Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
When do you accept its the end?(8 Posts)
This is going to be long and a good waffle so apologies!
I've been with DH almost 8years, married for 6. We have 1 dd (2) and 2dogs, 1cat.
We get on most of the time, build up retirement plans etc and have a good laugh. But I feel the more time goes on the more I am unappreciated.
I don't currently work (not through lack of trying) so I am in charge of the house, which is fair enough. But I rarely get any help. We argue over ridiculous stuff like washing up. Its like he's allergic to it. We used to do whoever cooks the other washes, but since having dd we now have her bath time to organise, again, I understand this, and he will (sometimes reluctantly) do bath or washing up. But anything else its not worth my breath on even asking. I go out for a couple of hrs 1/2 times a week to do exercise. He has fully encouraged this. I leave the house around 1800, which is around the washing/bathing time. I come home to washing up still needing to be done and his reasoning is he was 'looking after dd'. He must there for think that A) I do naff all all day as looking after dd is ever so strenuous. Or B) we have house fairies that do all the loads of washing and cleaning etc. He has told me on several occasions that I don't do anything. I threaten to do nothing but can't allow myself to do it.
He also thinks I have a wonderful life being a sahm. Yes, my dad is gorgeous, cute, funny and a monkey, but its flipping hard work! I take her to groups but they are just filled with boasting mothersmothers(each of them are lovely but its just the convo!) and we have no adult talk. I only go as A) dd loves going and B) I'm a military wife and feel I should mix with the military community.
I've suffered from sexual anxiety for the past 4 years, have no idea where its come from, seen psychologists and several doctors. I know this has affected our relationship, but dd has been very suplortive with helping me get through this.
I am due to start uni in September. Atm, I cannot see how the house is going to function with dd being so lazy with housework. He will be ready for work with 20 mins spare. He then sits on the guitar playing, when I see it as time he could maybe help doing a load of washing or feeding the dogs to try help my morning be a little less manic.
Weekends are the worse for mess. He's off work so wants to relax and I want time to relax too. So Monday comes and it takes all week to get to normal again.
I've tried bringing this up several times but it causes arguments, he tells me if I don't like it leave. I've threatened to so many times, only thing that has stopped me is lack of money to even drive to my parents. Then its the hassle of the dogs and dd too.
Another example (yes another!) We went camping for a long weekend this weekend. I have to pack all the bags and organise food etc and he loads the car. Unloaded today and there's been no help with unpacking the bags. There's stuff everywhere and I know he's just left it as he knows I have to do it tomorrow. The weekend away was OK, a little festival with friends. But he found it as an opportunity to drink loads, and stay out later, knowing I'd look after dd. If I said anything he tell me to stop being controlling and to relax and have a good time. But I'm too responsible to get wasted being in charge of a 2yo!
I've thought about leaving him several times, and if I'm honest, I reckon hes thought about it too although he denies it. And one of the main reasons I've not gone is having no where to live. And not being able to cope with uni by myself. I keep telling myself that every marriage has ups and downs and that I'm overreacting, but at times, I feel as tho I'd be better off without him as he does very little anyway.
Sorry for long post, don't really know what my question is, just needing to off load and seek advice (on something Lol.) X
In your shoes I'd get to my parents somehow, defer my entry to uni for a year and get away from this man. He doesn't respect you.
This guy is a lazy @e$e who doesn't respect you.
"I've tried bringing this up several times but it causes arguments, he tells me if I don't like it leave."
"The weekend away was OK, a little festival with friends. But he found it as an opportunity to drink loads, and stay out later, knowing I'd look after dd."
He doesn't listen to you and isn't prepared to work at the marriage.
I agree with euphemia, put uni on hold and move out to your parents until you can get your own place.
The cat may be a casualty in this but the Cats Protection rehome cats all the time due to relationship break-ups.
Might also be worth reflecting on whether your sexual anxiety corresponds with your growing awareness that you're in a marriage that you're not happy with and involves having sex with someone who you feel takes you for granted, doesn't respect your feelings, does little around the house and threatens you with nowhere to live if you complain. Wouldn't exactly have many woman thrilled for the prospect of sex. It sounds awful. His suggestion that you just relax and have a good time sounds like he wants to have a good time and you should be quiet and stop complaining and ruining his good time. That's not a relationship. You poor thing. I don't think you're overreacting.
I think you accept its the end now. He sounds disrespectful!
I was a bit peed off last night with the lack of help so felt I went on a bit too much! Don't get me wrong, dh can be very lazy when it comes to housework. He causes a lot of the mess too which doesn't help. But he's fab in other ways so its not all bad. I do also think he actually suffers from male pmt. I find there's usually 1 week every month or so where I find him hard work, he's very grumpy and miserable and gets irritated easily, which obviously causes more arguments. I do feel unappreciated at times, being a sahm can be a very thankless task!
I've thought about delaying uni, but its already been delayed 3years by having dd, and to have to go through applying to a different uni again will be soul destroying! I will go away next time he tells me too for a few days. I almost did a few weeks ago but bottled it last minute. I think if I went (with intention of returning but him not knowing) that'd be enough to buck his ideas up. We had a ridiculous argument last year, he really upset me and said some horrible things and I told him I was thinking of leaving, I'd had enough. That helped. But where we were posted to then, logistically to get away from our location was a complete nightmare (I'm talking planes and boats!) So was easier to stay.
On the sexual anxiety front, you may be right. I wouldn't say its been an unhappy marriage for 4 years tho. I found it hard to find other men attractive (even celebrities, but captain jack sparrow was always there!) But now I'm finding other men attractive, my anxiety is dropping, I no longer physically push dh away all the time, but its always on my say so.
I always get down when we argue, he just knows what to say to get to me, and I never win and I just feel like a piece of dirt on his shoe.(which I hate as I love winning! But can't be bothered with arguments) but today is a better day. It will last for a while then I shall go through this all again. X
Oh HotFudge you shouldn't have to leave or threaten to for him to "buck his ideas up". When you bring it up that you're unhappy in any aspect it ought to be taken seriously by your DH out of love.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.