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How do you get someone out of your headspace when you have to see them?

(10 Posts)
OnlyAFool Thu 23-Jul-15 12:41:41

Just that really.

I only have one ex I finished on bad terms with. I moved out of town, the pain diminished over time, it didn't take that long to move on once I didn't have to deal with him and I could consign him to the past.

This guy I HAVE to see. We work at the same place. He treated me so badly and I don't understand why or what I did wrong, and I'm struggling to get over it.

I don't want to be with him. I don't want to be friends with him. I want to move on and get over him but it seems impossible when I run the risk of seeing him all the time, giving him the opportunity to ignore me or avoid me.

I can't leave work, it's impossible right now. He might leave which would solve everything but I think that will take a while.

I want to stop lying awake fretting about what I did wrong, why he's treated me like this, whether I'll see him at work, what I should do, how I should react.

I need some mental strategies to cope with this, can anyone help? I will try anything.

18yearsoftrying Thu 23-Jul-15 13:19:56

As I type, I am in exactly the same situation....the guy is within 2 metres of me sad

I'm sitting telling myself he is an ex for a reason, he is an ex for a reason, he is an ex for a reason....

Well, actually a million lies that he would still deny now even with photographic evidence to prove it.....that's how I'm doing it right now.

I'm not sure what your situ was but I do tell myself (almost every minuteblush) that I was always his Plan B. That makes me angry & is still raw - mixed blessing.

I'm sure others will come along withn better advice shortly xx

Flangeshrub Thu 23-Jul-15 14:02:45

Try being married to someone who has had an affair and left you with whom you have 3 young children. You have to speak to them and see them almost daily (we have joint custody).
The pain doesn't diminish and I can't see 7 months on how it's going to.

LovelyFriend Thu 23-Jul-15 14:30:21

The thing that worked for me was detachment. Once you detach then you are free and they really pretty much don'tn occupy your head space any more.. They still might piss you off form time to time (I'm talking about DC's dad) but since I detached almost magically one day, he doesn't fill my head anymore.

Now you've just got to research how to detach.

For me it was a "penny drop" "kerplunk" moment standing in a kitchen when EVERYTHING changed. I think in that moment I stopped bull shitting to myself and actually SAW the reality and felt the reality. I've never looked back from that moment,. It was a long time coming though.

You can consciously learn to detach - yoga/meditation may be useful:
articles.chopra.com/2010/06/18/how-to-let-go-affirmations-for-practicing-the-law-of-detachment/

Rockluvvindad Thu 23-Jul-15 14:31:07

OP and 18years,

I am in the same situation... Three months on since we split and I see her every day. Even hearing her laugh ( it's very distinctive ) hurts.

Honestly, the only advice I would give is for you both to realise it takes time. It might be a short time, or it might be a long time. Only you get to decide how long is long enough to grieve over a lost relationship. Don't be hard on yourself, and just let yourself go through the stages. Realise it will be hard, realise there will be times when you want to run out of the office. I've found it really hard being so close, but luckily my job allows me to work from different locations pretty often so I take advantage of that.

I've reached the point where I'm just angry at how I was treated ( not saying I was innocent... I really to this day don't understand fully why she chose to end things ). She totally cut me off which left me feeling somewhat confused. That's now progressed. I know that once I stop feeling angry, I'll be over it. Hard when it was actually the best relationship I ever had.

Keep interaction on a purely professional basis. You don't have to be friends so don't think you do. So long as you don't let it affect work you'll avoid the biggest problem.

RLD

LovelyFriend Thu 23-Jul-15 14:35:52

"I want to stop lying awake fretting about what I did wrong" - you may have done nothing wrong, why do YOU have to have done anything wrong? ;

"why he's treated me like this" - who knows, perhaps he's an arsehole? But accept you will probably never know. Even if HE knew, the chances of him be honest and meaningful with you about what is going on with him is minuscule, and it may well be some petty, indifferent reason that won't make sense to you anyway;

"whether I'll see him at work" - you probably will;

"what I should do, how I should react" - be cool, neutral, indifferent, detached.

Optimist1 Thu 23-Jul-15 14:46:33

The affirmations LovelyFriend linked to above look useful to me, and the general tone of the article that contains them is calming. In any case, this seems to be a situation where "Fake it till you make it" comes into play. If you can be unaffected by turmoil next time you see him your confidence will be buoyed up a bit for the time after that, and so on. flowers

InTheBox Thu 23-Jul-15 15:05:29

OP, I won't refer to you by your NN as you are most definitely not.

Part of the hurt stems from the continuous loop that goes on in our minds. Why did he do that, what is he thinking, what if I'd done or said xyz, was he ever genuine, will I ever understand, will I ever move on and let go?

It will subside with time as you continue to become more detached. But detaching requires you to be an active participant. As such if you see him at work you should be nonchalant and blasé. I'm very much an advocate for fake it till you make it. Because if you continue to let yourself be overwhelmed and dwell on these feelings you'll never move forward. I think that it's often easier to keep dwelling on things than to take a stand and move forward. So you're going to need to be tough on yourself. Even if inside you feel your heart is breaking piece by piece and shattering, on the outside make yourself look like you're ruler of the world.

It takes practice and by no means push yourself any further than you can manage at any given moment. Give yourself time to dwell then break the spell and distract yourself. Distract, distract distract! So if at night that means going to sleep with some sort of background noise do so. If you find yourself at home alone and he pops into your mind tell that thought out loud to 'fuck off to the far side of fuck.'

One last thing, you'll never truly know or understand why he treated you like this. We are complex beings and no answer would assuage your emotional turmoil nor would it change what has happened.

Consider this a resilience-building exercise, you've already moved on from one twat so it's in you to do it again.

trackrBird Thu 23-Jul-15 19:48:20

He treated me so badly and I don't understand why or what I did wrong, and I'm struggling to get over it

Something you have to consider first: if you're baffled about why someone treated you badly, or what you did wrong, then you can be fairly sure you did nothing wrong - and that they treated you badly because that's just what they do.

So try not to rack your brains wondering how you could have behaved differently or created a different outcome. It's very likely you couldn't have changed anything.

As for dealing with him, my first suggestion is to fake indifference. Act your socks off, because chances are you'll feel very upset: as the others say, your job is to fake it till you make it.

Secondly, picture your ex doing something really silly. Like putting both legs in one trouser leg and falling over. Hopefully it will make you smile, and diminish his ability to affect you at the same time.

Thirdly. This is a little strange, but picture a Perspex screen coming up between you, or something else that feels protective for you. You can still see him and interact if necessary, but this visual image might help to dull any intensity you feel.

These ideas might or might not appeal to you, but the key is for you to take charge of your feelings, and not just react to the situation.

Purpleball Thu 23-Jul-15 19:54:57

Aloof indifferent ice queen is who you need to be. Fake it til you make it. Be disinterested, don't engage. Ignore as much as poss. Don't have non work conversations. It will be come habit and much easier.

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