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Husband is selfish or just me?(20 Posts)
I just wanted some advice as I feel I have no one to talk too. We have a one year old baby but my husband doesn't think this should change what he does.My husband is going on a stag do abroad for his best mate in September for 5 days which I don't have a Problem with. He now just informs me that his friend from uni is having a stag weekend abroad 3 weeks before the 5 day stag do and he would like to go. I think it is totally unacceptable as its too close together but he just expects me to not have a problem with it. He says that I just want to stop him doing things and he will do anything for me if I am happy for him to go on this. he says he is willing to compromise but his compromise is not going, his compromise is getting me anything I want or paying for me to go away. I don't want to go away and leave my son yet as I think he is too young. I have stopped all my hobbies and sacrificed a lot since the birth of my son but my husband has just continued with his hobbies and I think this is where resentment has set in. He also has a season ticket for football and goes most weekends to this. With the football and these 2 possible stag dos abroad he won't be spending any family time with us in August. Maybe I am being unreasonable and would like him not to go on this other stag do but he just seems intent on going no matter what I think. This puts me in a difficult position as I just feel like if he goes on this stag do then he has done his own thing again and this isn't he life I want for the future with him. In my eyes it's completely selfish but maybe that's because I am a woman. I have said in anger of he goes then I will have to think about our marriage and whether I want to continue like this. I honestly think he thinks I am joking though and is going to go anyway no matter what I think.Any advice would be welcome.
Hmm, I can see why this would annoy you, and it isn't ideal that they are so close together.
But, I think he has the right to go.
I think ending your marriage over this is slightly extreme, are you worried what he might get upto while on these stag dos or is it just the fact that he won't be spending time with you and DC?
I have stopped all my hobbies and sacrificed a lot since the birth of my son but my husband has just continued with his hobbies
OK, so why have you stopped your hobbies? It sounds like your H would be happy for you to have continued as he offered for you to go away yourself.
I can understand that the timing of this second do isn't brilliant. Is it a friend he sees often?
I'd have a problem with Him going on two so close together to but personally I don't think you should stop doing your hobbies or your kid is too young for you to go away.
You do have to make sacrifices when you have kids but like you said it's more about a compromise than a total end to things you enjoy.
Could he go for two or three of the five days? How long is the other stag do? (Do people commonly have five day stags?)
Could he take a few extra days leave from work so you get the family time you want?
And seriously, pick at least one hobby back up. It will do you and baby good.
This is a husband who goes to the football most weekends. So, that leaves only one day out of the whole week where the OP could pursue any of her hobbies or spend any decent "couple-time" with him.
Honestly, he sounds more like a flat-mate than a spouse.
He has no appreciation of what looking after a baby is like, because he's apparently never done it. So, painful as you may find it, I think you need to book yourself a weekend away. Just one night but two full days. It will do you good to have some 'me' time, it sounds like you've been a bit too fervent in sacrificing your entire life to your PFB - very easily done (esp when you've got rubbish support at home) but it's time to start reclaiming yourself.
If he will do 'anything' (although I note he actually said 'get anything') in return for this stag do, what about giving up his season ticket? I don't think something that takes the secondary carer (i.e. one who does less during the week) away nearly every weekend is an acceptable co-parenting arrangement.
I think if he's presented with this 'choice' you will discover he's not actually willing to compromise at all.
I'd have more of a bee in my bonnet about the season ticket than the stag dos tbh. If he's happy to repay the stag do time in kind then I think that's ok. There will come a time when you're going to want to cash in your free time to yourself tokens, so it's all good on the stag do front imo.
Yanbu if you have a young child.. There's plenty of time for partying and hobbies when child is a bit older!
Dh should pick one stag do only, unless both are brothers or best friend.
To be fair, he's not had any input in the timing of the stag dos.
For me, it would depend a bit more on how close the grooms are to him - if it's a really close relation or friend then I'd be fine with dh going. If it's just joining a group of 30 odd that he knows, but isn't necessarily that close to, then I wouldn't have a problem.
I think the issue here isn't the fact he is still doing things he did before you had your dc, but that you decided to give them all up.
IMO, you need to arrange to do something each week, that gives you some relaxation / fun / enjoyment. There is no need to stop everything just because you have a child. Nobody loves a martyr.
he will do anything for me if I am happy for him to go on this
Put his words to the test. Ask him to sign an agreement whereby he only goes to his team's home games and doesn't spend more than 2 hours in the pub afterwards, prioritises family time at weekends over his other hobbies/his mates and undertakes to care for dc from Friday evening thru to Sunday evening once a month so that you can go away/do your own thing if you should want to do so.
He needs to grow the fuck up and start being a decent role model for his ds and you need to stop being a martyr to the cause of motherhood as it doesn't require you to put your life on hold in order to raise dc.
Yes, I agree that while timing (and length- 5days?!) of the stag do Are shit, the main problem is that he is off every weekend. And you do nothing away from the dc. So of course there's resentment.
Yes, please don't be a martyr any longer. Get at least one hobby or social arrangement per week. Even if that hobby is simply having time to yourself (I like that hobby!) and you always get time on, say, a Thursday night, so you could go to the cinema or go to a friend's house or go to a class at a gym or whatever. And you divide other available leisure time equally. And household chores. Your baby isn't your jailer, you are allowed the freedom of going out of the house to do something enjoyable that only positively impacts you, you're a real live person.
i just read your post OP and realised I'm in a very very similar position at the moment and i know how you feel and how resentment can creep in so easily when you never get time to do what you want. My DH just got home at 7pm tonight from a stag do. He left on Thursday afternoon so I've had a tiring 3 days trying to entertain my 11mth old singlehandedly.
I'm reading the advice here and hoping to apply it myself
Your DH behaves selfishly, absolutely. Selfish people IME usually do not change, so I believe you should make your decisions with that very much in mind. Good luck.
Just to be honest, I found it exceptionally difficult to be away from dd, however, I actually think its damaging to not prioritise yourself at any time in life, and I think it's really damaging to not prioritise yourself after a period of great change and massive responsibility.
In my case, I was outperforming my previous self like anything. I became organised, disciplined, strong in a lot of ways. I stood up for myself and my dd against very domineering family members (I am normally very soft and previously would just lay down and let people walk all over me so that was hard, and a shock for everyone, including me!). I had to learn SO much about how to care for a tiny little baby. Yet my position in my own home, in my life, was practically that of a skivvy. I never asked for time for me. If I had a bath by myself it was like a birthday treat.
In the end, the first step to freedom was frog marching myself to the cinema. Two hours in the dark watching a great film, by myself. I put my phone on silent. It felt bloody amazing. I had been essentially working full time and on call 24/7 for 7 months by the time I went out. Nuts. Prioritise yourself.
Op I get where you are coming from. When my DD was 1 yo my DP also had a season ticket to the football, was out most Friday nights at another sporting event and also regularly played football with his workmates which meant I did A LOT of the work. And yes I became very resentful.
I'd given up a lot of my previous life to look after my DD but that was because I wanted to. I wanted to spend as much time with my DD as possible and I just couldn't understand why my DP wasn't wanting to do the same thing and stay home too. I'll probably get flamed for this comment but I think women naturally want to stay home with their babies rather than go out and get drunk, play sports, hen weekends...etc. Men don't seem to form that same kind of strong attachment although that doesn't mean that they love their baby any less, just in a different way from mums. Well that is how I have since justified it to myself. The thing is looking after a baby is such hard work that when your partner doesn't want to muck in as much it's easy for everything to become unbalanced which leads to resentment.
If you're feeling snowed under you need to somehow make him listen and form a compromise. You probably won't want a five day holiday away from your baby but how about 2-3 hours 3 times a week when your DH looks after baby while you go to the gym or have your hair done, go for a walk or get back to doing hobbies. You'll feel so much better for it by having a break.
I can totally understand why you feel like this as he is not prioritising family or couple time.Where you spend your time or money shows what you care about.Has he always been like this? Will these do's be 1 off's or likely to be a regular pattern?' I think if these are events for good close family/best friends then its more understandable.
I think if you feel this will be your life (him prioritsing friends & hobbies over family) then its fair to consider ending the marriage .Without each of you investing in the relationship you are not likely to have a good marriage.
My DH needs to spend time on his hobbies in a way that doesn't affect me.He has time away but if I felt way down on his list I would not feel like we had a balanced or healthy relationship.
A part time husband isn't perhaps what you signed up for
You're not going to get your H to be a more involved father if you present parenthood as a life of self-sacrifice and whiny martyrdom. Book yourself a night/day out or a weekend away: you need time to have fun and indulge yourself.
These long stag do/hen do's are taking the Michael if you ask me.. They put financial pressure on the couple and they also open up the marriage to inappropriate behaviours, especially when children come along...
Men and women should prioritise the family unit not forgo their responsibilities to go get pissed for five days.. People need to grow up...
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