bf and hygeine

[charliethebear]

My bf has really poor personal hygiene and I need to talk about it with him but I don't know how.
We've been together 5 years, at first it was fine but gradually its got worse and worse. In this time hes moved out of home and when he first moved out it was also fine but its been getting worse and worse to the stage where I really struggle to be close to him. I should have spoken to him sooner because now I'm scared to upset him.
He only showers every 3 days or so, his hair is often greasy and he never cuts it. Its a relief when I see him and hes clean. He doesn't always use proper antiperspirant, he wears clothes 4 or 5 days running so they look grimy and smell. When he does wash them he doesn't dry them properly. He doesn't often change his bed sheets (once a month maybe), he doesn't clean hos kitchen or bathroom and its honestly gross, i would rather go to the loo in the garden than his toilet, he houseshares so its 3 persons grime too. He hasn't vacuumed his room in months. He also only cleans his teeth once a fay maybe less (which ive tried to address in a jokey manner as I'm a dental student so have been telling him what should be done but he thinks he knows best and they only need brushing once a day). The last straw was when I visited him and there was a pile of dirty tissues by his bed right next to the bin.
Hes like a 12 year old teenage boy but hes 23. Hes got a job and I worry a colleague is going to have to speak to him Surely he should know to keep basic personal hygiene by now!

[charliethebear]

I have tried to tell him that you need to wear antiperspirant, shower once day, dry your clothes properly etc but he just laughs at me and tells me I'm being ridiculous and its not necessary. I really need to get through to him that it is! We're planning on moving in together when I finish uni but I don't know how I'm going to do that if I'm going to have to mother him to make sure he stays clean

[Pastaeater]

That is awful! No adult should behave like that!! Tell him firmly that he needs to change and that it is upsetting you.....tbh I don't really see what else you can do!

[Pastaeater]

Do not move in with him until this is sorted! You will only find it more and more repulsive and off-putting!

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Cut your losses. Seriously, he's a filthy pig and he doesn't deserve a girlfriend until he sorts himself out. Do not under any circumstances move in or have a baby with him.

[charliethebear]

I dont know how to tell him. Do I just sit him down and say he smells? Telling him what should be done doesn't work.
He obviously knows what should be done as he used to do it
Its still a year till I finish so I wont be moving in till then even if I do which right now I really cant.

[Ashwinder]

Could he be depressed? Personal hygiene is often something that slips then.

Or can he just not be bothered? I had a smelly ex and it was honesty a deal breaker by the end. I wouldn't move in together.

[charliethebear]

I wondered if he was depressed but I think he might just be lazy. I dont want to just leave him as up until this he was perfect in every way, and in many ways he still is but if he doesn't sort this out then it will have to be a deal breaker :(

[RoganJosh]

Him saying that's it's not necessary would make me think that he's unlikely to change long term I'm afraid.

[wrapsuperstar]

Yuck, does he expect a normal physical relationship with you whilst stinking and filthy? Because that doesn't just show a lack of self-respect, it's disrespectful to you too
Definitely don't even entertain the thought of sharing a home with this man until he can stop living like a slob.

[Pastaeater]

I think you have to say that this is upsetting you. If he ignores that then head for the door.

[TheCraicDealer]

Get out of there. If everything else has stayed the same (i.e., no indication that he's going through a particularly stressful time, depression, etc), then 100% cut your losses. He has realised that if he doesn't shower, change his sheets or clean up his piss no-one pulls him up on it. So long as no-one has the balls to call him out on it it will continue. Even if you have a word now, this is the status quo he will drop back to as soon as you stop nagging him. Some people do fall back on cleaning and personal hygiene when depressed, but there's also those who are just dirty bastards. I suspect that this is what you have on your hands.

I don't know how you stick him as it is. My boyfriend doesn't always remember to brush his teeth (particularly at weekends when he's out of the work routine) in the mornings AND he's a mouth breather. Not nice. When he breathes on me I force him to the bathroom and remind him that it's disrespectful to me and anyone else in close proximity.

[WickedWax]

I have tried to tell him that you need to wear antiperspirant, shower once day, dry your clothes properly etc but he just laughs at me and tells me I'm being ridiculous and its not necessary

Dump him. You've tried, he knows this is a problem for you, he isn't going to change. Do not move in with this man. Run, run like the wind.

[AreYouSupposedToBeInIowa]

I had a boyfriend who was a bit of a 'Homage a' Fromage' and I had to bin him off once it was evident he couldn't see a problem. I didn't fancy a future with a bloke I could only stomach in the cooler months.
Was he parented at all?

[machair]

What are his family like? Maybe he was brought up to think this is ok.

[Jan45]

He is like this because as a child he has been allowed to be this way, do you really think you can change years of learned behaviour, no chance.

He's lazy and is not concerned about his effect on other people, that alone tells you a lot, he just doesn't give a fuck, whether it's meant or not.

And, yes you do sit him down and tell him you can no longer be in a relationship with someone who smells bad. He's blatant enough to expect you to breath in his yuck so be blatant back.

[Somethingtodo]

You just have to give him the ultimatum - it is a deal breaker - he will be hideous to live with. He is now.

He needs to prove to you that he respects you - and he needs to start right now. What you expect of him is minimum standards in anybodies book - you need to tell him what is required and what happens if he doesnt comply ie relationship over. It is not petty.

[charliethebear]

His mum is very strange, she has very odd views on things and is very controlling and often would invade his privacy when he lived at home. I cant really think how else to describe her. His dad wasn't really involved in raising him, everything was left to his mum. She definitely thinks of him as the baby of the family? She still tries to buy him clothes and tries to style him. I doubt she would allow him to be unclean though but she's very tradition so maybe was just "men and boys are untidy"? But he was perfectly clean when he lived at home

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

That would be a deal breaker for me. Urghhh!! Any good points would be shadowed by his stench, I just couldn't get past it.

[charliethebear]

I dont think he knows hes unclean, from the way he spoke when I told him what should be done. I think he thinks hes fine

[charliethebear]

I'm just going to have to sit down and be frank with him. Theres no way I can do it tactfully is there? I really dont want to break up with him :( if I give him a time period how long should it be? Because if I tell him and he sorts himself out it could just be while its fresh on his mind and he'll just slip back in a week or two. How long do I give him to remain clean

[TheCraicDealer]

You can be messy at home and still maintain personal hygiene though, I'd think that's the way most "messy" people are. The deliberate smelly-person thing takes it to another level; it's really arrogant, like they're entitled to make others bask in their odour.

He sounds like he has a lot of issues. You're what, 21? Imagine bringing him to meet your colleagues when you land your first job out of uni, texting him reminders throughout the day to shower before he leaves. Or having people round to a flat you share together and worrying because you didn't get a chance to check the condition of the toilet before the doorbell went. You can't make him see that these things are important, he clearly doesn't give a shit. You do not need a fixer-upper at this time of your life.

[MissBattleaxe]

I had a boyfriend like this once and it was neither laziness nor depression. He had this kind of "this is how I am, take it or leave it" attitude, almost like a defiance of convention. "If people can't accept me, that's their problem" was his take, as if he thought personal hygiene was overrated or unnecessary.

It was a deal breaker for me. I made an effort for him and he didn't make one back. Funnily enough, he was really upset when I left but didn't change.

OP this won't change, it will just be the reason why you break up in future after further frustration and heartache. Cut your losses now.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

The time period should be 'from now.' His response should give you an indication of how serious he takes your relationship .

[MissBattleaxe]

How long do I give him to remain clean

You've already asked him and he hasn't changed. That's your future.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

I would be very frank to the point of blunt - I can't have sex with you when you don't wash and clean your teeth or keep your clothes clean as I find it repulsive.

Seriously OP, what are his good points?