Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

NOW he wants to tell me how he feels....

(18 Posts)
daisyJ123 Wed 22-Jul-15 09:12:13

Hi all
I posted last week 'end of the road?'
My partner of 5 months (met on blind date, have spoken on the phone or seen each other pretty much every night since, been away, he's met my daughter, so quite a full on and exciting few months) had, on a few occasions been unable to tell me how he felt about me/us. I was really into him from early on. Last Thursday, I asked him what I meant to him and we talked. All he could come up with was 'the sex is good and I like hanging out with you'. I asked him to leave. We were supposed to be going camping with my daughter the next day. I cancelled it and haven't seen him since. I felt gutted that he couldn't/wouldn't tell me how he felt. He has been inundating me with texts and essay length emails since last Friday, and initially I ignore them. I've had this before from guys and eventiually they have given up, but he hasn't.
His last partner took his son away and broke his heart. He said he's terrified of a similar thing happening and hasn't been able to open his heart as he's been protecting himself. He has said a number of other things and says he can't imagine life without me.
Has anyone had a similar experience with someone who's crap at expressing themselves and has made you feel pretty insecure and rubbish until you told them to fuck off, and then the've come back and everything's been awesome? I have said I will meet him tonight. I don't know what's going to happen. I feel strong at the moment and am currently having counselling for trust issues (previous stuff with exes and dad). Your advice, experiences and thoughts would be really appreciated!

Iggi999 Wed 22-Jul-15 09:15:08

Five months is not very long for someone with a previous bad relationship. It is ok to be cautious! Only you can judge if he's just not that into you, or just a slow-burner.

Hissy Wed 22-Jul-15 09:23:31

He's your boyfriend love, and a very new one at that.

Please don't give him any status he has not rightfully earned.

You have done the right thing, he's just inserting you into his life in the place of his ex and hasn't processed any feelings at all. You deserve better than that. You deserve someone who loves you for you.

DONT involve your dc in any of this, you're not sure who he is, he's not sure of himself and Mark my words, your dd will get hurt if she gets to know him and he ends up not working out.

It's not supposed to be this hard, it's not supposed to be this fraught.

The sex is good and I like hanging out with you means nothing more than he likes having sex, and he gets it with you.

The emotional emails are just a way to get this back, and he's not secure in himself to be alone.

I repeat. You don't want a man this unfinished. It's a poor example of a relationship for your dd too somehow. She deserves to learn what a good livening relationship looks like.

Meet the guy in a neutral place, don't invite him back, listen to what he has to say but make no decisions.

He has to do a lot of growing up and development. You need to demand more for yourself.

Hissy Wed 22-Jul-15 09:25:41

If they make you feel crap and insecure once, they'll do it again. And again.

<bitter experience>

Good luck, be strong and demand the best for yourself

Lovingfreedom Wed 22-Jul-15 09:38:58

He's told you how he feels: the sex is good and he likes hanging out with you. Your problem is that it is not what you want to hear.

InTheBox Wed 22-Jul-15 09:40:09

I've had someone ricochet back into my life sending essay length e-mails and messages declaring how much they loved me and couldn't live without me. It came when I cut him off as I couldn't stand the uncertainty and the second-guessing. It did my head in. He told me pretty much everything I wanted to hear.
Anyway, I fell for it and a few months later I was back to square one. He went back to blowing hot and cold and eventually left. Did I feel feel like the world's biggest idiot? Yes. If I could go back in time and just ignore him would I? Yes. Was he worth all the pain and angst? No.

You need to firmly establish your boundaries and raise your resolve. This type of behaviour is designed to manage down or rather reduce your expectations. The thing is if he doesn't commit but stays in your peripheral then he gets the best of both worlds. He never promised you anything so he can just walk away when he so chooses and secondly it keeps you on the back foot, unable to move on.

And again, you're just 5 months in and you're already on your second thread about it. At this stage it shouldn't be such an uphill struggle. Words are actually very meaningless in the big scheme of things, I'm sure he's promising the world but actions are what matter.

As cliched as it sounds: When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

ThoseAwfulCurtains Wed 22-Jul-15 09:44:36

This sounds far too angsty for a new relationship. I agree with Lovingfreedom ↑↑↑

pictish Wed 22-Jul-15 09:55:14

I also agree with lovingfreedom.

He gave you what I think is a fairly appropriate response to such a loaded question a mere five months into a new relationship. You said yourself you were really into him from early on, so I guess his truthful answer wasn't what you wanted to hear, but he did tell you how he felt.

I disagree with Hissy (unusually), in that I don't think he owed you the depths of his soul after such a short amount of time. Personally, I'd hate to be pinned down in a how-do-you-feel-about-me-and-where-is-this-going convo at the five month mark. I'm a cautious one.

MistressOfAll Wed 22-Jul-15 10:09:06

I'm a bit confused about what he's done wrong in the first place. If DH (19 years together ) said he liked sex with me and my company I'd be quite happy. What exactly should he have said and are we weird for not talking to each other like hallmark cards! wink

MiniTheMinx Wed 22-Jul-15 10:31:41

Too much too soon. I agree with pictish I think you are expecting too much at five months.

I think he probably does have feelings for you, why? If someone put me on the spot and I gave an honest response, I wouldn't chase them up after they had disregarded that by asking me to leave. A measured and rational response from you would have been to have put the conversation to one side and given things a few more weeks. People develop feelings at different rates. Just because he isn't declaring undying love at five months doesn't mean he never will. I think you are expecting too much. As regards saying he liked your company and the sex is good... what else is he supposed to say? He likes you, likes your personality and fancies you and thinks sex is good. I can't think of anything else one would have to say. In 10 years from now and married you could ask and the response might be "I liked being with you and sex is great" what other bases does one have to cover! "I like the way you clean the oven, by the way I'm so impressed with this can we get married"

He has shown you how much he cares for you and your company by wanting to spend pretty much every night with you. Actions always speak louder than words. I actually find myself feeling a little bit sorry for this guy.

You sound like hard work OP, and yes you are right to continue with the counselling.

yougotafriend Wed 22-Jul-15 10:40:06

I agree with others.. He answered your question honestly but it wasn't the response you were after. I'd be likely to answer in a similar way to him tbh!

At the end of the day tho, if his approach is not what you're looking for you should end it and find someone more on your wavelength

Threefishys Wed 22-Jul-15 10:42:07

I agree with lovingfreedom too. You sound like you need the drama to feel loved OP - that needs sorting

daisyJ123 Wed 22-Jul-15 12:16:08

Thanks for all your comments & advice. Really appreciated.
Yeah, I'm hard work. I was feeling pretty vulnerable & insecure & really wanted to hear that he was as into me as I was into him...felt pretty hurt when that wasn't what I heard. I think 5 months feels like ages cos we've spent so much time together & met each other's kids etc...
Thanks peeps

missybct Wed 22-Jul-15 12:32:19

I think for you, it's about working whether he is truly blowing hot and cold, or whether you are allowing your insecurities and fears to PERCEIVE him to be blowing hot and cold.

I think the "It's only been 5 months" comments are right in a generic sense, but ultimately each relationship is different.

However - and this is a big however (and I mean this sincerely) - you admit yourself you have trust issues, and feel vulnerable and insecure. I agree that the response he gave you was probably not what you imagined you'd hear, or what you wanted. Therefore, because it didn't marry up with the perception you had in your head, it raised red flags and caused you to push him away. It may be less to do with him not being right, and more to do with your brain receiving the signals and cues incorrectly. Nothing wrong with this by the way - just needs a bit of rewiring - something that counselling and therapy can help.

You've obviously both got certain degrees of painful experiences - most people do - but you have to both learn to accept your past issues are seperate from your current relationship and appropriate boundaries accordingly. When we start to try and paper over cracks from the past with people from the present in order to eliminate the pain, or feel we have to 'rescue' or 'help people' from their problems, we sort of avoid why the issues are there in the first place. What happened to him, and what has happened to you are different situations and require you to take individual responsibility and ownership over them.

It is very hard to feel consistently loved and appreciated when your level of love and appreciation toward yourself is determined by what your partner gives you - we are all, by nature, different people who have different reactions, emotions and feelings at differing times.

chelle792 Wed 22-Jul-15 12:37:06

Have you spoken to your therapist about symbiotic relationships? Might be worth a chat. Holding someone to a symbiotic relationship will only end up destroying the relationship. The tighter you hold the more likely he is to want to eventually 'free' himself.

I've spoken with my therapist at length about symbiotic relationships and it's fascinating

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Wed 22-Jul-15 12:40:37

You know you have issues and you are working through them - that's fantastic and a great step forward. Where I struggle is that you know you have issues yet you've fast-forwarded into calling him your partner and seeing each others DCs - you haven't taken that knowledge about yourself and actually applied it in to your life - do you see what I mean?

Slow down. Stop rushing. Stop trying to create a family. Concentrate on having a relationship first - if that's what you ultimately want.

pictish Wed 22-Jul-15 12:53:22

Words don't grease a relationship anyway. Saying "I love you" doesn't make it so. In effect you were trying to force a verbal contract out of him, but that's a contract that's never going to stick.

Actions and genuine feelings of affection and commitment are what makes a long term relationship and those come with time having developed naturally...not just because you say words to imply it or try to make him do the same.

You've pushed this forward and got the kids involved far too soon. His initial response was appropriate, your reaction was not.

daisyJ123 Wed 22-Jul-15 14:07:22

Missybct, have we met? I feel like you know me!
Thanks for the comments, everyone. Really helping me to think about the situation, my stuff & his stuff. Can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to write.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now