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Break up weeks after miscarriage

(12 Posts)
Billi77 Wed 22-Jul-15 22:09:04

My partner (a woman) and I have been together for nearly 9 years. Sex has admittedly dried up in the past 5.
I had an ERPC after no heartbeat a month ago. We had planned the pregnancy together for years and did it at home using a friend's kindly donated sperm. She is a touring musician currently working with a pop act and away a lot. None of the new friends on tour knew about pregnancy, know about miscarriage. Straight after ERPC she took off to Glastonbury while I took off to italy to be with family for a wedding, still bleeding.
On my return she was acting cruel and distant. When I raised it via email her reply was that she didn't want the baby, I should have it and how sorry she was. My entire world collapsed and is still collapsing.
She has moved out, although staying here tonight, and will be doing more music away over summer. I am going away too. Tried couples therapy yesterday but it is a weekly commitment so we can't do anything until early September as she is away for August. The therapist and her mostly wanted to discuss lack of sex, which is extremely valid although I can't think beyond the current pain. I have a month and a bit ahead with so much to process and plan.
Donor still up for trying again and being adorably supportive. I am too. Is this wise? Any single parents out there who can offer support? Am so lost but the only thing guiding me is thoughts of the baby. I am 38 so keen to get cracking. And Dr said to do within 4 months to add pressure.
Has anyone else broken up post miscarriage? I've heard it's common. Any help or advice so gratefully received.

Sweetsecret Wed 22-Jul-15 22:24:15

Hi, I had a MC a few years ago before I had my 2 DC. And I don't think my marriage ever recovered from it. He recently left me.
I am now a single mother to 2 DC'S, and my god it is hard work, it's sad not having someone to share those special moments with, like DD learned to ride a bike without her stabilisers the other day and I don't have that other person to be proud of her with, if that makes sense?
If you want to go ahead and go it alone, then I am sure you could do it.
But I wouldn't rush into anything as you may meet someone who you want to go through it all with again and you can enjoy it together.
It's not something I would've knowingly gone into alone as it is so damn hard.

Sweetsecret Wed 22-Jul-15 22:33:33

sorry posted too soon then one of the kids got up.grrr.
anyway, I may just feel like this because I am not used to doing it alone.
if you do it from the beginning it may be different. It is hard work, but I have found me and my DC are like a little team now and we have wonderful times together. it is just a little lonely sometimes.

Billi77 Wed 22-Jul-15 22:39:29

Thanks for reply. Trouble is I still love her, she still loves me. Add to that the fact that I am 38, don't want to end up pressuring future potential partners to have kids. Have seen this cause harm. I don't see my having a child as an impediment to future relationships.
I just think we have dealt with this in such horribly different ways. Me by allowing the sadness and planning next Insemination, she by running away to a place where it doesn't exist.

Sweetsecret Wed 22-Jul-15 22:56:42

Yes, sounds very similar to me and ex except he didn't physically run away he just checked out, it was his way of dealing with it and I was devastated and wanted to start trying again but it took me about 5 months to go ahead.
She may just be feeling it all too much right now and needs time.
How do you feel about it all?
Are you wanting to try and work things out with her? or are you ready to move forward and do this alone?
sorry for all the questions.

Billi77 Wed 22-Jul-15 23:21:19

Am ready to go alone to be honest. Scared I will wait around, be talked out of having a child and then resent her forever, if we stay together or simply not be able to. I guess she has to work stuff out in her own time, away from me. Did you go it alone?

Billi77 Wed 22-Jul-15 23:23:32

As in how did you conceive and is he completely out of your and DCs lives? I suppose the "luxury" of having a donor is not having to wait painfully for male partner to come round...

Sweetsecret Fri 24-Jul-15 10:48:47

Hi, he isn't totally out of their lives he sees them at the weekend, but I am alone totally during the week, so all school runs the day to day stuff is down to me.
It is annoying sometimes as he gets to do all the fun park days out stuff where I have the main care and all that goes with it.
I think yes, that is a good point about not having to wait around for the dad to turn up to visits etc, with a donor and you going it alone you will call the shots 100%, which will have its ups and downs.
do you have a good support network around you?
I don't really, any family are hundreds of miles away and friends have their own children, which basically means I never get out, my kids go everywhere with me can't remember the last time I had a night out.
These are all things to consider.
Obviously you could go down the paid babysitter route etc.smile

Billi77 Sun 26-Jul-15 12:55:49

Luckily I live in London and am from here so have a very big support network all of whom are encouraging me to go ahead. And my donor is also a friend and keen to help out, which I am considering having ruled it out before.
Still have a weird feeling we are going to get back together as so much love there.

fuddle Sun 26-Jul-15 21:31:28

I would try for another baby. It maybe hard on your own, but don't miss out on this. If things don't work out relationship wise it will do eventually.

Sweetsecret Sun 26-Jul-15 23:37:23

You sound like you have a good group of people around you, which will be important.
If this is what you want, do it.
I do hope you and your ex work things out, but if you don't you will know you haven't put your life in hold.
Even though I am in a constant state of exhaustion it's great being a mummy, even though I am alone.
I wouldn't change my two for the world. Good luck!smile

Billi77 Wed 29-Jul-15 13:48:31

Thanks you two. So very appreciated

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