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I have failed my DS1

(55 Posts)
sixapples Mon 20-Jul-15 21:53:49

I have lurked here for a while but this will be my first post. I don't know who to ask for advice and none of my friends understand what this is like.

Sorry there is a lot of background to this but I don't want to dripfeed.

So when I was 14 I met my now ex dh who was 5 years older than me. He was lovely but could occasionally be a bit possessive but he was my first boyfriend and I thought it was normal.

I was pregnant with DS1 a year later. I was made to move in with ex. He became angrier and verbally abusive towards me. He made me be a SAHM and wouldn't let me leave the house without him. We married and he became more jealous and my self esteem was non-existent I was convinced that I had to be with ex or I'd have nothing.

He loved DS 1 though and they doted on each other. I had DD and DS2 with him and he was never fussed with them, he didn't change a nappy or play with them but he always had time for DS1 and he allowed him to do whatever He wanted.

As the years went by he became physically abusive (never in front of the DCs) he also began cheating on me but he convinced me that it was all my fault.

He invited a new friend (male) round one day who had just moved to the area, he was a nice guy who seemed to find ex a bit bossy and he didn't really gel with ex at all. A few weeks later I bumped into him at the supermarket (the one place I was allowed without ex) and we talked for a bit and he was really friendly. He came to visit us a few times and he used to chat to me until ex called him away. He used to try and help me clean up the dishes if he stayed for food.

So I became pregnant with twins and DH started to get really violent. Then when I was 8 and a half months pregnant DS1 (then 12) and DD (then 6) caught him having sex with another woman in our bed, in our house.
(He later said that he thought we were busy in the garden and told us he was sleeping ready for work when he had actually snuck this woman in for a quicky)

So the DCs were traumatised and I sent them to their rooms and asked what he was doing and he called the DCs back in and slapped and punched me in the head. DD was crying and he screamed abuse at her and I said that's it we are going. So I packed the DCs a small bag of their resides each and we left and went to the friends house because he was the only person I knew.

He was lovely and took us in and bought new clothes for the DCs and helped me find a lawyer. But DS1 wanted to live with his dad. He used to hit me because I wouldn't let him go and he would break the friends stuff.

I went into Labour and whilst I was in the hospital the DCs were staying with the friend and DS1 found a phone and called his dad and ex came and picked him up and took him to live with him.

I tried to get him back but DS1 was a teenager and they decided that he was old enough to make his own mind up. Ex got a great lawyer and they worked the system and DS1 was allowed to stay with him.

Gradually me and the friend fell in love and we married last year. He was kind and supportive and raised my other DCs as his own.

Ex hasn't seem them for two years and he doesn't care about them at all. They call my DH daddy because he has raised them and they love him. I see DS1 whenever he bothers to get in touch. If I make the first move he ignores me.

So to now it's four years later and I am currently over 8 months pregnant with DHs first baby. The DS1 is just turned 16. And he asked if we wanted to see him and give him his birthday present.

DS1 came to us, DH took the other DCs to the garden so that we could have some alone time. He opened his present and decided that he didn't like it. I said sorry and I could exchange it or if he liked I would give him the money and exchange this some other time.

He called me a piece of shit mother and spat at me all the time he was smirking at me the whole time. I told him that it was unacceptable to use that sort of language towards me and I was trying to do a nice thing for him.

He slapped me and laughed in my face. I was stunned for a moment. I told him to leave and he stared at me like I was nothing and then he pushed me against the wall and then he punched me in the face. I screamed and DH came running and he dragged him out of the house. He didn't hurt him at all and he let him go as soon as he was outside.

DH locked the doors and came straight back to me and sorted me out. Then ex came round with DS1 and so DH and I went to see what they wanted and ex said that he knew what DH had done and if we called the police or tried to get others involved he they would tell the police that DH had hurt DS. We told them that they were in the wrong.
They were both just laughing at us and they called me names and we went inside.

They continued to shout abuse for a few minutes then they left laughing and joke like a father and son.

I feel sick and I can't stop crying. DS1 hates me. And I am pregnant with his half sibling and the baby will probably never meet his oldest brother. My twins don't know him and DS2 doesn't really remember him either.
Bit I can't let DS1 anywhere near them again.

The worst part was that DS1 looked so much like his dad when he hit me it was like a flash back to years ago.

It's all my fault, I should have fought for him harder and now it's too late. I have failed him and even after everything I miss him so much and I should have tried harder and made him stay here with us and gotten him professional help.

I am the worst mother in the world.

Anon4Now2015 Mon 20-Jul-15 22:02:05

This is not your fault. None of it at all is your fault, It's desperately sad that your relationship with your DS has come to this but he is clearly influenced by your ex, and for your own safety and wellbeing, and for your other children, you need to protect yourself from him. You are good mother and your relationships with your other children, and the way you have protected them show that.

BunnyPotter Mon 20-Jul-15 22:12:29

OP, you're not a bad mother, you're just not.

1. You took DS1 out of an abusive situation and were unable to get him back when you later tried. It's not ideal, in fact it's awful, but just because it isn't good doesn't mean that you were or are to blame.

2. The responsibility for DS1 learning how to hit a pregnant woman does not ready on your shoulders.

3. The responsibility for DS1 learning to hit his mother does not rest on your shoulders either.

sixapples Mon 20-Jul-15 22:17:32

I should have left sooner the DS1 would have had to stay with me. I should have protected him better because he watched his dad beat me and saw me do nothing for 12 years and now he thinks it's okay.

I just wish that I could have shown him how great his life could be and how wrong it is to hit and be mean to others.

Twinklestein Mon 20-Jul-15 22:17:47

It's not your fault, it's your ex's fault, your son just copied him.

It was his choice to live with his father, and as a teenager he had the right to make that choice. He would have hated you all the more if you'd got custody and cut him off from where he wanted to be, and his violence would have put your other kids in danger.

It's terribly sad that he's turned out the way he has, but there's nothing you can do about it. I would focus all your attention on your other kids, who I'm sure you're doing a good job with. Your new husband sounds like a good man.

countryandchickens Mon 20-Jul-15 22:21:57

You were 15 when you had him and forced to move in with an abusive man?

You poor lady.

You've failed no one but you have BEEN failed!

sixapples Mon 20-Jul-15 22:27:57

Yes I was 15.
My parents were upset that I was pregnant so they said I had to move in with him and as soon as I turned 16 I had to marry him.

My parents were very old school and they hated me and what I had done so they felt that this would take the edge off the embarrassment l had caused them and it was move in with him or live on the streets.

Newtobecomingamum Mon 20-Jul-15 22:31:26

My god you are one strong amazing lady. You are NOT a bad mother... I couldn't have gone through what you have. Sounds like you have an amazing DH and it's good that you have his support.
Sounds like your son has been brain washed and fed god knows what crap/stories from your ex to make him behave this way and be this way towards you.
If I were you I would accept for the moment that my son was unreachable at present and trying at this moment in time to reach out to him with your ex being such a strong influence isn't going to work without causing lots of drama and trouble to your door step. Remember your son is still young and there will be a time in the future when he has left or moved out from your ex when it maybe a better time to try and reach out. Also, you never know it might not be long until he comes reaching out to you if he becomes unhappy with your ex.
I would concentrate your time, energy and love with your DH and other children and wait for when the time is right with your son. This does not make you a bad mum... You have other children to think about and they can't be surrounded by all the drama that your ex and son bring at the moment.

Keep strong flowers

sixapples Mon 20-Jul-15 22:42:16

Yes my DH is lovely and so supportive. He has been so amazing and I feel so bad making him put up with all our drama. He takes great care of us all and we are so lucky to have him.

CultureSucksDownWords Mon 20-Jul-15 23:10:29

You are not to blame for any of this situation. You were a child when this man started to groom and control you. You had 5 children in quick succession which put you in a really vulnerable position, unable to easily leave as you'd have to take them all with you. I am amazed that you managed to leave at all to be honest, so many women don't.

Absolutely all of the blame for the damage done to your DS1 lies with your ex. He may have preferred your DS1 over the other children, but if he had loved him properly he would not have treated him preferably over his siblings. That is a really damaging way to grow up. Your ex is responsible for it all, not you. You've done an amazing job of taking your other children out of the situation, and it must be heartbreaking not to be able to do the same for your DS1.

The situation you're in now, the best thing you can do for your son is to enforce appropriate boundaries. I would report the incidence to the non-emergency police, and let them decide whether it can be pursued.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 20-Jul-15 23:35:31

Did this incident happen today? If so, it's a great shame you didn't call the police immediately because, by not doing so, your ex and your ds1 will now believe that they've cowed you into submission and as, to their minds, they've got away with it, I wouldn't be surprised if they don't try to capitalise on their success in some overt or pernicious manner.

If you have any visible injury/bruises to your face I would suggest you report this matter to the police on 101, failing which make contact with your community/neighbourhood police officer and invite him round so that you and dh can tell him/her what took place, give some background history, and seek advice regarding what you should do if you find yourself subject to a campaign of attrition from your abusive ex and your equally abusive ds1

sixapples Tue 21-Jul-15 00:01:20

Yes it happened today, but if I call the police I would wreak DS1s life before it even really starts because he will have a criminal record.
Plus ex would probably tell the police that my DH hurt DS1 which would destroy DHs career as well.

kittybiscuits Tue 21-Jul-15 00:20:01

You have to call the police to protect yourself and your DH. I am so sorry for you that your ex has taught your son to abuse you. It's not your fault. You couldn't stop it and nothing you could have done would have stopped it x

phoenixrose314 Tue 21-Jul-15 00:28:09

Whilst I understand how sad and shocked and upset you must be feeling, you really must call the police. As soon as possible. You are blaming yourself for allowing DS1 to be exposed to the physical abuse between you and ex when you were younger, for not taking him away, for basically letting him think it was okay behaviour.... You have a chance now to STOP being permissive. You have a chance to let him (and DH too) know that it is not okay to hit a woman. Not ever.

You have already lost his affection, so do not think you will be losing anything - you will be saving some other poor woman in DS1's future from getting beaten like you were earlier.

Abuse is almost always historic, and cyclical. You have a chance to break that chain. Please, please, stop it.

Iamalwayswrong Tue 21-Jul-15 07:04:58

There is no way you've failed your son. His father has and still is.

It will wreck ds1's life if he isn't stopped.

He will behave like this to other women in his life.

Please report this to the police. It will help your ds1. It really will.

Your relationship with him will not improve anyway whilst he is still with his toxic, violent, moron of a father.

PuellaEstCornelia Tue 21-Jul-15 08:31:46

You need to report this to the Police today. You're not ruining your son's life - you are putting a clear boundary in place. If you don't, he will think he can get away with this sort of behaviour with other people. Maybe bringing him up against it hard now will stop him getting into trouble later!

sixapples Tue 21-Jul-15 10:24:32

We are calling the police in a bit (sending the DCs to ILs first)
Partly because of yesterday and because last night they came back and slashed DHs car tiers, threw rubbish in the garden and then defecated on our path.
They didn't realise that we have cameras all over the property because when I first left ex used to come in the night drunk and stand across the road staring at the house so DH bought them in case ex took it any further.

My face where he punched me has swollen up and my back hurts and there is a massive bruise there from the wall.
We have had to tell the DCs a potted age appropriate version of what happened which has meant that DD has suffered flashbacks and nightmares last night and had to sleep in our bed.

I feel so guilty about everything but I can't let them think that this is okay, because it has already affected my DCs and they don't deserve that and I can't let it happen again.

pocketsaviour Tue 21-Jul-15 10:57:20

I feel so guilty about everything but I can't let them think that this is okay, because it has already affected my DCs and they don't deserve that and I can't let it happen again.

Well done. This is the key.

I know this will sound horribly hard and ruthless, but you have to cut your emotional ties to DS1. He must sink or swim on his own now - your primary responsibility is to your younger DCs.

If he does get arrested, it could actually be the wake up call he needs. But he is nearly an adult now and must make his own decisions. It may be too late, and I'm very sorry, but a relationship with him may no longer be possible.

This must be so hard for you. Please look after yourself and it might be an idea to see your doctor if you are still in pain with your back.

BrowersBlues Tue 21-Jul-15 11:06:27

You did not fail your son. Calling the police could turn things around for him. He did chose to stay with his father. I know he is young and he probably felt pressurised by his father but he did make that choice.

My son also chose to live with is abusive father when he was 15. My son was abusive towards me and the police got involved. It was the single best thing that happened because the police were actually very helpful. My DS got anger management counselling and is now back home with me.

His father has caused this, not you. You need to keep telling yourself that over and over until you believe it. Write a letter to your son telling him what happened and tell him that you are always there for him. He is probably hurting very badly. Sometimes it takes a crisis to change things.

I would contact social services to see if they can provide some support. They could maybe act as mediators. Don't give up on your son. Don't put yourself in a dangerous situation but support him from a distance.

There is a good chance that the penny will drop for your son. Write to him, text him and tell him you never stopped loving him.

badtime Tue 21-Jul-15 13:49:47

OP, I'm glad to see that you have decided to call the police. You need to show all your children that some sorts of behaviour is unacceptable and has consequences. I think it would be worse for your oldest son if you let him go on believing (or acting like) he can do whatever he wants without any response.

Hopefully he is still young enough that he can learn from this.

phoenixrose314 Tue 21-Jul-15 17:34:04

You have done the right thing. I really hope the police can help, even if a lot of the abuse is historic.

Wishing you all the best, keep us updated xx

Iamalwayswrong Tue 21-Jul-15 19:20:27

I can't believe what your ex has done. Defecating on your property and encouraging your son to do the same? Wtaf? The man needs o be sectioned. Unbelievable.

I'm so glad the police are involved. This scumbag of a man needs to be stopped. And his destruction of your son also needs to be stopped.

Well done. Keep us posted on what happens will you? You're amazing and strong and you never know what positive may come out of your action for you all.

GoooRooo Tue 21-Jul-15 19:29:33

You've done the right thing OP, even though it must be heartbreaking. flowers for you

lunar1 Tue 21-Jul-15 19:36:02

You are doing the right thing. Your ds may have a chance at turning things around.

Clutterbugsmum Tue 21-Jul-15 19:43:24

You haven't failed as parent. You had know chance once your Ex got his claws into your DS1.

Anything that happen with the police and your DS1 is his own fault. At 16 he know right from wrong. I hope the police come down on him like a tonne of bricks and hopefully put him back on the right path.

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