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Dating etiquette. Not sure if this would be wrong...

(17 Posts)
HuckleberryMishMash Sun 19-Jul-15 15:05:08

This is a new situation for me and I would appreciate a few other people's view on this...

I've been doing online dating for a while. I'm 32 and am getting to the point where, because having children is important to me, I am hoping to find a relationship that will lead to settling down and having a family.

Recently I've been exchanging messages with two different guys.

I've just had a 2nd date with one of them who I will meet up with again next week for a 3rd date. I'm attracted to him in some ways but I don't have that feeling of him being a potential Mr Right. However, I can be guilty of over-thinking things (and have been very wrong in the past anyway) so I think that as I have enjoyed the first two dates I should meet up with him again and see how things go. He is also keen on seeing me, but I think feels similar about me as I do him and also I don't think he's looking to settle down yet really, so we're having a good time but possibly not long-term relationship compatible.

The second guy I've been chatting with has suggested meeting up for a drink this week.

Would I be treating both chaps unfairly if I go and meet up with the second guy when I know that I'm planning on seeing the first guy again (unless of course I really hit it off with the second guy in which I case I would let down the first guy gently)?

Argh! It's a minefield. I don't think it's acceptable to be seeing two guys at once, but is it the same with online dating and when it's just a 2nd date that's been had?

Wrapdress Sun 19-Jul-15 15:10:13

If you haven't had the "exclusive" talk, date as many guys as you want to at the same time. Online dating is a numbers game.

stardusty5 Sun 19-Jul-15 15:14:44

Agreed, until you've agreed to be a couple then you can date as many as you like, and assume that they are too. Having more than one option also can stop you getting too emotionally invested too early

InTheBox Sun 19-Jul-15 15:15:01

I'm afraid you'll have to cast your net far and wide. You might find that over time none of these two are for you. In the meantime enjoy the dates with both men, it's not a marriage proposal.

HirplesWithHaggis Sun 19-Jul-15 15:19:20

In my mum's day (she's in her 80's) dating several men was the way to go. It kept them on their toes in the wooing stakes, and stopped a deeper, perhaps more passionate relationship developing "too soon". grin She was quite horrified that my generation (I'm in my 50's) expected to be boy/girlfriend, exclusively, from the beginning, though relationships didn't often last very long.

I guess this is a mixture of both! Do what feels right to you - in your shoes, I'd be dating more than one.

sykadelic Sun 19-Jul-15 15:22:10

Agreed that until you have the exclusive chat they're probably seeing other people as well. I believe that if you were really keen on either though you wouldn't be seeing both, so I don't think you're "there" yet in terms of picking a "winner".

If you're worried, you could always mention in passing a prior situation where it wasn't exclusive and see how they act.

Oh and my yard stick is normally dating does not equal sex but some people are different so it doesn't hurt to ask that (compatibility and all that)

HuckleberryMishMash Sun 19-Jul-15 15:32:49

Thanks to everyone for responding.

Sykadelic, I agree with you about if I was really keen on either I wouldn't be seeing both and would definitely say that applies in an off-line situation.

The thing I've found with online dating is that until you actually meet someone in person you can't really tell if you're right for each other or not so until I meet the second guy I won't know how I feel about him.

There's also an element here of guy 1 being a bit of a bit of a bad boy so quite exciting, where as I think guy 2 seems like a good honest chap...

I'll go ahead with the date and make a call on who I keep seeing after that.

HirplesWithHaggis Sun 19-Jul-15 16:23:10

If guy 1 is a bit of a bad boy, he's not breeding material, no matter how exciting. <wags finger>


Yes, see guy 2, maybe see him a few times too, he might take longer to grow on you. Good luck!

HuckleberryMishMash Tue 21-Jul-15 23:04:11

Just in case anyone wants an update...

I've had my date with Guy 2 this evening. We're definitely not a match! He was a perfectly nice guy but we're not on the same wavelength/outlook at all. The date was hard work. I seemed to constantly have to think of new topics to ask him about.

It has put in perspective for me how amazing it is that Guy 1 and I hit it off within five minutes of the start of our first date and how easily we get along and how much fun the dates have been.

sykadelic Sat 25-Jul-15 01:59:10

Excellent update OP smile Also, just remember because Guy 1 is better than Guy 2, doesn't mean you should settle if you're not 100% happy. There are some great guys (plural) out there but sometimes you have to meet a couple of frogs smile

HuckleberryMishMash Sat 25-Jul-15 09:08:20

Ha, there's no danger of that Sykadelic .

I'm very picky! I've had dates with around 15 guys since I started the OD thing just before Christmas. If anything, my friends say that I'm too picky!

Guy 1 is turning out to be very good company and after another good date with him yesterday I have to say that I fancy the pants off him grin

sykadelic Sun 26-Jul-15 00:22:44

Excellent smile

princesspink7404 Sun 26-Jul-15 00:55:01

HuckleberryMishMash sounds very positive.

I dabbled in the OD thing - I found it horrendous, men just seemed to want sex. One told me because I had put no commitment just friendship I meant I just wanted a shag. I changed my profile to looking for a relationship, I had a few messages asking to meet up for a drink and more .....! Some had even messaged before I had put a couple of pics. I have dabbled around 3 times on/off of OD but have decided against it. I wasn't interested in flirting with anybody before I had even said a polite hello and got to know them (I'm clearly very old fashioned).

Good to hear you have had good fun on there. Keep us updated flowers

HuckleberryMishMash Sun 26-Jul-15 10:35:37

The OD thing is tedious princesspink . I had over 200 messages on OKCupid within the space of five months and 90% of them were clearly men who were just looking for sex. Then of the remaining 10% , some were 30 years older than me, some lived in other countries and some couldn't string a comprehensible sentence together.

Guardian Soulmates and e-Harmony are a better bet than the free sites and seem to attract men who are really looking for a relationship, so if you decide to give it another go it might be worth trying one of these sites. I've always gone in phases with OD: a few months of giving it a go followed by a few months of thinking 'I can't be bothered with the hassle'...

Shockers Sun 26-Jul-15 11:42:40

What makes you think he's a 'bad boy' OP? Is he just a bit cheekily gorgeous, or do you know something..?

HuckleberryMishMash Sun 26-Jul-15 11:59:39

I've changed my view on him a bit...

I said he was a bit of a bad boy because he wasn't hiding very well the fact that he was rather interested in getting me into bed... At first I thought this might be his only intention but that seems not to be the case.

It's really hard to explain but if I didn't know him and I'd seen him in a pub I wouldn't have thought for a second that he might be a potential suitor. He is very good-looking in an obvious sort of way, and confident, which would lead me to think that he didn't have the geeky side that is important for me (I'm a bit of a geek, and although I'm happy with my appearance I wouldn't expect a chap as attractive as him to go for me).

But, it turns out that he's intelligent, interesting, funny, caring...

Just to show I'm not completely blinded to any possible downsides, there are a couple of small things that I'm not so keen on about him: he's rather proud of driving a stupidly flash car; and he's a bit intense - he tried to invite himself to a dinner gathering that I hosted (in my eyes it is far too soon for that).

princesspink7404 Sun 26-Jul-15 12:49:52

HuckleberryMishMash that sounds just like me when I went on POF and Match (which is supposed to be the best). Nightmare I felt quite suffocated by it. I clearly put what I was looking for in description but think men just don't read them! I forgot about e-harmony, maybe in a while I will give it a go. I don't like the fact you have to pay for them either; I am not tight but think it takes the piss a bit. The fees are quite high on some too.

Good luck with this guy .. you just never know grin just keep going on dates, don't fall in too soon and keep your wits about you smile

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