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excusing inability to say the right things

(24 Posts)
timetowalkaway Tue 21-Jul-15 00:01:02

I have been with dp for 6 years. We have gone through many things together. Mainly his problems, needs and career change.

With this dp isn't currently living with myself and child.(not his).His career for the next 3 years will most likely mean not living together. But i do see him every 2nd weekend.
It is tough keeping a long distance relationship going, at times I love my independence but of course there are times when i miss him terribly. DP isn't very good at expressing himself emotionally on phone/text. When I'm with him he's more forthcoming and loving but I have always known he finds it hard to express himself or say the right things to make me feel loved or missed.
For the last 2 months I know dp has been under stress, however i too have and keep everything afloat and keep smiling and putting an effort into our relationship. We truly are great friends, have a laugh, could talk about any subject and good sex life. But i felt the first tinge of him not being committed as he used to be when he bought me nothing for my birthday 4weeks ago. in fact he forgot to even wish me happy birthday on the day.I let this go and he had said he would eventually get around to getting me something. it's only the thought that counted, i don't need at this age much, but feeling that but thought into it like i do on his, would have been nice.
So i have been feeling a little cooler. I would be the one in the relationship who's the fixer and the positive one. So i have kept busy and we would text morning afternoon and then briefly in evening. We used to ring more often but i know he is under pressure and feel i'll ring at wrong time so i leave it to him. i bit the bullet last thur evening and rang. he was exausted from work so i didn't stay long. We have texted sporadically since then. I didn't seen him due to his work this weekend gone.
this evening he texted that he was heading to bed as up early. i replied we should talk more. i'm not sure where this came from as we hadn't spoken since thurs buti felt a need to say it. we used to talk alot more on phone. i do understand work is tough but texting just isn't the same.
his reply was: it's always the same with you, we need to talk more, i'm talking to you every f***ing day.

with this i didn't reply. i was utter taken aback and not quite the response from the man I love.

what would our next move be as i'm lost for words and not sure if i should put it down to stress on his side or that he obviously doesn't feel the same anymore but has forgotten to tell me.

Frostycake Tue 21-Jul-15 01:39:31

he's not showing any signs at all that he loves you.

Im sorry.

What does he do ? / How far away from you does he live and work?

Does he do anything for you at all?

heyday Tue 21-Jul-15 02:00:59

There are lots of positives in your relationship from what you have said but there are definite negative ones too.
It sounds like, the way the relationship is organised, suits his needs and life style. THe way he is, is working fine for him and he has no need/desire for this to change. He is very busy with his own life and it sounds like you have to fit into his lifestyle. I can't see that there is any prospect of him changing really, for the foreseeable future, perhaps forever.
You don't seem to be wanting or needing too much from him and it sounds as if this set up, on the whole, suits you both. However, you do need to be expecting some basic respect and care. Using the expletive was totally unnecessary. It seems as if he is becoming more distant and more frustrated in the relationship. Somehow I do think you need to be able to sit down and have a discussion about where you are at in this relationship and what you are needing/expecting. From that discussion you will be able to determine whether this Union has any real future in it. Judging by what you have written this is a man who has his own life very much going on and you are pretty low down in his priorities. On the other hand he could be working his butt off to establish his career so that he can help provide a future for yourself and your child and the stress is really getting to him. Only honest, heart felt communication between you can show you the way forward.

Janette123 Tue 21-Jul-15 07:41:57


"his reply was: it's always the same with you, we need to talk more, i'm talking to you every f***ing day."

^^ that is downright rude and disrespectful.

I also see this ;-

"We have gone through many things together. Mainly his problems, needs and career change."

So it seems that most of this relationship has been about you supporting him?

"But i felt the first tinge of him not being committed as he used to be when he bought me nothing for my birthday 4weeks ago. in fact he forgot to even wish me happy birthday on the day."

The first time my exH did that ^^ was when he had started his affair. I'm sorry but your guy doesn't seem on board here. It all seems a bit one-sided to me.

I would totally stop contacting him and see what he does. If he steps up to the plate and starts getting in touch, you can take it from there. If not you will have to brace yourself for the end of the relationship - I'm sorry.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Tue 21-Jul-15 08:07:30

"...he bought me nothing for my birthday 4weeks ago. in fact he forgot to even wish me happy birthday on the day.I let this go..."
Is this the first time you've let bad behaviour like this go?

"...and he had said he would eventually get around to getting me something..."
Eventually? hmm Charming! I would expect a grovelling apology for a missed birthday in an established relationship. Did you get one?

I think you both need to sit down and discuss expectations and what you both want from the relationship. Long distance relationships require better communication and more effort to keep going and he needs to understand that. It's as much his responsibility as yours to do so; just because he's busy with work does not excuse him.

timetowalkaway Tue 21-Jul-15 12:19:29

thanks so much foryour responses. i suppose i needed to read it and hear that this behaviour is wrong and i'm not just being unreasonable. to answer questions.

it is not the first time he has forgotten to mark an anniversary ie xmas , birthday. he does eventually get something but i feel then that it's due to me pointing out to him, which really takes the joy out of it all. he is well able to tell me when it's his birthday coming up and would expect something. so this is what i find so upsetting.
yes he has always been very much an excuse man, i get over this at times and look at the bigger picture but recently it has me questioning his loyalty and love.

we are 2 hrs apart at the moment and all he is concentrating on is career. i understanding this and have been incredibly supportive in every way. he would have been the more needy person in the relationship during this time and it was tough supporting him emotionally. But i felt the day would come when it was worth it.
He hasn't close friends /family so i'm surprised he treats me this way when i'm the one person who has been there for him.

Similar episode happened a month ago and i did explain to him that his language and angry tone wasn't justified. he saw my point but never apologised, i told him i wasn't going to continue a relationship where i felt so down the list of priorities and spoke to like that. he asked me to come see him and everything was fine.
sometimes i think he finds the long distance hard and this is his frustration, but i have made so many excuses now, i don't behave this way when frustrated at him, i'm think i have got so tired of expecting a change and it never happening, itwasn't always like this, when i tell him he can leave he doesn't want to, but why on earth would you want to stay when you speak to someone with such anger in tone. I have to keep saying to myself, i don't deserve this.
i havent contacted him and i know he'll stay away and later i'll eventually get a text with the line, are you in a huff?
that's how it goes. i explain and he rolls out the excuses and poor him.
it's like dealing with another child right now.

timetowalkaway Tue 21-Jul-15 12:21:36

janette - i have suspected that alright. an affair or ea would tie in here!

Annarose2014 Tue 21-Jul-15 12:28:00

And how will you answer the "are you in a huff" text?

If I were in this relationship I'd answer "of course. I think we've done all we're able to for each other. I truly wish you the best of luck at work. Xxx"

timetowalkaway Tue 21-Jul-15 12:42:25

not sure how i'll answer. if i put what you wrote anna which i have before, he will say oh that's up to you.
so i look like the one who has ended the relationship for no reason.
for me he needs to finally see his behaviour affects us. so i must think of a way to put this back in his corner to think. it isn't playing games, i'm too old for that but it's phrasing it in such a way that he realises his actions and there are consequences to them.

Pastaeater Tue 21-Jul-15 12:57:11

Just a thought.
Wait till you see him again, at a time when you are both reasonably relaxed. Then calmly ask him how he feels and what he wants from the relationship. (Don't try to do it by phone or text).
This gives you both a chance to discuss/resolve without too much panic or stress, but I think you may have to be ready to go if he doesn't give you a reasonably considered and unselfish response.
Good luck, but don't settle for less than you deserve!

Dynomite Tue 21-Jul-15 12:58:50

The thing about making him understand the consequence, thatbhis behaviour isnbat etc is that I don't think he cares. He doesn't care about your feelings, about upsetting you, even when he understands something he did was bad he didn't apologize. Because he doesn't actually care about your feelings. And he never will. I know it's a very painful thing to hear.

I think you would be better off breaking it off and never speaking to him again. Cut your losses and move on. Focus on yourself not on him.

pocketsaviour Tue 21-Jul-15 15:35:00

so i look like the one who has ended the relationship for no reason.

First of all - so what?

Secondly - it's not for no reason. It's because he can't be bothered to do anything for you, can't even get you a birthday present or even just a card, and swears at you when you ask him to show some emotional commitment.

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but he is not your partner. He is a casual boyfriend who keeps stringing you along because the sex is good. He has no intention of entering a deeper relationship with you.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Tue 21-Jul-15 17:01:12

He has to understand that he is wrong to be rude and inconsiderate to you before you can dump him?

You think you have no reason to dump him? Even though he is breathtakingly rude and inconsiderate to you?

Where did you learn about relationships?

If your bloke is rude and inconsiderate you dump him for being rude and inconsiderate. Even if he thinks his behaviour is fine.

RandomMess Tue 21-Jul-15 17:07:11

Pick up your self-respect from where you've left it and remind yourself you are worth more than being treated like that.

He doesn't appear to put any effort at all into the relationship so why waste your energy on it. Find someone who wants the same things in a relationship MUTUAL love, caring and support.

Olddear Tue 21-Jul-15 19:13:15

So, be the one to end it. You have a reason. He isn't nice to you. Honestly, that's enough.

timetowalkaway Wed 22-Jul-15 00:04:53

Of course my rational brain tells me to just end it, but you have to remember that i have spent years wit hthis man hoping we had a future, helping him and supporting him to get there as i did believe him when he would say that was what he wanted. I know relationships end and they would have had all the hope in the beginning and never expected it to end.

So for that reason i want to be able to say to him this is your behaviour, accept it is wrong and realise why we have a problem.
If he doesn't then fine.i'll walk away. I'm adamant about that because i don't want to waste a minute longer with someone who has stopped caring.
In the past i could have tried harder at relationships and i feel here i want to be able to say it wasn't my fault. i tried everything and to know for sure. I believe this time this is the end and i just want to feel if and when i do meet someone else I have no baggage. He hasn't contacted and neither have I since that text.

ratsintheattic Wed 22-Jul-15 07:49:11

I think you should never contact him again. You have tried, you've spent years trying and there no shame in walking away. You should be proud of yourself for doing it. I'll bet your friends and family will admit they thought you were too good for him once you've ditched his sorry arse.

WorzelsCornyBrows Wed 22-Jul-15 08:38:15

Let him be the fixer for a change, if he chooses not to fix this, you have your answer.

Google sunk-cost fallacy.

temporarilyjerry Wed 22-Jul-15 10:01:18

He will not change. He will not accept his behaviour is the problem. You did not cause this. You cannot fix him.

timetowalkaway Wed 22-Jul-15 23:57:13

you were all right and I had hoped he would have had time to reflect.
he replied today with 'you're quiet'.

i replied i found his language offensive, hurtful etc. etc.

his response was o here we go again.

so i asked him why he has got so cool, why no birthday pressent and he replied that he felt i had become too clingy.

I was aghast at this comment and wondered if he had got a bang on head. If anything he was the one during our relaitonship that needed reassurance and ego stroke and support. At times he was clingy but i was always there and put it down to him needing my support.

i told him that recently i had been going thruogh alot in work and felt I couldn't even discuss that as he wouldn't want to hear it.

he replied there was nothing he could do about that. I should have told him. But i replied that he doesn't seem to notice much apart from his own issues. When had he stopped caring.

his reply was when i started annoying him by asking too much.

Again he couldn't pin point when and a judge would have ruled he was talking through his ass. it as at this point i knew in my heart, i had lost even the shred of the old him, this new selfish man that had been creeping in over thelast 2 years was finally visible. How had I not seen the manipulation and the selfishness to only be concentrated on his needs. And for him now to say it was me asking too much. in other words he didn't need me anymore. his career up and running and wants only a woman to slot in with his routine. Gone were the conversations of us and future and here now was a man who didn't filter anything. Cruel words came next about how i have nothing new to say so no point in phoning like we used to. That the help i gave was in the past and to get over it.
I realised my future and man i thought was the one was gone. I had held even a little hope for him to realise my importance. But i have spent the rest of today in a daze annoyed at myself for being a fool.
I honestly don't think i'll ever trust or let myself believe a man again.

HowDoesThatWork Thu 23-Jul-15 00:50:11

Your username is on the money. There is nothing here, move along.

WorzelsCornyBrows Fri 24-Jul-15 10:04:31

OP he is not all men, he's just a shit one. Leave him to his miserable, selfish life and start doing what makes you happy.

Pagwatch Fri 24-Jul-15 10:19:18

This relationship was not a waste of time if you learn from it.

There is a tone all through your posts of your having suppressed your own issues, prioritised him, cared about his feeling almost above your own.
It's not uncommon but ime it seldom leads to a reciprocal response.

It is perfectly reasonable to say (as I have always done) "look, I know you are stressed and tired but we have talked through your issues,I'm have done stuff to support you and been an attentive ear. Now you are going to listen to my day and then we are going to chat about something else'

Relationships are about balance. If you endlessly put yourself second then you become second best, less important.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 24-Jul-15 10:38:39

That the help i gave was in the past and to get over it.

Well, presumably the help you gave was freely offered and he doesn't owe you a relationship because of it, as you know as well as anyone. But that was an incredibly rude and dismissive comment. He might at least offer a bit of courtesy in return. I suppose it's a good thing he didn't, though, as it makes it easier for you to put all hope to bed. There may or may not be another woman on the scene, as you say it would make sense, but in any case you can't compete with the true love of his life - himself!

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