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It's just so cold.

(25 Posts)
MsMarvel Tue 21-Jul-15 21:00:59

Had an argument with dp about the fact that he never listens to me when I'm talking about work, says he's not interested etc but will talk to me about his work.

At the weeken he went off on one because when he was talking about work I pointed out the double standards, but I can't argue with him because he gets so defensive and manages to twist everything I say so that I end up going back on myself and lose my initial point.

So same thing happens this time but we get over it until today. I mention something about work and he starts talking over me saying that on my word, I'm not allowed to talk about work at all any more. I try and tell him that that wasn't what I was trying to say, that I wanted us boh to be able to because I actually cared about how his day was, but I don't even know how, but I end up the bad guy again.

We don't argue that much but when we do, I just can't cope. He manages to twist everything so that I end up in the wrong.

I don't know how long I can do this for but I can't imagine my life without him.

NaiceHamSandwich Tue 21-Jul-15 21:16:47

You can't imagine life without someone who doesn't give a shit about how your day has gone? DHs work bores me to tears, as do his hobbies, but I still nod and smile and make all the right noises and even offer some thoughts and opinions when he talks about them because he cares about them and I care about him.

He sounds like a self absorbed, manipulative little git. Don't waste your life on someone who doesn't give a shit about it.

Cabrinha Tue 21-Jul-15 21:19:23

You can't imagine life without him?

Really?

Try it. Life without a rude, nasty, disrespectful arsehole who TELLS you that you can't talk about work but he can?

Who cares whether he argues 'better' than you (I think you mean bullies, by the way)?

Try imagining a partner who says "hey, how was your day? Did you sort out that presentation in the end? Your colleague still keeping you laughing with their crap jokes?"

Is it really do hard to imagine one day being with someone who is pleasant, supportive, interested?

If it is, at least try imagining the interim - the wonderful peace and calm without him bullying you.

I'm raging in your behalf! What kind of arsehole tells you you can't talk about work?

MsMarvel Tue 21-Jul-15 21:25:41

I've just left. I have my work stuff for tomorrow with me but I can't imagine being able to go in. I'm siting in my car but can't go anywhere because I've had a few drinks. Not a lot, but enough that I wouldn't want to drive. I don't know what to do, I have nowhere to go.

BoxOfKittens Tue 21-Jul-15 21:26:46

Could you both agree to discuss work with friends or use a journal or something? If this is the only sticking point. Try a lighthearted approach, pointing out that work discussions inevitably lead to a silly argument so from now on there is a ban? You say that you don't want this but I don't think him just agreeing to listen and care about your work will make you feel less hurt as it won't be genuine. Too much work talk can be a drag, so maybe trying a ban for a month could help?

MsMarvel Tue 21-Jul-15 21:29:06

I can't just not include a big part of my life with someone though. I did it with my mum for long enough because she didn't like dp and didn't want me to talk about him to her, and it was always the elephant in the room. I can't do it again.

MsMarvel Tue 21-Jul-15 21:31:43

What do I do? I just going to have to go back in aren't i. I've nowhere else to go.

Cabrinha Tue 21-Jul-15 21:32:47

Do you live together?
Well done for taking decisive action!
But my dad always used to say to me - if you're going to run away from home (I was 10!) always do it in the morning so you've got a day to plan.

Best option is a taxi to a mate's house for some support.

Next best, if it is safe, go back to your house, get a good night's sleep (if you can) and call in for a day off tomorrow to get yourself sorted moving out.

You're right not to let him speak to you like that.

Cabrinha Tue 21-Jul-15 21:33:28

What are your living arrangements? Do you rent together?

MsMarvel Tue 21-Jul-15 21:34:51

We rent together, although it's only his name on the lease. Something he's always put off getting round to doing is putting me on the lease.

mrsdavidbowie Tue 21-Jul-15 21:35:14

I wasn't allowed to talk to h about my " dull crappy little job"
I came to the conclusion he was envious of me being good at it, valued by colleagues and getting recognised for my success.

We are now divorced.
You deserve better

Cabrinha Tue 21-Jul-15 21:38:42

Well that's good news that you're not tied into paying any part of the rent grin

Have you told him it's over?
If not, I'd go back in, get done sleep and start afresh with leaving tomorrow. If you can bear the atmosphere, you can take your time leaving. As his lodger (legally) he only has to give you reasonable notice, which could be considered just days.

How far away is your mum? She doesn't sound ideal but a bed's a bed.

You work and have a car, and don't owe him any more rent... so get looking for a house share or something to rent tomorrow!

MsMarvel Tue 21-Jul-15 21:38:59

I've bit the bullet and gone back in. He's in dsd's room, probably laughing at me for walking out then having to come back. I've just had enough. I feel so worn down I'm barely me any more.

MsMarvel Tue 21-Jul-15 21:40:10

My mum is a ferry ride away, so unfortunately not near enough to go there, I wish I could

achieve15 Tue 21-Jul-15 21:44:07

the work chats are not the only issue are they?

what is life like with him when you are not arguing?

can you get a cab to a B&B?

pocketsaviour Tue 21-Jul-15 21:50:41

OK here's a short term plan.

Go back in.
Make up a bed on the settee (or spare room if you have one).
Go to work tomorrow. Ask everyone at work if they have or know of a room to rent.
Get on houseshare.com, spareroom.co.uk and uk.easyroommate.com and start making enquiries.
Speak to your family and friends as well to see if anyone can suggest anything. This would also be the time to ask if anyone can help you out with a deposit, if you're short on cash.

Get your living situation sorted first (you are horribly vulnerable not being on the lease and I'm worried he might just sling you out.)
Then tell him it's over and you're going.

Cabrinha Tue 21-Jul-15 21:53:03

Well, that says a lot that you assume he'll be laughing at you coming back in. Not assuming he'll be racking his brains trying to work out how to make things right.

So what that you came back in? It's your home. Whether your legal standing is flimsy or not, it is your home. No shame in not doing a moonlight flit!

You have a good job. This is not a temporary blip (I searched your posts, hope that's OK).

Get some sleep, and sort out your next steps tomorrow.

You could wait it out where you are, or go into a cheap B&B. You're working so I expect you can sort out a shared house v quickly whilst you decide what you want to do. Or a rental place. If a place is empty, they'll be keen as you are to get you in there super fast!

Cabrinha Tue 21-Jul-15 21:55:00

You have mentioned on another thread travelling loads for work. I do too. How sympathetic is your boss? Can you plan to group your furthest away site visits together this week, and stay close to them, on expenses?

Cabrinha Tue 21-Jul-15 21:58:15

When I needed cheap accommodation for a couple of nights when working away (and paying myself) I stayed in a Youth Hostel! (make doesn't matter)
I avoided leaving it suited and booted, it was a bit weird - dorm room! - but it did the job if you need super cheap.

You don't have to tell him you've moved out. Just tell him you'll be away this week for some thinking time, so you haven't officially moved out, if you may need to go back there.

As you're paying towards the rent, I have a suspicion he won't be kicking you out tomorrow.

So take control and tomorrow use the PP's spare room links.

MsMarvel Tue 21-Jul-15 22:16:04

Just got off the phone to my mum and have a short term plan. I'm staying heed tonight because I'm working nearby tomorrow and it makes sense. Dp is refusing to even discuss anything because he's tired, so I'll go to work as normal tomorrow, then when I get back the proper cards on the table this has got to change chat is happening. For a while now I've been selling myself short and underestimating my value as a person. And I'm done with that. If it's over, it's over. I can recover.

And as of tomorrow my uncle who stays nearby is working offshore and I have spare keys to his flat, so I can decant there for a few weeks if needs be.

It's just tonight I have to get through here. Part of me hopes it's not over and we can recover, but another part of me is relieved that it might be over.

Cabrinha Tue 21-Jul-15 22:24:00

Great news on the uncle's flat!
Sounds perfect for you to get some space whatever you decide.

Can I just gently suggest though, that you already laid your cards on the table tonight?

Tonight, you walke out on him and he's refusing to discuss it.

His cards are out, face up, plain to see love. He doesn't care.

MsMarvel Tue 21-Jul-15 22:27:53

Yeah it is looking like that. Part of me wants to give him one last chance to show that he cares, I don't know if that's just looking for another upset though.

Twinklestein Tue 21-Jul-15 22:29:00

Why on earth would you want a relationship with this awful man to recover? You're nearly free.

Cabrinha Tue 21-Jul-15 22:39:35

It's not looking like that, it is like that.
Go back and read your thread from Feb, and realise you've had another 6 months of this shit in your life.

Sorry to pile in on you, but he sounds like a total arsehole and you sound dangerously close to accepting that for another 6 months.

You have a free flat ready and waiting - GO!

This is a man who leaves HIS washing up for you because it's your 'turn' even when you haven't been there and none of it is yours.

Why do you think he's going to change? He's fundamentally not nice.

Go to your uncle's flat. Even if you must give him (yet another) chance, at least do it from another house, so you're already getting your life sorted for when he fails to keep it up confused

I'm going to say this again... you were upset enough tonight that you left and sat in your car with nowhere to go (you thought). And he... did nothing. Whatevs, she'll get over her hissy fit, always does. Got her where I want her, doing all the housework and not talking about her crap and boring me with it.

Lovey, I know I'm being harsh, but really... when you feel relief at the thought of going, it's time to go. flowers

achieve15 Tue 21-Jul-15 23:24:27

MsMarvel "If it's over, it's over. I can recover."

more than that - you can have a nice life and be happy smile

glad you have made a plan. You mention you feel relieved at the possibility of it being over - that's pretty telling. Are you sure you're not having a final chat tomorrow because you feel you should for some reason?

There's a thread around at the moment with people talking about being single. Many people - myself included - have found single life much happier and more fulfilling than coupledom. So please don't hang on to this because you're worreid about being alone.

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