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How do I get the answers I need?

(2 Posts)
confusedsos Mon 20-Jul-15 11:15:59

Hi All,

Since I was little, I have always been treated differently to my siblings, it was clear that for some reason I was the lowest on the pecking order. My other siblings, in particular the middle one were the golden children.

I was a child from an unplanned pregnancy and home life wasn’t exactly a bundle of laughs. I never really had a great relationship with my mum as she would always push me away or go out of her way to make things difficult for me and constantly put me down. She’s always been very controlling and manipulative. I have spent my whole life feeling fearful, anxious, unwanted, hated and rejected. I always went out of my way to please her but nothing I ever did was good enough. I grew up being told I would never achieve in life but my siblings would be amazing.

My father knew a bit about what was going on but he worked long hours. If I said anything to him then I would get it even worse once he was out of the way, so I learnt to shut up and put up.

I have since married and had children of my own who I adore. It is only through having my own family that I have realized what I was put through was wrong, I was not at fault. I would never treat my children like that because I love them. The bottom line is, I was treated that way because I wasn’t loved. Looking back at it now I think she was a bully and can see that I was physically and mentally abused. I can’t tell you how painful it is to actually realise this. When you are a child going through this, you don’t see it as you just can’t get your head round what is happening and what you’ve done to deserve it.

My relationship with my mum is better these days but not perfect. I’m still the lowest on the pecking order and get taken for granted all the time. I’m always expected to drop whatever I’m doing and accommodate whatever it is they want. When I try and say no it’s like a slap in the face for them so all the guilt tripping starts. My husband sees it too which is a big relief for me.

Despite everything, I am the most successful one out of my siblings. I have a brilliant job, a lovely home and a wonderful family of my own. My siblings haven’t done so well but she still always finds an excuse for them and shield them, she can’t help it! I’ve come to the conclusion that she will probably never admit my siblings aren’t perfect in the fear that it reflects negatively on her.

I’ve got to a point in my life where I feel all the emotions are bubbling to the surface again, I can’t forget the past. I have coped well for 15 years but now it’s like someone has cracked a bottle open and I have so much anger inside. I need answers as to why I have been treated this way. I feel damaged and lost inside and don’t know how to fix myself.

Has anyone gone through something similar? Would counselling help? This is the first time I’ve actually spoken about this and I don’t know where to start but do believe I need help.

Sorry this is so long!

midnightvelvetPart2 Mon 20-Jul-15 11:53:07

Counselling would probably help yes. And it may also validate your feelings & let you step away from her a little now if you wanted to.

Are you able to get any closure from her? if you asked her outright would she deny it, its possible she has rewritten your childhood to make it more comfortable for her & may say you are wrong. Or would you be able to talk to her about it?

There's a thread on here called Stately Homes which may be of some use, its a thread for survivors of dysfunctional families.

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