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Am I being selfish re mil. ?

(14 Posts)
mrsmillsfanclub Sun 19-Jul-15 17:58:36

I have been a carer for more than half my adult life. Dm lost my dad when I was very early twenties, she had me late in life and developed arthritis twenty years ago. I've always helped out, as have my two siblings to a slightly lesser degree. As well as working full time and being a single parent for a while. Mum is now badly disabled and after more than 5 years of having to visit almost daily, cut short holidays and abandon hopes of weekend breaks, etc she now has full time carers. I still visit often, but no longer have to do lots of the physically hard work of caring. I can even take a holiday. My dc is now in her late teens and doesn't need me as much. Dh has told me in the ten years we've been together that my took up a lot of our marriage (which is true) and that he looked forward to having more of a life together. Ok, mil was recently widowed , she lives in another country and is only in her seventies and in good health. Dh is very much a mummy's boy and adores her. He has now started saying she can't be left alone (depressed) and has invited her here. I don't mind this, although our house is tiny. But I know I'll do the lions share of looking after her during her visit. We are also visiting her for a few weeks & dh has already told me she will come everywhere with us as he worries she'll be lonely. She lives with my sil, so is not alone. Am I being selfish in not wanting to look after another elderly relative? I would help in any emergency but I'm sick of being a carer and long to have a bit of a life doing what I want for once. Dh thinks I owe him for all the time I had to spend looking after my mum, and now he should make the rules. Sorry for long post.

nilbyname Sun 19-Jul-15 18:01:16

I think your points are very valid and your dh should prioritise you.

I agree - if your DH has seen fit to invite his mother over, presumably he has made arrangements for her that don't require your constant presence? If not, why not (would be my question).

Shukran008 Sun 19-Jul-15 18:03:52

Invited her long term?
Why cant she stay with sil? If he wants to be her carer that's his choice.

Jengnr Sun 19-Jul-15 18:04:30

You might owe him for the time you spent looking after a relative but that means the roles need to be properly reversed and he does all the care. If that isn't going to happen the situation isn't the same.

BabyGanoush Sun 19-Jul-15 18:04:55

How do you owe him lolking after HIS mum, for having looked so much after your own mum?

What a weird, warped logic.

I could see how he can argue it's only fair for HIM after HIS mum.

You then have to avoid doing the lions share of caring by being out (on your own) a lot and to not fall into the wifework trap.

Tequilashotfor1 Sun 19-Jul-15 18:05:31

No your not. YOU looked after your mother not your DH, if he wants her to come live with you HE must do the lions work. If he can't commit to it then it's not fair you have to.

drudgetrudy Sun 19-Jul-15 18:08:57

If your DH wants to spend a lot of time looking after his Mum you can't really say much as you have done that with your Mum. It isn't fair of him to expect you to be her carer though. If he is inviting her he will need to shoulder most of the work.
If you have a job go to work as normal-be perfectly pleasant but don't take on the responsibility.
Compromise on holidays-you can't have her with you all the time.
If she is recently widowed she may be less depressed when some time has passed. She may just need a bit of support in the short term.

Whocansay Sun 19-Jul-15 18:14:54

You OWE him and now he should make the rules?!!! If he actually said that or anything like it, LTB. I cannot see how you can get passed that. That is such an incredibly controlling statement.

Of course you aren't being selfish. If he thinks she requires care, he can do it.

mrsmillsfanclub Sun 19-Jul-15 18:27:20

No, mil would not be living with us. It would be a two week visit. She is very high maintenance and being a champion cook herself, would expect me to be the same (I'm not!) dh works even longer hours than me, so I would be the one spending more time with her. I have never asked dh to help with my mum & would be happy for him to visit his mum on his own as often as he likes. I just feel fed up of being the good daughter/daughter in law. I want to rebel !!!!

Skiptonlass Sun 19-Jul-15 19:24:19

Have her to stay by all means, but explain to your dh that HE will be doing the bulk of the work...just like you did with your mum.

Does he not see what a weird viewpoint he has? "You've neglected me by looking after your mum, now look after mine." That's just.... Bizarre.

I mean I could understand "you've spent so long looking after your mum, it's time for us to have time together now" but not "right, now it's your turn to look after my mum." She's HIS mother. Jeez.

Shukran008 Sun 19-Jul-15 19:24:33

He should take annual leave when she is here then, if he wants her to visit then he needs to make time for her.

mrsmillsfanclub Sun 19-Jul-15 20:11:57

Thanks for all the replies. I guess I've been a carer for so long it's almost ingrained in me to expect to stop my own life to look after someone else. You've given me much food for thought.

drudgetrudy Sun 19-Jul-15 20:35:11

Yes-if he invites her he will need to take annual leave for most of the days she is with you and cook some of the meals.

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