Advertisement

loader

Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Mis-matched sex drives?

(24 Posts)
Bexicle22 Mon 20-Jul-15 10:08:49

I have always had quite a high sex drive. Not in an inappropriate way, like sleeping around with every Tom, Dick and Harry but in that I just really enjoy sex and want to do it as much as I can (within my relationship). I would quite happily do it every day. However my partner isn't the same. If I'm lucky we will have sex twice a week. Which I know is a lot for some people. The second his head hits the pillow at night he's asleep so I have to try and find time when he's not sleeping. Sometimes I joke about it, in a sort of "I'm being serious but I'm not going to act like a bitch about it" and he says he can't help it if I have the sex drive of an 18 year old.

We're both 26 so not old, we don't live together full time yet but he stays here most nights. We've been together two years and so I know (as much as it disappoints me) that sex kind of takes a back seat once you're in a long term relationship and when we started going out, we did have sex a bit more than we do now. But he's a one-time guy, as in if we have sex then that's it then. We don't go back for seconds. It's all very regimented, in bed, always on the same days (Friday And Saturday night) lights off, straight to sleep afterwards. He seems happy with that but I've told him I would like it if we mixed it up a bit, I've also tried to do so but to no avail.

Has anyone else had an issue with a partner wanting more/less sex than you do? If so, how did you work around it?

ohlamour Mon 20-Jul-15 10:18:55

Yes! All my partners have never wanted it as much as me. My last P withheld sex as another control method, because he knew i enjoyed it. He would make horrible comments that made me feel bad for physically wanting the person i was in a relationship with. It would really upset me because i knew he was very sexual as well - when we got together he wanted it all the time too. Needless to say we are no more. I get where you're coming from though!

Twinklestein Mon 20-Jul-15 12:32:38

In your 20s particularly there are plenty of guys who want sex as much/ as often as you do.

Lights off regimented sex is a bit rubbish, even without the drive mismatch.

He's just not very good in bed.

butterflygirl15 Mon 20-Jul-15 12:39:49

I think you are too young to settle for a relationship like this. You will only resent him more in the future - and he isn't going to change. All it will do is trash your confidence. Wasting time waiting for him to want you when you could be out having fun with other people seems such a shame to me.

TokenGinger Mon 20-Jul-15 12:46:00

Sex is such an important part of a relationship. In my previous relationship, my partner was the same as yours. Once or twice a week. I really grew to resent him. It got to a point that it really pissed me off that he got sex whenever he wanted it (because I was so desperately longing for it) but I never did when I wanted it. I also felt wholly unsatisfied but I didn't realise how much until I met my current partner.

Our sex drives match perfectly, and it's such a relief. A healthy sexual relationship really contributes to our happiness in our relationship.

If you've experienced somebody meeting your sex drive before, you'll know there's somebody out there for you.

If you settle for this now and you marry this guy, you'll forever be resentful. I'm not saying leave him, but maybe speak to him on a serious level about how much it bothers you. Alternatively, seek out ways to please yourself sexually.

Bexicle22 Mon 20-Jul-15 14:55:58

It's even more frustrating that I actually enjoy sex with him and actually finish 90% of the time whereas in all my other relationships, I've faked it and never enjoyed it quite as much. He does say to me that if I initiate it he wouldn't say no but it's kind of like, I feel like I can't initiate it a lot of the time for fear of being rejected, just because I know that he just doesn't have as high a sex drive as I do. When we do do it, it's great and he is very much into it. I just feel like, I don't want to have to wait for a whole week before we can have sex again, he is here on Tuesday and Wednesday nights but we don't have sex on those nights. It's always Friday and either Saturday or Sunday. We never do it in the morning, we never do it anywhere outside of the house (of course, you're not supposed to but people find ways to get away with it) as you said tokenginger, it annoys me that when he wants sex he always gets it because I'm always up for it but I don't get it when I want it because he isn't always up for it. Even if regimented sex in bed at night was okay for me, like I said the second he lies down, he closes his eyes and it's near impossible to keep him awake. On Saturday night just gone, I ended up pouncing on him on the couch downstairs because I was getting fed up but I would love it if he would do the same. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting someone who will spontaneously throw you up against a wall and be passionate. Is more than two nights a week too much to ask?

pocketsaviour Mon 20-Jul-15 15:10:28

You're in your 20s. It really shouldn't be this boring. Imagine if you had kids with this man, he'd then know what tiredness really was, and you'd be lucky to get it once a year.

There are plenty of other men out there who will be a better match. The fact that this one is better quality sex just means you're getting better at picking partners and telling them what you want. It doesn't mean you now stop the search.

TokenGinger Mon 20-Jul-15 15:21:32

Two nights a week really wouldn't do it for me. I'm 25, DP 27. We're at a stage whereby, on Saturdays, it's not abnormal to lie on the sofa butt naked all day watching Netflix and having sex 4-5 times throughout the day. Never mind less than that in a week; going back to that would drive me insane!

Maybe try what he says and initiate it? If he's over tomorrow night, try initiating it and see where it goes. Don't allow yourself to be in such a monotonous routine at such a young age - sex should be about enjoying each other's bodies just because you desire one another so much. Not scheduled in on certain nights as part of bedtime routine.

I feel for you x

Bexicle22 Mon 20-Jul-15 17:15:22

TG, a whole day of watching Netflix and having sex numerous times is my idea of the perfect day lol that would never happen for me though. I'm lucky to have sex just the once. Tomorrow night he won't get here until around 9.30-10pm so no doubt he will be tired. He always vocalises how tired he is just as we're going up to bed. Like last night on our way up the stairs he said "wow I'm so tired" then when we got into bed he said "I can't wait to get to sleep, I've had such a long day." It's as if he's hinting to me that sex is definitely not on the table and that's what puts me off initiating it. I feel like most men would kill to have a partner with such a high sex drive seeing as most guys I know constantly complain about their partners never wanting sex. He's a great guy, we're the best of friends, we have so much (non-sexual) fun together. The problem is just the lack of sex. I've tried to talk about it before but it seems to always boil down to the fact that I just want sex more than he does and that's just how it is. Maybe it's time for me to have a proper talk about it? I don't want him to just have sex with me because I've pretty much forced him to, I want him to want it as much as I do but I guess if he just isn't as interested, I'm not going to be able to change his mind sad

Jan45 Mon 20-Jul-15 17:19:53

2 years I'd be expecting it more than twice a week, he sounds pretty boring in bed too, only you know if you can contend with this as a life long partner, I'd worry you'd end up with twice a year!

Bexicle22 Mon 20-Jul-15 17:39:06

It is pretty boring as far as sex goes. It mostly missionary, in the dark, at bed time on designated nights of the week. Whenever I make a joke about it or something he just looks at me like I'm some kind of sex-mad freak. I'm glad to see that I'm not being crazy thinking twice a week isn't a lot. I don't know if talking to him seriously about it will make a difference. If you have a low sex drive then I guess you just have a low sex drive? I can be sitting next to him in the skimpiest clothes, my tits literally hanging out and he doesn't bat an eyelid, it's frustrating. We can be in bed totally naked and he falls asleep straight away. It's so frustrating. And a bit offensive too tbh.

Jan45 Mon 20-Jul-15 18:13:44

Oh that's crap, maybe you're with the wrong man.

He sounds like he has issues, not you.

MatildaTheCat Mon 20-Jul-15 19:19:46

There are numerous cases posted on here where a man refuses to have sex at all during pregnancy and then afterwards as well. It's complex and sadly I can really imagine your DP falling into this group. Sex is clearly not a priority to him and never will be if he's lucky enough to have a gf as up for it as you are and he's still not very interested.

Have you actually tried instigating mornings? He can't be tired then and most men are more than up for a quick shag first thing...

It is a shame but ultimately it's sex that is the difference between housemates and lovers. Which was it you were after?

Ouchbloodyouch Mon 20-Jul-15 19:37:38

envy @ tokenginger

VixxFace Mon 20-Jul-15 19:53:36

I couldn't deal with that tbh. Sex is so important imo.

Twinklestein Mon 20-Jul-15 20:19:35

I don't know how you've stuck it for 2 years OP. This really doesn't sound like the guy for you.

Handywoman Mon 20-Jul-15 20:42:33

He sounds really quite unimaginitive in bed understatement

Personally I reckon you'll always be frustrated with him as your partner.

rosesanddaisies Mon 20-Jul-15 21:38:26

Yeeeees!!!! Had this issue. When we were younger (as in mid 20's), my DP wanted it twice a day AT LEAST, every single day. Midnight, 6am etc. It was awful to be honest, because I was honestly tired at midnight and knowing he'd want it again at 6am was so off putting. But he couldn't understand why I didn't want him, because in his eyes I obviously didn't fancy him. It was really hard to deal with such a mismatched sex drive. After a decade, much heartache and learning (and him growing older), it's a LOT easier and he now understands it's honestly uncomfortable for me to do it so often, but it took a LOT of time, and heartache, for us to both realises we have to make comprimises. Now, I just let him do what he wants and I end up enjying it for the most part, and we're both happy and more connected.

ladymargaret Mon 20-Jul-15 23:25:26

This might not be true at all but are you sure he is that much into you? For a while I had a no string attached relationship with super hot fit guy in his early twenties with whom we had a great sex and chemistry. I remember him saying that he used to have a gf but they haven't had sex every time they saw each other. That would have been unimaginable for us.

Dilema76 Tue 21-Jul-15 08:42:08

Personally I wouldn't end a relationship just on the back of this.

KatelynB Tue 21-Jul-15 09:18:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HermioneWeasley Tue 21-Jul-15 09:23:11

He's not the right partner for you. You are friends more than anything

TokenGinger Tue 21-Jul-15 10:01:44

How you doing, OP? Did you see him last night?

Sex twice a week is normal for some, and I don't believe it means you are just friends. He probably adores you, loves you and wants to be with you, as do you him. But have mismatched sex drives.

It's up to you what you decide to do. In my old relationship, it was sex once a week for me. So twice a week would have been good!

Have you guys been on holiday before where you've not had work making you tired? Was it the same, twice a week, there?

Bexicle22 Tue 21-Jul-15 14:49:48

Although we aren't married or have kids together, I do have a young daughter so unfortunately even if I wanted to, I don't have the luxury of being able to go out and sleep with whoever I want.

TG, I didn't see him last night but I did bring it up. I explained to him pretty much everything I have said on here and he said that he does want it as much as me and he's sorry if I feel like he doesn't. He said he often feels unattractive and so it stops him from being in the mood (he's put on a bit of weight since we first met but then so have I) and I reassured him that I don't care about that and I think he is attractive hence always wanting to have sex. He said he will try harder to be more passionate, not just having the bedtime routine sex. With my daughter around it is often more difficult to just go at each other all day every day but she sees her dad quite often so there is a lot of time where she isn't here and I said that maybe we should take more advantage of that.

We have been on holiday together, we went to Spain last year for a week, I think we had sex 3 times, maybe 4. We seem to have less sex because it will only happen once in 24 hours. It's not like we have sex then after a bit of a rest we go again, once he's done, he's done then. I wish I felt more comfortable trying to intiate. If I didn't feel like I was going to be rejected then I would probably have a lot more sex. I suppose because of how it's been for a while now, I've got it into my head that he just doesn't want it as much as me and I should back off a little and not try.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now