Why have I done this

[OverEmotinalmoo]

I have name changed but I am a regular.

I have been seeing the most amazing man since the start of May. He doesn't play games, is always consistent, is open, seems honest and expresses his feelings easily. Early on he wanted to see lots of me, things seemed to move very quickly from just dating to him saying that he thought we had something special. I have gone a long with all, swept up with it.

I have this fear though that simply will not go away. We were meant to be seeing each other yesterday. He said he was tired and stressed from work and that although he wouldn't be on good form I could still go over and see him. I said no, it was ok and that I would go and see a friend and we could talk later. This I did, but I couldn't help myself, I decided to tell him it was over. He wanted to talk but I said no, I didn't want to add extra levels of stress or pressure to his already busy and stressful life and that we should leave it.

He sat all evening waiting for me to respond, and I did and not in a positive or very kind way. He has had a lot to deal with recently, Dcs in another part of world, travel, work which is very difficult at the moment, renovations at home.

I'm sure he is a good guy, I am certain I am not being played, and yet I still have this fear that I am going to be hurt I take people at their word and when they break it, even some little thing and even with good reason, I feel I can't trust them.

This morning I woke up, the first thing I thought about was him, how hard things are for him, how mean my reaction was, I feel very ashamed to have probably made things much worse for him, and I am sad because I think I may have thrown away something special.

What can I do?

[Hissy]

Your instinct is telling you something.

I know you say you are sure he's a good guy etc, but you can't possibly tell that in a couple of months love, you just can't.

Sounds like you may have been overwhelmed somehow. Take a break, decide nothing, just be.

If it's supposed to be, it will be.

[Hissy]

It may be useful for you to do some thinking on your own about your fear of being hurt.

We all get hurt, but we get through it, we learn, we grow. We become better people funnily enough..

It's ok to risk, and to get hurt sometimes, but if your instincts are telling you to get out, pay attention to why that is.

Take the time to figure yourself out, what you want/need and then see where things are in your life and how things fit together or not.

[sundaymorningatwork]

What? Did I misunderstand something? Why did you tell him it was over?

[OverEmotinalmoo]

Thank you Hissy yes I think I have felt overwhelmed. I like a man who goes after me if I am what he wants, and I don't like the uncertainty of getting to know someone, so things moving quickly seem to make me feel more secure. However if/when I start to catch on and develop anything much in the way of feelings, I panic and want to pull back. I have probably used a minor blip in an otherwise wonderful new beginning to bring that to its end, I feel a bit broken.

I do want to see him, but I feel a bit too wobbly, and would have liked to have stepped back for a while. Maybe he feels the same and last night was his way of doing that, but I haven't pushed things on.

[shovetheholly]

It sounds as though you have a fear of abandonment. And like lots of people with that fear, you actually court rejection and seek to make it happen in order to pre-empt someone else having control over the narrative of the relationship. Oscillating between neediness and aloofness is a way of dealing with the insecurity!

It is like a kind of catastrophizing (taking something small and making a huge deal of it) that you act out in the relationship - and it will devastate things if you don't do something about it. I think recognising this as a problem is a huge first step - the next is to realise that you need to be more self-reliant in order to achieve the stability you need. Self-acceptance is probably a part of that, which is why counselling might be really helpful.

[OverEmotinalmoo]

Yes I told him "I don't want to pursue this any further" I now have no nose !

[shovetheholly]

I imagine if you contact him with a profound apology this morning, he may well be willing to give you a further chance. He sounds like a decent guy, and while he might have some emotional reservations for a bit, it doesn't sound like a complete dealbreaker. (Though obviously if he does want to leave things there, you have to accept that).

I suspect the real issue, though, is deeper and not perhaps so easily sorted!!

[OverEmotinalmoo]

shovetheholly yes, yes I think that is it, but I haven't always been like this, I'm sure.

I spent the last two years with a man who presented with these traits. He had a fear of abandonment, played silly games, made me feel so insecure. But why am I now acting in much the same way? Laughs at the idea, the irony..."is it catching" [weak]

[TokenGinger]

Poor guy. You've completed overreacted. You took his stressful day at work - which is a part of life - as some kind of insult towards yourself. You made his hard day all about you and made it 100x more stressful with the stunt you pulled.

Have you considered CBT to deal with your irrational thought processes and actions?

[shovetheholly]

I think it is catching! In the sense that if a behaviour becomes something that is rewarded within one relationship then it is more likely to become a habit that gets carried over into the next. Being with a guy with those traits, it may well have been something that he responded to and that therefore you also started to do to get his attention or to play the games back at him. The trouble is that something that is an unhealthy survival strategy in one dysfunctional relationship is being imported into a new, healthy relationship.

I think it can be really helpful to think very honestly about what positive pay-back you got from it in your last relationship, and then to think about the disadvantages of continuing to act in that way. Also, to write down the patterns of thought that you experience when you enter into this fearful and anxious state about hurt and rejection, and to counter them with more positive ways of thinking. Just as you 'learnt' this behaviour, you can unlearn it - but like any habit, it takes a while and a bit of effort to break!

[OverEmotinalmoo]

I am not certain I can apologise, I not certain I know where to start, I am hopeless. What could I say.

Do you think I should explain why I feel so vulnerable, and about the dysfunctional relationship, how it has made me feel distrustful? Is in even reasonable to explain it.

[OverEmotinalmoo]

ginger I have said I feel ashamed. I know I made it worse. He tried to talk to me reasonably and he said he really likes me and we have something very special...he is tired, worn out with a lot a stress, a very demanding job and he has limited support network here (he is not English) and instead of being kind I made it all about ME. I feel really shit actually.

[Hissy]

Give yourself a day to calm down, think about things and process everything.

It could be that you panicked, it could be that you are triggered by something, but knee jerk reactions aren't the way to go. Chill for a hot and reassess.

An apology starts with "I'm sorry, can we talk?"

[Hissy]

What happens next is a conversation to see how you get past things and for you to analyse why you feel as you do.

[shovetheholly]

Of course you can apologise! In fact, you owe him an apology really - whether he chooses to accept it or not is his business. I don't think you should explain why, though - it's likely to come over as a minimising excuse and not a taking of responsibility, even though there is clearly very relevant background here.

It's probably best to say something really simple that hints at the hinterland while taking full responsibility. e.g. 'I am so, so sorry for the way I acted last night. It was such a hurtful, destructive and wrong way to behave. I've loved our relationship, and I've had so much fun and I can't even begin to describe how awful and sick I felt waking up this morning and realising what a huge mistake I've made, and how I've jeopardized everything we had. I really, really hope you can forgive me for being such a colossal idiot. I could tell you about past relationships, and why this is a big issue for me and something I'm working on, but I don't want to sound like I'm not taking this seriously or making excuses. What I did was dreadful, and I am so very, very sorry. I really care about you/love you and I can't believe I've been so stupid.'

[TokenGinger]

Over - I actually pressed post on my message quite a bit ago when you first posted the thread. My phone is running ridiculously slow though and hadn't posted, so I hadn't read your additional posts when posting that. Apologies.

[Hissy]

You never know.. His foreign-ness may work in your favour... He may be used to women that are crazier, bat shittier than you...

Just do some thinking. No second guessing, listen to your thoughts, pick out your fears and examine them to see how rational they are.

[Sleepyfergus]

It does sound as if you jumped the gun somewhat and reacted wrongly.

If the thought I speaking to him is overwhelming, could you email him? As a precursor to meeting him to talk about things should he wish?

He sounds like a really nice guy, it would be a shame to throw it away now without trying. Who knows, it just might all work out for the better. Best of luck whatever you decide and for whatever happens.

[OverEmotinalmoo]

Ginger its ok, I am not being defensive, you are right. I made it all about me. I know this.

Hissy that made me smile, yes I do feel bat shit crazy! I must be, he has been so lovely and I have done this. Thing is he is from a part of the world where women are very together, very equal. Although I work/study and I am independent in terms of my thinking, I am not what you would call a really together career orientated woman. I have always had a sheltered life, until the ex hurt me so badly I had always felt that the men in my life could be depended upon and trusted. Maybe I should seek counselling, I want to be happy me again, even if I may have been more naive :)

[OverEmotinalmoo]

Shove thank you, you have a great way with words, sounds like you have done this apologising stuff before I wonder whether I should send something sooner rather than later...if it made him feel better would it be better to send something now, or to wait. The last thing he did was send a message saying "good night x" not sure if I feel there was a finality to it, or whether he felt that was polite. Not sure.

I said to him that I didn't think we were suited, that he needed someone more sensitive than me. I think I knew when I said it that I was being insensitive. I do know I am emotional, and now I feel very selfish to boot.

[squishee]

It's all too easy to be once bitten twice shy.
But I think you should push through and apologise as others have said. And take it from there. If you explain properly and he's a decent man, he'll understand. You'll be able to move on from it together. Good luck!

FWIW I had a wibble and did something in the same vein about a week after I met DP. We barely remember it happening now, two wonderful years on...

[OverEmotinalmoo]

Thank you so much for your help kind peeps of MN. I took your advice and sent a long message apologising. I said it was my fear of being hurt and that I was beginning to feel quite vulnerable and the reasons why. He responded straight away and told me not to worry and he still wants to keep seeing me.

I am soooo relieved although I still feel I have to address this issue of abandonment and will see if I can get some counselling to help me. I still feel very mean and a bit selfish but I shall try very hard not to allow my past to ruin what might be a really lovely relationship.

Thank you

[Sleepyfergus]

Awh, I'm happy that you contacted him and what he responded positively. Relationships are scary, but can also be wonderful. Give yourself a chance to be happy, it does mean putting yourself on the line and surrendering yourself somewhat, but this one sounds like a gamble worth taking. Good luck!