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If you were a late starter, did there come a point where you just 'settled'?

(24 Posts)
OcadoSellsDoritos Sun 19-Jul-15 14:43:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

60sname Sun 19-Jul-15 14:50:02

Horrible, but mostly just sort of pointless - you don't need to practice relationships because when you meet the right person it's pretty effortless.

DH was somewhat of a late starter (not with me) and he said that online dating was good for him because everyone there has the expectation of romance/sex so that doesn't have to be broached.

notnowImreading Sun 19-Jul-15 14:57:43

No, not horrible at all. Dating is just getting to know someone - and dating your first person is also just getting to know yourself and your body and your desires. Assuming that you haven't deliberately avoided physical and emotional intimacy because of a deep-seated psychological problem or very fervently held religious belief, just do it. No one can ever guarantee that the sparkle of hopefulness and liking that you have at the beginning of dating will turn into a lifelong love - you just have to see how it goes.

A practical tip re first time sex, though - make sure that you are physically ready. There are some types of lubrication that you can apply a bit like a tampon (e.g. Preseed has an applicator - it's usually used for people trying not to stop themselves getting pregnant by using another kind of lube but as long as you're using contraception in another way it won't make any difference to that) if you are too shy to introduce the topic and don't want to let any potential sexual partner know you're that prepared - you can nip off to the loo and get yourself sorted a bit (not too long) beforehand. This is probably the last thing you want to hear or think about but as a late starter myself I do remember how much the nerves and the sheer bloody innocence/ignorance made it hard to be physically ready for sex the first time and therefore made it a bit more sore than it needed to be. Trust me, a bit of lubrication makes all the difference in the world in the early days.

notnowImreading Sun 19-Jul-15 14:59:47

I'm quite mortified I just wrote that. But if anonymous strangers on the internet can't give you the advice they wished they'd received themselves, who can?

InTheBox Sun 19-Jul-15 15:33:27

Dating for the sake of dating is fine. It is after all just getting to know someone, what makes them tick and all that brings with it. There's no pressure to 'date' with the expectation of a romance, if it does lead to something significant then great. It should be enjoyable, not a tick-box exercise.

I'd proceed with caution wrt the man at work. It could open a can of worms r.e. personal and professional relationship. And at 26 you really don't want to screw your career progression or make it more difficult than it has to be.

Are you the sociable sort? If so maybe you could go out with your friends and explore flirting a bit and striking up conversation with others.

ARunOfThings Sun 19-Jul-15 15:35:33

I didn't date anyone until I was 34. I married him, and we're happily settled down with kids. I couldn't be bothered with dating until I was reasonably sure the relationship had a chance, to be honest.

OcadoSellsDoritos Sun 19-Jul-15 16:11:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pocketsaviour Sun 19-Jul-15 19:43:06

Perhaps an obvious question, but do you actually feel attracted to men? (or women?)

Zillie77 Sun 19-Jul-15 20:05:02

Yes, I was going to ask a similar question to Pocketsaviour's: do you have sexual feelings towards other people at times? How about romantic feelings? Some people are asexual and/or aromantic. For example, I have a gay male friend who enjoys sex but has no interest in romance, and another gay male friend who identifies as romantically gay but asexual.

OcadoSellsDoritos Sun 19-Jul-15 20:31:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pocketsaviour Sun 19-Jul-15 20:37:53

Well, you could do it the old fashioned way - ask some female friends who are coupled up if they know any nice single men they could casually introduce you to at a dinner party (although this scenario always reminds me of the "Poetic Scarecrow" sketch from Mitchell and Webb grin )

Otherwise, would you consider online dating?

OcadoSellsDoritos Sun 19-Jul-15 20:43:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HPsauciness Sun 19-Jul-15 20:50:42

If you come from a small place, then you may have to broaden your search area, otherwise you will be limited for choice- unless you are up for casual sex it seems!

I think sometimes you can end up psyching yourself out of these things, I have a friend who was about your age, also never kissed anyone/had any experiences, she went on holiday where no-one knew her and she went a bit potty, slept with one guy and snogged a couple of others. None of them turned into something bigger, but I think it broke that spell of feeling like she was different than anyone else. She also wasn't completely desperate when she was dating.

What about a dating agency if you don't fancy just throwing yourself online? At least then the dates would be arranged by someone else, and the experience of dating can be quite fun if you aren't wading through knob photos as with OD.

FanOfHermione Sun 19-Jul-15 21:06:46

What worked for me was to decide I would date someone, anyone that I felt confortable enough and somewhere I didn't know anyone (ie if it worked, great, if not or I made a fool of myself, no one would have known).
The reality is that I had made all that dating stuff just a really big important thing, too big fir what it was. I was also miles too serious about it (eg he had to be the love if my life etc...).
So really dating just fur the pleasure of dating was the right thing for me to do.

OcadoSellsDoritos Sun 19-Jul-15 21:09:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FanOfHermione Sun 19-Jul-15 21:09:34

Yet he other thing that then became very clear is that somehow you do give signals to men.
And I was giving signals of 'not interested' to men around me. As so is as I started to have a different outlook, interested men seemed to appear around me, incl ones that I quite liked!

OcadoSellsDoritos Sun 19-Jul-15 21:11:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OcadoSellsDoritos Sun 19-Jul-15 21:12:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zillie77 Sun 19-Jul-15 22:02:36

I think you need a wingwoman, perhaps a slightly more extroverted friend to help grease the wheels for you when you are out and about.

Could you participate in a few speed-dating events, just for the experience of talking to a bunch of men? Do you have any male friends or relatives who might have friends who would like to meet a slightly shy and undoubtedly lovely young woman such as yourself?

OcadoSellsDoritos Sun 19-Jul-15 22:36:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Turquoisoceans Sun 19-Jul-15 23:02:12

Hello, your post really resonated with me. I somehow managed to sail through life without kissing or having sex until the age of 24. I was so self conscious about not having snogged anyone, I used to practice on my hand even into my twenties. ERRRR!!!

So not too different from you.p but hopefully without the hand kissing bit, Went out with someone at 24 who I sort of had feelings for...well I thought I did. But when it came to the bit, I realised that erm....I didn't like him at all. The sex was incredibly awkward and off putting. I just knew deep in my heart that there should be more to it. I had a gut feeling if you like of how things should be between a man and a I should feel.

So, I would go out with friends....and they would be snogging and pulling left right and centre and me... NADA! I mean I knew I hd feelings for men but just never met one that I was attracted to if that makes sense.

Just before I hit 30 and boom I fell head over heels with somebody. First time I had liked someone and all the feelings just clicked into place. I liked him touching me, I enjoyed sex, I wanted to stand by his side. That relationship didn't last long....then met my current DP. Nothing for 5 years before my current dp though. God!

All in all, I'd say that some people are just programmed to like fewer people. Don't worry about it. It will happen for you, it could be that, like myself, it happens first with the wrong guy. I did force myself to be honest as I felt like a total misfit not having had sex age 24. Literally no one knew, not even my closest friends. I would lie about conquests as I just felt so odd. But at least that experience lowered my inhibitions ina way although I may have well waited for the one I truly have feelings for.

I always had a strong gut feeling about the type of guy I would go for, it wasn't a stupid tick list of right job, right height, right clothes. It was more just somebody who I loved to be around, who made me laugh, who I liked on a sort of spiritual level if that makes sense. I finally found that after years of solitude and I am so grateful. I know why I had to wait because he is one in a trillion. It will happen for you. Be patient and strong.

Turquoisoceans Sun 19-Jul-15 23:05:31

Just as an aside, society very much over sexualises everything. And I think it makes a person who hasn't had sex feel terrible. Be your own person. This is you and it is truly wonderful you have waited and are being true to yourself. Sounds so naff. But I wouldnt change my journey for anything and I am proud of the girl I was and the woman I became.

OcadoSellsDoritos Sun 19-Jul-15 23:12:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yika Sun 19-Jul-15 23:16:44

I really don't know about the guy at work (probably best not, as others have said) but I would date for the sake of it, especially if it's getting you down. I think if you start dating, even if you not especially attracted to the person, it will give you a better sense of who might be right for you ultimately, plus, hopefully, you will have some fun, company and gain confidence and good relationship experience along the way.

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