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Can I give a bit of hope to anyone?

(26 Posts)
cutekoala Wed 22-Jul-15 19:54:29

I have lurked and posted on relationships for years.

My relationship was not physically abusive but just unhappy for years.

I have moved back to the UK after 25 years abroad and so absolutely no support system at all and have been so scared to leave the fairly good life I had and have literally had a nervous breakdown in the last 6 months leading up to coming back here because I was so scared!

BUT I can't believe i feel happy the feeling of freedom you feel when you finally do it is amazing!!!

I am not trying to encourage people to leave their relationship but honestly you do feel better on your own if its not right and my kids are happier because I am.

I have heard this so many times, but wasn't sure I believed it thinking children were happier if you kept the family together.

My 'DH' has of yet to give me a penny and I am supporting myself and the children on savings I had from 20 years ago before we married.

I just wanted to say I had to be the most scared person to do this no family help (they life abroad but have helped how they can) no friends and really no money but I feel good and happy for the first time in years. I have had to move to a new country (in a way) and start my life from scratch sorting out everything from bank accounts to schools etc

I thought I'd share this as I read the relationships all the time and I often wonder how things go for people and have to say you do feel better to rid the negativity out of your and your children's life.

I know this isn't the most interesting of posts but posting anyway :0)

Vernazza Wed 22-Jul-15 20:06:10

Good on you Cutekoala for mustering the strength and making what was a very difficult decision, but the right one!! I too left a long term marriage (22 years) that wasn't abusive but just very very unhappy. It finally dawned on me that nothing I could do would ever compensate for the unhappiness inside him - I wasn't the cause of his anger and perpetually shitty outlook on life, nor could I fix it - or him.

I didn't want to leave because of the children but in the end I just couldn't face another day of his negative soul draining joy squelching bullshit. I couldn't face anemone night coming home from work and not knowing if Jekyl or Hyde would greet me.

The first night in my own flat, sleeping on a futon mattress on the floor, I couldn't wipe the smile off my face - I felt such an achievement, so proud of myself after years of agonising over the decision, to have finally found some balls and left! Such FREEDOM just being away from his negative energy. Amazing. And the kids have done just fine thank-you very much. Why did I ever think otherwise? Why did I ever think that a shitty intact home was better for them than two separate households where there was peace. I was living in denial for so long. confused

pocketsaviour Wed 22-Jul-15 20:07:01

That's good to hear smile Well done you, it must have been very frightening prospect doing all that on your own star

trackrBird Wed 22-Jul-15 20:09:24

I think it's interesting!
Well done you.
Where did you start? It must have seemed very daunting.

cutekoala Wed 22-Jul-15 21:04:54

Totally relate Vernazza - we are actually sleeping on blow up beds from telco and we have no furniture!! Sitting on camping chairs and I am freezing but I just don't care!!

I know it will get better and I feel so happy!

I have spent years feeling so low and miserable and yes that Jekyl and Hyde - all our fault he hates his job/his business trip and every single text I have had since back in the UK so negative!!!! He is such a miserable and negative bastard!!!

trachrbird - I don't know I literally put one foot in front of the other - I actually became so physically ill I didn't think I could do it and actually gave in but thankfully he was so horrible I just pushed through it somehow.

Honestly if I can do it and feel better I honestly think anyone can!! really!!

cutekoala Wed 22-Jul-15 21:06:09

sorry I mean blow up beds from tesco - honestly we have nothing at the moment and no warm clothes and even though its July we (particularly me we came from a hot country although I am English) feel freezing!!! :0))))

cutekoala Wed 22-Jul-15 21:07:24

and thank you pocketsaviour :0)

muchhappierthesedays Wed 22-Jul-15 21:11:51

That's fantastic, well done and thanks for sharing your story. It could give strength to others. Good luck and enjoy every minute of your new found and delicious freedom-as you might tell from my username I am also freeeeeee and it rocks!

Lovingfreedom Wed 22-Jul-15 21:13:02

Congratulations...onwards and upwards gringrin

Bristolgirl2015 Wed 22-Jul-15 21:17:34

You are such an inspiring person. My husband left me and ds 4 months ago out of the blue for OW. He was a miserable, cold, depressing person to be around, all of it due to his own demons which sapped the life from me. 4 months on I'm still feeling lonely but being apart from him its right for me too. I am starting to feel a sense if relief that I don't have to dread what mood he will be in when he gets home from work or when I get up in the morning. I hope eventually I will have more good days than bad. Posts like yours give me strength and make me smile. Well done you.

cutekoala Wed 22-Jul-15 21:46:42

Honestly Bristolgirl you will feel better - I look back and wish my husband had left us when DS was born 9 ears ago. He was so awful to all of us but wouldn't leave and when I asked if I should denied it said he's make it work wasn't what he wanted etc but really it was. Instead he drained the life out of all of us. and thank you for calling me inspiring!!!!! Definitely erring on scared not inspirational but still appreciate it!!!

You might not see it now but he has honestly he has done you a huge favor by leaving for the OW!! I am sure you will find happiness again I really do!!
I also really doubt he will and anyway it's not about them anyway.

Thankyou lovingfreedom guessing you're in same boat?

Same to you happierthesedays!! - funny isn't it? You do wonder why you waited so long.

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-Jul-15 07:26:56

Yes...no regrets here...the birds started singing again in my life the morning after my ex moved out...and I am certain it's been good for the children too.

TopOfTheCliff Thu 23-Jul-15 07:50:56

Well done! Another one here who filled the car and left with one mattress a chair and a small sofa (it was a big car!)
Life is relaxed and cheerful and there is plenty of cake.
You will quickly acquire stuff again - try gumtree or Freecycle or the local BHF charity shops - but losing 13 stone of dead weight will make you float along!

KiwiJude Thu 23-Jul-15 08:02:14

Congratulations cutekoala! As Loving Freedom said onwards and upwards smile

mrsdavidbowie Thu 23-Jul-15 08:07:53

Oh well done OP!!
I did the same...years of walking on eggshells, living with a controlling man who sucked the joy out of my life.....I wake up every morning with a smile on my face.

I now live in a happy house. I have plans for the future. And I have met a lovely man who came from nowhere.
And had lots of support on here.

Christinayanglah Thu 23-Jul-15 08:08:22

Good for you and yes things will get better x

Danceintherain2015 Thu 23-Jul-15 08:49:41

Well done Cutekoala- Me too- I left to return to the UK after 7 years abroad and left with 2 children and a suitcase each. Left my job/ home / friends- all on the surface it was perfect. It wasn't! I couldn't take another day of feeling like I was never good enough and alone. Turned out he already had Mrs Dancintherain 2 lined up!
I am now happy ( with a new wonderful partner who treats me better than he ever did) and my life is great !
It's hard to do at the time but the upheaval is worth it in the end! I'm not an advocate of LTB but sometimes it's justified as no one deserves to be treated to such emotional negativity. You only live once- make it count!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 23-Jul-15 09:16:34

I know this isn't the most interesting of posts but posting anyway :0)

Oh but it is and what you achieved is worth highlighting, flowers so many feel stuck and frozen and don't have the confidence to get away.

cutekoala Thu 23-Jul-15 09:30:17

Reading so many of you say 'sucked the joy out of my life' is exactly how I felt but hadn't thought of it that way.

They are so miserable and now i'm away from it I can really see how soul destroying that is and I do feel happy amazingly and so many people have commented at how my DS has really come out of his shell. It's only been a month though so hope this feeling lasts but thanks to all of you posting similar stories gives me hope!!

Octopush13 Thu 23-Jul-15 09:36:14

Thanks OP. I struggled with the should I break up family decision because I can't stand the miserable sod for years. But had had a difficult upbringing with split parents myself which held me back. Finally I got a massive kick up the bum to split when I discovered his 4 year affair (!). Still can't believe it but in a way at least made decision clear and stopped me dithering. And all those worries that had kept me with him...well they're not really that bad now that I'm here living the single mum life. Well done you. Sounds very difficult. I'm not sure I would have had the guts. Good luck and living to you and your kids. What are great strong example you are to them.

cutekoala Thu 23-Jul-15 09:37:13

He has said he is coming over in August to see the children and I am dreading it already! How do you get through that part I know he will come over and just criticize everything it is just going to annoy me so much. You just want to say to them 'give me some bloody money for the children and don't ever call me again' but I suppose you have to figure out a way to deal with them.

At the moment I am just being nice and smiling through all his ridiculous texts.

I can't go hardcore/solicitor on him because he is overseas and there would be no way to enforce anything really so I just have to pray he'll do the right thing which so far he is not!

Bristolgirl2015 Thu 23-Jul-15 13:11:22

I would love nothing better than for my ex to bugger off for good and leave me and ds alone for good. I'm not even bothered about being given maintenance for ds, although the right thing is for him to pay his way.

However, I know that the right thing for ds is to have his dad in his life. He's always been a good dad, if a little inconsistent, and unless I feel that this changes I have to continue to let their relationship flourish until ds is old enough to make up his own mind. So, through gritted teeth, I am civil and pleasant when we meet.

I have found that mentally detaching myself from him, his emotions and the car crash that is his life to be really helpful. I ignore a lot of his texts and emails unless it relates to ds and our joint assets (I have just initiated divorce proceedings). Not that you need any advice - you're like a superwoman!

TwoTwentyGowerRoad Fri 24-Jul-15 20:30:45

You rock Cute Be out when he comes a knockin'. If he has not paid you a brass buck why would you and the DCs be in? Genuine Q.

HellonHeels Fri 24-Jul-15 20:41:07

Well done!

On a practical note have you tried Freecycle for furniture etc? In some places it's called Freegle. People offer items for free and you can request them.

sakura Sun 26-Jul-15 16:01:51

Had to smile at the comment about the blow up beds.

I returned "home" in January after 11 years in Asia, because I decided I too could no longer deal with the "joy-squelching" presence.

I was quickly offered a council flat on account of being homeless, and.. fuck me if I didn't only get offered a full time job which I thoroughly enjoy.
I worked the first 5 weeks of that job without a washing machine, scrubbing the kids uniforms in the bath. No carpet, sofa or bed. No wardrobe. No curtains, nothing.

I have just received my second paycheck and I feel so utterly free. Childcare has been a huge headache but I've managed, somehow, by paying a girl to pick up my children and wait until I get home from work.

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