Concerned about DP's lack of social skills

[Moominmamma86]

My partner is a very kind, sweet man. I knew when I met him he was a bit unusual but we connected really well and despite the odd bump we're here several years later with a child, but I'm both concerned and frustrated by his lack of ability in social situations, whether it's with my family or friends or people we've just met, a lot of the time he just can't cope. He'll say odd things, his body language is unfriendly, he doesn't smile or do "small talk"/ ask questions. At times it can be so embarrassing and I worry we'll never have friends as a couple because I'll always be worried about introducing him, or they'll just think he's weird.
I've thought on occasion that he may even have undiagnosed aspergers syndrome but that's probably not it. He's definitely a bit different though! And I know he can't really help it but it gets me down, I feel so tense whenever we have to do anything socially and part of me thinks he needs to just make the effort to learn a few social skills instead of ducking out the way he always has. I don't want my friends and family thinking he's not worth getting to know!
Has anyone else been in this situation and is there anything I can do? Do I just need to learn to be ok with it?

[Moominmamma86]

I should say, I think at times he comes across as pretty rude as well and possibly makes people feel uncomfortable, not just me if you see what I mean.

[ancientbuchanan]

Going to pm you.

[DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel]

Sounds like my DH there.

I dont bother with him and just dont bother with socialising together. Id rather we did, but I dont know what else to do. I socialise myself and leave him with the DCs. I often see and hear about other couples doing things together in groups and wish DH would want to do that, but he just doesn't.

Sorry Im not much help, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only person in this position.

[crustsaway]

Im not being mean here but you took him on as is didnt you.

This is several years later so I don't understand why you've just cottoned on?

[Moominmamma86]

I haven't just cottoned on, it's always worried me.

[newnamesamegame]

Is he making an effort and a bit awkward or is he actually not bothering or actively hostile with people?

If its the former I think generally people will realise that social stuff isn't his forte and cut him a bit of slack. If the latter I think you need to take a long hard look at your future. Give and take with someone's friends and family is part of the deal. Not all the time, but you do need to be able to show willing.

[crustsaway]

Then why did you progress and have a child with him then if its always bothered you? very strange.

[Squeegle]

crustsaway, did you mean to be so rude? I have seen you on several threads, you may help people more if you work at empathy rather than outright aggression

[crustsaway]

Most people don't change, did you think he would?

[crustsaway]

Im not at all aggressive thank you squeegle. Im honest and asking why a person would think someone would change. I don't beat about the bush and post accordingly. I am not rude.

[Moominmamma86]

Oh for goodness sake, crustsaway if you've just come on here to be judgemental then please go away. People do things for sometimes complex reasons! Is that a struggle for you to understand? Very strange.
I didn't ask you to criticise my choices, just for some friendly advice.

[saintlyjimjams]

Socialise without him.

Does he have his own friends or only your/couple friends. If he has his own friends socialise with them as a couple & yours alone.

Or socialise in places like the cinema. Does he just hate certain types of gathering? If so bin those & try others!

[Moominmamma86]

Btw "I don't beat about the bush" is a classic way of justifying rudeness and lack of compassion. Can I take a wild guess that you don't suffer fools gladly either?

[Moominmamma86]

Thanks for the advice and kind replies from others of you btw . Focusing on the wrong things here!

[Squeegle]

Obviously crusty, your own perception of how rude you are may not be shared universally.

Hint: if someone asks for support don't go in at them going "didn't you think of this before?". It is about as helpful as someone saying "I told you so".

[crustsaway]

Im not being judgemental Im asking a very valid question. Im asking whether you thought he would change. Im thinking you just dont want to be with him anymore. Thats ok too. Be honest.

[Squeegle]

Fwiw OP, I think it's worth you taking the advice of the others. If he doesn't want to socialise don't make him. Does he have his own friends?

[crustsaway]

It goes like this...

I met my partner a while ago, he was socially awkward.

He hasn't changed but I no longer really want to deal with this.

Now that's honest.

[Moominmamma86]

He does have some friends, he tends to be a bit of a loner but colleagues at work who get to know him over time do like him and he socialises a bit - just not often with me as I'm usually looking after ds those evenings. I think certain people warm to him, but people who are more conventional do not. And in any group setting if he doesn't know everyone really well he'll tend to be pretty unfriendly.

[CatsandCrumble]

I would say that you do need to keep socialising with him. Otherwise he may just get more awkward and you will lead separate lives. Lots of people are socially awkward for various reasons, I'm sure if you like him then others will too.

Can you gently but clearly point out to him some things he does which appear rude? Just so that he is a bit more aware to try to avoid them?

[Moominmamma86]

It goes nothing like that actually crustsaway, thanks.
I think I'll leave you to it.

[Moominmamma86]

I have tried to point things out in a nice way, it's hard to do that without making him even less confident though.

[crustsaway]

You carry on then OP.

You either find a way to cope with what you have or you decide to get out.

Im not judging Im just stating the obvious.

[Cabrinha]

I understand your worry about him meeting people who are new to you.
But why your friends and family?
You knew he was odd when you met him, but you saw good through that. Why wouldn't they? Especially as they'll start out wanting to like him, because they're your friends, your family. Won't they also accept how he is?
Can't you explain, at least to your closest?

I dated a guy who was very uncomfortable socially. It didn't work out, and honestly that was part of it - when one person is all "let's have a BBQ" and the other is all "let's not", it's not a good match. But my friends all thought he was OK - they wee sympathetic about his obvious discomfort.

Does you boyfriend want to socialise but doesn't do it well, or want to avoid it?

If the former, I'd just run with it, among friends you already trust.