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We made our bed with ILs and now we really have to lay in it.

(134 Posts)
mampam Tue 21-Jul-15 16:04:24

There is such a long backstory to this but I will try to be as brief as possible.

I have been with DH for almost 10 years. Right from the very beginning it was crystal clear that the ILs did not like me, the only reason I could fathom was that I have 2 DC from a previous marriage. DH and I also have 2DC together.

Years ago IL's bought a large house that was separated into 2 dwellings, the lived in one we lived in the other. It did not work as they were absolutely vile to me and it got so unbearable (ending with FIL aggressively shouting at me and calling me names) that I started to look for somewhere else for myself and DC to live when they backed Dh (we weren't married then) into a corner and made him choose between them and me. He chose me.

We moved house and shortly after were married. IL's came to the wedding but caused a horrible atmosphere, FIL would barely stand near me to have a photo taken, MIL would turn on her heels if I went near her and neither of them spoke to me the whole day. All our wedding guests noticed, it was awful.

IL's refused to apologise for any of their behaviour so DH went NC with them for about 2.5 years afterwards during which time DH had a breakdown.
When I became pregnant with our 1st DC together the ILs got in touch and I persuaded DH to give them a second chance (more fool me) and they came to see the baby when she was 2 weeks old.
For a while we built up a good relationship with them (or so we thought) and whilst they never apologised for their behaviour, we put it behind us and they seemed to have changed. So much so we went on holiday with them and ILs helped DH to build his business up. All seemed fine for a couple of years and then they asked us if we would like to move back to our old house and would pay to have an extension built.
It took DH and I 3 months to reach the decision to move back (I know, I know we should have said no).

We have now lived next door to them again for just short of 2 years and things have got progressively worse ending with a row between MIL and myself last week.
I truly think they were putting on an act to lure us back to living next door to them as they seemed to change almost immediately. FIL is controlling and everything has to be his way or the highway. He treats DH as if he is stupid and a little child. In fact he treats everyone as if they are stupid and thinks he is the authority on everything. He even tells DH what load up for his days work as if he is in charge and an expert on what DH does for a living.
If ever they have had to arrange for a tradesman to come to our house for whatever reason he just walks into our house without knocking or even shouting to let us know that he's showing the tradesman around.
They grow plants up the front of our house and won't let us tend to them or to our front patch of grass.
They kindly gave DH a hand at getting his business off the ground, bought machinery to push DH's business in the direction that FIL wanted it to go in but it belongs to them, DH is allowed to use it and now FIL is slowly selling it off.
FIL once detached our hose from the outside tap as we may not remember to turn the tap off.
We weren't allowed to have underfloor heating in our extension as FIL felt we would forget to switch it off.
Last year when I was pregnant and suffering with severe Hyperemesis and was rendered pretty useless not once did ILs help DH. He was working, looking after 4 children, mopping up my sick, cooking, cleaning, washing, doing the shopping and working on the extension. Twice he asked MIL to fetch DD from pre-school and both times he was met with "oh alright then" with a lot of eye rolling and she made it clear she was severely put out.
At every opportunity MIL will come out with snide comments aimed at me.
She comes to the house when DH isn't here to make me feel guilty about how much they spent on the extension, pleads poverty, makes out like they are really poor when in reality they are both in their 50's, FIL is retired and MIL has a part time job.
DH's cousin came to stay with us at Easter and whilst he was here MIL told him that they only tolerate me as they know DH will choose me over them. That I don't do anything, DH does everything and has an unfair workload. I wear the trousers in our house.
They never babysit.
They never offer to help us with anything.
They criticise at every opportunity.
They can see we are run ragged, especially Dh yet still nag him and get him to do things that FIL has all the time in the world to do but won't.

We rent this house from the ILs, we have a tenancy agreement yet they seem to know no boundaries. They don't seem to have any sense of what will really piss people off or not.........or maybe they do I'm not sure.

The row between MIL and myself started because the previous day DH had asked FIL if he could nip him over to the local village about 1/2 mile away in his van to pick up a sofa bed that we were buying from someone. FIL agreed but early afternoon he asked DH if he wanted to just borrow the van to go and get it himself so he could "have a drink". DH said no as he is not insured to drive it and we had a car written off 2 months ago in an accident so he is very wary.
FIL took DH to fetch the sofa but DH said that FIL had already been drinking.
At 10.15pm that night our home phone rang. We didn't get to it in time but there was a message from FIL telling us that our shower in our upstairs bathroom had been leaking again. We were quite annoyed at him for calling so late as he woke our 8 month old baby who doesn't sleep very well as it is and frightened the life out of us as my 12 year old DS was away with school at the time and I assumed that if someone was calling that late it must be someone from the school calling to say something was up with DS.

The following morning DH took DD out to wait for the school bus and when he came back in he was absolutely livid. MIL had been waiting for him and launched straight into "can you fix that shower today?", DH snapped "YES!" at her. On the way back from the bus stop FIL hung out of his bedroom window and shouted to DH "Oi, what's your problem?.....You don't speak to your mother like that......" and had basically had a real go at him. DH had been so annoyed at his mother because of the way she collared him when he was in a rush to get to the bus stop and then get to work and that she just launched straight into it without even a hello or sorry for calling so late last night. This sort of thing is a regular occurrence either before or when he has just come home from work, collaring him and nagging about something. To be honest we are both absolutely shattered and this was just the final straw in a long list of things.

I saw MIL as I was getting in the car to go to work a little later so I said to her "Can you tell FIL never to call us at that time again as it's not on and he woke the baby up". She was immediately on the defensive and her reply was "well we had water pissing down our stairs", I then repeated what she had said "water pissing down your stairs?", her reply to that "well somebody was in the fucking shower". So that was it I just let rip. I said I would not have FIL speaking to DH like he was a piece of shit off his shoe, that I was fed up with them nagging and stressing DH out all the time. Oh we had a proper row and yes there was definitely some effing and jeffing from me too, I think almost 10 years of pent up emotion came out as I have never said a word before and have just kept my mouth shut. MIL told me to piss off I don't know how many times.

When I got home from work a couple of hours later DH called to say he'd had an answer phone message left on his mobile from FIL saying that "your missus has just had a bender at MIL, effing and blinding, I'm not having it and I'm not living like this" hmm

Whilst I was on the phone to DH I was in our (downstairs) bedroom sat on our bed looking out of the window. FIL was strimming, saw me so walked right over to our window and started strimming right outside!! The following day MIL parked her wheelbarrow right on the drive making it difficult for me to reverse. At the weekend FIL must have used every power tool he owns (he does own quite a lot) right outside our garden gate. FIL has also been parking his van right up against one of our downstairs windows instead of where he normally parks. Usually we don't hear them (unless FIL is drunk and we can hear his music over our TV) but we are now hearing doors slamming all the time.
Yesterday DH was left another answerphone message summoning him to their house that afternoon to talk, DH didn't go.

There is no going back from this I know. I want nothing to do with them, I'm done trying, sweeping things they do and snide comments under the carpet. I want to be left alone, I have no fight left. I basically have to put up and shut up. I am miserable.

DH is miserable too, he feels powerless against his parents. I know they won't listen.

Thank you for reading if you have got this far. I don't think I am looking for replies really as we have made our bed and we must lie in it although it feels good to get things off my chest. We have no money to move house.
We are stuck.

If you feel like giving me a sympathy pat on the back I could really do with it right now.

midnightvelvetPart2 Tue 21-Jul-15 16:10:42

Crikey OP!

Are you able to rent somewhere?

Sighing Tue 21-Jul-15 16:14:49

That sounds a horrendous situation. Thank goodness you and DH are a united front on this.

RandomMess Tue 21-Jul-15 16:16:54

You need to start saving. I mean live on the bread line ANYTHING to move out.

Skiptonlass Tue 21-Jul-15 16:17:28

It sounds awful. I think you know what the answer is though - move house. You need to get away from them.

RandomMess Tue 21-Jul-15 16:17:34

Would DH be better off trying to get employment as it sounds like FIL will try and destroy his business?

mampam Tue 21-Jul-15 16:19:22

No unfortunately we cannot afford to move and are stuck here.

Yes it is something to be grateful for I guess that DH and I are a very much united front.
I am however really worried about DH, he doesn't handle stress well hence his breakdown years ago and is not good with confrontation which is going to be inevitable.

ShootTheMoon Tue 21-Jul-15 16:20:05

Sending you sympathy and a hug OP - it sounds like you're well past the point of no return with PILs so all I can say is are you certain there isn't a way out?

Ultimately I think all you can do is act with dignity and composure and hide the fact that they are getting to you, as much as you possibly can. Don't stoop to their level, and don't give them any satisfaction.

With FILs it sounds like they have miserable little lives. Maybe their shared enmity against you/your family gives them something to unite against and to avoid looking at their own failings. Not that this is an excuse of course, but perhaps it would help just to pity them for their meanness and small-mindedness?

Optimist1 Tue 21-Jul-15 16:22:41

You have to get out of there, OP. You and your DH sound under almost unbearable pressure, and it won't be doing your children any good either. I fear that if you stay you will have become so ground down by the behaviour of your ILs that you won't have the energy to plan an exit. I've no idea of your finances or cost of renting in your area, but it's time for a strategy meeting with your DH. Together you'll be able to figure out a plan, even if it means going without underfloor heating and outside taps. Oh wait, you are already ...

flowers

Hadron21 Tue 21-Jul-15 16:22:52

Firstly you need to move house. Only after that once you have the energy to think about it can you consider what to do with your in laws.
If it was me, I'd be polite til I moved then cut contact. They are making your life hell. Parents should not act like this! It's wrong. They sound bonkers.

Skiptonlass Tue 21-Jul-15 16:23:16

I know you say you can't afford to move, but you are living in each other's pockets. However tough it is financially, it's the only way you can get away.

They will not change. They have your house and your livelihood under their control. They will get their claws into your children. They will try to drive a wedge between you and your dh. They have already damaged his mental health.

I think you can't not afford to move. What price your happiness and health?

emotionsecho Tue 21-Jul-15 16:23:26

One sympathetic pat on the back and flowers, that sounds dreadful.

However, I think you really do need to get of there your and your dh and children's health, both physical and mental, is suffering. Is there absolutely no way you could raise a deposit for somewhere else to rent, could you cut-back and save like crazy, no-one who could loan you the money (I know if a friend of mine was in this position and I had the means to help, I would without a second thought), any prospect of council or HA housing in the area? Even if it is a smaller place it would be a sacrifice worth making, and you could build from there. If you can see an end in sight to staying there it will make it more bearable in the short term.

Please do everything you can to get away for the sake of your family.

Backforthis Tue 21-Jul-15 16:23:46

What if your DH went to work for someone else? Would you be able to afford to move then?

TendonQueen Tue 21-Jul-15 16:24:19

Save as much as you can to be able to move. Look for a bank loan. Whatever it takes, even if it takes a couple of years. At least then you'd be out. Minimal communication of any sort in the meantime.

FantasticButtocks Tue 21-Jul-15 16:25:46

I'd rather live in a shed than be anywhere near these people. Are you sure you can't move?

What a shame you persuaded DH to get back in touch with his toxic parents. So you think you have to stay in this situation? I'd make the quality of your lives a total priority, no matter the hardship. This is no way to live. Your poor DH having a breakdown... His health and your health are in peril as long as your lives are in the hands of these people.

HPsauciness Tue 21-Jul-15 16:26:32

You say you can't afford to move, but you also can't presumably afford your husband to have a heart attack/another breakdown from the stress and not be working, I'm guessing- it honestly sounds that bad.

They sound simply awful, I know that IL's who are difficult rarely change, they just modify their behaviour to get what they want (access to children, lots of influence in their children's lives) and then revert to the usual ways afterwards.

You pay rent to them, so have at least some money to pay elsewhere. Is the issue a deposit? Is it that your husband won't agree to move? Obviously you would have to rent elsewhere if they threw you out, so I would start planning your escape route now.

BabyGanoush Tue 21-Jul-15 16:30:49

Do move, take a loan, take a job, sellstuffo e-bay, do babysitting, and wait til you have enough money to move ouf.

Then go NC

But youmust make a plan to move out!

Wishful80sMontage Tue 21-Jul-15 16:31:09

I know you say you're trapped but are you really? Could you get together a deposit to rent somewhere?

mampam Tue 21-Jul-15 16:31:31

When I confided in a very good friend of mine her reaction was that they wanted us to live next door to them so tough, they will just have to put up with me!! When DH is in fleeting moments of fighting talk he says we need to just get on with our lives and hope that they leave us alone. I think he needs to tell them to leave us alone but I don't think he'll have the nerve.

And no they don't go anywhere or do anything they just stay here. They don't even know many people in the local village and I don't think they, MIL especially, like it that we have gone out of our way to get to know people. They never have anything nice to say about anyone yet they try to call in favours with them through us. Like we did the hard work of getting to know the people but they want to reap the benefits.

Iggi999 Tue 21-Jul-15 16:31:31

It is defeatist to say you couldn't afford to move - you should be thinking, you cannot afford to move now - they can't keep you there forever. Make plans so you don't feel so trapped.

SylvanianCaliphate Tue 21-Jul-15 16:33:07

Move.
Move.
Move.
Move.

If you have to live in your sisters downstairs loo just move.

They will keep escalating this and pin it on you, they didn't like losing their son so will torture you.

NoelEdmondsHighFlyingTurds Tue 21-Jul-15 16:34:52

No, no, no! Don't go the route of them 'putting up with you', once you can't sustain that tough stance indefinitely and it'll all go tits up. Empower yourselves and move the moment you have the money together.

emotionsecho Tue 21-Jul-15 16:36:02

They are never going to just let you get on with your own lives, they will up the ante and make your lives even more miserable and unbearable, let's face it it is all they have to do and they have plenty of time to plan and enact their schemes.

Do you work? If you do could you ask your employer for a loan for a deposit?

Wishful80sMontage Tue 21-Jul-15 16:39:22

Did you rent before then or did you sell that house to rent from in laws?
Are you both working?

BrianButterfield Tue 21-Jul-15 16:39:44

I would be tempted to report them as nuisance neighbours (which they are!). Then if they ever sell the houses they will have to disclose it. Serves them right.

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