Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How important is sex in your relationship?

(58 Posts)
Drivingmecrazy30 Wed 22-Jul-15 18:33:18

Just that really? Are there other things that are more important to make your relationship work?

TokenGinger Wed 22-Jul-15 18:41:08

Very. Having good sex and being pleased, and pleasing my enter equally is important. I don't think I could deal with mediocre sex or irregular sex.

Other things that are important to me are respect for each other, shared future goals (eg kids, marriage), having quality time for each other regularly (eg a night together a week without the disturbance of computer games, other friends, phones etc).

There's much more than that, just a basic list.

WallyBantersJunkBox Wed 22-Jul-15 18:46:11

It's up there with trust and respect.

But for me each one gets better and stronger with the other.

If I trust my partner, and I have his respect I'm safe and more relaxed sexually with him. The more relaxed I am, the better the sex. The better the sex, the more I want.

The more I want, the more attractive we feel to each other.

The more attractive we feel, the more respect there is.

And so it goes for me. Without wanting to make this a Dr Seuss rhyme. blush

Dilema76 Wed 22-Jul-15 18:52:30

It doesn't matter if it's important to other people. The only two people that matter are you and your partner. If you are not on the same page then it is a problem, at least for one of you. By the sounds if your username, the one is you!

Drivingmecrazy30 Wed 22-Jul-15 19:02:28

Your right dilema76!!

The problem is though me and xh split 6months ago due to me feeling unloved, no affection no physical or emotional connection all which I've realised are important to me!
So I did something abir silly and slept with someone I know a month ago and the sex and connection was amazing (it was a one off thing) but it made me realise that I'd never had that with xh!!
now xh wants me to think about giving him another chance and things will be different and while there are many other good things about him I don't know if they are enough I hope this makes sense and doesn't make me sound too awful! Which is why I was interested in what others thought.

pocketsaviour Wed 22-Jul-15 19:05:20

Have you been happier on your own - or at least with the prospect of meeting someone else - than you were with your ex?

If you're happier without him, there's your answer. It doesn't matter what "changes" he makes (or more like promises to make and then doesn't bother with.) If you don't have a sexual connection, it's pointless.

hidingbehindsmile Wed 22-Jul-15 19:31:29

It is very important to me. After having a long term relationship that went years without physical contact I came to a point where I was really feeling low and this was one of the reasons. We did split recently and I feel excited about the future and having a relationship which includes an active sex life.

OhMrGove Wed 22-Jul-15 19:48:25


DP does not want sex as much as I do. Which is at least twice a day. I settle for once but it drives me to distraction.

TokenGinger Wed 22-Jul-15 19:52:06

OhMrGove - You sound like me grin Except, my partner is the same!

Handywoman Wed 22-Jul-15 19:53:48

I'm exactly as per TokenGinger

I didn't realize how important sex was to me until I met a man who I totally trust, admire and respect and with whom the sex is amazing.

I think if the relationship is right the sex will be right.

That's the conclusion I've come to. I'll never settle for mediocre sex again.

WallyBantersJunkBox Wed 22-Jul-15 19:56:03

Ooh me neither Handy.

I feel like a million

Jenna333 Wed 22-Jul-15 19:58:17

I think it's important. I spent years in a marriage trying to convince myself that I didn't want it and could do without it but it's a miserable existence that I couldn't keep on with.

Drivingmecrazy30 Wed 22-Jul-15 20:03:28

Pocket I don't know about happier but my life has been easier with out him and I'm sure I'll be happy at some point I've just been putting a lot of pressure on myself worrying if I've made the wrong/right decision
Seems like I have been settling for mediocre sex and thinking I could live with it! Maybe I've answered it but just couldn't bring myself to admit it!

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Wed 22-Jul-15 20:11:14

It's also a way of connecting/reconnecting, and after all is the thing that distinguishes a romantic relationship from any other close relationship. If you have sex after a period of not having sex (even just a few days) you get that 'oh yeah... I LOVE this guy' feeling.

TokenGinger Wed 22-Jul-15 20:13:35

What's interesting for me is that, I didn't know what good sex was until I met my DP. I totally echo what Wally says. The trust, respect and adoration he has for me intensifies the pleasure of sex for me.

Sex previously has been very much about the man's pleasure, but I never really knew that until I met DP and realised how much pleasure he gives me. Which in turn, intensifies my feelings for him. And my feelings for him allow me to be more sexually relaxed.

Dynomite Wed 22-Jul-15 20:28:53

Essential!!! And I didn't know it until I met DP (soon to be DH). Before I met him, I had spent my entire adult life thinking sex is OK but something I could live without. And then I met DP and I realized sex can be amazing! We're quite vanilla in bed but we just work. And, despite working 60 hour weeks, we do it 4-5 times a week. I think it's the mutual respect and the trust that make it so good smile I would NEVER go back to a relationship with shit sex. Life is too short.

TheoriginalLEM Wed 22-Jul-15 20:31:10

It is really important to us. I am on ADs and they do dampen my labido somewhat, but even if i don't feel horny i like to have sex for the closeness. If we don't have sex for a while (im talking three or four days) we are both grumpy.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Wed 22-Jul-15 22:00:45

Hormonal contraceptives reduce libido. I think a lot of women don't realise that.

TheoriginalLEM Wed 22-Jul-15 22:10:28

maybe thats how they work ;)

LadyBlaBlah Wed 22-Jul-15 22:11:18

Experience has taught me that if you don't want to have sex with someone, simply, there is a problem BUT PROBABLY NOT WITH YOUR LIBIDO, but more likely it is the relationship you have with the person you are trying to convince yourself to have sex with that is problematic.

As a pp said, tiredness, stress - all of those - don't put you off in a genuinely mutually effective relationship.

Fadingmemory Wed 22-Jul-15 22:14:36

Not having sex in my life has considerably enriched it. I may well be in a very small minority here.

Workitbabe Wed 22-Jul-15 22:28:55

Very important to me. Ex h and I had no sex for the last 5 years of our marriage. I had a fling. Made me wake up and realise what I had been missing. Been with my partner for 18 months and every single aspect of our relationship is amazing.

DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel Wed 22-Jul-15 22:32:06

Not at all important. TBH its a bit of a chore. I know I could say no and DH would respect that, but I just go along with it. Its only a couple of times a month so I can cope with that.

LadyLuck81 Wed 22-Jul-15 22:32:51

Being on the same page as far as sec goes is important and being able to discuss it openly if something's not working for you is important. The quantity that makes you happy won't be the same for each couple. Whether you're a daily, weekly or monthly couple, or less, as long as you are both happy with it that's ok.

Drivingmecrazy30 Wed 22-Jul-15 23:13:44

Wow a lot of different replies!!

I think sex became a chore with xh the fact that he couldn't show me any affection on a day to day basis but expected me to want sex often made it worse! Even kissing him I felt nothing at the end!

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: