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Help! Advice needed(10 Posts)
Name changed as so ashamed that I've been on here so many times and still not left.
So last night DP came home drunk and had a massive to at me. Then said it was because he was reflecting my mood. Then he called me to the bedroom and said I should apologise for something I had done which had annoyed him. I did apologise and he gave me a lecture on apologising properly.
He then said I should apologise properly and initiated sex. I didn't say no or try to stop it but I really didn't want to. And he was really rough. I went to the toilet and sobbed straight after.
I need to leave. I do know that.
I need practical advice- I need a super cheap van to move all my stuff.
What should I be thinking about practically? We rent and the house is in his name. I think maybe the tv licence is in my name. I'm taking DS with me.
Sounds awful. Good on you that you're making the decision to go.
Do you have friends or family who might help?
Do you have your own bank account and email? Are you working?
You need things like your Id and ds's. What stuff do you truly need out of the house? Do you need to do a flit quickly without him knowing or can you move more gradually?
Sorry, more questions than help, but it's difficult to know what is relevant.
I have my own bank account and email.
A friend has offered to help. I'm not working so finances are very limited.
I want to get all my stuff and go in one go. I don't want to give him the power of having any of my stuff...he's very controlling.
Speak to local housing authority, they may be able to assist in finding somewhere.
If you can drive you can hire a van for approx £40 a day.
You will need to arrange a new place before you can leave I think, make a list of what you would need to take.
Give the ruse of a big clear out and find all paperwork, passports, bank statements etc and pop them in a file - move them to friends house along with any details of new house.
Tv license can be transferred to new address.
If you're not on the tenancy agreement then you're not liable for any rent.
Check if your name is on any of the bills.
Does he work? will he be out of the house for any long periods?
Do you have somewhere to go to? Even if its short term do you have somewhere to run to until you sort out your own place? Are there any hostels in your area for women who need to leave asap, Womens Aid have lists of local help that you could use, you could phone them & explain that you were raped & are being emotionally abused, they should be able to help.
If you do then leave your DS with somebody you trust whilst you go with friend & get all of your stuff, try to choose a time when you know he will be out. Get it all then go.
Once you have gone you can do the following:
- Cancel any joint tax credits claim & start a new one as single parent.
- Seek assistance as to what benefits you are eligible for, Womens Aid may help if they are involved, or the CAB could help.
Well done on finally going, one the first lot of moving is over your day to day life will be so much easier
I wouldn't say it was rape.
I can go and stay with my parents.
Great that you have your parents to go to.
Take ds and passports etc to your parents, then hire a van with your friend and take everything you need from the house.
If pretty much everything is in his name and you're not married, you're not likely to be held liable for anything, which is grand. You can cancel the TV licence until you have your own place.
Apply for any benefits you might be entitled to as soon as.
I would class it as rape, as you didn't want to have sex but were too afraid of his reaction to say no. And it wasn't sex performed with your pleasure in mind, it was a weird kind of punishment sex that hurt you & that was entirely for his gratification. It made you cry afterwards. And in context of the forced apology it doesn't sound very nice or normal or healthy.
Have I misread it OP, it could well happen that I have. Was it enjoyable sex with the intention of healing a rift & I'm wrong?
OP you can call what happened what you like and if you're not happy with the label, that's okay. It is important to recognise that it was abusive and that he undoubtedly knew you didn't want sex, but he carried on anyway, and hurt you. I'm so sorry, he really is a vile thug. Please don't be ashamed of how long it has taken you to leave. It's easy for us to all sit here and say LTB but the decision has to be yours, and it can be a very difficult one to make.
OK practical things. How much would you have to take? Furnishings, or just personal items like clothing? If it's just clothing, a small van or even a car with a large boot might do if return trips are possible (e.g. if he works.) Would your parents or a friend be able to help with driving and carrying stuff? Alternatively you can use this site to find someone professional with insurance (which might be important if you need to move furniture):
Check the feedback for providers and I always message them specifically and ask if they are insured. I have saved hundreds on two house moves using people from here.
If you need boxes for packing, sometimes the providers will give you packing cases, or post on your local Freecycle site asking. As a last resort, buy them from helpineedboxes.com
With school hols being here at least you don't need to worry about getting DS to school. Once you're at your parents I would get onto the local housing office as soon as possible and ask to be put on the priority list as you have your DS and can only stay with your parents temporarily. The response is going to depend on what area you're in. If you're in the north you will probably be houses within weeks or months; if you're in the south... You're probably better off trying to find work and then applying for private landlords. You should also be able to get various benefits once it's just you and DS, depending on your income. Does DS's dad pay any maintenance?
Good luck OP, post here for support and hand holding if you need it.
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