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My marriage is over but he's still here..(42 Posts)
I have name-changed for this but I've been around for a long time. Back story is..
I have been with H for 9 years and married for 7. DS is 7. We haven't had any affection in 4 years and by that I mean no sex, no cuddles, no hand holding, no kissing, no nothing. Our marriage is over but, until last Christmas, I didn't feel strong enough emotionally or financially to go it alone.
I told him a couple of weeks before Christmas that I wanted to separate and, while he was very upset, this seemed more about how DS would cope, how his parents would react, where he would live (the house is mine) and what he would drive (the car is my company car). There was no mention of me, how he loved me, couldn't be without me etc which made me realise that he felt the same about our marriage. Subsequent conversations were better and he accepts the marriage is over.
But he's still here, living with us. He asked for six months to enable to him to save some money and we also stopped pooling our money so that he could save (he brings home 4-500 more than me a month). Also, I've been paying all the household bills (mortgage, gas, electric, sky, water, council tax) for the last two months to enable him to save even more. The cost of the car is also deducted from my wages so he's not contributing to that either. He pays half the food/fuel, half of our couple of remaining direct debits and half of DS's stuff. I can afford it (and will have to when he leaves anyway) so it's not a massive problem but I am starting to feel bitter about it.. He has a huge debt repayment each month and says this will affect his ability to afford a flat but he CAN get the monthly amount reduced so I don't really buy that one.
The problem is that one of his parents has been very ill and it was touch and go whether they would survive for a while. He absolutely refused to do anything about moving until they were better and I just let it carry on as I was upset too. But it looks like they are going to be OK now and I want to get things moving as I want to start moving on with my life.
Reading this back, I realise I sound like a prize mug but it's really not been like that. I genuinely don't want to hurt him as he's a lovely bloke, a great dad, looks after me and DS by cooking etc (although can't see obvious things that need doing around the house which is annoying) and it's been an awful time for us. DS was ill and hospitalised recently too which didn't help.
If I mention him moving out he either rares up at me and makes me feel shit or he gets upset and makes me feel shit. But I'm really unhappy now and want to reclaim my life - how do I go about it? I cannot just confront him and tell him to leave as I don't want to upset him, but I need a strategy (almost to make it seem like it's his idea) to get him looking for flats to rent before I end up hating him and yelling at him to just leave.
What do I do and how do I do it? Anyone been in this situation?
In my opinion you see a lawyer who sends him a letter re paying half the bills or being out by X date.
I do believe he is taking advantage of you and perhaps YOU need to start raring up at him about it... especially as you're paying all the bills and NOT getting child support. You may not want child support but him being there is increasing the bills and his lack of paying is decreasing the amount you have left for DS.
I don't want him to pay half as that would lead him to believe he's staying. When I don't want him too. A lawyer is a good plan though.
If it is both of your house unfortunately he has as much right to be there as you do.
Would you consider moving out? Or perhaps selling up so that you can get two smaller houses
If you're living as a separated couple he should be paying child support surely?
I'd also recommend seeing a lawyer. You could say to him we either have a civilised discussion about you moving out or I speak to a lawyer about it - see what he says. Pick your moment though - not at a stressful time
The house is mine. I bought it 14 years ago which is why I'm staying there with DS. I will tell him he can take whatever he wants or needs as I want to replace most of the major stuff anyway.
He moved into mine straight from home so didn't have much of a clue how to live as an adult. He still can't iron and refuses to try so will have to pay someone to do it when he moves. I've taught him the rest.
If you're married, the house will be seen as a joint asset.
If you are married, you need to see a solicitor as not sure how much 'the house is mine' line would stand if it is your family home.
if you are married the house is half his.
OK so I need to see a lawyer then. Any idea how I can start the conversation with H? I like the point above about asking for a civil discussion but I just keep bottling it. I'm a nightmare I know.
If you are sure it's the end of your relationship then presumably you want to divorce. Tell him that.
You might want to go to a solicitor first to get your facts straight and then tell your h you are going to start divorce proceedings.
During the divorce, all the financials will be sorted including how to divide all assets which will include your house. Don't assume anything until you get legal advice. A solicitor will also advise how to get him out of the family home if he won't go.
You really need legal advice, the house is a marital assest and he's probably been advised not to move out.
TBB had hasn't got it in him to seek legal advice although I will be suggesting he does. He's very much a 'head in the sand' type of person. If he doesn't think about it, it won't happen. Hence why I'm the driving force behind everything.
It's very rare he will ever do anything spontaneously or even measured. If I ask he will but other than that, no.
- That you would prefer not to have to go down the legal route to have him removed from the property but that if he does not co-operate as he'd originally agreed, then you will take legal steps.
- That he has four weeks from today to find somewhere else to live and to move his things out of your house.
It's not her house, it's their house. The op does need to take legal advice, but it's not as easy as just kicking him out. Would you say this if the genders were reversed?
See a solicitor, ask specifically as to his rights to reside in the house and whether or not it's a marital asset.
I'd suggest not raising the issues with him until you have spoken to a solicitor and had your position explained. You want to be dealing with him from a place of knowledge and strength. You don't want to agree to something with him and then find out you were in a stronger position than you thought.
As far as him seeking legal advice, that's his problem and decision. I wouldn't suggest it to him. Let him learn to make his own decisions!
OP you might have owned the house before you married but the day you signed that marriage cert it became an asset of the marriage. It's half his now, and he could decide to force a sale, or for you to remortgage in order for him to take his share of the equity to afford to move out.
You might think you can cast him off like a used hanky but you can't. What if the shoe was on the other foot, would you go quietly?
I suspect it might come down to a financial inducement to get him to leave
Ideally he would leave willingly (eventually.) But if he won't, you might need to wait for divorce. Or even more drastic action as I was forced to take.
Do you have much equity in the house, could you buy him out? You need to consider all the assets, pensions, house etc and work out something that means the split is equitable.This is the best approach to a 'fair' settlement that will enable you to both move on.
Have you agreed how childcare will be handled when you separate?
I would ask him for a good time to go through the separation details and then take it from there.
Definitely speak to an attorney. It is my understanding that if you bought the house prior to marriage and it wasn't purchased with the intent to be the "family home" then it's not a marital asset but he may have a claim on some of the equity built during the marriage.
Being nice is all well and good, but you've "been nice" for 7 months now and it's not working, so it's time to play hard ball.
Sykadelic, your understanding is not correct. The house, regardless of who originally owned it or for how long before marriage, is now an asset of the marriage and he now co-owns half of it. In reality he might be persuaded agree to piss off with a couple of grand in his pocket to fund his onward move BUT (huge but) this needs for be formally agreed IN WRITING so he can't come back in ten year's time and claim more.
If a marriage is not a pooling of all assets then what is it?
Sykadelic's use of "attorney" makes me think s/he may be posting from the US, where marital asset laws are somewhat different.
Thanks for all your comments. It was my house before he moved in but I understand it could be deemed as a marital asset. I definitely plan to speak to a lawyer to find where I stand.
I think asset wise (excluding the house), we're about the same. Both have final salary schemes and life cover. There's about Â£10k in the house and I'd be happy to give him some money to leave. As well as what he's managed to save while I've been paying all the bills
I need to woman up and just have it out with him calmly and rationally. He's DS's dad (and a great dad) so I'd never see him short but he needs to realise that he can get a nice flat, still have Sky Sports and have a life without me running it for him.
Thank you all, you've given me lots to think about. I'm starting some counselling on Tuesday to help me manage the situation as I could feel myself slipping and didn't want to end up back on ADs.
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