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Need some hand holding! Engulfing is DM with DS in hospital.

(9 Posts)
BravoPolly Thu 23-Jul-15 08:29:00

I'm tearing my hair out, need someone rational to talk to, but someone who understands as DH and my DSis just think I'm an ungrateful bitch.

DS1 is very poorly, he has gastroenteritis and got badly dehydrated. Took him to A&E last night. Asked stepdad for a lift as I can't carry DS by myself and DS wanted me, not DH to go with him.

Of course DM came with us. While we were there she completely took over, assuming the parental role and talking for me and over me at every opportunity. Also making a massive smothering fuss over DS, trying to make him wear her cardi and generally infantilising him and me. Gritted my teeth as it was a necessary evil.

DS was admitted and they wouldn't let me bring my breastfed baby with me onto the ward, which I thought they probably wouldn't. Begged DH to come and stay the night with him but as he already left work early so I could take DS to the hospital, he had to make up the time this morning.

There was no other solution other than DM staying overnight with DS. I was hoping he would be out of hospital this morning but he was sick again in the night and is now on a drip so I expect he won't be out until much later if at all today. I'm stuck at home with DS2 and 3 and can't get there.

I'm really suffering at the moment from depression brought about by the realisation that DM is an engulfing narc. I have been as low contact as is humanly possible and doing much better, but this is HELL. My insides are twisting up at the thought of her being there and fussing over him, infantilising him. When I had tummy bugs as a kid she used to fuss so bloody much and worry me that me and my sisters all developed emetophobia and had years of panic attacks.

I know this is nothing. It's only one day. And DM has taken a day off work and been amazingly helpful and kind and stepped up to the plate when I needed her. I tried to talk to DH and DSis (who understands but is very much the Golden Child and who sees DM's behaviour as a well intentioned mild annoyance) but they both think I'm just being an ungrateful bitch. I know there are people who would love this kind of help but it's making my skin crawl!

Arrrrrgh! Please help me to be rational!

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Thu 23-Jul-15 08:51:14

Grit your teeth and plan her future torment. These can be imaginary (I've always found the lobster trick soothing) or you can prepare honeyed ridicule.

Or poo in her handbag.

WicksEnd Thu 23-Jul-15 08:56:20

The bottom line is, on this occasion, you need her there. Neither you nor your DH can be there, for genuine reasons.
Grit your teeth and accept while it's not ideal, you don't have an option.
Hope he's better soon.

Skiptonlass Thu 23-Jul-15 08:56:31

Sounds very difficult - you are balancing the needs of two children and can't meet both - that's massively stressful in itself.

Add to that a difficult dm, and things that are taking you back to childhood and I'm not surprised you feel awful.

I think this once, there's not much you can do. you're between a rock and a hard place on this one. What's important is that he's being looked after - one episode of smothering isn't going to do much damage so I think you need to take this one on the chin and then think carefully about how to manage future episodes like this. It's the repeated behaviour that does the damage

RealityCheque Thu 23-Jul-15 08:58:45

"she completely took over, assuming the parental role and talking for me and over me at every opportunity"
Wow. You allowed this?

"I'm stuck at home with DS2 and 3 and can't get there"
Can you not get a taxi?

Optimist1 Thu 23-Jul-15 08:59:48

I do see what you mean, Polly, but the fact is that your little boy has a familiar face with him whilst he's in hospital, which presumably is better than him being without anyone. So take a deep breath and look forward to the time when he's home with you again and you can keep your mother at arm's length (having thanked her warmly if insincerely for taking the day off work and stepping into the breach).

I'm intrigued about the lobster trick, Disgrace - more info please!

LIZS Thu 23-Jul-15 09:02:26

Can dh not take time off to enable you to go up. Could you express so someone else could feed ds3.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 23-Jul-15 09:03:06

I realise if your DM is the smothering intense sort you will feel frustrated but for now she's helping you out. Hopefully he'll be home soon and in the meantime will have a familiar face to see amid the staff in unfamiliar surroundings, he might be napping a lot. You say yourself they wouldn't allow you to take your youngest onto the ward. You wish you could be in two places at once, that's natural.

I hope your little boy is back soon, phone the ward for updates, DH may be able to get over to the hospital today? For the moment if she's - I hate saying this - somehow revelling at being in the centre of the action, it should be short-lived.

Later when DS is home will be the time to start thinking about the whole 'Mum seizing the initiative' issue.

Hassled Thu 23-Jul-15 09:06:06

One night/day of her "smothering" is not the same as the childhood you went through - I think you might be in danger of catastrophising (if that's a word) here. She won't be handling your DS etc the way you would have done, but it's only one day and there will be no lasting damage. Relax. Hope he gets well soon.

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