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Struggling to like DH at the moment :(

(11 Posts)
squigglehead Sun 19-Jul-15 19:56:26

In a practical sense he's fabulous and supportive. Does 50% of the housework, is great with DS and parents evenly when he's home (I am a SAHM at the moment, DS is only little).

But he's just so fucking grumpy. Over everything. All the fucking time. Grumpy and critical, complains and criticises every little thing.I call him on this all the time, I don't lie down and take it, but nothing changes. And he knows it pisses me off and he'll say things like "I'm sorry om being so grumpy/difficult today, love. It's just that I'm too hot/too tired/my back hurts/etc etc etc". Is it just me, or are none of those reasons to be a grumpy snappy arsehole to your wife? He's miraculously fine with DS and never talks to his friends like this. When he's in a bad mood around them he's just quiet.

I've talked to him about this and how it makes me feel over and over again. He always apologises and nothing ever changes. He's never going to change. At the beginning of our relationship he was less grumpy and claims (in a very matter of fact, non-passive aggressive way) that its because we had more sex back then. 9 month old DS doesn't sleep well, I am totally exhausted all the time. And the more grumpy he is at me, the less I am in any way interested, so that's not going to get fixed until he's nicer to be around.

I hate the way he talks to me in front of DS (its the same way FiL is to MiL...). I am embarrassed in front of my friends that I have a husband who is like this. I hate it and I don't know what to do anymore. I can't see a future for us if it carries on like this and that thought breaks my heart sad

I've thought about having relationship counselling but I really don't fancy explaining to anyone why we'd need a babysitter for it, and anyway DS is that easy to leave at this point. I'm just upset and extremely fed up and I just had to get it out somewhere I guess sad

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 19-Jul-15 20:04:44

"And the more grumpy he is at me, the less I am in any way interested, so that's not going to get fixed until he's nicer to be around".

Have you told him this v e r y s l o w l y and in words of one syllable?

If he can put a lid on it when he's at work or around people outside the family, then he's doing it on purpose to punish you. You're not a child who needs chastisement, you're an adult who is deserving of respect. If he's got a problem then he needs to discuss what it is with you without being bloody rude and objectionable. If he can't or won't do that, then he's got to go.

pocketsaviour Sun 19-Jul-15 20:12:32

I hate the way he talks to me in front of DS (its the same way FiL is to MiL...)

Well there's your explanation for why he's like it AND your reason for putting a stop to it - he'll pass this on to DS, who will treat his own wife like it.

Does he recognise the need to change? Have you told him how serious this is, that you're re-considering the marriage?

dodi1978 Sun 19-Jul-15 20:31:07

Hi!

I've been in a similar situation with my DH - exactly as you describe. Last year, it came to a head, and having cried my eyes out virtually to mumsnet during the course of a day, I wrote him a letter explaining how it makes me feel and what effect it has on me.

I have to say, this has helped as he has recognised patterns in his own behaviour that he hated in his own father. He will probably never be a "glass half full" person, but can now sometimes laugh about his own behaviour.

It talking doesn't help (I always get too emotional), maybe a letter would. Good luck!

goddessofsmallthings Sun 19-Jul-15 20:32:21

You are going to have to spell it out to him and if that doesn't work, write it out and send it to him as what he's doing is mirroring the behaviour of his dps and he needs to recognise that fact and rein himself in otherwise he won't have a dw to be grumpy to.

The realisation that he's turned into his df may be sufficient to give him pause for thought, but if he can't break the pattern he may benefit from counselling to move him on from replicating the way in which his df treated, and no doubt continues to treat, his dm.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 19-Jul-15 20:36:16

X posted with dodi. This is something only your h can fix and it seems to me you should encourage him by making it a dealbreaker otherwise your ds is likely to have the same issues in his adult relationships.

squigglehead Mon 20-Jul-15 12:57:43

Thanks everyone for your replies. I sat down with him after DS was (finally!) in bed and talked it through. He got upset as he knows he does it and he really doesn't want to be like his dad. He certainly doesn't want DS to end up like it.

I suggested taking up exercise as its fallen by the wayside since DS was born (tiredness) and used to help him work stuff out and not take out little things on others. He has also agreed to try some mindfulness meditation as I know he used to do similar a few years ago and it helped him then, too. He is on board, hopefully will stay so with my steering/prodding and I'll have my lovely DH back instead of a psuedo-FiL! Thanks again flowers

BallsforEarrings Mon 20-Jul-15 13:14:10

I had/have this with my DH and it is a personality trait but it really grates on me as I'm a positive upbeat person who sees negative 'moaning' as self-indulgent.

After a few years of 'talks' about it and promises to improve we had the most massive bust up about something else and I told him it (the something else) was a deal breaker and I was at least glad to be getting shut of the misery that was him and how fucking depressed he made me and everyone feel.

We didn't split up because it turned out he didn't do the (something) he had been the victim of a set-up by a twisted family member who hated him, so although I sympathised about that, I also explained that since me getting used to the fact we were going separate ways I had realised I hadn't wanted to live with the misery of him any more and had got used to the fact I wouldn't be putting up with it so therefore I wouldn't be and if he slipped back to misery again I was definitely leaving for a rosier future without this constant MOANING in it.

He changed a lot as best he could because he came close to losing me at that time and it was real not just 'talks'. He is still moany but I have very little tolerance for it and can get him to snap out of it now and stop grinding me down with it, this has made me appreciate his better attributes so I like him more now and everyone's a winner.

wanderings Mon 20-Jul-15 13:34:43

I agree about putting it in a letter. It can be an effective way to communicate on difficult issues; it can be harder to "ignore" a letter. Occasionally my DP and I have done this for each other, and I used to do it with my parents (when I thought they were favouring my brother).

PoppyField Mon 20-Jul-15 13:55:53

Definitely worth tackling this problem as soon as you can. You have noticed all the salient points i.e. that he only does it to you and can manage not to do it to work colleagues, friends and family. This means he does not have an anger problem, but it is all directed at punishing you. He has to recognise it and take responsibility for it and you have to keep making sure he knows it is unacceptable and a potential dealbreaker.

There is something about having children that makes some men turn into to their dads, or at least turn the clock back half a century in terms of their attitude to women. My XH seemed to think that me being a SAHM turned me into some kind of underling or servant, one that needed to have their faults and failures pointed out 24/7. And he was fucking grumpy - but again, only at me, he was sweetness itself to the children. Unlike yours, he didn't take responsibility for behaving like an abusive arsehole as soon as we became parents. We are now divorced. I hope that isn't how it goes for you. Well done for standing up for yourself and having the energy for 'the talk' early on. Don't feel bad about going to Relate/counselling if you feel you need it; just get a babysitter. You could always hire them for a few hours and go out for something to eat before or after your session.

Good luck.

dodi1978 Mon 20-Jul-15 20:45:35

Good luck, OP! You may have to remind him of his promises every now and then, but for me, it was worth the fight.

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