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Cheating husband

(21 Posts)
Redgrapess Tue 21-Jul-15 05:43:14

I'm looking for some help/advice, please.

No admission of wrong doing yet but there are text messages to BIL asking him

Redgrapess Tue 21-Jul-15 06:02:21

I'll try again..

I'm looking for some help/advice, please.

Married for 2 years. 9month old DS and found out I am pregnant 2 days ago and no one knows yet.

No admission of wrong doing yet but there are text messages to BIL asking if he had a condom and to go and get it.

I saw these messages a few hours ago, woke DH up to show him his phone and he dismissed them saying some incoherent nonsense.

I have packed his clothes into black bags and they're in our kitchen. Kicked him out of our bed and told him he will call BIL or FIL to come and get his things and he can leave quietly or I will call the police to remove him from our home. (His family live some hundred miles away) He said I should call the police right then. Told him I am pregnant.

He slept on the sofa for a while while I typed and retyped this message then I decided he should go and sleep with DS (co-sleep) so I can have a bath. My plan was to get dressed and ready and when DS wakes up go to my DM's.
Then I thought "Hang on. I have done nothing wrong here. Why should I leave?" and I also am not ready for my immediate family to become involved in this.

So what do I do?
How does he leave the house so I can have time to myself to just breathe? I don't want to think about whether I want to leave or stay but I just cannot even stand knowing that he is in the same place as me right now.

I have absolutely No idea what to do. I just need him to leave.

I am self-employed and since my maternity pay stopped I have worked 3 days so far. Never been in debt up until the start of the year as DH had been made redundant a while before DS was born and has just started working a few months ago. As a result, I am dangerously close to the limits for my overdraft and credit card. I have had to cancel a day's work for tomorrow.

Imlookingatboats Tue 21-Jul-15 06:20:21

I'm not sure you can force him to leave, you own the house or are renting it jointly, right? So the problem is that he isn't under any obligation to leave.

Is there any way you can GET him to go? Tell him you'll tell his mother/family about the message?

You said he was incoherent - is he drunk?

Janette123 Tue 21-Jul-15 06:47:29

You need to see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. Take the phone with the message on it as evidence. They will send a letter and ask him to leave. They will also advise you re benefits etc.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

Redgrapess Tue 21-Jul-15 06:55:18

Thank you for your reply.

We rent and the tenancy is in both our names.

I have sent a screenshot of the text messages between him and his brother to his brother, father and stepmother.

He was incoherent because he had been asleep and he pretty much mumbled.

My DM is the type to arrive and Demand he leaves (all my immediate family live quite close to us). FIL and stepMIL will most likely tell me/us to be good Christians, pray, forgive and speak to someone from church. I'm hoping I can convince BIL and FIL to at least drive here and convince him it's best he leaves.

It's not so much that I want him to leave to end our marriage but I just need him to not be in our house so I can process what has happened. I pretty much have no faith in hearing any admission of wrong doing from him so I'd rather he just left for now.

Redgrapess Tue 21-Jul-15 07:01:26

Thank you Janette. I have started researching the divorce process and will have a look at solicitors in the morning. I'm worried about starting a process I may not be able to afford in the next month or two.

What do I do regarding the bills he is responsible for? If he refuses to remove his

Redgrapess Tue 21-Jul-15 07:06:51 and change some to mine and to cancel other bills I won't need?

He gets paid at the end of the month but I have no hope in him helping me to repay my overdraft or credit card (which we used jointly for household expenses and we're due to pay off in the next 2 months).

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to leave the house and still give me some money towards expenses when he gets paid this month?

I'm now wishing I hadn't cancelled going to work today.

RealityCheque Tue 21-Jul-15 07:14:35

Sorry to hear about this. He sounds a right ��

He is under no obligation at all to leave. The police can't make him. A solicitor will know this - they can ASK him to but that's it. Showing a solicitor the text message will achieve nothing - it will not influence the divorce.

Sending the screenshot to his family was a mistake. By doing so, you perhaps lost the only bargaining chip you had.

If you are desperate for time alone to think things through then its better that you leave temporarily. Go and stay with family.

ALaughAMinute Tue 21-Jul-15 07:29:47

No admission of wrong doing yet but there are text messages to BIL asking if he had a condom and to go and get it.

Perhaps I'm being a bit thick but I don't understand what this text message means . Do you think he's having an affair? Have you asked him if he's having an affair?

Redgrapess Tue 21-Jul-15 07:39:14

Thank you Reality.

Would you please elaborate on how could I have used the messages as a bargaining chip?

I can go and stay at DM's house but I'm not sure I can handle the humiliation at this point. We spent the whole day as a famity at DM's house yesterday and I'm not even sure how to tell my mum.
I also feel it might be better to invite my mother here and tell her what has happened. Maybe he'll agree to leave then? Out of guilt? I don't even know.

So I have to spend the next X days with him here unless I leave with DS myself?
I don't know why I thought it would be a lot more simple and straightforward.

I don't think I'm prepared to hear his story today. I don't know if I can. Is that a mistake?

What have other people in this position done?

Redgrapess Tue 21-Jul-15 07:45:19

ALaugh, I don't think he's having an affair but I think he had sex with someone a few days ago.

He went away for his brother's graduation in another city and stayed with him for 2 nights. The text messages were sent during this time.

Redgrapess Tue 21-Jul-15 07:53:56

For the sake of maintaining my dignity I'm most likely going to listen to whatever he has to say when he wakes up and then go with my DS to stay with my DM.

NewsreaderChic Tue 21-Jul-15 07:54:30

Could it have been that his brother looked like he was going to have unprotected sex with someone and your DH told him to get a condom? Obviously it depends on how the texts read.

what did he say when you asked him to leave? If he was half asleep is it worthwhile waking him and telling him calmly that he needs to go for a while to give you space.

butterflygirl15 Tue 21-Jul-15 08:07:02

do you want to stay in the house alone? Or is finding another rental possible? If you work more than 16 hours a week you can claim working and child tax credits now. And maintenance from him.

I think you are right to ask him to leave - I just hope he does.

Redgrapess Tue 21-Jul-15 08:16:32

Newsreader, I hate to admit it but you're right. That Is a possibility because the texts were not in English. They were in our first language (which I can speak but not very well). It could very well be what you suggested.

I don't want to appear as if I'm Hoping DH was asking for the condom for himself but we have been going through a rough patch for the last 3 months or so. I desperately Want this all to be a simple case of me misunderstanding but unfortunately I'm pretty confident of my translation of the texts. I also have a nagging feeling deep down that DH wanted the condom for himself and he did have sex with someone else.

I sent the screenshot to BIL, FIL and stepMIL so they could see/read for themselves. I'm pretty confident none of them will call me today and say "Your DH was Obviously telling his brother to use a condom and if you understood the language better then you wouldn't have texted us at a ridiculous hour, you crazy woman!". But again, I'm desperately hoping that they all do.

I feel so stupid.

Redgrapess Tue 21-Jul-15 08:21:33

Thank you Butterflygirl.
In the long-term I am happy to stay in our house alone with DS. I have no reason to move (my immediate family are all nearby) whereas DH's family live quite far from us and he has no reason to stay in the city apart from us and his job.

For now, I just prefer that he leaves willingly to give me time and space to process everything. Nothing unreasonable, maybe a week at the most.

I'm probably over thinking this since I've been awake since 3am. But I did ask him to leave while he was half asleep so maybe when he wakes up he'll just agree to give me space.

pocketsaviour Tue 21-Jul-15 08:38:05

Sorry you're going through this OP.

If you ring a few local solicitors you should be able to arrange free half-hour appointment. This doesn't tie you into anything. If finances are short then you can handle most of the divorce yourselves - without any property to split, it should be a relatively simple matter.

(That of course is if you definitely want to split. Your decision may rest on how he behaves over the next week or so and if he tells you the truth or lies, denies and minimises as most cheats do.)

Penfold007 Tue 21-Jul-15 08:45:17

Why were you snooping through his phone, what's the back story?

SomewhereIBelong Tue 21-Jul-15 09:03:47

You have a suspicion and you are investigating divorce and telling family? All seems a bit sudden.

Vernazza Tue 21-Jul-15 10:05:33

Redgrapes as Somewhere said, calm down first before doing ANYTHING. You aren't thinking straight right now (understandably!)

Be prepared for the "I needed the condom as I just wanted to masturbate" lie. Sending you a PM.

ALaughAMinute Tue 21-Jul-15 11:31:37

I think you should get your facts right before you make any rash decisions. Has your DH said anything about the texts other than that they were incoherent nonsense? What does he mean by that? Get him to explain.

Why did you want to call the police to get him out of the house? Is he violent? If you think you are in danger call Women's Aid and they will be able to help you.

Hoping you're okay OP. flowers

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