Girlfriend always contacts the same guy when we break up/argue.

[Confused7281]

Advice needed please.
I've been with my girlfriend for 9 months. When we got together she was also dating another guy which she finished with and started a relationship with me.
My problem is that everytime we fall out she contacts this other guy. We broke up for 4 weeks about 3 months ago in which she went out with this guy and slept with him. I accepted this as we weren't together but just recently we broke up for 2 weeks and once again she contacted this guy and arranged another date, she didn't go on this date as we got back together and is always truthful with me.
I'm confused, does she love me, does she like this other guy, does she want to be with this other guy,should I leave her, should I contact this guy myself as he doesn't know that when she contacts him we have literally just broken up, do I accept it as when she does we're not together. I have so many questions and I'm so confused and devastated over it to be honest? I feel as though this other guy is always there now and I can't bear it.
I love my girlfriend with all my heart and I don't want to lose her but at the same time I can't be a fool. We do have our problems but we also have so much going right for us so please don't think this is a terrible relationship as it's not.
Someone please help me, I'd ask friends and family for help but I can't bear for anyone to know about this.
Thank you.

[PurpleWithRed]

What does she say? Why have you broken up twice in 9 months? How old are you all?

[EquinoxEclipse]

You sound quite young, are you?

I wouldn't tolerate it, no - but I'm confused as to how you're having so many arguments and breakups in such a short time... Is it worth it?

[Dreamingofchocolate2]

It looks as though she is afraid of being on her own, and panics when you break up.
Perhaps she is insecure and needs constant attention from the opposite sex in order to feel sexy/loved.
I don't think you should accept this behaviour, if it interferes with your relationship, you both obviously need to discuss it. But it sounds like she has insecurity/loneliness issues as she only contacts him when you aren't together, like a rebound or booty call.
Make her feel sexy, beautiful and loved. (I'm sure you do)
My only concern is that she isn't taking anytime for herself to heal when you break up before she jumps into bed with said guy. She is in actual fact selling herself short and not boosting her self esteem in the right way

[pocketsaviour]

I'm confused
I'm not surprised.
does she love me
No.
does she like this other guy
She keeps sleeping with him. What do you think?
does she want to be with this other guy
Yes.
should I leave her
Yes.
should I contact this guy myself as he doesn't know that when she contacts him we have literally just broken up
No.
do I accept it as when she does we're not together
No.

I'm sorry son, but she's mugging you off. She is using both of you to make the other one jealous. Stop playing her game. Walk away.

[Confused7281]

Thanks for the reply, I'm 34 and she is 27.
She says the reason is because she feels lonely when we break up and I do understand that maybe she does this to give herself strength and maybe take her mind off me as maybe a rebound situation. We have spoken about marriage and our future and Im sure she loves me as much as I love her.
To be honest the reasons we have broken up is due to arguements getting out of hand and maybe down to the fact that were both quite strong and neither of us want to back down to the point we break up.
This most recent time she contacted me saying she missed me and was honest but what does it mean. She was dating him when we met I'm so confused and hurt by it, she says there shouldn't be an issue as we had broken up.
I'm so confused and so hurt, if I'm honest I have spoken to other girls but no way could I of even contemplated meeting or dating anyone so soon.
Does this help?

[SanityClause]

It just sounds like hard work, TBH.

If I were you, I'd call it off, and see if you can find someone you don't fall out with quite so often.

[butterflygirl15]

sounds to me like she is playing you both off against one another.

I would remove yourself from this dynamic and go and find someone who values and appreciates you. Someone who has an affair with you and leaves their ex will most certainly be unfaithful to you going down the line. Once a cheat always a cheat.

I would also work on your own self esteem and find out why you think this is all you deserve?

[Confused7281]

Equinox- when things are going well what we have is something neither of us have had before. It really is special.

[Confused7281]

And just to clarify. When we met she had only been on a couple of dates with this other guy, they weren't together and she isn't actually a cheat. She would never do anything while we are together.

[shovetheholly]

So she books dates, but doesn't go on them? I wonder if she's trying to emphasize her worth in your eyes by showing you that she is attractive to other men, and making you jealous. It's a bit of a childish tactic, but she wouldn't be the first woman to do it.

She's not cheating on you, though - technically, she's free in these times to do what the hell she likes. If you want someone to be completely faithful to you, you need to find a way of having a relationship that's not punctuated by break-ups. If you can't do that, it might be worth thinking long and hard whether this is really the right person for you.

[shovetheholly]

Sorry, just ignore that first sentence - I thought I'd deleted it, but clearly not!

[Pixiemixie]

It sounds very heavy going for a relationship of such short duration. At 9 months in, it should really still be the 'honeymoon' stage, not this heavy duty makeup breakup stuff. Unless you are addicted to drama and emotional pain (and I'm not saying you are), you could have a much better relationship with someone else. You are young. It sounds like something a couple of hormonal teenagers would go through, no disrespect meant to you.

[FenellaFellorick]

you know, relationships really aren't supposed to be a hard slog.

It's probably not worth the drama, angst and upset when there are a LOT of other potential partners out there.

She doesn't sound great. It's probably not worth it.

It's not great for the other guy either. He's her Plan B. Her fallback option. Her ego boost pick me up.

But that's his problem not yours. If he's willing to be that, then more fool him.

[Annarose2014]

Nope nope nope nope.

You are not her "One". Simple as.

When you two broke up, she's not gutted, is she? She was barely with this guy when you started going out and it sounds like she's still extremely intrigued by him.

She's trying both of you on for size. So despite her "talking about marriage", I suspect that whilst she does want to get married and settle down (many women start thinking of it at that age) it doesn't mean at all that you're the love of her life. She's keeping her eye out.

Oh and you generally don't break up this much within the first 9 months if its your future wife. Ones future spouse is generally a lot easier and smoother to be with than this - in marriages that last, that is.

Expect a lot more of the same should you continue. More arguments, and more break ups, and more drama. Its not great really, is it?

[EquinoxEclipse]

Well it's a no from me then OP - this all sounds far too much like hard work!

When it's right, it's not this difficult, honest.

[butterflygirl15]

I disagree that she is a cheat - and yo yoing back from you to him all the time is not honest or loyal is it.

Why do you think you deserve this treatment?

[Dreamingofchocolate2]

You need to ask yourself OP do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is not secure in themselves. Imagine if you were to marry, had an argument, would you not worry that she may find someone to make herself feel better??
She clearly has issues either with commitment, self esteem or even both. Would she accept the same behaviour from you?
Also although she hasn't technically cheated she hasn't left it very long before she's intimate with someone else.... But perhaps she knows now that she can behave this way because you've allowed it and taken her back? Maybe she is actually having her cake and eating it without actually 'cheating!'

[magoria]

I would like to know the reason for the break ups.

If you had been apart for weeks then she is free to sleep with who she wants. If you then try again that is down to both of you.

That it's the same guy may just mean she is down from being split up again and so sleeps with someone she knows will do so to cheer her up/try and improve her self worth.

Week/month long separations so early are not a good sign for long term though.

[fancyanotherfez]

If she is doing this then telling you, it sounds like she is trying to make you jealous. As others have said, arguments that get so out of hand that you break up twice in 9 months mean that it's not a great relationship. It will get absolutely exhausting after a while.

[arsenaltilidie]

If anyone is afraid to be alone it's you.
You are only a couple of years younger than myself. You cannot expect the future mother of your children to be this type of woman.

You need to make yourself busy and forget about her.
There are far much better women than this woman.

[Sleepybeanbump]

Oh dear op. It sounds horrible.

But yes, adult relationships really don't need to be this stressful. And the fundamental dynamics rarely change. So if you're thinking of this as a long term relationship, that's a long future of make up and break up angst. Why? Who wants to live like that?

It's hard to know what's going on with her and this other guy. Is she just using him as a fall back rebound to comfort her and make her feel better? Maybe. Fair enough. Is she going to him and then letting you know to make you feel insecure and jealous, to get you back, to hurt you? Maybe. Not so good. Is she actually partially engineering the breakups because she can't decide between the two of you? Maybe. Not good at all.

Leave it. Seriously, the first nine months with your future partner should be lovely and happy and easy, not like this.

[pocketsaviour]

You're 34 and 27?! I assumed you were teenagers!

Time to get off the drama llama, OP.

[MakeItACider]

This is a woman who can never be on her own, who will always need to be the centre of attention.

Sadly, if you ever go through a rough time, for whatever reason, you can be absolutely certain that she will not be there to support you, she will be off somewhere getting the attention she craves from someone else.

[Offred]

Why on earth are you talking about marriage in a new relationship where you are breaking up often?!

I don't think she's cheating and I kind of think it's her business what she does when you are not together.

The only thing that is relevant is that your relationship with her is not working is it if you are breaking up several times because arguments get out of control? That is just not normal. You are not suited to each other and people should never talk about marriage when their relationship is failing.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I'm exhausted just reading about your rollercoaster relationship. Nine months in it should all be hearts and flowers and great times, not arguments, break ups and "when it's good".

You are looking at this through rose tinted spectacles OP. Really this relationship isn't good news for you