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Is he being selfish

(11 Posts)
Pericombobulations Sun 19-Jul-15 14:04:03

Or are my expectations too high?

DH and I are having problems (have done for a few years, seen relate, no further forward). But this latest one, I dont know if its my expectations too high or if he just doesnt think / is too selfish.

Earlier this week, our child injured themselves, and after many hours in A&E I was told to report back to the childrens ward the next morning ready for surgery (Nil by mouth etc).

DH at this point was an hours drive, short flight within the UK and a final hour and half drive away. When I called to let him know there was time to get to the airport and get a flight home to support us (I suffer anxiety amongst other mental health issues).

When we next spoke 2 hours later, it was apparent that not only was he not going to do this, but that he hadnt even considered it as an option but planned to return home the next evening after it was all over, as original plans.

He has form but not being there when I need his support and turning up afterwards or trying to go on a unimportant weeks business trip less than 12 hours after a beloved parent of mine has passed away (he didnt go in the end but only after I told him not to).

He is now saying he didnt think about coming home, because I specifically didnt ask him, which I did not, but assumed he may wish to be there to surport his child and didnt need to ask. He did not need to be on site the next morning before his flight.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 19-Jul-15 15:03:42

How old is the child and how severe is the injury?

If it's quite a big operation then YANBU to expect DH to be with you, but if your child is having a day case procedure for something pretty minor then I think it's a bit OTT to expect your DH to return.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 19-Jul-15 15:05:31

Sorry, posted too soon. I meant to ask if you have spoken to him about how let down you feel? Does he understand your point of view?

NerrSnerr Sun 19-Jul-15 15:09:15

I think it depends what the operation was. My husband is lovely bit he doesn't take hints. If I want something I need to ask outright.

nequidnimis Sun 19-Jul-15 15:21:13

DH wouldn't have come home either, and neither would I. I think we'd just both assume that the parent at home would be competent to handle it, unless it was something very serious or we were specifically asked to do so.

sykadelic Sun 19-Jul-15 15:29:56

Agree that it depends on the age of the child, the injury, and whether the child is often ill/injured as you can't come home every time.

Joysmum Sun 19-Jul-15 16:33:09

Ditto the others. Something minor then DH could handle it and DD would get comfort from him.

Unless DD specifically wanted me there, it was serious, or DH told me he needed me then I'd be home the night after the op. We don't do hints and we are pragmatic about things as his job doesn't allow him to be with us for everything.

Don't see the issue, myself.

If you needed him back then tell him rather than setting him up to fail by expecting him to mind read you.

TokenGinger Sun 19-Jul-15 16:45:20

I must say, a total of a 2.5 hour drive, waiting time to board a flight and the flight time considered in addition to the extra cost of another flight, I don't think I'd rush home if I considered my other half to be competent to deal with it. Unless my child had fallen off his bike and smashed his face in and needed reconstructive surgery or a bowel or something. Which, presumably it wasn't if your child was released home for the night and asked to return the next day.

Pericombobulations Sun 19-Jul-15 16:49:06

Thanks all, I can see your point.

Child is 11, and it was a minor proceedure, but their first op with a general (which in the end didnt happen as the surgeon decided the injury wasnt serious enough). I spent the evening and next morning fielding questions like "what happens if I dont wake up" and was exhausted by the end of the day so not thinking straight by the time he came home.

Nor thinking straight during the first phone call to tell him about the op, as I had too many thoughts going round my head to actually say "can you come home" but I find that question incredibly hard as I'm terrified of him still not bothering and leaving myself open to more hurt. I am aware that thats my problem and I've hard much counselling to deal with that along with the other issues.

And yes DH does know how I feel about this.

Pericombobulations Sun 19-Jul-15 16:50:25

Had not hard grr

CitySnicker Sun 19-Jul-15 18:19:46

Him trying to go away after your parent's death was pretty shitty.

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