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Husband thinks I'm an idiot

(17 Posts)
candace80 Thu 23-Jul-15 10:44:22

I am a mother to a 3 month old baby. Recently, I found out that my husband has been frequenting escorts and sex clubs. It sounds unbelievable but sadly true.

I have always had trust issues with him, as he feels he doesn't need to tell me where he goes, yet keeps constant tabs on me. This has always been a sore point with us, but I decided to trust him. Especially as we have now had our first child together and he is usually a wonderful husband and father, that I would have no worries.

Anyway, I did the dreaded relationship killer move...I checked his phone. I found msgs from a friend of his, who I have never met, talking about how they had a great time at a club they went to. I searched the name online and found it to be a sex club. This was so shocking to me and my immediate reaction was to confront him, however after thinking LONG AND HARD about everything, I tried to look at the bigger picture. I naively thought that just because he had gone along to this club with his friend, it didn't mean that he actually partook in anything. I have no proof. Secondly, I looked at his phone. I would never have known otherwise.

My main priority however is our child. Although I am disgusted of the thought of what he's getting up to, so soon after the birth of our child, I thought that although I would love to leave my husband, now that I have a child, I have to think about them and I really don't want my child to come from a broken family. So I kept silent...I didn't say anything and my husband is none the wiser.

However, last week he mentioned that he needed to go out. I became suspicious as he was shady on the details. Prior to this, he bought me a gift for no reason except that I'd been a 'great mother and wife'. It seems so cliched now. Anyway, once he returned I went through his phone again and found a text giving him an address. I made a note of the phone number and typed it into Google and found that it was an escort service. I felt sick to my stomach and this time it was really difficult for me to hide my disgust. I immediately became cold with him.

He suspected something was wrong and kept asking if I was ok, to which i responded 'yes' despite wanting to punch him in his face.

He then became withdrawn and moody, that i was in a bad mood! What a bloody cheek! I later looked through his phone and saw that he had deleted the text message. So either he suspected I went through his phone or he just thought it best to erase all evidence.

I gave him the gift back, as I now knew it was purely down to guilt. I didn't make a scene, just that it was not necessary to give me a gift for no real reason. He seemed surprised but accepted my decision.

I FEEL TOTALLY LOST!

I want to leave him. I want out. I work and earn a decent salary, but am on maternity leave, so I am not financially dependent on him. But all i can think about is our child. I desperately dont want to affect his life.

I hate myself because if it was a friend or anyone else, I would be telling them to leave. But now i'm in this position, i see that it's not so easy. I am totally gutted that he's done this, so soon after the most wonderful thing in our lives happened to us.

I don't understand, as my sex drive has always been higher than my husbands! But now I'm questioning everything. I have been nothing but a good understanding wife to him and a great mother to our child, who I love more than anything. He has always loved that I don't nag him or stress him out, so why is he doing this?!

He's still a nice person, which is why this is hard. I know for a fact, not a single person would believe me if I told them. I am keeping this all to myself because I can't talk to anyone, even my best friend. I feel humiliated and know that my friends would tell me to leave him.

He thinks I'm an idiot...I'M NOT! I want him to know what I know, but he will somehow make out I am ruining the family by being nosey and looking through his phone.

I hate him but i have to pretend to carry on.

This is killing me inside but hopefully it will make me stronger. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right??

Sorry for the length of this...writing this has been therapeutic for me.

Thanks. C x

HPsauciness Thu 23-Jul-15 10:48:50

My honest opinion is that you can't actually form a stable long-term relationship with this utterly awful man anyway (using escorts, going to sex clubs when he has a tiny baby? awful awful). So- the better thing to do would be to separate now, while your baby is tiny and not seeing the things that go on when parents separate later. He can still be a dad, just not one married to you and putting you at risk of all kinds of diseases/being unfaithful/using prostitutes.

Can you talk with your family?

I would kick him out. It is not worth trying to build a perfect family with a man like this, it is doomed to failure as he doesn't actually want to, he wants to keep up his secret life and you to just produce children. It will be so much less disruptive now than to wait til your child is older and more aware, or even worse, a teenager who finds out what their dad is up to.

HoldenCaulfield80 Thu 23-Jul-15 10:54:41

OP this is just awful. I understand what you're saying about money and being on may leave - is there any way your family can help? I agree with PP - the sooner you can leave the better. He's a nobber of the first order to do this to you at all, never mind with a little baby thanks

candace80 Thu 23-Jul-15 10:56:36

Thank you so much for your opinion. I really appreciate it.

I feel sick that despite having friends and lots of family support, I have to turn to advice from here as I am too humiliated to tell my family or friends. I can't talk to anyone, as they would all tell me to leave him and although I want to, I am really scared.

I know I could be a single mother, I do everything myself anyway. But I'm sad to have to put my child through that.

You are right though, it's better I do this earlier rather than later.

I don't even think counselling would help, as he would never talk to anyone about this. He would absolutely deny this point blank and cover all his tracks. I don't have any evidence and I'm scared that if it came out, he would accuse me of having no proof.

His friend will stick by him, as I don't even know him! And an escort is unlikely to talk.

Thank you, it's been great getting your opinion. I hope I can get the strength to leave.

Carrie5608 Thu 23-Jul-15 11:04:34

Candace make sure you are safe. Cover your tracks on here and please trust in one RL friend. Plan an escape route of you need one.

I was in court recently with a friend their were six Women's Aid supported women there. A lot of the stories started like yours.

Guys who are used to having their cake and eating it don't react well to losing it. brewcakeflowers

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Sweetsecret Thu 23-Jul-15 11:06:56

OP, confide in your best friend you need some RL support in all of this.
It will make you feel better and gain some perspective, you have nothing to be embarrassed about this is his shame not yours.
I kept my H leaving to myself for so long because I was embarrassed and I felt shame.
But he was the one who walked out on his family not me and telling my friends was the best thing I did.
They were amazing and really rallied round.
I am so sorry this has happened to you, I was worried about the whole "broken family" title, but he broke it not you and you can be a family with your DS, I can't tell you it is easy as it isn't, it is lonely. but I tell you what I would rather be lonely than being played for a fool which you are not.
thanks

FantasticButtocks Thu 23-Jul-15 11:20:19

You won't be 'putting your son through' anything OP, he is three months old. If you stay with a man like this then you will be putting your son through an awful lot more; a dishonest, unhappy relationship and probably eventually a nasty break-up. sad

Isetan Thu 23-Jul-15 11:34:23

If you stay with a man like this then you will be putting your son through an awful lot more; a dishonest, unhappy relationship and probably eventually a nasty break-up.

This

You need RL support.

DeanParrish Thu 23-Jul-15 11:47:29

Hi OP. I'm so sorry that your baby's welcome to the world has been marred by your H's sexual incontinence.
You don't need to prove anything. You know.
My view is that living with a man like this will spoil your child's right to a loving family life. I think it's better a child grows up in a loving environment with just one parent than in a sour and resentful one with two.

Jan45 Thu 23-Jul-15 12:15:57

Get planning and get rid, you don't need scum like this in your life or your son's, he will end up leaving you anyway as he has zero respect for you, the marriage and well women in general, don't stay and keep his dirty secret, you are not doing anyone any favours, just living a lie.

Sorry this has happened to you, get your ducks in order, life is for living, not surviving or tolerating an absolute vile man, you don't need him for anything.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 23-Jul-15 12:22:12

I am too humiliated to tell my family or friends
This sort of comment, from a wronged party, never ceases to amaze me.
What are YOU humiliated about?
This is not YOUR humiliation. It's his - ALL HIS!
Don't carry all of this around on your shoulders.
Don't keep his dirty secret for him.
Talk to someone about this. You need some RL support so go and get it.
Do NOT feel guilty for 'outing' him and his disgusting ways.
Do NOT stop yourself getting the support you need because of his sordid ways.
This is NOT you - it's HIM.

This must be just awful, please get some support.

etKrusTe Thu 23-Jul-15 12:32:52

You have to lose the conservative notion that a family without a father is ''broken''.

I can't really advise on the cheating aspect as my x (and children's father) was controlling not unfaithful. But honestly my family was broken when I was with him and I fixed it by leaving him.

It's a lot to take on board. But don't sweep it under the carpet. Face it head on. Tell people. Take any support that's offered, and realise that the period of adjustment is what's hard. Your whole future won't be hard, or ''broken''. Honestly, change is hard. Adjustment is what's hard. there is absolutely no reason why you and your child won't be happy.

If you sweep this under the carpet and feel like a doormat, accepting this shit though, I can guarantee you your self-esteem will be in the gutter before too long.

AyeAmarok Thu 23-Jul-15 13:30:52

He would absolutely deny this point blank and cover all his tracks. I don't have any evidence and I'm scared that if it came out, he would accuse me of having no proof.

Don't get into a discussion about it. Not at all. You know what you know.

Just tell him you know exactly what he has done, you will never forgive him, and the relationship is over. If he lies and denies tell him he's only letting himself down further trying to lie about it when you already know, and don't insult you further. Then make him go.

thegreysheep Thu 23-Jul-15 13:51:12

OP if you stay with this guy your baby will be living IN a broken home. With a mother on edge the whole time.

Also, he is NOT a wonderful husband and father, and you didn't break the relationship by looking at his phone - he and he alone broke the relationship through his antics.

As others said, get some RL support and start planning, you poor thing this is the last thing you need right now, he probably thought that as you are at home with a baby he has you where he wants you and can do what he likes.

Hissy Thu 23-Jul-15 13:51:15

Agreed, you need NO proof at all - you know what you know, that is good enough. In fact deliberately don't elaborate on what you know, cos the not knowing what he has and has not got away with will torture him grin

say word for word what AyeAmarok said.

Sadly, you are going to have to get yourself STD tested. He can go fuck himself, but you need to look after your own health.

Agree too that the humiliation is not yours, and getting your child away from a man like him will only help the DC. If your child is a girl, you don't want her learning his values/image or women, if he is a boy, ditto.

You can do this and actually have to. life won't ever get any better with this vile man in your life, leave him and you can start life over again.

thegreysheep Thu 23-Jul-15 13:51:45

OP if you stay with this guy your baby will be living IN a broken home. With a mother on edge the whole time.

Also, he is NOT a wonderful husband and father, and you didn't break the relationship by looking at his phone - he and he alone broke the relationship through his antics.

As others said, get some RL support and start planning, you poor thing this is the last thing you need right now, he probably thought that as you are at home with a baby he has you where he wants you and can do what he likes.

badtime Thu 23-Jul-15 15:03:34

If you leave now, your child's life will not be disrupted at all. You can make a clean break before your child has any real awareness of what is going on.

Your husband will keep on doing this sort of thing, and will (if you have any self-respect left after a few years of this) end up leaving him anyway, so it would be so much better to do it now.

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