Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DP attitude about DS and me

(19 Posts)
Mini05 Sun 19-Jul-15 21:56:05

ok so that's what I've been told today more or less. DS 25

It's MY son, who DP as brought up with me for last 12 years when my son was 13.
He won't leave him in the house so we can go on holiday or couple nights away(thinks he's going to have mad parties) never as done!
Doesn't like the fact he as his TV loud(in his opinion) I have to tell him to turn our TV up because he as it so low I can't hear what there saying on TV.
He goes on about how much he spends on clothes,going out,holidays etc, basically he shouldn't be spending that much.
Say how son should make his own tea etc (but ok for me to do his)
How his parents never helped him.
Says how he's the outcasts cause there's two of us having a pow wow and I'm always talking with DS leaving him out(I may go in DS room and ask where he's going or how was work that type of chat)

DS as never ever had a bad word with him, used to go football with him.
I've told him when you have a child it's for live, not till you've had enough.
I told him I will always be there for DS if he needs me(any age) to which I got told my parents have done fuck all for me! Does he think I shouldn't Help if ever needed?
He's trying to make me choose between him or DS.

He as recently started lying to me (which I caught him out) when he was out for the day.wouldnt say where he'd been(none of my business invasion of privacy) He doesn't get that you don't lie to the one you love and care for,to which he said it's because I'm clingy(which I'm not) we both have days on our own to do things we enjoy but says I pull a face and he knows I'm not happy(which I don't) he's paranoid! Thinks he knows what I'm thinking or going to do.

I can't get through to him that I'm not bothered where he goes, it's the lies he is now telling me to my face that hurts so much, and how he as now decided he no longer wants MY DS(so you don't think it's our son) in the house.

If you were treated like this, would you chose DP over DS???

VixxFace Sun 19-Jul-15 22:13:52

Never would a man be put before my child!

goddessofsmallthings Sun 19-Jul-15 22:17:34

Given the way your not very 'd'p is behaving there's no contest, but who owns the house?

RandomMess Sun 19-Jul-15 22:21:42

Sounds like he has someone else and he wants to be able to blame you/your ds for the relationship breaking down.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Sun 19-Jul-15 22:24:38

He's jealous. You have a good relationship with ds, he feels put out. It was ok when he was a kid, but now he's grown up... If he can't realise that your relationship with ds and him are different, well he needs to grow the fuck up. The other thing may be connected, in fact he sounds defensive. If he hasn't anything to hide, why lie?

Mini05 Sun 19-Jul-15 22:44:26

All of your answers have crossed my mind many times! Wanting to blame me/DS for breakdown! Other woman!
I've told him you came into this relationship was he was 13 now he's grown up you want rid you don't treat people like that(well not people family)
He is defensive when I ask questions, just like oh where'd you get to? Where you going those type of questions, but he looks at it I'm invading his space!!! To me it's normal things you discuss when you come back from being out.
It's the traits of somebody who's got something to hide isn't it?? I know just can't believe it!

He still hasn't/won't say where he was all day after lying where he'd been and kept it up for 2days(don't know how I didn't spill) wanted to just see if he told me. He pretend to DS likes he's his best mate, then to me calls him! Very too faced! Pisses me off and also if arguing shuts the lounge door and says keep it down don't let him hear what your saying.

We both own the house.

TendonQueen Sun 19-Jul-15 22:50:33

Sounds like he wants out and is trying to make it your fault or your DS's. Tell him that's what he's making it look like.

Mini05 Sun 19-Jul-15 23:25:27

I've say today, if you want out just say! I'm trying to be adult about this and your not giving me any thing back.
He did say so how long you gonna give me to think this over(God did I just write that! ) I said till Friday, you know if you want in or out but I'm not carrying on like previously (no holidays,no communication when asked where you've been,spending some money on house decor).
He then turned it later to I've got to get some advice on this,I'm getting my due(to which I've never said differently. He goes from hot to cold within minutes.

I think I know deep down!
He hasn't the balls to end it(looks bad on him, as he wants people to think he's mister nice guy) as I'm not allowed to up my voice in the garden I get hushed up the neighbours!!!
He scared of moving on, loosing stability of what he's got.
He's trying to push me into making the first move to do something regarding the house, so he can say she broke the relationship (person who what's people to think he's a good man etc)

So perhaps I should have some self respect and end it ???

SmillasSenseOfSnow Sun 19-Jul-15 23:35:07

So perhaps I should have some self respect and end it ???

Exactly. It's not his choice whether you stay together or not at this point. It's clear he's a dick that doesn't love or respect you and who is wavering. Not to mention the 'I'm getting my due' bollocks. The insinuation that you would want otherwise for him would wind me up no end. What a pathetic little man. All talk and no trousers.

Mini05 Sun 19-Jul-15 23:59:39

In his head he thinks things should carry on as normal shopping,cooking,communicating like nothing as happened, I can't !

ScoutRifle Mon 20-Jul-15 06:42:30

Then don't for goodness sake. If I offered a get out card and my dh even looked like he was thinking about it I would end the relationship there and then because he clearly has doubts about the marriage and dragging it on is completely pointless. Neither of you are happy and do yourself a favour and put an end to it.
It's no shame to be the one who ended it, at least you have the courage to put this marriage out of its misery.

Elllimam Mon 20-Jul-15 06:47:11

I might go a bit against the grain and can't speak for the lying but you could be describing my dad and brothers relationship up until my brother left home (at 31).

DeckSwabber Mon 20-Jul-15 07:57:21

I kind of agree that this is quite normal.

Its not easy living with young adults who in an ideal world would have left home by this age.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Mon 20-Jul-15 12:29:53

This doesnt sound like the normal adults annoy each other sometimes scenerio.

This sounds like he's thinking, "He's an adult now, he can piss off and I get all of OP's attention"

My friend and her brother live with their DM, while they argue, it's nothing like what OP describe.

LazyLouLou Mon 20-Jul-15 14:15:48

So you have a son who is 25 and lives at home.

Your DP, not DS father, is unhappy with the arrangement not the person, has said so and has had "If you don't like it leave" thrown at him.

Regardless of where he has been going he does have a point.

But, given the other info you posted, it doesn't sound as though you like your DP and his way of living much. So just sit down with him and make the arrangements for you to split up.

But don't do the blame game. Be adult, it has run its course and now you both need to extricate yourselves with dignity.

pocketsaviour Mon 20-Jul-15 14:37:06

I think that as a PP said, your relationship has run its course. And yes I do think he wants out but hasn't got the balls to say so.

However I do think your son might benefit from a few changes in the household when it's just the two of you - it would be good for him to cook a meal for your both on a regular basis, do the shopping for you, etc. And he should be giving you an appropriate amount of rent/housekeeping - I'd say about two-thirds the price of an average 1 bed flat rental in your town (very fair considering he's also getting his laundry done, meals cooked, etc.)

Of course he may be doing some of this already smile

Mini05 Mon 20-Jul-15 18:15:58

It's not only DS being at home still that is just the problem.

He detest the fact that in will MY part of the house is left to DS, he can live in house till he dies then son get my half unless it's used for care home that is!!
Why should he get money, I've never had any!
He's so protective of his things to the extent "you dare not move" as he knows the exact place position he's put it/them
He get free prescription and keeps the gaviston I asked him to get for me(I pay) in his wardrobe and I have to he I can have one(he doesn't need them)
I get accused of going on his laptop(snooping at what he's looking at) never ever done this
My car was broke, he as 2 car and wouldn't let me drive the other till mine was fixed.
DS pedal bike got puncture on way to work" I asked could I borrow other car to put bike in and pick him up the night from work" NO
I had to go pick wheel up, fix puncture and take wheel back to DS work
He needs bike to get him to work and leaves at 6.30am
If I do something he doesn't agree with, I'm then not spoken to all night.
Just a few things top of my head.

I know I have to end it, son is easy going and hard working never brought any trouble home.
Where as now DP as turned into somebody I don't recognise anymore.
I don't know how to go about this because
A. If I tell him house is being valued, I get abuse
B. If I just do it, I'm a sneaky bitch
I was trying to be adult about it on Sunday(and now can't believe I wanted to hear what he said) he's a liar,probably a cheat,paranoid person who thinks everyone is against him and talking about him.

pocketsaviour Mon 20-Jul-15 18:34:59

I get accused of going on his laptop(snooping at what he's looking at) never ever done this

That probably means he's checking yours, so wipe your history if you don't want him knowing you're about to end it.

I would personally book an appt with a solicitor before getting a valuation, just so you know where you stand legally.

Mini05 Mon 20-Jul-15 21:21:45

I've got iPad with code he doesn't know(he's never asked) he doesn't know how it works but old fashioned that way. Doesn't like change ie moving on

Will look at solicitors

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now