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Facingthefuture

(10 Posts)
thefinalcurtain Tue 21-Jul-15 00:53:25

I've name changed for this, but do post regularly.

After yet another row tonight, I think I have to face facts- my marriage isn't going to work. We're just not going to make it. Neither of us is a psychopath, or a cheater or anything really bad. But it just isn't going to work out. We don't make one another happy. We're making one another really miserable.

But I really don't know what to do next.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 21-Jul-15 01:02:16

Does your h feel the same way? Do you have dc?

thefinalcurtain Tue 21-Jul-15 01:14:57

I don't think he does. He just thinks we should get on with pretending everything is ok and it will work out. I gave that a go for about a year, then for about the last 6 months I have been trying to get us to talk about what we want, how to fix things. He just dismisses this as me being controlling, or sometimes after a lot of rowing agrees to try doing something else like spending some time together, but that lasts maybe for an evening if I'm lucky.

No DC. He is now very set against them. When we met he said he could go either way. I wasn't sure if I wanted them or not. When we had been together for about a year we tried for a few months to conceive, then his sister got pregnant and he became less keen. We talked about that for a while and he became more and more set against children. I wanted to continue to try to conceive naturally, see what happened and be happy either way. I knew I wouldn't want to have IVF as Iwould just accept what happened naturally. Now he is very open that he doesn't want them. I was a bit rocked by that. I'm not sure why. It could be whether it is because being told "no kids" makes me realise that I want them. It could be because I interpret it as "I don;t love you enough to have kids with you".

goddessofsmallthings Tue 21-Jul-15 04:32:22

It's sounds more like living death tedium than a marriage.

Does he enhance your life in ways you haven't revealed here? If not, I suggest you set yourself free of this stultifying life and start living with love and laughter.

If you want to flog a dead horse try a last ditch attempt to revive your exhausted and exhausting marriage you could try couples counselling but, given his attitude, I supect you'll have to make it dealbreaker before he agrees to attend.

How much old are you both?

And do you think you want kids?

But that's almost irrelevant. OP, there's a mantra here on MN: you don't need anybody's permission to decide your marriage isn't working for you.

For me the deal-breaker would be his unwillingness to work on things. And whilst I second PP about couples counselling, I'd add that I don't fancy the chances of a marriage where one party has to be dragged to it.

Janette123 Tue 21-Jul-15 07:09:36

thefinalcurtain,
I am sorry you are going through this.

If you have opposing view about having children then I don't see it working - I'm sorry.

Please see a solicitor and get advice re divorce. There is no reason to put yourself through any more of this angst. You've done your best but it just isn't working, so don't blame yourself.

hidingbehindsmile Tue 21-Jul-15 07:44:32

It seems to me like its time for you to move forward with your life, you want different things and as others have said there is only so long you can carry on in that situation before you start resenting each other.

I was recently in a similar situation, wanted more than my partner at the time did despite over the years him saying different. Following advice on here, I plucked up the courage to have the conversation and we did amicably split up a few days later after giving each other space. I cant tell you how much better I feel now.

thefinalcurtain Tue 21-Jul-15 14:52:26

Thank you.

He came home from work at lunchtime today, to say sorry that we rowed last night. He said he is starting to understand why it scares me when we row much more than it scares him (my mum and dad got divorced when I was little, his mum and dad are still together). He said he gets that my parent's divorce means that I don't like us to row often, and if we do, I want it either to be resolved so we've learned something or for it to end with us laughing it off and cuddling one another, rather than him just walking away to calm down and us forgetting about it til next time (that's how his parent's handle conflict). He really does love me, I know that.

I'm 40, he's 38. I think it is becoming increasingly obvious we want different things from life. His emphasis is very much on career progression, financial security. I want a loving family life. I thought the two might be a good complement to one another, but now I see that we go about things very differently in the day to day and it causes us both distress.

I come from a very chaotic but fiercely loyal and loving background, and he comes from a very, very stable, "play by the rules and everything will be ok" background. It doesn't help that I am his first proper relationship (he only had two before me, one that lasted about a month, one that lasted maybe 3 or 4 but that was long distance). Sometimes it feels a bit like I am married to a teenager who is just learning about romantic relationships and the opposite sex now. I never thought I would want someone with "baggage" but people who had relationships before kind of learn that some things just don't fly with anyone. And people who have had difficulties or loss or their hearts broken kind of understand on an emotional level that other people are fragile, and he doesn't "get" that. He understands it on an intellectual level but he has no experience to relate it to, he doesn't really know how it feels.

But then from time to time he has an emotional breakthrough, realises he's been doing something that has been hurting me even though he didn't mean to, apologises and changes. And he does change when that happens. But I don't know if I can keep doing that til he gets to a more adult and less teenage level about relationships. But I do love him.

I suggested counselling before, but he didn't want to do that.And I agree, if someone isn't keen on doing that it isn't going to work.

I'm so tired out by all this. I have IBS and it is so related to our ups and downs. We have a row and it flares so badly and I am really ill for 2 or 3 days. It's making me unable to work effectively as my sleep pattern is so unstable amongst other things. And his response to that is to work really hard so if I get really ill he can support us, and I do get that and see the love in it. But I would rather we rowed less and I didn't get ill so much?

He was away for work last week and my tummy was so much better. I slept properly every night, I managed to get to the gym, I just functioned better. One night I just had a glass of wine and bag of crisps and watched a film without thinking about it. I haven't done that for so long because wine usually causes a massive IBS flare. And the thought popped into my head "this is what my life would be like in the evening if I was single, this isn't so bad".

The thing is, I know I am hard work for him too. I have all this baggage he doesn't have. My life and thoughts are so much complicated that his. He is very simple, usually very easy going, reliable, hard working, loving in a very protector/provider kind of way. But the life is draining out of me.

pocketsaviour Tue 21-Jul-15 14:59:24

He was away for work last week and my tummy was so much better.

This was the kind of epiphany that ended my marriage, too. My H went away for a week to "visit a friend" (actually to bang someone else, but I was so fed up of him by then that I didn't care.) About halfway through the week a colleague mentioned how calm and well-rested I looked. I suddenly realised it was the happiest, most stress-free week I'd had since... that time my H was in hospital for a week having surgery. confused

thefinalcurtain Tue 21-Jul-15 15:40:33

Thanks pocketsaviour. That has been what has been nagging at me and you have confirmed that it would be wise to take note of that.

He is going away for a few days for work again in a couple of weeks. I know it is definitely for work as sometimes I go with him. But I am supposed to go with him this time as I have some free days. I think I will find a reason not to go and see if I get the same sense of calm/relief. I have made some changes to my diet recently and it is just conceivable that the feeling better was down to that, so I want to double check before I start on the exit strategy.

You have really helped me find out something productive to do with that nagging thought, thank you.

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