suspect you are posting a great deal because you hope somewhere inside that it can and will return to what it once was. It will not. This is the harsh truth but how long will you continue torturing yourself?

Lolliew Thu 23-Jul-15 17:39:00

Inthebox - he has only once had an affair (only once yeah I know that's unacceptable) and we are still dealing with the repercussions of it, so it isn't time and again it's just an ongoing issue right now.

One night in by itself will not fix it we know, we do have plans to build on it and try to make this work. And at least he asked how to show me that he cared/do something nice, I am aware that his MH issues are making everything difficult for him right now, work and his relationship with the kids, relationship with friends etc. And even though his MH is bad he still wants to do something nice for me (yes I agree it would have been even nicer if he had thought of it himself and not been prompted with asking for ways how).

I don't want to walk away from him as he is genuinely my best friend and I do believe that he is truly sorry about what has happened.

I don't feel as if I am torturing myself and I am asking a bunch of strangers for help/advice as I have no one in RL to discuss this with who can be unbiased - the downfall of that is that you don't all know background to some of the issues that also influence decision making and it sometimes appears as drip feeding when you ask further questions.

Thank you for taking the time to post on my threads, your opinion is as always very much appreciated (even if I don't LTB smile )

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