I have been a carer for more than half my adult life. Dm lost my dad when I was very early twenties, she had me late in life and developed arthritis twenty years ago. I've always helped out, as have my two siblings to a slightly lesser degree. As well as working full time and being a single parent for a while. Mum is now badly disabled and after more than 5 years of having to visit almost daily, cut short holidays and abandon hopes of weekend breaks, etc she now has full time carers. I still visit often, but no longer have to do lots of the physically hard work of caring. I can even take a holiday. My dc is now in her late teens and doesn't need me as much. Dh has told me in the ten years we've been together that my took up a lot of our marriage (which is true) and that he looked forward to having more of a life together. Ok, mil was recently widowed , she lives in another country and is only in her seventies and in good health. Dh is very much a mummy's boy and adores her. He has now started saying she can't be left alone (depressed) and has invited her here. I don't mind this, although our house is tiny. But I know I'll do the lions share of looking after her during her visit. We are also visiting her for a few weeks & dh has already told me she will come everywhere with us as he worries she'll be lonely. She lives with my sil, so is not alone. Am I being selfish in not wanting to look after another elderly relative? I would help in any emergency but I'm sick of being a carer and long to have a bit of a life doing what I want for once. Dh thinks I owe him for all the time I had to spend looking after my mum, and now he should make the rules. Sorry for long post.
You might owe him for the time you spent looking after a relative but that means the roles need to be properly reversed and he does all the care. If that isn't going to happen the situation isn't the same.
If your DH wants to spend a lot of time looking after his Mum you can't really say much as you have done that with your Mum. It isn't fair of him to expect you to be her carer though. If he is inviting her he will need to shoulder most of the work. If you have a job go to work as normal-be perfectly pleasant but don't take on the responsibility. Compromise on holidays-you can't have her with you all the time. If she is recently widowed she may be less depressed when some time has passed. She may just need a bit of support in the short term.
No, mil would not be living with us. It would be a two week visit. She is very high maintenance and being a champion cook herself, would expect me to be the same (I'm not!) dh works even longer hours than me, so I would be the one spending more time with her. I have never asked dh to help with my mum & would be happy for him to visit his mum on his own as often as he likes. I just feel fed up of being the good daughter/daughter in law. I want to rebel !!!!