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again !!!!

(59 Posts)
shaniatwain Wed 22-Jul-15 21:16:37

I've been seeing a man for ten weeks now. He was the one who chased me think presents , meals etc load of compliments .. All goi g well he met my daughter who is five.. All good no problems but he has a daughter and a son that he didn't introduce me too.. I didn't push it as he only see s then every second weekend ...this in itself not an issue but he didn't want to see me this evening said he was too tired .. Fine then I said what about the weekend? Fri and guess what he had plans maybe .. Just feel that he is pulling away . I am right aren't i ...

pocketsaviour Wed 22-Jul-15 21:18:51

TBH I wouldn't introduce a potential partner to young DC for at least 6 months. Maybe he thinks things are going too fast?

shaniatwain Wed 22-Jul-15 21:25:53

Maybe ? But he has never said that ..

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Wed 22-Jul-15 21:32:26

From your post it's not possible to say if he's "pulling away" or not but it certainly sounds like you're a bit too emotionally invested in someone you've known a matter of weeks.

Scissor Wed 22-Jul-15 21:38:52

6 months is standard advice on here, gives you enough time to know whether you really see the relationship as a goer as their best behaviour will have had time to lose the polish and you may decide it's not a great fit for your family.

Being quite cautious I have done one wait 6 months that lasted 3 years, then I waited a year with the next..I try them out first then my kids find out the rest when I think they may be good enough!!!

In your shoes I would be very busy this weekend with your amazing daughter...far too busy to even notice that he hasn't realised how wonderful you are...

And after your very busy weekend you might not ever bother asking him again if he has plans, because you will be far too busy with your own. (Because you are so lovely and have so many fabulous things to do Netflix and the vice of your choice )

Go slow, you are choosing him as much as the other way around!!

Cabrinha Wed 22-Jul-15 21:43:09

Did you buy him presents?

shaniatwain Wed 22-Jul-15 21:53:39

No I did not buy him presents !! I was bloody cautious the whole way along.. He did all of the wooing as I'm so jaded with the saying world !! This is why I am suprised but he's have told him I'm suddenly v just this weekend .. Of course I am not ! But no way is he dumping me !!

Cabrinha Wed 22-Jul-15 22:28:58

I think there are some words missing (autocorrect?!) I don't understand what is suddenly v just this weekend?

I'd suggest anyway that you stop people buying you presents when they start early on. In my experience, that's the lazy man's way. Unless they were properly thoughtful presents, I think presents are a mask for lack of effort. Looks good but too easy and hollow. Look for real effort. If you refuse presents, it flushes out the ones who have more imagination / make more effort.

Scissor Wed 22-Jul-15 22:34:52

Of course he's not dumping you...you will be far too busy to notice what he's doing or where he is.

Cautious does also include seeing that over professing love etc in first few weeks is unsustainable..my advice is genuinely given after marrying a man who proposed in first 20 mins of knowing me, daily gifts, public statements of love and general other craziness, so I truly know I'm no great judge of character..

Time is the only thing that starts showing what is happening.

FWIW my ex fell in love with many of my successors very rapidly and introduced my children to each and every one of them, wasn't great for anybody concerned.

crustsaway Wed 22-Jul-15 22:39:42

I'd say he's backing off to be honest. Things are going a bit backward not forward.

Stop asking when you will see him. Pull back yourself and see what happens.

Threefishys Wed 22-Jul-15 22:41:19

Ten weeks? And you've brought him into your daughters life. That's not good OP .

shaniatwain Wed 22-Jul-15 22:42:56

Yes I have pulled right back from it all.. Told him I am busy for a while ...
If he is bothered he can let me know .. If not well hey ho

shaniatwain Wed 22-Jul-15 22:43:58

Yes I know ! Too early .. Feel stupid ! But more than that I am angry with him !

crustsaway Wed 22-Jul-15 22:49:27

Why be angry with him? He's doing what most men do, cowards so they are grin and dont feel stupid either, you arent at all.

As for being too early to introduce. What a load of crap. Im a single responsible parent and you can have male and female friends around, no big deal. Six months is half a year and ridiculous.

crustsaway Wed 22-Jul-15 22:51:54

A different bloke every few weeks is a different matter entirely.

shaniatwain Wed 22-Jul-15 23:01:21

Thanks crustaway :-) you ve madee feel a little better x

broadbeanstew Wed 22-Jul-15 23:42:56

Another one saying don't feel bad about introducing him to your daughter. It's one of those things, sometimes it happens naturally early on. I split with someone last year and felt terribly guilty about having introduced him to the DC after a couple of months, but in hindsight it really wasn't a big deal to them. They just saw him as one of my friends, someone who joined us on days out or popped round for tea occasionally and played games with them.

With my most recent ex I decided not to introduce him too soon, I told myself I didn't want them meeting a 'string' of men... But I think it did make things difficult, it meant we could only see each other every other weekend, and we only saw each other in a little bubble of just the two of us, it felt very separate from my real life, which wasn't good. But then we split up, I guess if it had been the right relationship that wouldn't have mattered... So I don't know.

But don't feel guilty, even if does end, your DD won't be affected by losing out on someone she has only known a few weeks! But I do agree be cautious of men who come on too strong too quickly.

crustsaway Wed 22-Jul-15 23:55:34

My son is nearly 18 and a healthy happy teen. Ive asked him about my various relationships along the way and he doesnt really care. Any man that came into my life along the way was always kind and nice to him. No big deal. Its how their mums act that counts.

BromleyGal Thu 23-Jul-15 00:00:17

Listen to your gut - sadly it's probably right.

Sadly, there is little, if anything, that you can do to change how he feels or behaves. What you can do though is make sure that you are quite ok whether he's in your life or not.

Scissor Thu 23-Jul-15 00:00:20

Crustsaway, ..most men are cowards?? waiting 6 months " a load of crap"

Makes no sense why would you put your kids through meeting a coward when a few more weeks of you assessing and judging the quality of your relationship would save all the complications of explaining where these cowards are vanishing to.

Tons of research out there, interestingly mostly aimed at men when you first google, on when to first introduce.

That does not mean at all that you don't have potential new person at the periphery of group events etc as new "friend"... but not introduced as partner, at home staying with child around etc for a reasonable length of time.

They need to prove they are adult enough to accept you as responsible for your children first. If they are cowards then I would want to be sure they had been no where near knowing my children.. and I completely disagree with you that most men are cowards.

Threefishys Thu 23-Jul-15 00:03:31

I was thinking the same. Why is he a coward?

shaniatwain Thu 23-Jul-15 08:24:00

No he isn't a coward. He has now texted saying changing tactic all hearts again..
But something isn't right here... It's too sex based and not meeting his children is ringing loud bells !!!
So bugger this ! Need to look after myself first... Will just keep quiet and see what happens next. I'm no body's second choice or botty call.. All or nothing girl here !

Cabrinha Thu 23-Jul-15 08:30:25

It's been 10 weeks. Not meeting his kids doesn't ring any bells at all.
I'm personally not someone who is against quick meetings.
But you absolutely should not judge him for not introducing you, after WEEKS, especially when he only has then every other weekend. So only 5 opportunities to introduce them anyway! He's got limited time with them - he shouldn't be sharing their time with him, with you.

But that aside - if your gut says he's wrong for you, great - move on.

Your post has mixed messages though. So can he bugger off, you're not his booty call? Or are you going to stay quiet and see what he does? Why not just text and say you're not feeling it's working out for you, goodbye and good luck?

shaniatwain Thu 23-Jul-15 08:45:00

My gut is saying he isn't fully committed to me��.. No deep talks about his feelings and the future. I know its early days but we are both in our forties ! So really we should know what we want.
I guess I don't want to be the one to get dumped and rather I was the one doing that... Childish maybe but have been hurt in the past.
Just annoyed with myself for rushing in... And appearing needy when really I don't even know him that well. So by going quiet I mean I'm just going to be busy and not available ... If he is really really interested he will let me know right ?

shaniatwain Thu 23-Jul-15 08:46:18

Also I wasnt asking to share his time with them.. I just wanted to be introduced even for a few hours as it shows he is/was equally serious about me....

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