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I don't trust him online

(84 Posts)
mexica Wed 22-Jul-15 11:42:38

Been with dp for 5 years. We have a 1 year old together and I have 2 dc from previous marriage.

We've lived together for 3 years. But it took me a whole year to allow him to meet my children and another year of family dates, so he could build a relationship with them before I agreed we could all live together.
On the day we moved in together whilst setting up his Netflix account I discovered he had a fake Facebook profile (different name, pic etc) I asked him and he denied all knowledge. I trusted him completely and I tried to put it out of my mind but something didn't feel right. So I snoopedsad
I found hundreds of pictures from Facebook in his internet history. I didn't recognise most of them but there were a few I knew as my friends daughter (18) and a couple of my sons friends (17)
Mostly they were random girls from other areas all posing provocative and some beach and holiday pics.
Obviously I went mad and asked him. He said it was a habit he'd got in to when single and was basically using it as stimulation for private time urgh! He claimed it was just voyeurism no contact and there was nothing else to know.
I didn't believe him. So basically I jacked his emails. I found 5 fake Facebook profiles all used to friend request females and on one he'd requested his ex (a marries woman he'd been sleeping with, he'd claimed it was just sex, no feelings)
I threw him out and he was gone for a month. I spent that time getting myself together and enjoying life with my kids and friends. I realised I didn't need him and his issues in my life.
But! I took him back. We talked for weeks before I allowed him to come home. He explained he'd been selfish and hadn't considered my ffeelings. He said he'd realised that he had loved his ex and he'd gone through a phase of getting depressed and indulging thinking about her. He admitted he'd also been smoking weed with friends and he tgought this added to the depressive moods.
I asked for total honesty and got it. He told me he'd messaged hundreds of women telling them they were sexy but most hadn't replied and if any did reply he promptly blocked them. So strange!
He swore nothing like that would ever happen again. And I believed him.
Everything was good for a year. I worked hard to get my confidence back in response to seeing how hard he was working to rebuild trust.
When I found out we were expecting ds he was over the moon. I was terrified. My children were 17 and 11 and I hadn't planned anymore. Plus I was worried about him being ready to be a father.
We went ahead and I can honestly say he's been amazing. He was supportive all through the pregnancy birth and has been a brilliant father. He cooks cleans takes care of baby and plans stuff to so with my other children too. He'd stopped smoking and getting drunk. He'd really stepped up and I was feeling secure in my little family.

Until this last month. I knew something was off. Something didn't feel right. Sex had stopped being love making and was more disconnected. Like he wasn't really there in mind. There was no foreplay no soft touches, just flipping me over and pounding away. I spoke to him and explained how I felt and he apologised and said he'd make an effort. But no change. He stopped coming on family trips or trips out shopping or visiting friends and family. Saying he was tired or feeling unwell.
First chance I got I checked his phone.
He'd been searching for pics again. Mostly it was actresses or women off other tv shows like big brother or x factor. But there was another girl from Facebook. He'd checked her profile hundreds of times over the last 3 months. Sometimes he'd look at her pics 10+ Times a day. He admitted this was because she llooked a bit like his ex.

I don't know what to do. He's booked himself in to counselling and goes in 2 weeks. He claims he's sorry and wants to change. Claims he loves me and the boys and will do anything. He thinks he has an addiction and says he needs help.

I'm seeing a counsellor too. My confidence is at an all tine low, I've zero self esteem and I'm worried what all this has done to me mentally. I'm 35 but regularly get asked for proof when buying alcohol so I'm young looking. I'm in good shape and I often get complimented. But when I look in the mirror all I see is those pics and I compare myself and fall short. I see old, ugly, small boobs, wrong sized butt, wrong colour hair (I'm half Mexican so I'm pretty dark)
I can't walk down the street without feeling self conscious and I'm struggling to hold my head high. But I've done nothing wrong.
I'm sorry this was so long and probably poor grammar and spelling but my mind is all over the place

cozietoesie Wed 22-Jul-15 12:48:24

What is your instinct telling you?

mexica Wed 22-Jul-15 12:53:15

Honestly. I don't have an instinct. It's like I'm numb. I'm not crying anymore and I don't even feel angry. It's like I'm in a daze tbh

cozietoesie Wed 22-Jul-15 12:55:58

What is your financial and practical situation - eg do you own the house and have your own source of income/job at the moment?

DarkNavyBlue Wed 22-Jul-15 12:56:25

Well this is the second time he has been caught, so you can't rely on him being caught to stop him. Also councelling isn't some perfect easy process that just sorts people out.

You have to decide that if this is acceptable to you in a relationship. At least doesn't sound like he was looking to start a physical affair.

mexica Wed 22-Jul-15 13:04:58

We rent and its a joint tenancy. We both work full time for the emergency services so our jobs are secure. I could easily manage financially on my own.

I've told him counselling isn't a quick fix. He says he's going in the hope he'll learn how to deal with obsessive behaviour. This isn't the only thing he's obsessive with. If he's into x box he'll play 6 hours a day at every opportunity. If he's going to the gym he goes every dat til he gets bored and same with porn (which I have no issue with in moderation) he'll watch it 5-10 times a day. Looking at pics he'll find someone attractive and search through hundreds of pics of the same woman.

mexica Wed 22-Jul-15 13:09:23

And its not acceptable in my relationship. I've always made that very clear. It rips at the very heart of all intimacy when your partner is obsessed with another woman. And a woman who is the complete opposite of me.
I made it clear the first tine that he had damaged my self esteem, confidence and the amount of love and respect I had for him. He knew how hard it was going to be on me to work to get those things back. He told me he was in this 100% with me and I believed him.
I feel like he needs variety. Like I'm not enough for him because I can't keep his attention off those others

WhySoAngry Wed 22-Jul-15 13:17:50

He probably won't change. Obsessive people rarely change.

firesidechat Wed 22-Jul-15 13:21:19

But he's a sex pest. shock

Leaving aside his betrayal of you, he has randomly? pestered women for sex. Women who haven't asked for this. That is a terrible thing to do and I don't see how you can tolerate him.

rouxlebandit Wed 22-Jul-15 13:29:27

I've scanned through but I can't see his age. You are 35 and he sounds extremely immature. How old is he?

Dilema76 Wed 22-Jul-15 13:34:31

"I trusted him completely" -mistake number one.

"But I took him back" - mistake number two.

Don't let it happen a third time.

InTheBox Wed 22-Jul-15 13:37:20

Like I'm not enough for him because I can't keep his attention off those others

It's not your job to 'keep' his attention. If you feel it is then the relationship is all but finished.

I don't have an instinct. It's like I'm numb. I'm not crying anymore and I don't even feel angry. It's like I'm in a daze tbh

If you didn't have an instinct you'd never have snooped. You even said you'd felt something didn't feel quite right or was off over the last month. That is your instinct sending you massive signals. I think once a relationship gets to the spying stage then the trust is shot to pieces.

We both work full time for the emergency services so our jobs are secure. I could easily manage financially on my own

This statement is key. Your job is secure and you could easily manage financially on your own. So consider yourself a few steps ahead on that front.

Ultimately you can't change him, that's something he has to do himself and even if he plays the happy family man once in a while he'll always retreat.

You must ask yourself where you draw the line, at what point do you consider this enough? It's good you're seeing a counsellor to work through your confidence and self-esteem but if having him around is actually countering the benefits of that counselling then you need space away from this man. No-one is worth your physical, mental and emotional well-being.

Jan45 Wed 22-Jul-15 14:42:40

You do know what to do, this is the second time now, I'm afraid he's a sleaze, a sex pest and a persistent one at that, he won't change, why would he, he will abstain then get back on it once you have stopped snooping again. I'd have zero respect for this man.

mexica Wed 22-Jul-15 15:42:50

I haven't seen him pester women for sex. He has sent messages telling them they're sexy but I've never seen him ask or pester anyone for sex.
I get that what he's done is terrible tho

mexica Wed 22-Jul-15 15:45:32

He's 32.
But you're right he is very immature. I'm his first ling term partner. Before this I was married for 11 years and had 2 children.

Much of what he does now (internet creeping) is how he filled his relaxation time for all those years he was single

Jan45 Wed 22-Jul-15 15:52:30

Maybe he is immature, he's also calculating and a worry, what age barrier does he have, if any?

So now he has a problem, an addiction, you do realise addictions are very hard to pack in, if at all. Sorry OP, I wouldn't trust this man as far as I could throw him, no trust = no relationship.

Normal, decent guys don't behave like this and you should not have to live with the thought of what is he doing now, is he up to that again, it's not a relationship, it's a life of uncertainty and worry, who needs that.

Let him go off and get help, cut ties, tell him to come back to you when he can actually behave like someone who is in a relationship, he's making a fool out of himself and taking you along for the ride. What happens when he ends up messaging someone you know, he seems to spend a lifetime trawling for new victims.

Wise up OP and don't fall for the poor me, I am ill crap.

cozietoesie Wed 22-Jul-15 16:00:33

It sounds as if you don't like or respect him much if at all? Why - apart from panic - would you want to stay with him now?

firesidechat Wed 22-Jul-15 16:03:46

I haven't seen him pester women for sex. He has sent messages telling them they're sexy but I've never seen him ask or pester anyone for sex.

Sorry I misread what you had said, although I do think telling women you don't know that they are sexy online is both odd and unacceptable to most women.

mexica Wed 22-Jul-15 16:05:47

Yes. A lot of what you're saying hits home with me. Probably because I've said all of the above to myself over the last few weeks.

I know what I should do but my word it's so flippin hard. I was so careful about allowing anyone to get close to my children. As I said I didn't allow a meet til I'd known him a full year and then I made sure there was another whole year of family dates before we moved in together.
My children were so hurt and confused when my ex husband and I divorced and I never wanted to put them through anything like that again. I almost feel like I need to suck it up for their sake. Or at least try to work through this with dp in the hope it turns out ok in the end.
I know I sound pathetic but I swear the easiest option would be to scream in his face to get the hell out and never come back. I feel I'm tolerating him for their sakes.
He's in the kitchen right now making pizza dough. He has a pizza decorating evening planned with my children. How can I send him away when they adore him?

Joysmum Wed 22-Jul-15 16:10:28

Children would sit in front of X box and stuff themselves with fizzy and chocolate all day, doesn't mean that's what's best for them.

Jan45 Wed 22-Jul-15 16:16:09

I bet they adore you more. You send him away so he has consequences to his actions, allowing him to stay will not solve your problem, making him go and showing him you love yourself more and have self respect will show him you will not tolerate this kind of treatment, it's really that simple, otherwise he will continue with this behaviour, he has no reason not to.

You could still see him but on a dating basis, the way he is behaving is not like someone in a committed serious relationship, it's just a lie otherwise really.

Children are more resilient than adults, they adjust and accept things far quicker than we do.

mexica Wed 22-Jul-15 16:20:16

Yes. Jan I know you're right.

Jan45 Wed 22-Jul-15 16:25:43

You will feel crap to begin with but in time will feel empowered and in control, if you brush it under the carpet again it will come back up, at some point.

If he really truly loves you and can stand the test of time he will move heaven and earth to be with you.

Enoughalreadyyou Wed 22-Jul-15 16:25:50

In my opinion he's making grand gestures to cover up his shame and addiction. It's not just a question of him stopping but maturing as a person which could take years. You are being manipulated and you are falling for it.

Enoughalreadyyou Wed 22-Jul-15 16:28:21

Look at me in the kitchen making pizza dough. It's a distraction. He knows who he is and what he does. These are young women. What happens when your son gets a girlfriend .LTB

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