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Should I leave him for my family?

(44 Posts)
natty8839 Mon 20-Jul-15 01:59:00

Hi everyone,

I'm in a crisis so doing the obvious thing and turning to the internet for advice ;)

I met my partner over here in Australia. He is Australian and I am British and we live in Melbourne. I miss home terribly and am devastated about the possibility of a future without my family around us. This has only really hit me recently as we've been talking about having kids.

He will not come back to the UK with me. I won't go into the reasons but he's set on staying here so if I go, I go alone. I'm devastated and can't decide what to do. I love him enormously but am not sure if I can be happy here and feel nervous about a relationship where he won't compromise for me.

Am I crazy to give up a good relationship to be near my family and go back home? I'm very close with my brother and mum and finances mean that I could only see them once per year which doesn't feel like enough. I'm torn between starting my life all over again in the UK or staying here with a man that I do love and forever missing 'home'.

MitzyLeFrouf Mon 20-Jul-15 02:13:31

I couldn't live in Australia as I'd hate to be so far from my family, but then I've never fallen in love with an Australian so it's never been something I've had to consider. A friend was in this position though and chose to stay in Australia but still feels sadness about being on the other side of the world from his parents and siblings.

You say you're nervous about a relationship where he won't compromise but I suppose he could be thinking the same about you. His reasons for staying in Australia are as legitimate as your reasons for wanting to move back to the UK.

I don't know what the solution is. Sorry! I suppose it comes down to whether you decide if a life with him in Oz is worth being so physically distant from your family or do you think there's a chance you may grow to resent him?

When you imagine the two scenarios, a)staying in Australia but only seeing your family once a year and b)calling time on your relationship and moving back to the UK, which makes your heart constrict more?

Good luck with your decision!

Aussiebean Mon 20-Jul-15 02:13:51

My husband is english and I'm australian.

He is very close to his family, while I love my family, we aren't close.

When I married him in Australia, I knew going in that there was a very good chance he would want to move back there. And I am ok with that. He misses his family a lot, if something were to happen to them he would be devastated not being there to help. It saddens him to think he will miss out on his siblings major life events. While it saddens me to leave my family. We are scattered on both sides. And live in a city far away from them.

The thing that clinched going back was out ds. In England we will be close to family so he has grand parents and we have support if we need it. While here, we have no family support and he won't have a big relationship extended family anyway.

We have committed to coming back once a year, luckily for me I am ok with that.

Can't really give advise, but thought I would share our thout process to see if it helps you.

AlpacaMyBags Mon 20-Jul-15 02:26:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

natty8839 Mon 20-Jul-15 02:26:56

Thanks for your replies.

Mitzylefrouf - yes, I completely agree that his reasons are the same as and equal to mine. We've been very honest with one another and I've told him I don't blame him for feeling that way, although it is hard to hear "sorry, I just can't move for you". I'm terrified of starting a new life all over again. Had some very bad relationships in the past so the idea of being alone again or finding someone else scares the bejesus out of me.

There are big cultural differences too, between his family and mine. I don't feel like I have enough of a support network over here and it's all falling to him to be my family/ partner/ best friend and that feels unfair. It's not his job to be all of those things. We've always said we'd do anything for one another and to be together so to learn that that's not actually the case... I don't know. I'm not sure what the solution is either.

Aussiebean - Thanks for sharing your experience. It's so hard, isn't it? Have you actually moved to the UK yet or are you in the process of doing so?

natty8839 Mon 20-Jul-15 02:30:09

Alpacamybags - yes, I think of that all the time! My step father currently has cancer and it kills me that I can't be there to support all of them. But I give up the best relationship I've had so far for that? Sigh. How did you find living overseas? Did you move back eventually?

AlpacaMyBags Mon 20-Jul-15 02:44:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 20-Jul-15 02:50:20

You only have one dm and one db but there's no shortage of potential UK based partners for you to choose from.

If you have dc with your current partner you need to know that, regardless of whether you marry him, if your dc are born in Australia you may find great difficulty in taking them out of the country without his permission should you split up and could find yourself stuck in Oz for many years during which time your dm and/or db may have urgent need of you in the UK.

In addition, having dc is a time when you will want your loving family around you and will most feel their absence if they're unable to fly to Oz and stay for a month or more several times a year or vice versa.

Given what you've said, I suggest you return to the UK with a view to staying for at least six months - i.e through Christmas and New Year - in order to gain some perspective as to whether your love for your Aussie guy outweighs your desire to be near your family.

natty8839 Mon 20-Jul-15 02:59:46

Goddessofsmallthings - Yes, I think about that ALL. THE. TIME. We don't yet have kids but if we did and I wanted to go back or if we broke up and I was stuck here it would be awful.

I can't imagine being with anyone else though. While I don't regret the experience and love him immensely I would certainly warn others against international love!

Aussiebean Mon 20-Jul-15 03:00:02

We have started to tell people that we are moving back. My family are very supportive of the move which helps. Ad we are trying to work out how to actually do it. I want to spend at least a month with my family before we go.

We are nervous about going. Neither of us will have a job. But the prospect of close family support and easy access to Europe (we love travelling) out weighs staying. Plus I have struggled to get permanent work in my industry.

We do really like where we are. And we have made some lovely friends who we will miss. But the pull of family for my dh wins.

I don't think you should stay because of your fear of not finding someone else. I dont known how old you are, but that fear is not the reason to stay.

The homesickness will always be there. You have to decide if you are able to live with it year in and year out.

natty8839 Mon 20-Jul-15 03:04:34

Alpacamybags - yes, the dream of visiting biannually never works out that way IRL, does it. My partner hasn't actually even met my mum yet. He's met my brother and dad but not my mum. The distance is so much greater than you first imagine it will be.

natty8839 Mon 20-Jul-15 03:07:18

Aussiebean - yes, I sympathise with the nervousness re: not having a job. My partner worries about that and cites it as his second reason for not wanting to go over there. I have reminded him that I was unemployed for a long time, for him, whilst we applied for my visa over here.

The doing is hard too, hey? Will you be staying with family upon return before finding a place of your own or are you hoping to set something up in advance?

Smidge001 Mon 20-Jul-15 03:08:37

Ooh I've found this thread too now!

Reading more of your posts I am leaning towards advising you to take the plunge and move home.

However, the suggestion to move home for 6 months and see how you get on is a great idea. No shorter time than that though as it does take a while to settle back in, and you want to get a job and try a proper life back in England to compare properly.

Previous posters are right in their comments about what might happen if you do have children out here and then break up. Or even just want to visit the UK - v expensive with children in tow! And much harder to drop everything in an emergency. Also I think with children you will miss your family even more.

natty8839 Mon 20-Jul-15 03:11:27

Thanks smidge001 - Sigh. Yes, my family and friends echo the same sentiment. I'm just so heartbroken at the thought of losing him. I feel devastated that it won't be forever and am going through all of the usual breakup emotions.

Atenco Mon 20-Jul-15 03:59:55

No advice here. I moved to Mexico many years ago then moved home with my dd for ten years and back again. I love Mexico and I love my country too, ditto my friends in both places but now wherever I am I miss people and places from the other country. My dd has the same problem.

But at the same time if this is the best relationship you have ever had...

sykadelic Mon 20-Jul-15 04:50:44

I live in the US and I have family in the UK and in Australia. I was living in Australia when I met my DH and moved to the US to be with him.

Christmas, Easter, Birthdays.... that's when you feel it most keenly. Then of course when there's a situation (good or bad). My sister has 2 kids. My relationship with them would be vastly different if we lived in Australia.

We've talked about having kids and I know that my family will rely on skype/fb/facetime and the occasional visit. It's not ideal but I've come to terms with it (it has been 6 years now).

I have been home twice. The first time was because my dad was sick, the second was to attend his funeral. It's just really way too expensive.

For me, the biggest factor is the kid factor. My DH would move countries if that's what I needed to make me happy. If we split up and we were still here with kids, I know that there's a strong possibility that I would be stuck here until the kids were grown and I could make it work (and DH would allow visits to Australia).

Ultimately, you have your own life to live now. Your family will live their own. The deciding factor really is happiness. Over time, for me, the homesickness faded. It did take several years though. I have an Aussie friend in the US and another in the UK. For the girl in the UK she misses home like mad (and has been there for 8+ years) and is moving back in the next few years with her DH and kids. The other friend is doing okay, making the most of it, but can't wait to go back to Australia in a couple of years. She's made friends but she has a large family (Greek) and misses them too much.

Good luck with your decision!

Aussiebean Mon 20-Jul-15 05:03:28

We will stay with family when we first arrive. Hoping to have something lined up before we go, but not a guarantee.

There will always be work. You just need to make sure you have enough of a buffer to support you while you wait.

But we will certainly try and line up something before we go.

nooka Mon 20-Jul-15 05:27:46

My ds is married to an Australian. They met out there when she was there on a working visa, and then he came to the UK for a similar time. Before deciding to get married he went back home for six months. Then he lived with her for ten years before persuading her to try Australia, and they have just returned to the UK after four or five years out there. This will be a permanent move for my sister, but may not be for him.

Neither of them are happy in the others country and it has caused them both great unhappiness and ripped their relationship apart. Their children either get an unhappy parent living with them or on the other side of the world.

Very very hard. I have to admit I'd not commit to someone that straight up refused to even try out my country, knowing that I was unhappy in their home. It doesn't sound like a very equal relationship, and resentment could breed very very easily.

magiccatlitter Mon 20-Jul-15 05:42:06

Yes, I made the mistake of committing to someone who refused to even try out my home country. It did make me feel resentful that I did all the sacrifice and him, none.

I'm going to go back home as I have missed far far too much of my grown children's and grand's lives.

I was hoping to get back once a year too but that didn't happen as it was far too expensive to travel every year. It's been 4 years since I've seen my children. sad

So, it really wasn't worth it.

AmIbeingTreasonable Mon 20-Jul-15 06:13:21

Hmmmm I'd be quite wary of the fact that he won't even consider moving with you. On the other hand, at least he has laid his cards on the table.

I definitely second the idea of going home for 6 months or a year and seeing how you feel.

The having children, the splitting up and not being able to return with them is a very very real consideration too.

Glastokitty Mon 20-Jul-15 06:29:46

Its a really tricky one, and a problem I'm really glad I've not had ( I love Australia, and haven't been homesick). But if you do feel that way now, when you don't have children yet, then you should go home. You really don't want to be stuck here if you don't like it, its not for everyone. But try a long holiday back in Blighty first, you might find your spectacles are rose tinted. I know lots of people who have ping ponged, and its expensive!

GrumpyOldBiddy2 Mon 20-Jul-15 06:46:16

The way that your posts are written suggests to me that you have decided already but are struggling to come to terms with it. For example 'best relationship so far'.
If I were you, I'd be jumping on a plane to see your stepfather and mum, and decide how you feel with some space flowers

natty8839 Mon 20-Jul-15 08:18:54

GrumpyOldBiddy2 - yes and no. I'm swinging back and forth at the moment. I go from "I'm young, I still have time to find my feet, I should move home and set myself up again" to "what are you crazy, girl? You have a great job, a man who adores you and friends here in Australia. Why would you give all of that up for something that you may never find again in the UK."

I feel that I need to clarify that he is a very good man. Supports me in every other area of my life and wants to make me happy. This is just a big no for him. He loves it here and his family too much.

BrendaBlackhead Mon 20-Jul-15 08:29:03

dsis married someone who loved their country and family. He refused to even try the UK. When they had dcs dsis was trapped in that country and bound by school holidays, dc friendships and then dc marriage. Dsis grew to hate him as he just wouldn't make any kind of compromise.

My aunt married an Australian. In spite of being wealthy and able to afford 1st class back and forth, she had a nervous breakdown in the end as she missed her family so much. She romanticised England as well, thinking that everyone was being jolly and getting together all the time (as they did when she came over) when in fact 99% of the time nobody hung out and were all busy ploughing their own boring furrows.

lougle Mon 20-Jul-15 08:31:27

Move home. You're not even tied yet and struggling. It will get worse not better.

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