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Ex husband insisting he needs money from me

(105 Posts)
ginfairy79 Mon 20-Jul-15 22:15:43

I'll try and keep this short and factual as am far too tied up in the emotions and anxiety of the situation.

Divorced from ex H over 2 years ago. Kind of amicably. Two DC. He has them on average 2 nights a week, sometimes more, but all the school runs are done by me. I do most of holiday care. He's having 1 week off with them first week of August.

Ex H in a lot of debt although has good job. Earns around 26k. We live in Scotland do that's a good wage m

I earn about 40k but get the child benefit.

I pay for everything - the childminder fees (£750 a month), all dinner money, trips, stuff they need etc.

I don't ask him for maintenance ... and here's the problem - for the 3.5 years we've been separated he has insisted I need to give him money or he can't afford to live and will stop being able to have the DC overnight. This has been up to £500 a month but is now less.

Thing is he now has a very public relationship with girlfriend (18 months) - lots of stuff done as a 'family' etc with her 2 small children. Lots of nice days out to places that cost lots of money to get in and he gets the train very regularly to meet her as she lives an hour or so away. I know he paints me as the mad ex so not very grateful of my support. They're not living together though but I feel that they have plenty of money to pay for their lives themselves.

I can't think straight any more. I have debts and could do with that money but is it best for the DC not to rock the boat and carry on giving it to him? They seem to like their time with him.

I'm in a relationship too and this definitely isn't a case of wanting him back. I'm actually happy he seems to be settled by then he should consider his other responsibilities first. I just am worried for the DC what will happen if I stop bankrolling him.

So wise mumsnetters what do I do?

TheWintersmith Mon 20-Jul-15 22:18:23

Children are not pay per view...

Pay your debts off first.

If he gives a fuck he will make contact happen.

DinosaursRoar Mon 20-Jul-15 22:21:16

Stop giving him any money. Contact CSA (or whatever it's called now) and get maintenance for your DCs.

Stop letting him spend your DCs money on someone else's DCs. Stop giving him your DCs security.

If he choses not to see his DCs that won't be your fault.

Anon4Now2015 Mon 20-Jul-15 22:22:26

Your ExH pays no maintenance for his own children and wants you to pay for his lifestyle including his dates with his current girlfriends??????

This is absolutely ridiculous and you need to stop it right now. In fact by giving him this money you are teaching your children that they are less important than him, as surely that money could be spent on them instead? You need to stop giving him money and put your DC and you first. Never mind not rocking the boat - what's best for your DC is that you prioritise them and yourself over their father.

If he paints you as the mad ex then so what? Anyone who hears the full story will know that is ridiculous. And remember that he is not living in poverty - I have friends raising children on half that income. He can live a nice life on that money without you giving him any more.

PrimalLass Mon 20-Jul-15 22:23:02

He is taking you for an utter mug.

starlight2007 Mon 20-Jul-15 22:24:44

ok this is emotional blackmail...

He should be paying you. Stop the gravy boat...Tell him you will no longer be funding his lifestyle you need to prioratise your children

If you have been divorced for 2 years .assume separated longer he has plenty time to sort himself out. If he refuses to see the children overnight he is showing more of his true colours. This will be his choice...Paying someone to have your children is called childcare.

Are you afraid of him as you are worried about rocking the boat?

ginfairy79 Mon 20-Jul-15 22:25:57

Thank you

I do actually have half a brain I promise.

I just have that horrible fear that he will stop and tell the DC and they'll blame me.

Or decide to go and live with him (I can catastrophise well)

Todayisnottheday Mon 20-Jul-15 22:26:21

Stop paying! He's your ex, he is an adult and he is responsible for his own life. Unless any of the debts are yours or joint then he needs to sort them himself. As adults we support ourselves and our children not ourselves, our children and anyone else we've spent a portion of time with.

If you are worried about handling it get your solicitor to write stating that all payments would now cease and any further discussion of payments would only be through your solicitor.

ginfairy79 Mon 20-Jul-15 22:27:43

... or others will see me as having stopped him seeing them

I know in reality it's his responsibility but ... but ...

DinosaursRoar Mon 20-Jul-15 22:31:29

If he choses to stop seeing his dcs over this, then he would have found a time at some point to stop. Think about it, if he had residency and you had access, how bad would things have to be to stop you seeing them? What would you sacrifice for them?

He loves them or he doesn't. Not much you can do about that, and bribing him to fake loving them would be helping no one.

butterflygirl15 Mon 20-Jul-15 22:34:55

bloody hell - so you don't claim maintenance and you pay HIM £500 a month? Are you actually serious?

I have no words. Stop paying, claim maintenance. He is not your problem. Unbelieveable.

And you are not responsible for his relationship with his children - that is his job. Not yours. How on earth would you not being his cashpoint stop him being a father

ginfairy79 Mon 20-Jul-15 22:39:26

I have cut down to £200 now if that's better (it's not I know).

I just don't want to deprive the DC of seeing him.

And you're all completely right. It's in my head that it's somehow my fault. And I need to change that. At least I know I'm not being unreasonable (I was too scared to post there)

I've calculated I've given him about 15k hmm

wheelycote Mon 20-Jul-15 22:41:23

STOP.....not a penny more!! to this disgusting human being. It is not your responsibility to pay him.
His relationship with his child is his responsibility...as sad as it is, if he pulls back his contact then that's his failing not yours.

Twinklestein Mon 20-Jul-15 22:42:12

It's not just emotional blackmail it's straight financial blackmail.

It doesn't matter what other people think, all that matters is the truth.

bloodyteenagers Mon 20-Jul-15 22:42:56

Here is food for thought.
After tax his 26k gives him 20,700 ish. You top him back up to 26k

Now here is the fucked up bit. You have main residence for the children. Pay all their costs, and children are expensive.
Your 40k gives you roughly 30,200.
From this you give him 6k a year.

Yup taking you down to 24k..

That truly is fucked up and the crappy bit of cb doesn't make a dent.
Tell him to fuck off, fund his own lifestyle and stop taking money from his kids mouths.

Any comments from others about your new arrangement, remind them one it has fuck all to do with them. 2) he pays nothing
3) he was taking money from his kids mouths and
4) if you could managed in less
Than him with full time care then he
Should find it a walk in the
Park.

What a fucking arsehole. This takes
Cocklodging to a whole new level

wheelycote Mon 20-Jul-15 22:44:28

No! your paying the father of your child to see his child. Be brave. Stop. Your child will not thank you for paying the dad to see them.

ChillySundays Mon 20-Jul-15 22:44:34

Please don't give him anymore money. You don't say how old your DC are - are they old enough to have the situation explained.

You could always threaten your ex with 'if you so much as slag me off to others I will go straight to the CSA. They won't care you earn more than him they will still award maintenance

Good luck

Twinklestein Mon 20-Jul-15 22:44:58

You need to cut down to giving him nothing.

You spent 15 grand on him that could have gone on your kids university fees or a deposit on their first property.

He's bleeding you of money on the threat of ditching his kids. It's despicable.

You pay them all this money and he could still ditch them.

starlight2007 Mon 20-Jul-15 22:51:27

I somehow think this is deeper... In nowhere on this planet does this seem reasonable but you are doubting yourself.

You are responsible for your relationship with the children ..He is responsible for his.

You should be claiming maintenance but one step at a time here.

As for what he tells his kids..What will he say I can't take you overnight because your mum won't pay me too.

notapizzaeater Mon 20-Jul-15 22:55:11

How old are the children could you explain to them and get the first shot in ?

CalleighDoodle Mon 20-Jul-15 22:55:19

This is so sad. He must have been some piece of work that you think this is what you deserve. You need to get child maintainance from him. Stip paying him anything. Tell him
Nothing else has changed, youre not stopping him seeing the children.

When you feel weak read bloodyteenagers post again and again. You are stopping his ridiculous financially controlling behaviour to help your children.

Skiptonlass Mon 20-Jul-15 23:13:22

I'm speechless. Stop paying him - don't cut it down, stop it. Then ask HIM for maintenance.

You're not stopping him seeing his kids, he is blackmailing you into paying for his lifestyle and using your children as pawns.

Utterly despicable.

butterflygirl15 Mon 20-Jul-15 23:37:38

Do you know how much maintenance he should be paying you - I bet it is more than £300 a month? And yet for some reason you believe you should be paying him? You need to stop and now.

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jul-15 23:39:38

If he is only seeing them to get the money from you and would stop, they really don't need him in their lives. He will let them down.

I think it's up to you whether you claim maintenance from him. I don't from my XH - he earns more, but has child 3 nightspot average but in blocks of time such that it feels to her that she equally has two homes.

But you absolutely should not be giving him money!

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jul-15 23:40:18

And nobody would judge you if you told them you'd stopped sending him money!

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