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Is DP boring or do I rely on him too much for entertainment?(49 Posts)
I'd just like to start by asking you to be kind. I'm feeling a bit sensitive at the moment and I'm willing to be told that I'm in the wrong, just please be nice about it. Also, I'm not sure I've posted this in the right section, it just seemed to be the most appropriate.
Basically the problem is that I'm bored. I know its a major first world problem and most people have worse things going on.
Bit of background,... DP and I have been together 6 years. We have an almost 2 year old and a 3.10 year old. I'm a sahm but I work on Saturdays. DP used to work full time until a few months ago but due to a injury had to take a few months off. He will be starting his new job in a months time. We are both in our mid 20s. Not sure if all of that will be relevant but I don't want to drip feed.
We've finally got to the stage where the children are both past the baby stage and all the breastfeeding and co sleeping has come to an end. They can be put to bed at 7pm and won't wake up for at least a few hours. Since DC1 has been born, we've been out for one meal. That was about 18 months ago! Fair enough back then, the kids were little and due to breastfeeding and co sleeping we couldn't really leave them. our eldest also had extremely bad separation anxiety. But now there is absolutely no reason why we couldn't pay a babysitter to sit in the house while we went out for a drink or a meal or something.
Anyway, I'll get to the point, DP just doesn't really want to. He's just happy to sit in the house and watch Netflix every single night. I sit in our bedroom watching stuff on the tablet because I've got nothing else to do. If I try and talk to him, I get annoyed because it takes him a minute to answer me because he's too busy on his phone or watching TV. it's like he doesn't want to speak to me. I suggest going out and he pretends to be all up for it until I come to arranging it and then he's tired or can't be bothered or needs to stay in for whatever reason. We've been spending so much time together recently as hes been off work, but its always with the kids. I just want to do some adult only things once a month/6 weeks.
I don't have any proper friends. I've tried but I'm not from here and I've just given up now. I live in large village and its hard to be accepted here, so I can't even go out with other people. DP goes out once a week with his friends so I'm coming to the conclusion that it must be me. Whenever I try to talk about it, he just says that I'm bored all the time and its not normal.
It's not just the evenings that he doesn't like going out. We normally get our shopping delivered as we live out in the middle of nowhere. The other week I lied and said they didn't have any delivery slots left so we would have to actually go and do the shopping ourselves, just so that we didn't have to stay in again. I don't drive so I can't even go out myself. I am just so desperately lonely.
Because of my job, I can't increase my hours. it's a one day only thing. I have been looking for something with more hours though.
so I need to know am I relying on DP too much or is he boring? I do realise that we have kids and we can't be going out to wild parties every night of the week, but other couples with young children still manage to go out once in while don't they? Am I honesty asking for too much?
reading that back, its sounds as though I'm constantly whining that I'm bored and asking to go out constantly, but its really not like that.
If he never wants to go out and always makes excuses, then he is being a bit dull. Plus he gets to see friends once a week so he's in a better starting position than you. However, I think you should press him on that but also keep looking for more things to do yourself. Do you drive? Go to a gym? How about going to the cinema by yourself at least for a change of scene, or a sports class or book club? Doesn't have to be in your village if you can drive. I do think this problem is quite common when kids are small.
Is it the village where he grew up, so he knows people and you don't?
Learn to drive
A large village will have clubs/classes etc on in the evenings - go to one. Make some friends.
Speak to your DP. Find out what's wrong.
I don't drive and the buses are very infrequent. Everything is so far away. The nearest city is nearly 2 hours away by bus.
Yes he grew up here and knows everyone so has all of his friends and family here.
That sounds tough. And your DP I'd not being very helpful!
Is there a toddler group you can join to make friends? A school in the village (thinking ahead a bit)?
As for DP, once he's agreed in principle to doing something,you do the faff of booking the babysitter, choosing where to go, the first few times. Make it a regular thing, once a fortnight, maybe?
I don't think you sound whiny. It's horrible not having friends nearby.
In that case you're definitely not being whiny as you have it very tough and it's easy for him to overlook that. Would moving ever be on the cards?
I've honesty done everything I can to make friends. DC1 has just finished her year at the preschool and I spoke to most of the other parents. I really really tried with them, I tried arranging play dates/ coffee etc but although they are all nice and chatty with me, they just aren't interested in being friends. It was really starting to knock my (already low) confidence.
I go to the toddler group with my youngest and it basically the same thing.
I want to feel like a normal couple with DP. it feels like we are house mates a lot of the time.
We could potentially move in a year or so, but the thing that puts me off is that Dc1 is really settled at the preschool here which is connected to the local primary. It's a great little school and her friends will be moving up to reception with her. Plus DPs family live here. But obviously that's something we'll have to think about when the time comes.
thanks to everyone for replying.
If he's boring that's up to him . You don't need to sit at home at night . Join a gym , learn to drive . Get involved with what's going on locally . Villages are great for things to do . Get a bar Job in your local , great way of meeting people . You both sound In a rut , doesn't mean your not right for each other just need a shake up x
How long have you (both) lived there? Has it just been a problem recently?
If he goes out weekly with his own friends, it seems fair to take you out once a month (I don't think you've asked for a weekly date). I would be wary of building it up in your mind in case the reality doesn't match up to the dream date!
I also think learning to drive would make you feel a bit less trapped.
That really sucks, OP. It sounds really dispiriting.
How long have you lived there? I live in a village with friendly people in, although I would say only my neighbour is a friend. But then I've only lived here 3 years and I reckon it takes me 5 years to feel someone is a friend.
We've lived here almost 4 years. I've always felt a bit lonely, but I'd always been so busy with the kids and DP at work, so a lot of my time was taken up and I hadn't really noticed how bad it was. We've only recently managed to get DC2 out of our bed and I've near enough stopped breast feeding, which led to him sleeping better. I've now got a lot more time in the evenings.
I'm not looking for a perfect date! Even going for a drive or walk alone together would be great. One drink together in the pub having an actual conversation would be lovely.
I know I need to learn to drive. The pub job idea is good. I'll go down tomorrow and see if they need anyone.
I wasn't trying to say that sitting watching Netflix is boring, it's not! But I wish we could cuddle up on the sofa together and talk too. He's re watching a series that we've literally just finished watching.
It sounds like he sees you as a mum instead of a woman. Lots of people think once they're married / settled down , they don't have to make the effort anymore. Dates become a thing of the past and they start to take you for granted. The only thing to do is what others suggest and try to go out more on your own.
I got a dog for the same reason. Life is fun and lovely again
My idea - get an audible subscription so someone is talking to you and go on walks with your dog!
How much have you tried to explain to your DP how you feel? If he's a nice guy and he cares about you then he should be willing to change a bit to make you happy. Sitting in different rooms looking at different screens doesn't sound like much fun.
Can you try to watch the same films or series together for a start some evenings. Also, agree no screens (they can become too much of a habit) a couple of evenings a week and find something else to do. Like play cards, or a board game, or cook a meal together (this is what we sometimes do - plan a nice meal, do the prep together then have a glass of wine while the food's in the oven .. it's nice).
I do think going out together occasionally is important. And that you should definitely learn to drive asap if you can possibly afford to. But I feel that changing the way you both spend time at home in the evenings is really important.
On a slightly different tack, maybe your DP is bored himself? I suspect once he's back to work and more engaged with the world he might be more enthusiastic generally. He sounds pretty lethargic just now and that can happen if you're used to being at work then find yourself stuck at home.
You are both in your mid-20s and life should be more fun than this! Talk to him - don't complain or blame him, just suggest some stuff you can do together. Good luck
Like others have suggested, driving lessons. Especially if you're living in the middle of nowhere.
I was thinking perhaps he may be depressed, but he manages to get out the house with his pals once a week. Why not ask you to come along? How about picnics, days out together?
I was thinking perhaps he may be depressed, but he manages to get out the house with his pals once a week.
And bless you love, I felt sad for you, reading that you had to fabricate a reason for him to just take you shopping. I've not been well for a bit, somewhat housebound. Went to the supermarket the other day with DH, and he said how much he enjoyed it. Just that one tiny thing.
Learn to drive. Join the gym. What about a book club?
To me it sounds like a combination of him being set in his ways combined with you not having your independence where you live (infrequent public transport, no local friends).
Could you tell your DP that you are feeling isolated and would like to do more together seeing as it is difficult to get out and about and that you need a change of scenery because who doesn't from time to time?! My boyfriend is a gamer and would happily spend the whole weekend indoors gaming but is also happy to go out so long as I make the arrangements/suggestions. Some people would find this frustrating but I don't mind. Had you thought of throwing caution to the wind and just making the plans? Tell him you need to get out for your own sanity so be free on Xday. Then book a babysitter, buy cinema tickets or book a table in a restaurant. If he refuses to go, then call a cab and go on your own. This isn't ideal obviously but I do think that you need to at least try this set in stone method just to test the waters and see if he's just being a bit set in his ways or if there's a larger problem. His reaction will let you know. If it's the former, then as my mother used to say about school "he'll enjoy it when he gets there"
I don't think going out for a meal once a fortnight will resolve your feelings of boredom though. If you really can't move somewhere less off the beaten track then I'd seriously look into learning to drive. Also turn to the Internet - how about a home study course? Depending on your budget you can do little independent workshops on just about any subject all the way up to a degree. I'm stuck indoors a lot due to health and doing a degree or other course keeps you busy plus provides an online community to participate in. Revisit an old hobby or find a new one. Photography? Art? Also, find some stuff on Netflix or on a catch up service that you can watch together with your DP . I highly recommend The 100, Hannibal, Helix, Heros, Breaking Bad, Walking Dead... Something that you can discuss and place bets on the plot twists or find a nice series to watch yourself. Brothers & Sister's and the L Word are both series my boyfriend didn't want to watch but I loved.
This is a very long reply, sorry. Insomnia does that
Could you volunteer at the school or other place in the village until you've learnt to drive and can go further afield? Or see if Cinnamon trust have need of volunteers in your area - they arrange dog walkers so elderly / disabled people can keep their dogs; you'd go for nice walks with a dog you wouldn't have full responsibility for rest of the time, and have someone eager for company to chat to before or after walks?
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