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I think I've fallen for him but is he stringing me along?

(51 Posts)
Giageddes Wed 22-Jul-15 19:03:50

I wanted to ask for your advice, or for some life experience or just balanced view on my current situation.

I met this person let’s just call him Z through work. Literally from the moment I met him, I saw he liked me. At first I just saw him as a friend. We didn’t work very closely together but he ended up dropping me home a couple of times and we started talking and found some common ground. He once invited me for a drink and we had a nice evening after he drove me home. I knew he fancied me, but at that time I was going through quite a lot at home having split from my husband and moving homes. It was a very unsettling time in my life and I was very confused about what to do next. I must say I stroke up a friendship with Z but it wasn’t until he was leaving to join another company when I began to feel a bit different towards him.

When he left, we carried on texting pretty much every day, sometimes hundreds of texts a day. And it wasn’t until one of my work colleagues mentioned that Z had a girlfriend. He was only seeing her for about a couple of months at that time. I remember feeling this sinking feeling in my stomach and being very upset about it.

Somehow I explained it to myself that it’s just texting and maybe he wasn’t seeing her anymore. Maybe it was in the past. I kept it all to myself and never told anyone at work that we were ‘texting’. I did ask him on text whether he was seeing anyone but he refused to answer, changed the subject or just simply would not text me back for a couple of days after. I knew something was wrong, but somehow I blamed it on myself and the fact I was still waiting for my house to go through so wasn’t ‘free’ myself. The thing is, all these conversations were over text and I really wanted to see him and tell him all that, but he always seemed to have an excuse.

In the end I felt like he was just stringing me along so I asked him to stop texting me and he did. For the next 2 weeks I was thinking about him constantly and dreaming about him every night. It was like an obsession. As it happened, on one of the work dos he was invited to I bumped into him again and that’s how we got talking again. He asked that we meet. I was so nervous my heart was racing, my hands were shaking, I rushed to see him. That night we both got a bit drunk and he told me he was attracted to me, he was very touchy feely all throughout the night. He said he was single and not looking for anything serious and basically we should get it on. He wanted us to book a day off and just go to a hotel. I just wanted to spend time with him, no matter how and what. Yes, I was attracted to him but it was more than just the physical attraction. I didn’t want to ruin it all and when he kept sending me links to hotels all weekend I just felt like maybe it was different for him. In the end on the day we were supposed to meet, he said he wasn’t feeling well. Later on he admitted to being nervous about it.

WE continued texting, me thinking he really was single until someone again at work mentioned how he heard from Z and how he was away with his girlfriend who he was very much in love with. This felt like a dagger going straight into my heart. All this time, we were chatting and texting and flirting and I was so naïve to blame this on me and my situation. I just didn’t see that coming. By then it was about 3 months of texting whilst we have only met twice, for a drink and have not even kissed.

I don’t even know what got into me, but I just couldn’t stop it. I knew I fell head over heels for him whilst at my most vulnerable time in my life. Coming out of a marriage, dealing with a very difficult split, purchasing property, moving out to live on my own, being single and uncertain about the future.

I know how crazy this will sound when I tell you that I was still hoping for everything to be ok between us and thinking he really felt something towards me. Gradually the texting got raunchy and we were pretty much sexting, and he told me he fancied me and he wanted me. Again he said he would come round to mine one night, but an hour before he was due to come I cancelled I just got scared about being this sordid little affair on a side. I didn’t want to hurt anyone.

He told me he understood and he asked me to understand too that he can’t be in touch with me for now. I have not heard from him for 5 weeks, this was the longer 5 weeks of my life. I cried virtually every night for 2 weeks, for the next 2 weeks I was waking up thinking of him, getting in my car thinking of him, going to bed thinking of him. Towards the end of that time, I was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I met someone in that time and started seeing them, but Z was never far from my thoughts and I was very much thinking about him.

But then something happened again. He turned up to a meeting with my work colleagues, he never did that before. Thinks were awkward between us, but nobody there knew what was really happening. After that evening he left early to go home but straight away he was texting me again. I only reluctantly answered after a couple of days.

I must say things have not been the same since, but still he would be in touch almost every day but the conversations were more about things rather than flirty. He’s told me in text he cared about me, he wanted all the best for me, he wanted me to meet someone and be happy. On one night after work drinks, we both ended up going out just the two of us for some cocktails and he basically told me he loved his gf otherwise he would like me to be his girlfriend. It did give me a bit of closure and was the first time he ever admitted to being in a relationship. It was just so painful for me. I realised that I was in a relationship and he was with someone he loved too and I was acting completely crazy. He told me he tried to not speak to me, but he can’t. I needed to move on.

I arranged to go away with my new boyfriend but still continued being ‘friends’ with Z. He maintains we are friends, even though I don’t want to be friends with him. When I went away with my boyfriend and didn’t have time to speak to him, he was texting me everyday – sending songs, sending messages, asking how things were between me and my boyfriend.

I feel like we have this strange relationship that is definitely not friendship but we are not lovers either. He will not leave me to move on, he does not want to be with me. He claims he is happy with his girlfriend. He says he is in love with her.

Sometimes I feel depressed by this whole situation, I want to be with him. But I can’t. So when I try to move on be happy with someone else. He just starts this whole texting, emailing game.

He now suggested that he becomes my mentor at work, which would mean that I would see him frequently, probably once a month. I want to, I really do want to see him. But I feel like this is not leading to anything. Whenever I get closer he pushes me away.

I’m in my mid-thirties and if I may say - quite attractive still. Men do find me attractive and I deserve to have another shot at love and would love to have children one day. I don’t want to waste my time on this but I feel helpless.

The last time I saw my mum, we actually ended up having a couple of glasses of wine and I just broke down in tears telling her everything about Z and that I loved him. Everyone is telling me to not waste my time on him and on a rational level I do understand that. But he is just such a charming person, I can’t help to fall for him. I wouldn’t be hanging around if I didn’t feel like there was something there. Or is it just all in my head?

Am I being completely Crazy? Hopeless? Romantic?

pocketsaviour Wed 22-Jul-15 19:20:01

it wasn’t until he was leaving to join another company when I began to feel a bit different towards him.

Then how is he coming to meetings with your work colleagues and offering to be your mentor?

holeinmyheart Wed 22-Jul-15 19:24:45

I think you know the answer yourself. What he is doing is making you unhappy as he is just not meeting your needs or committing to you.
He isn't an honest person either as he is behaving badly towards both you and his girlfriend.
Luckily, you didn't sleep with him or you might have seen the back of him sooner.
He seems as though he just wants his cake and to eat it.

Horribly painful as it is you just have to give up on him and block his number.
You deserve some one who has no hidden GFs and wants a honest relationship with you.

Giageddes Wed 22-Jul-15 19:27:38

Pocket saviour - he's left my office to move within company to a different office. That's why I keep seeing him as we have same work colleagues and often see him at leaving dos etc.

Giageddes Wed 22-Jul-15 19:28:51

Hole in my heart - I know this sounds crazy. I feel so frustrated, I want to forget him. Every day I wish I never met him. How do you get over someone?

Stitchintime1 Wed 22-Jul-15 19:30:08

I am beginning to develop an algorithm for this sort of thing. Length of relationship plus length of post x amount of angst =

Or in other words, few good things take this much thought.

Hannahouse Wed 22-Jul-15 19:31:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noblegiraffe Wed 22-Jul-15 19:31:48

Is he syringing me along?

Er, yes. Stop all contact with him and move on with your life. If he wanted you he'd be with you. Have some self esteem.

Giageddes Wed 22-Jul-15 19:36:51

Sorry about the length of post, you are right, I am so frustrated I love and hate him in equal measure. Sometimes, I think that knowing what he's put me through even if he wanted to be with me I could never forgive him.

When I speak to my friends I just try to joke about it and say its a love hate relationship, but the truth is, sometimes I feel like the only way to end it is to do something drastic. These are the times I'm driving home at night thinking what it would be like to hit the barrier... I'm in such a dark place... And I have been because of everything in my life and him for the last 10 months.

Glitoris Wed 22-Jul-15 19:38:21

His girlfriend certainly wouldn't find him 'charming' if she knew he was sexting you.

He's a player,he caught you at a vulnerable time.You're an ego boost to him,and a standy-by if things don't work out with the girlfriend.

You need to place a higher value on yourself.

MiniTheMinx Wed 22-Jul-15 19:58:53

He sounds dangerous, he knows he is playing with you, and he gets a sick little kick out of knowing you are falling apart.

Almost certainly doesn't love you, or his girlfriend and possibly even his own mother.

Of course he is charming, they always are.

If you allow this man to wreck your mental health, or you do something drastic towards him he will claim you are the "mad and sad one"

Of course you love him and hate him in equal measure, heroin addicts report the same ambivalent feeling towards their drug.

Please make an appointment to see your GP, explain your situation as best as you can and request counselling.

Your phone, tablet, pc, lap top etc delete all/any emails, change numbers, change house phone, block his emails etc,..

pinkfrocks Wed 22-Jul-15 20:00:39

You are being used. He likes you I think but he doesn't want a relationship with you, so for your own sanity you have to stop the contact. Don't reply to him from now on.

niceupthedance Wed 22-Jul-15 20:02:46

Sorry you're feeling in a mess over this guy. I think you need to block his number.

What happened to your boyfriend?

pocketsaviour Wed 22-Jul-15 20:05:19

Pocket saviour - he's left my office to move within company to a different office. That's why I keep seeing him as we have same work colleagues and often see him at leaving dos etc.

So why does your OP say he left to join another company?

minkGrundy Wed 22-Jul-15 20:07:40

It's not jim it is where you were in your life. He is a rebound thing and a fantasy.

The reality, the real him at a different time in your life would just be a massive disappointment.

Stop replying. Block him.

Of you feel suicidal or despairing contact the Samaritans. He isn't your saviour

minkGrundy Wed 22-Jul-15 20:14:34

Also have a look at limerence and see if this describes your situation.

StaircaseAtTheUniversity Wed 22-Jul-15 20:22:31

Tell his girlfriend and save her from this prick. Then block every avenue of communication you have with him- phone, Facebook, email etc.

TendonQueen Wed 22-Jul-15 20:23:21

It's an addiction and you need to break it. You haven't had enough time out of contact with him at any point to do this. Set yourself a target of three months. Either block his number or, if you can't do that, change your number and don't give him the new one. Don't go to any leaving dos during that time. Ask for a specific other person as your mentor so it doesn't end up being him. Avoid any other workplace stuff where you will see him. I'm not saying this will be easy or feel good to start with, but stick with it and your feelings for him will lessen and you'll be able to cope. It would help to tell someone you're doing this too so you're accountable for it - you can get people on here to support you too. He does not sound like a kind or decent person and you deserve better.

tsonlyme Wed 22-Jul-15 20:24:25

Good lord, between this one and the tummy stroking the other day I'm beginning to wonder if there's a beginners class in creative writing somewhere who have been told to test out their skills by writing a work related romance and posting it on MN.

Anyway, in case I'm wrong, he's just not that into you. You're the spare to stroke his ego (but hopefully not his tummy wink ).

mammuzzamia Wed 22-Jul-15 20:29:29

Good lord, between this one and the tummy stroking the other day I'm beginning to wonder if there's a beginners class in creative writing somewhere who have been told to test out their skills by writing a work related romance and posting it on MN.

I was thinking the same. Sorry OP. grin

Cut contact also. Completely

Zillie77 Wed 22-Jul-15 20:31:58

Your ROI, return on investment, in this relationship has been and will undoubtedly continue to be very low.

Take your time and energy and invest it in a better situation.

abbykins3 Wed 22-Jul-15 20:38:29

pocketsaviour Wed 22-Jul-15 20:05:19
Pocket saviour - he's left my office to move within company to a different office. That's why I keep seeing him as we have same work colleagues and often see him at leaving dos etc.

So why does your OP say he left to join another company?


MyDogAteMyBelt Wed 22-Jul-15 20:47:09


wannaBe Wed 22-Jul-15 20:52:31

I would say the main character in this novel needs to grow up and realise that no, she is not in love with the bad boy character, he is a fantasy and nothing more.

But i suggest that if she goes for a long walk along the beach/river/<insert local natural attraction of choice> she might in fact meet someone who will immediately touch her soul, her heart and other receptive parts of her anatomy wink and she'll be in love again before she knows it.

ChilliAndMint Wed 22-Jul-15 21:00:40

He can't have rocked your boat that much manged to bag a bloke in a few short weeks after you went NC.

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