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Not sure how to feel about this

(229 Posts)
Confuddledmare Wed 22-Jul-15 09:17:42

Apologies in advance if this is tmi.

Last week DH and I had sex, well he had sex with me. I didn't tell him no or to stop but I gave him no outwardly sign that I was up for it, by this I mean I had turned my back on him and was trying to sleep.

So was was stroking me up and down and this would usually get me in the mood and I would give him some sign of this, but I had had a hard day and I really wasn't feeling it. Again I didn't tell him to stop I just lied there and he carried on. As I was lying on my front he came up behind me and had sex with me, all while I was just lying there not making a sound and not moving an inch at all. I don't understand how he could have got any indication that I was feeling up for it. I just left him to finish and then went to sleep.

He knows I've been off with him since so I explained to him that I had felt a bit violated and used tbh. He said if I had asked him to stop then he would have, yes he might have been grumpy about it, but he would rather I said something than just left him. So apparently it is all my own fault, but I can't understand what he got out of a partner just lying there doing nothing?

Both of us are really struggling with it tbh. He won't come near me in case I think he is taking advantage of me and I don't really feel like cuddling up with him so it feels very very awkward in our house right now.

I'm not sure what I'm asking, maybe is it okay to feel the way I did or was I overreacting?

pocketsaviour Wed 22-Jul-15 09:27:28

is it okay to feel the way I did or was I overreacting?

It's always okay to feel the feelings you have. But no you're not over-reacting and I would feel very disturbed by the idea that my partner was happy to have sex with what could have been my lifeless corpse.

I can't understand how anyone could just carry on when you weren't reacting to his touch at all. You clearly weren't interested but instead of saying "Hey, are you okay?" he just stuck it in and got his rocks off. That is not what a loving partner does.

Has this sort of thing happened before? Are there other problems in the marriage generally?

ALaughAMinute Wed 22-Jul-15 09:28:42

Clearly this is not an acceptable situation so you need to talk.

When sex isn't working it can be an indication that other areas of the relationship have gone wrong. Are you having problems in other areas? How long has this been going on?

I don't think you are overreacting by the way, he should have stopped and asked you what was wrong.

Confuddledmare Wed 22-Jul-15 09:37:41

Sex is usually great between us, yes with three dc it's a lot less than it used to be (about once or twice a week) but we have always been compatible in that sense. I am going through some mental health issues ATM so I have been a lot less up for it recently and he has noticed this.

Our marriage has been better than ever recently too, there were some issues at the beginning but we have both worked hard to put them right and I felt that we had come out stronger as a couple.

And then this. He said he feels devastated that I could think so low of him, he genuinely thought I was enjoying it. But yes, lying there like a corpse, to me, is not giving someone a sign that you want sex.

ALaughAMinute Wed 22-Jul-15 10:01:04

It sounds like you have a good marriage so perhaps you should work on your MH issues if you are not doing so already. Have you been to see your GP? Have you explained how you are feeling to your DH? Are there areas in your life you are not happy with? Are you tired?

Get some help and get on the road to recovery. If your DH is a good man (and it sounds like he is) he will support you.

BromleyGal Wed 22-Jul-15 10:06:51

He should have stopped.

I had a partner (loving, good relationship, good sex) do this to me several years ago. We were in a hotel and I woke up one morning to him inside me. I lay still, frozen, until he had finished. He at least admitted that he was totally wrong and was hugely apologetic afterwards. Whereas it sounds like your partner is blaming you. That's not good.

Drew64 Wed 22-Jul-15 10:18:21

Firstly, I've no idea how your DH was able to get it up with no reaction from you! I physically wouldn't have been able to but maybe that's just me.

I'm not going to judge but maybe you should ask yourself;

Why didn't you say something to him at the time.
Why didn't he say something to you at the time.

I wouldn't say that any single person is at fault here, you do seem to be able to communicate about this subject so I think you both need to get to the bottom of this and both of your feelings for each other

Don't feel like your at fault!
Your DH should REALLY have read the signs!

whattheseithakasmean Wed 22-Jul-15 10:21:42

It sounds like there are real communication issues in this relationship.

It seems weird and wrong that he could have sex with an inert body & that would really upset me.

But in a long term loving relationship, I don't understand why you wouldn't mutter 'I'm not in the mood love' rather than just lie there - it sounds like you almost wanted to test out what he would do, which suggests an underlying trust issue.

DottyCotton Thu 23-Jul-15 12:08:12

I agree with the last two answers mentioning communication issues. Why didn't you ask him to stop, or say you were not in the mood for sex? Why didn't he sense something was wrong, and ask you about it? All very strange, there seem to be other underlying problems you need to tackle.

KinkyAfro Thu 23-Jul-15 12:37:06

Totally not blaming you whatsoever, what he did was awful, but why did you not tell him you weren't up for it? Do you think he would have carried on regardless?

TokenGinger Thu 23-Jul-15 15:20:07

I have to say, I am not sure if I think your "DP" is in the wrong. I can often be sleepy in bed and my DP comes up behind me, kissing my neck and stroking my legs. He might not get a reaction as such but it progresses in to sex. We often have sex where we are literally just spooning whilst he embraces me and "does all of the work". On the occasions where I've been too tired, I've said "not tonight" and he's stopped and held me. If I don't say no to him, he wouldn't think to stop, he'd think that not withdrawing is my consent.

However, we have discussed this before. We spoke about how neither of us says "yes" before sex, the fact that we're in a relationship is the consent. It's only when we withdraw consent and say "no" that it is wrong. (Please do not confuse this with marital rape - this is a very different, I am not talking about aggressiveness here, I am talking about sex one believes is consensual being confused in one way or another.)

Jan45 Thu 23-Jul-15 15:49:32

Why any man would want to have sex with a woman who is showing no signs of being up for it is beyond me, he was being totally selfish and yes, he did use you.

TokenGinger Thu 23-Jul-15 15:51:54

After reading your post again, I do agree with Jan. I'm not sure it's comparable to my situation with DP so excuse the previous comparison. If you're literally being silent and not reacting in any way, it's different to the little signs I must give off - moans, opening my neck up for his kisses etc.

Please excuse my previous post.

StarsInTheNightSky Thu 23-Jul-15 16:03:35

The bit which concerns me is that he would be grumpy if you said no. I also wouldn't be happy in your situation.

Spell99 Thu 23-Jul-15 16:19:13

You are far more than within your rights to be upset. But a shrug off as a sign would have made the situation more clear for him I think. But I guess that's not your responsibility.

God maybe we should be asking for signed "release" forms (pardon the pun).
Or being a digital word now maybe we could have an appropriate face-book status.

As previous people have said I just think some form of communication between partners is necessary, for all sorts of reasons.

FolkGirl Thu 23-Jul-15 16:32:44

I don't understand why you wouldn't say anything.

Unless, of course, there is more to this. But then that would be one hell of a drip feed.

BolshierAyraStark Thu 23-Jul-15 18:59:06

Why on earth didn't you say something? You are in a loving relationship with 3 DC so I'm sorry but there are serious communication issues in your marriage.

RJnomore Thu 23-Jul-15 19:01:17

Are you saying your DH had sex with you which you did not consent to?

PushingThru Thu 23-Jul-15 19:11:59

Is that even sex? Surely it's using a person's body as a masturbation tool?

FolkGirl Thu 23-Jul-15 19:22:26

She didn't consent, no RJ. But then she didn't tell hin to stop either.

Of course he shouldn't have dobe it, but then the op isan adult ho has a viice and, by all accounts, didn't even resist physically.

So whilst she wasn't sending out "I'm loving this" vibes, she wasn't exactly resistent either.

This is an issue of communication rather than anything more sinister.

Green18 Thu 23-Jul-15 19:22:33

I think you are overreacting. The fact that you did't say no means you are consenting unless you were asleep but you said you weren't.Yes it's a bit strange that he was happy to carry on without you joining in but maybe he thought you were happy to just do it lazily?!
I think this says more about your communication/trust issues.

Saltedcaramel2014 Thu 23-Jul-15 19:37:45

I'm sorry this happened - it must have left you feeling crappy. And, by the sound of things, it also left him feeling crappy. It does sound like his horrified response and backing off was healthy and the reaction of a man who cares. I hope you can talk and make things right again - I'm sure you can.

There are so many grey areas with sex. I've been in a similar situation before, more than once. I think that men either believe what is convenient to believe or really don't realise. Either way I think the victim-blaming posts on here are unhelpful and stupid.

BolshierAyraStark Thu 23-Jul-15 19:50:12

Who's victim blaming?-& who is the victim of what exactly? hmm
There is clearly a communication issue as the OP didn't say no despite obviously not wanting sex-that isn't normal in a healthy relationship.

FolkGirl Thu 23-Jul-15 19:58:49

salted I would agree, but there has to be a victim for there to be victim blaming. I don't think painting the op as a victim here is helpful to her or her husband.

I've read some awful stories on here about women waking up to find their partners having sex with them. Or having "stop it" requests ignored so that they just keep quiet to get it over with. That clearly is what it is.

If someone made advances to me I would expect them to stop if I told them too, but would expect them to think I was agreeable to it if I didn't. And yes, sometimes I have had silent, lazy sex where consent hasn't been expressly sought or given, but where it is implied and inferred.

Have experienced both sides, I can tell the difference.

Op, I hope you and your husband can talk about this and move past it.

RJnomore Thu 23-Jul-15 20:51:00

I am really really concerned about this and about some of Thr responses on this thead.

Giving consent is emphatically NOT not just saying no (excuse the triple negative)

What the op describes is a very disturbing experience and one which she said left her violated. I don't think you are over reacting at all op. I believe you. I'm sorry your DH has so little respect for you. This is not your issue it is his and I sincerely hope it isn't part of a pattern of desensitisation and gradual encroachment on your boundaries.

As you say, what could he be getting out of a partner just lying there doing nothing?

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